Now My Spouse Does Not Want Me on this Forum

Girls - my Spouse told me last night that she does not want me to read or

look at or correspond or write posts to anyone on this FORUM. She says

that you all make me depressed and that it causes me to think about

Crossdressing 24/7. She says that if I need to talk to someone that I

should talk to her. She told me that I was completely obsessed with

crossdressing and that you girls only made me worse - I tried to tell her

that you all were the only ones that I could talk to because only you know

how we feel and only you can confort me and I in turn can comfort you.

So Girls, are you being a BAD influence on me ???

JoAnne Wheeler

You should jump at the chance to talk to her about things. Especially if she is willing to listen. Remember, anything in excess is not good for anyone. Not pointing fingers here, and i'm sure i'll be stomped on for it... but do YOU think you're on this forum too much? How many posts do you have? whats the average posters number of posts? Oh well... bring it..

I certainly hope we're not.
Hope you can get your wife to see that to you were a help to you. I'll be praying for ya.

Its impossible for us to know if her opinion is on target or not. But, it is very important to communicate with her. You need to respect her feelings. You might try suggesting a compromise? Maybe a therapist for you two as a couple ? I am not saying you are depressed, but she is and that means there must be some signs of it (accurate or not). But from the sounds of it, you will need to consider dropping off, possibly just for a while ? While I do not think we encourage each other to obsess on CD'ing, we surely do discuss minutia at length! It would be easy to see our conversations as obsession.

If she thinks we depress you I cannot wait to see what you will be like without this outlet. I have read many of your posts and I can tell that you need this forum and the forum would be worse without you. I hope she changes her mind Joanne:hugs:

Jo if we can be of help just holler.
If you can't come on here get her to join maybe we can all help her to understand what its all about.
Too much of anything isn't good.By all means talk to her about how you feel don't shut her out.
If you need to leave for a while to calm her down we understand and will still be here when you need us.
Hope it gets better sis.

I agree - without this FORUM, I would really be depressed - this has been a

Godsend - I am not going to stop, period ! I need all of you too much - I

just wanted to let you know what the latest thing I'm going through.

And NO, I will never see a therapist or counselor !

JoAnne Wheeler

Well , i know this isn't what you want to hear right now but i can understand where you wife might be coming from. I cannot speak for your personal circumstances as i'm obviously not there and can't see what she sees but in my experience and with the benefit of hindsight i can say this ...

I have suffered many periods of depression in recent years and when they do strike , gender has been a core issue of that depression. Whilst this hasn't necessarily been caused by visiting this site , when i am in that frame of mind it can be very easy to dragged deeper down into obsession and depression by constant thoughts of what's happening to others and what i'm missing out on. Well that's my problem and maybe , just maybe it something similar to what your wife is trying to say to you , that i'm afraid is something that only you can assess the validity of but it is something to think about.

I hope you find yourself in a better place soon for you and for her , hugs :hugs:

JoAnne,

How do you feel about this? If your wife is using this as a means to control you, I hope that you and her will be able to discuss this and come to an agreeable solution.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

If she thinks we depress you I cannot wait to see what you will be like without this outlet. I have read many of your posts and I can tell that you need this forum and the forum would be worse without you. I hope she changes her mind Joanne:hugs:

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I can't agree more with Lorileah. She hit the nail on the head. I'd say this is a real lifeline for you Joanne. Good luck to you! :)

Well, I don't think it's a "bad influence" on anyone, unless, they, themselves, want it to be and maybe do unreasonable things as a result. However, the feelings of The Mrs. cannot be overlooked. Seems to me she wants you to decide what is more important to you. Only you know the answer to that my friend and only you have to live with your decision.

I for one think I may be on this forum too much as well, I may not post much when I am on, I do try to read the majority of the posts, But I try to be on when it is convient for me and would not interfere with time with my wife. Many times we are on together and paticipating together on the posts.

