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I love my current GF and I feel our love is great, but I would like to tell her about my dressing. I am kind of scare because I have try to bring the subject in general terms(not about me but what she though about it) and she kind of did not like it. No i want to be honest but i do not want to loose her.
I read some of the post and I know it could go really bad or really great. But I have already gone through this before and I got burned badly.
well Thanks
Look at the top of this main board. There's a great sticky there called "How to tell your partner". Why not read that first before you broach the subject. Good luck!
I would say if you see yourself getting married ect...and she is the one. You need to tell her..........because trust me...it only leads to more heartache all around when she finds out by accident later in life and there are kids and so forth even worse.
It is part of you and you should want someone that loves all of you..........as scary as it is......it is much better to have the talk if you see the relationship getting serious.
Do you want to spend your relationship in hiding and fear of discovery? Or participate in an atmosphere of honesty and trust? What you do now will form the foundation you will build your lives on.
If she realizes that its because you love her ,that your telling her, great.I Would let her know that when telling her.On the other hand if she's upset she will at least know you were up front and honest.Lets not let our desire to want to be with someone outweigh our desire to be truthful with them.
If I could do it over, I would tell my SO from the beginning and take my chances about losing her. It's not that I value crossdressing over her; it's that I think that it's like any other quality: I want her acceptance for me as a whole person.
i think it is a subject that can be difficult to talk about and you would have to ease into it and allow your girlfriend to take it in. i'm not sure if you should rush in to telling her. sometimes subtlety is best.
good luck!
emmi
Before you do anything I think you should consider the following:
1: why do you want to tell her?
2: By telling her what do you hope to gain by it?
3: What would she have to gain by it?
4: Do you plan marry her? If so, you very much should.
You may consider not telling her if you cannot answer those questions that would benefit both of you.
Yes,I would read that thread.Your already in it now so you really have to make a decisionQuote:
Originally Posted by Rachel Morley
I agree with this totallyQuote:
Originally Posted by linnea
If your honest from the start it stops the trend of being burned.After my favorite GG DD opened my eyes,I will never be with someone who does not know who I am.I want someone who I can tell everything and anything.Someone who is my bestfriend that I can share all of me with.No secrets,no hiding,no lies and just live our lives.I would rather be alone then be with someone who does not like me for me.If you think you want to date me,then there is something I think you should know...because you deserve that...and so do I.
Nobody has to think like me.This is just my opinion and what I want out of the life I have to live.I only get one and Im going to live it as me.
Just wanted to add my voice of agreement to all the others here. If you tell her and she decides it's too much to handle and breaks it off... I know that will hurt, but not nearly as much as WHEN, not if, she finds out about your deception after you have years and years invested in one another.
I have not read the "How to tell..." sticky/faq but I'm sure that's the first place you should look. I have also written a few other comments in other threads about how to approach it gently so she's not overwhelmed.
Do share with us how it turns out, so we can stop worrying for you!
ralph
If you are planning on staying together indefinitely, getting married, et.al. then you really need to tell her, and sooner is better than later. Sure, she might break up with you - but if she is going to break up with you over this, that too is better that it happen sooner rather than later.
If on the other hand you are just having a fling and you don't plan on "happily ever after" with her - then you don't need to tell her, but why not tell her - you have little invested and it will be good practice for you someday when you are with someone you are invested in...
Either way, when you tell her - do it the right way, make it fun and quirky, don't act like you have cancer and sit her down to "have a talk" about "something serious."
Honesty really is the best policy. If you really love her and don't want to hurt her you have three choices, 1. tell her and get it out in the open and have a open loving honest relationship, of course if she doesn't feel as tho she can cope with that then, well its not sposed to be. (easy to say I know) 2. don't tell her and have her find out later that you have been lying to and decieving her and most probably destroy everything (to most girls I know being lied to is the same as cheating) 3. Stop dressing and try to live a normal life. I would go for choice one but its easy for me to say as I have a wonderful understanding lady who I told about Lori from about the third week in (but she is a fairly open minded lady)
Whatever you decide Good Luck
Lori
I could not agree more. I wish I could go back to the beginninng of our relationship and spill the beans to the wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by linnea
Good luck
Tash :)
I wish I knew how well my wife would take it.
The number of years I spent skulking when, if I had only known that she loves all of me, we could have had a much fuller and more rounded relationship. It is a difficult choice but I now totally regret not being open from our third date. Good luck whatever you decision you make.
It is one of the scariest things to do!! You can never tell what the response will be! Could be total rejection! But if sheaccepts you as you are and is willing to grow with you in a loving relationship, life can be very sweet and exciting. She deserves to know all of the truth if you are getting serious. If by chance she shows you the door then at least you can know that you were totally open about yourself and that is a healthy thing!!
Kelsy:)
Well, I can only add to the above posts by giving you a bit of my own experience being a GG who found out quite a few years into a marriage.