Actually it was my wife that found this place for us and it has been a great place for use to meet new people and learn about what we are going through, with that said, if this place ever came inbetween us I think we would each pick each other (sorry).

JoAnne,

Thanks for asking, but you are clearly not paying attention or pleasing your wife's desires respect to participating in this forum :D

I have to draw a line in the sand - I need you girls - I need your comfort and

your understanding - my spouse neither comforts or wants to understand why

I need to be part of this Forum.

JoAnne Wheeler (a crossdresser for 56 years and counting )

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Originally Posted by JoAnne Wheeler

I agree - without this FORUM, I would really be depressed - this has been a

Godsend - I am not going to stop, period ! I need all of you too much - I

just wanted to let you know what the latest thing I'm going through.

And NO, I will never see a therapist or counselor !

JoAnne Wheeler

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JoAnne, I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you ( or your wife for that matter ), rather, that a therapist might help you two forge a compromise that helps - both. It could be that by discussing various issues, your wife learns more acceptance of your nature.

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Originally Posted by JoAnne Wheeler

And NO, I will never see a therapist or counselor !

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I find it sad that in our society counseling is viewed so often in a negative light.

In reality, it's no different than seeing a specialist about anything else in the medical world. Joanne, with all warmth and affection, the above statement can be used in blanket form: "And NO, I will never see a _______" Insert dentist, oncologist, podiatrist, or any other medical 'ist'.

The brain is a part of your body, no different than your feet, your lungs, your heart, your teeth, your nose, your eyes, your skin, your bones.

Counselors have the tools to help keep your brain healthy. Very few people in the world have those tools. Society forces us to think something is fatally wrong with us if we don't magically have all the tools counselors have. Society's blatantly wrong.

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Originally Posted by CharleneT

JoAnne, I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you ( or your wife for that matter ), rather, that a therapist might help you two forge a compromise that helps - both. It could be that by discussing various issues, your wife learns more acceptance of your nature.

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I agree here. My wife and I have been seeing a couples therapist sine I told her about my CDing a little over a month ago. The therapy session is actually quite helpful in that we talk and listen as opposed to getting angry and yelling. He also won't let us force our opinion, but tries to get us both to express our sides of the issue without interruption. I definitely think it has helped us get past the initial shock and begin to rebuild trust. I wouldn't discount the idea out of hand. The hard part is finding a good one.

Jackie

JoAnne Wheeler said - "And NO, I will never see a therapist or counselor !"

JoAnne, I'm not going to try and advise you what's best for your relationship. But I used to say this exact same thing about counsellors and therapists. Until I actually went to see one! It was/is difficult going at times but it's been a very positive experience for me and I look forward to every visit now. Give it some thought, okay? :)

JoAnne, :hugs:
we can only be the influence on you that you wish us to be .............. if your wife is willing to talk to you why not give it a try ? ..... both of you are intelligent people ........... surely there is a way you can both sit and discuss this as rational adults.

JoAnne why the aversion to therapy ?

I'm hoping that you and your SO will discuss your mutual needs and concerns rather than draw lines in the sand or using other ultimate forms of discourse (i.e., ultimatums).
While I don't think that this forum is inherently a bad influence, your wife apparently feels that it is. It is her feelings that are troubled about this matter and it is her feelings that have to be addressed.
I would not want to give up this forum, but I would want to help my SO work out the feelings that lie under her demand in the hope that my time on the forum would not be completely stopped . . . or else (I'm not sure what the consequence[s] would be).
Keep the communication and dialogue about what she feels and why she feels it more than whether or not you will continue.
Good luck.

JoAnne; Maybe you should have a time limit on how much time you spend at the forum.
There are days when I spend way too much time on the computer and I live alone. It's hard to get anything done around here the way it is. Maybe you need to spend some time with your loved one I would love to find somebody that could handle my crossdressing even if I had to stay inside. You all don't realize how lucky you really are to have a spouse who will allow some dressing.
I know the city where you live and it is growing every day. There are more things to worry about than being found out that you crossdress and I know some woman can't or won't handle it, they all think because we dress as woman then we must be gay and are looking for men. When in fact most would be consider lesbians.
Spring is in the year spend some time with your spouse and maybe she will see the light.
My nickel's worth.

My wife doesn't like me to participate on any forum either. She said I was cheating on her, among other things.

If she knew I was on four different forums, she'd be even more upset.

But having made online friends, and helping some with my posts, I can't be swayed to stay off the forums.

I don't ask her to stop emailing any of her friends. and I've asked her to join in.

She hasn't ever asked or told me to stop, but I know she wishes I would stop.

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

You have nearly 2500 posts in five months on the board. That is a lot of activity in a short period of time.

Maybe your wife doesn't want you on the board because she feels that you're neglecting her in favor of your "Internet Friends"? This is a common occurrence when a spouse becomes involved in a MMORPG like World of Warcraft or Second Life.

When are you posting on the board? While at work or at home? If you're on here during time when you traditionally were with her, she might feel that you prefer our company over hers.

Telling her that you can't talk to her but that you can talk to us because we understand is going to do you no good. You need to be able to talk about this with your spouse...if you don't there will be no good end result.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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jeez , how'd i miss that ? thought you'd been here longer than that. Tam's got it spot on here i'm sorry to say, i know everyone's different but there comes a point when interest crosses into obssesion. Think it's time you took a step back just for a while , no-one's saying forever just take a breather and see how things go :hugs:

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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thanks to Tamara for bringing a bit of sanity to this. Sometimes I wonder if people actualy realise just how much time they're on here.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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My thoughts too. I am surprised when you haven't posted in a topic. The "pink fog" as it is referred to can be fed by coming here. I definitely noticed it for awhile. When the fog lifted, my post average started dropping. (currently it is rising again out of boredom with the other forum I frequent and long distance relationship, if anyone tracks crazy things like these).

Take a break. Limit your activity here for a while and pay attention to her.

Brina

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Originally Posted by CharleneT

JoAnne, I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with you ( or your wife for that matter ), rather, that a therapist might help you two forge a compromise that helps - both. It could be that by discussing various issues, your wife learns more acceptance of your nature.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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What they said.

I spend quite a bit of time on various boards and I'd have to spend even MORE time than I do to match the kind of output you have. I have about what, a little less than 800 posts here over about 3 years. Around 2800 over almost 4 years on another.

Your wife should be the most important person you communicate with.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

One of those eternal questions: Is the glass half full or half empty.

I'm not sure of every part of your situation but I'm a wife who is working through this since SO told me right after Christmas 2008. I'm not always the best.. There are time when I feel like his CDing is more important than me..
Other times he is there for me more than I could ever imagine. I think the best thing is to talk to her about how you feel let her tell you how she feels and work out a compromise that you both can work with..you will have to give up a little just like she will. but in the long run it is the best thing.. It is working for us.. But then again I'm on here almost as much as he is...:D
I hope everything works out for you and her..
:hugs:

I was also going to mention that in a little over 4 months youv'e had close to 2500 posts. I've had just over 860 posts in close to a year and half. 1/3 of what youv'e done in 4 + months. It seems that your wife has a legitimate issue. But to have you not participating at all would be wrong, you may want to consider cutting back the time on this forum and talk more with your wife. :battingeyelashes:

Hmmmm. Such a strange, akward world we live in. And these damn "containers" that house our life-force can be very restrictive. I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. Crossdressing does not fair well in a "black-n-white" world. I don't know what to say except, give her time, space and keep the lines of communication open.
My wife thinks my friend is a bad influence(in a joking way), cause he finds arcade games in the garbage during trash day for me. Woo Hoo! one more game to restore, and add to my collection of 35! My wife thinks my arcade game hobby is an obsession. My collection of these classic arcade games tends to "upset" mostly females....of my family & friends for some reason. They always tell my wife....."you got to make him get rid of them. It's not normal. You don't have a normal house." ( I hope they are joking.) Heaven forbid they ever find out about my crossdressing. LOL!!!!!!
Like I said, give her time/space and communicate. Maybe you guys can meet half way on this. Let us know....if you can.