What stuck out to me in your post was the part about bringing up the subject in general, and finding that she had a negative reaction. Please don't let that be your guide in deciding whether or not to tell her. Before I knew about my husbands crossdressing, I had little or no knowledge about crossdressers. I had preconceived notions that cding was a sexual perversion, only freaks cd'd etc.... A few years into my marriage I found evidence of my husbands cding, I didn't handle it well and sent him further and further into the closet....dark days........As time went on, I continued to find evidence, but I took a different approach, found myself here and well, my eyes were opened.
I still didn't understand it all, I still had years of misinformation to unravel, but the point is that despite my initial reaction, I loved my husband and wanted desperately to save our marriage. It wasn't nearly as difficult a task as I imagined it would be for a few reasons.......
1. Once I began to get real information I was able to set aside my preconceived notions about crossdressers in general and begin to see them as individuals, with different lives and stories.
2. As I explored this on my own, with my husband and here on the forum, it became clear to me that no matter what, he was still my husband, who I fell in love with so many years ago.
3. Most importantly, I think, once we began to share this honestly with each other, I was surprised to see a change in him that I can only guess came from the freedom he now felt in not hiding this from me. Our relationship is better than it ever has been, not because he is a cder, but because he is free from the burden he carried alone for so many years.
I'm sorry if this is a bit wordy!!! but when I look back on my earlier days here, I was so angry! And it was the lies and the feeling of betrayal that led to that anger. My husband has told me that he NEVER thought I would accept this because of some things that I had said in the past, that's why he hid it from me. The truth is that I love HIM, I don't have to love all the things that he does, but I love him.
I hope this helps even a little in your decision. Like others have said before, there is not a guarantee that she will take it well, but if you love her and plan to continue in the relationship, she deserves a chance......and so do you.
Good luck
Bridged
I see a problem here - if you are a crossdresser, then you should know by now from reading this FORUM, that you can NEVER give it up and it will be with you for your lifetime - either you need to get it out in the open with her now or you can look forward to a life of secrecy and stress and depression - and somewhere along the way, she is probably going to find out - then what are you going to do or say ?
JoAnne Wheeler
Thank you all for your advice it helps a lot. I have realized that if I hide things is going to get harder down the line. I will keep all of you updated on this progress. Thanks again
The one thing that I have trusted a great deal in my life is my heart and gut feelings. So although it was difficult to open things up with my wife again, my heart and tummy was telling me to do this. I was beginning to get those sinking feelings and so I felt it was time to just open up again with her.
Others have said that if she is the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then overall the outcomes are best if you talk to her. CDing will not go away as your love for her will not either. Taking the risk is difficult but well worth it because then it is in the open. Wishing you all the best.
Lauren
Don't wait 34 years & then have her find out like mine did. It's tough, but the right thing to do. Good luck!Quote:
Originally Posted by kathly
IMO you need to talk to her about it, please don't let her be like a lot of GGs who find out years down the line, and then have a lot of difficulties.
I don't think anyone here can say how a GG feels (except a GG whos been there) when she finds this out after many years of marriage, the feeling of being lied to all those years and also knowing that someone who you love couldn't trust you to tell them.
Good luck with what ever you do, and remember she would be welcomed here to chat with other GGs, and know that she is not alone.
Well I'll say this, not being able to be me I subconciously sabotaged every relationship to get out of it. be honest with who you are. if you can't live the life you want. you're not living YOUR life. you're living someone else's expectations of you and your gender identity. Carol
I believe there is some excellent advice being shared here. Telling your SO about your cding needs is the only way to go for several reasons:
--- Honesty is always best. In almost all cases hiding this and later being discoverd makes things vastly more worse. Many a wife has felt worse about the betrayal than the actual dressing.
--- She might actually like it. I hid my desire to dress from my wife for 27 years. When it finally came out I discoverd that she actually liked it (though don't count on that). Now I am making up for lost time.
Try to find a video on youtube with cross dressing as the subject and then tell her you saw this video and ask her what she thinks about it.. nothing dirty, just like this one here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d-FTRSUfyU and see how she reacts.. tell her you were searching for something on Google or whatever and this was one of the things that came up.. if she asks what you were searching tell her it was something innocent enough but that you misspelled it and that's what came up and that you don't know how you spelled it wrong for that result.. some load of.. you know... you know??..
Why would you want to be with someone who wouldn't accept such an important part of you? It is better to find out now than later. Also if you are young and this girl is not for you, you will find someone who is open-minded about this much more easily than your predecessors.
But do let her know that you are telling her because your feelings are so strong and you are showing her your deepest, most vulnerable self.
Good luck! :love:
Lies, is that the word you're looking for? I can't recommend swapping one deception for another. Once you move from the video to the subject of your own dressing, she'll realize that the appearance of that video was no "accident", and she'll be more resentful that you manipulated her. I'm not gonna stop preaching this: A relationship built on deception is a relationship that is doomed to fail, and the bigger the deception, the harder it's all gonna crash down on you when -- not if -- it crashes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly D.
Hopefully kathly can find a better way to bring the subject up, that is gentle *and* honest. You could show her the video, ask what she thinks about it, and then go into "There's a reason I wanted you to see that..."