godspeed,

I am a bad influence on everybody that's what my friends say about me.
.................................................. .......................ORCHID

The stats seem to suggest that you should go live withyour wife for a while. While she is in the same house as you believe you are in.
~Samm

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Originally Posted by JoAnne Wheeler

.......And NO, I will never see a therapist or counselor !.......

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JoAnne, don't worry, a therapist is not going to take away your crossdressing. They cannot take the desire away. What they can do is help you in your relationships. They can help you get through the obsession part.

I don't think you should give up the forum, but it wouldn't hurt to be able to regulate your time here and give some more time to your wife, especially since she asked you to talk about it to her.

Maybe I am projecting here, but I feel a close kinship with you because of my own obsessivness and the non-acceptance and hostility of my ex-wife. She joined a religious ex-TG group based near your location in Kentucky and I still have so much anger over how they told her to threaten me with ultimatums and the like.

You can find good Christian counselors (PHD's or experienced LCSW's that are well on their way to being PHD). They can help with self issues, obsessions and interpersonal relationships. I went to individual and group for many years. It was one of the best things I ever did.

Take care JoAnne,
Joni

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

If she thinks we depress you I cannot wait to see what you will be like without this outlet. I have read many of your posts and I can tell that you need this forum and the forum would be worse without you. I hope she changes her mind Joanne:hugs:

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So far I've read this far on replies and it says everything I would have, it wouldn't be the same without you here thats for sure. Not to mention you would be miserable.

I'm starting to wonder today if its a full moon or what because this is the second thread today that hits home with my SO saying the same things.
"Your spending all your time talking like a young girl to other cd's" was another one I heard today:brolleyes:
Maybe because I am a cd:eek:.... and wish I was still young:doh:

P.S. I just told my SO about what your wife said about you spending to much time on the forum, we're a bad influence etc..., she agrees with her, oh its gonna be a long day here:doh:

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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:iagree: Give her as much time as you have given this place!Balance it out.

Thats a lot of posting in a very short time JoAnne.
Maybe you could come to an arrangement with your wife where you spend a certain amount of time on here and then spend the rest of the time with her.

I understand not being able to come here cold be detrimental to you, but not spending time with your wife is detrimental to both of you in the long run!

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Originally Posted by deborah jane

Thats a lot of posting in a very short time JoAnne.
Maybe you could come to an arrangement with your wife where you spend a certain amount of time on here and then spend the rest of the time with her.

I understand not being able to come here cold be detrimental to you, but not spending time with your wife is detrimental to both of you in the long run!

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Maybe she's trying to catch up with Angie G:heehee:

Good advice here JoAnne, something to think about that I missed last post.

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Originally Posted by Tamara Croft

2,489 posts since Nov 2008, I'd say that was excessive... in 5 years, you'll have nearly 40,000 posts... Go talk to your wife, she's opened up that gate now, she must be feeling left out if she doesn't want you on here anymore, go pay her as much attention as you have paid this forum in the last 4 months...

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I agree with what Tamara and Julia have stated. Maybe it's time time for you, to spend some constructive time with your wife and hear her side. And present your case as well. Can't hurt.

JoAnne I also have to agree with the others. that much posting in such a short time is excessive. I think you need to limit yourself to a few visits a day and spend time with your wife. Posting a lot of posts in a day is a good way to keep a distance from your wife, almost like putting up a wall. Of course this is my opinion so take it for what is worth.

There are two very valid points being made here so far:

Tamara is correct....you are gracing us with your presence quite a bit. And whereas we all like you very much, the internet can indeed become an obsession. You may need to back away.