More likely you won't need to because some time before it ends I'm sure she'll ask "why on earth did you want me to watch this?" "Well, funny you should ask..."
ralph
Ditto what Ralph said.
I think an important part of being able to find a woman who accepts you as a crossdresser is....ACCEPTING YOURSELF.
That can be very, very hard. In our society, young boys are pushed very had into masculine roles. Do something feminine, and your parents/friends/teachers/etc. might tell you "that's not what boys do" It happened to me, and it happens to all boys at some point. Boys don't cry. Boys don't wear pink or really bright colors. Boys don't have long hair. Boys punch, not slap. Boys don't play with dolls. Boys aren't lovey-dovey. Boys play rough sports, and don't do things like ballet, yoga, etc. The social programming is intense, and unrelenting.
Getting past that, getting to the point where a man can say "I enjoy the feeling of silky garments. I enjoy having shaved legs, and showing them off. I enjoy wearing makeup. I enjoy wearing bright clothes. I enjoy having more options in shoe colors than brown and black. I enjoy being able to wear something other than cowboy boots with a heel" is very difficult.
But, you have to try.
If you can't accept yourself, it's unreasonable to expect a girlfriend to accept you. If you can't accept yourself, you'll come to tell her like you're a freak, something to be afraid of, something that will damage your relationship.
No, you don't approach a girlfriend like it's a marketing campaign and say "Honey, I really enjoy wearing women's clothes. This will help you because I can help you so much with your own clothes!" (*) But, you do approach her as a whole human being, not afraid of who you are.
* - My wife thinks it's great that I know so much about pantyhose. She used to wear awful Casual Corner grandma pantyhose when I first met her. I taught her a considerable amount about pantyhose, and now she wears only the finest brands in pantyhose. Now she wants me to take her to a Wolford's shop in Chicago or Vegas :)
My answer is do it as soon as you can. Read up on how to approach it and how to deal with the various possible reactions.Quote:
Originally Posted by kathly
If the relationship fails because she can't accept your CDing, it is far better that it happen sooner rather than later, when the deception will be worsened by the duration of the concealment.
The fact that you're out enough to ask this question on this site means that you already know that it's an integral and permanent part of who you are.
Just do it.
Alice
here's the reason i didn't tell girlfriends back in the day.....i thought that if they disapproved they would break up with me and then tell their friends all about me and i didn't think i could endure shame/public or private humiliation.
I've always been very honest... Which yeah has led to a few 'You're a freak' moments, but least I got to know they weren't my people before we went anywhere...
I just couldn't invest time in something founded in lies and deception...
[SIZE=4]There are hundreds of years of personal experiences on this forum and lots of advice, but it is all just that, advice. We can tell you our stories and tell you what we would do, but in the end it is you that must make that step or not.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=4]I am with 99% of the ladies here, tell her before you get so deep into it that you look like you are deceiving her if you tell her later. I told my wife of 25 years a full 3 years before we got married. She did her research and look at us today.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]You never know what will happen, but you know your girlfriend.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]
When I first told my wife she wasn't real happy about it, when I dressed and she found out she would get mad! Later down the road I would give Her information about Cding, She still wasn't thrilled about it, but began reading the info. Finally we started to sit down and talk about it, I was shocked when She said she had looked up CDing on the web! She said that she realized it was not going away or there was no cure! She realized it was who I was and how I felt, Now we have a great relationship! She calls me by my Fem name, which she gave me! And tries to help me learn more femminine traits! I just wish I had done it sooner in our relationship then I did! Maybe she wouldn't have been as upset! I wish you luck!
hello,
Should you tell ... that is for you to decide.
Should you lie about it - I wouldn't. Lying complicates things - once we start we have to remember to keep it up. And when we are found to be a lier we will lose the trust of the ones we love.
luv, Jacques.
hun if you don't tell her and she finds out by accident in a week, a month, a year or 20 years down the line, it will be so much worse, because of discovering your lies.
Good luck :hugs:
Thanks to all of you for your advice.
Well I try to bring the subject of crossdressing in general and I got a very negative reaction. after that I chicken out and did not say a thing. I will try to bring my self with more courage the next time around to tell her.
Thanks again all of you are great support and I am happy for the girls here who have accepting wifes.
I do not think we should hide our CDressin from our girlfriend or wife but I deeply believe that we should minimize or even avoid getting dressed en femme in front of them.
I came out to my wife before we got engaged. That's probably one of the few good decisions I've made. That doesn't mean everything was easy. She still had the usual misconceptions, and was not that happy with me dressing most of the time, so I spent most of that time in the closet. More importantly, we still loved each other, so, despite the occasional friction over this, we’re still together after 11 years. Over the years, she has become more and more accepting, to the point where she’ll let me out of the house dressed. My suggestion is to tell her soon. If she loves you, she’ll still love you, and you won’t have to maintain a deception the rest of your life. You’ll also need to be patient. It took 11 years for her to be able to accept the idea of me going out. It might not take you as long, but I have no way of knowing.
Has she brought up anything specific in her objections?