Lorileah is also correct....we all need people of like-mind around us. You seem to be well thought of here, and I think we'd miss you were you to leave. I don't think you should leave.

As in most situations, the answer lies right in the middle, rather than at the extremes.

Sorry - I try my best NEVER to see a doctor, a dentist, and I am sorry if I

offend anyone, but I have absolutely ZERO faith in therapists, etc - and some

of my friends are therapists - but it is not for me

JoAnne Wheeler

So, were our posts about you posting so much just ignored? and you just bothered to focus on one post about couseling? Was there any point in us even giving you any advice? *shakes head and walks away*

Hello JoAnne!
I can see where your wife (if she wants to control your dressing) would not like you on this forum. Here you can talk to others that know how you feel, act and react. In her eyes that must make you feel that dressing in woman's clothes is a completely "normal" experience....where she may think it is socially depraved. The people here support your dressing and encourage you. If your wife wants you to dress less, quit dressing or stop thinking about dressing, this is the last place she wants you to be writing! Good Luck! But keep talking to her. Someday she may just get it.

I read somewhere that cross dressers in general do not show up as mentally ill on standardized tests, although cross dressers who have seen therapists do seem to have suffered from depression. But let's not get cause and effect backwards.

The moral of the story is--if you're depressed, get help. Get help from your spouse most of all, us in your spare time, and it's no big deal to see a psychologist. I've done it a couple of times. Go with your wife, if she's willing, and do sessions alone sometimes too. It's nice to have another person who's on your side, but who won't be persuaded by all the rationalizations we all use to pull the wool over our own eyes.
:hugs:

Us, or your SO? That's the kind of question a therapist mite ask. And neither I nor they, care what your answer is! U need to decide the answer for yourself, and decide what u want to do about it!:sad:

I think you've ALREADY decided! By saying you've, "Drawn a line in the sand".

Now, it's just up to u to admit to EVERYONE, us, your SO, and yourself, u care MORE about JoAnne and us, than your SO!:doh:
Hey, I was married. I can understand that!

And if I'm wrong. And u disappear from this site. I'll miss u! But, at the same time, I'll know u did what u felt was the BEST thing for yourself and your SO!:brolleyes:

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Originally Posted by JoAnne Wheeler

Sorry - I try my best NEVER to see a doctor, a dentist, and I am sorry if I offend anyone, but I have absolutely ZERO faith in therapists, etc - and some of my friends are therapists - but it is not for me

JoAnne Wheeler

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This is why a therapist will never work for you. You have already made up your mind. Doctors, dentists, therapists, all of us here are for your help and support. You can't just take only the sugar coated and ignore the rest. You must take the good and the bad. I kinda have to agree that you may have crossed the obsessed line. Your wife feels that she is loosing the one she loves. Continue down this path and you will lose her. It's your choice. We can only help you so much. You must talk to your wife. Seeing a therapist will help you see her point of view and help you see your wife's point of view. I suggest you take a few weeks off from visiting the site. Take your wife out to a movie, dinner, a play, a walk, rent a movie, etc. If you don't compromise, I'm sure you will find stricter terms imposed and you will like those less.

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Originally Posted by JoAnne Wheeler

She says

that you all make me depressed

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Oh, now that's funny. How many members here share their fun stories? And what, 99% of your posts are about how bad your life sucks?

You're making us depressed.

And as some have suggested, your post count indicates that maybe you just don't have enough to do. The only thing that makes me depressed, personally, is not having enough work to do. Unemployment is what puts me in a funk.

Don't you have any hobbies? Retired? Go take a job as a Walmart greeter or something.

Well I feel the fact that she brought it up speaks for itself,you do value her opinion right?It wouldn't hurt to show her you care about her feelings by giving it a break for a while.If she needs you away from the computer and you neglect her it will make matters worse.