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A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.
Awww... I would have never told my wife either... But she found out anyway... ohh welll....
Maybe you can, subtly, use that as a chance to feel her out more. I would try to find out exactly what bothers her so much. She is likely uninformed, as are many. It's a huge burden , keeping this special and large part of us a secret from those we love. Anyway, best of luck to you!
same here :> Was actually trying to break the ice before and was poking to see how she would react before she caught me :> probably would have been better to come clean before i guess. don't know still going thru the drama right now. But I am still here :> not going anywhere anytime soon :> unless my internet gets shut off lol :>
Well do you not think the prob she had with th CDer was the fact she WAS NOT EVEN TRYING TO PASS. If she saw a cd that is trying to look gaad and pass and did not pass, Maybe she would not be so upset. I would never not tell a girl friend I cd. If i was in your high heals, I would tell her. I could not live with the lie.
She might be fine with your dressing BUT, she will hate the fact you did not share this with he years ago. If i were you i wouold tell her, but thats me. If she really love you she will understand, if not aprove. You could lose he rover it, even if you tell her you won't ever do it again. But that could kill your sprit. It's up to you hun, I hate it when this is the death of a relattionship.
Good luck hun. I have been out dressed 11 times now and each time I go out I like myself more and more. HUGGS and LUCK :hugs: :canada:
They always act different when it is their husband dressed. Unfortunately, that different is not a whole lot better sometimes. Some wives will never accept. Its a shame. They will accept us having some medical condition that turns us into little boys again (mentally), but never CDing. They love us the same, but CDing crosses a boundary that they freak out about.
I think the biggest problem with non acceptance is the fact that we are never able to be us. We have to hide us from our SO. The one person who often is our best friend has locked us into the closet and thrown away the key.
Having to keep this kind of secret from a wife is such a hard thing to do. If you want to be out to her I would try to disscuss the subject with her. Just pick the right moment and go very slowly with it. If she really does love you she might try to understand this part of you. Good luck hun.
:2c: face it some women will NEVER EVER EVER acept it and it very well could ruin your life so just be carefull ( experience aint cheap)
i have the same problem. When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), she told me that "those people are really sick."
No coming out for me.
You have to use those opportunities to say something like..."that person needs to make an appointment at the salon...even I could do better than that!". This results in your wife saying either..."oh ya, lets see it" or "don't even think it!".
I guess there are some things I just don't get. I really can't understand how some, and I'm beginning to think most, CD'ers can live a "closeted" life with their SO. I can certainly see why most wouldn't want to advertise to the general public as most people are uninformed and judgemental, but I just can't see living with the love of your life and having to hide such a huge part of who you are. Perhaps this isn't the right thread for this topic, but this is where it really hit home for me. Would you secretly hide other fetishes, desires or problems from them too? Don't get me wrong, I lived many year's with someone that I couldn't be completely open with, but thank god that's over. Am I just lucky that I completely trust, support and encourage my SO, and she me? I once discovered that a SO had a secret drug problem. When confronted, it wasn't that she did drugs that almost ruined us. That is understandable and fixable. It was that she did something that she felt she couldn't tell me. I was excluded from the activity and the solution. It wasn't the drug's, it was the lie's that were almost irreconcilable. I'm just happy and blessed to share every part of who I am with who I love. Am I ranting? Is this a rant? OMG! O.K., I'm going to take a femtab now and lay down... -Erica
Though I think that some people will never be accepting of CDs, I agree with taking the opportunity to say something like this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally2005
I got some comments like that from my SO, Thats why I didnt come out to her sooner, well, I would have came out alot sooner to her if she came home early like she did this week before LOL :> :D
You crazy girl! I just have to smile when you make jokes out of such a complicated issue.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashlyee Paige
BTW, my wife would never understand, so I'm not coming out of the closet to her. Maybe when this is over ...
:daydreaming: I figure what the hell, what's done is done and life has to go on :> Looking back it was VERY stressful but funny at the same time :)
Agree, very stressful. But when my long-suffering wife laughs at what I wear, I gotta smile too! Also smile at what she must have thought at the beginning when I asked for pantyhose for Christmas! She delivered too! I have also found that if I take the whole thing lightly, so does she. It is still the "me" in there she loves.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashlyee Paige
StephanieTThis sounds like the perfect opportunity to open a dialogue and discuss her ill-informed prejudices. If my SO made a comment that I thought was narrow-minded I would at least challenge it and talk about it.Quote:
A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.
If your SO had made a racist comment would you have let it go unchallenged? Would you not have questioned her and tried understand why she held such views?
Not necessarily so as it could have just been bad vibes that your wife was picking up from that person , so it might have happened even if that person was dressed differently , so do not give up on your wife ever excepting as you will never know if you never give her the chance
Yeah - exactly - this is what educators refer to as a teachable moment. Your wife has said something incredibly bigoted and incredibly ignorant, this is an opportunity to challenge her beliefs in a safe manner... simply by asking her what is so wrong with what that person was doing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah_GG
Just because she believes something idiotic, doesn't mean she should continue to believe something idiotic, and it certainly does not mean that you have to support her idiocy - tacitly or otherwise... which is what the OP has done.
Well it is not a big surprise is it? Many folks are prejudiced against TG, especially those TG who do not try to blend in - there is a clash of gender that unsettles people.
But the bright side is that there are accepting GGs today who a few years ago would have said exactly what your wife said. People can change if they want to.
What you have discovered is where your wife stands on the subject today, ignorant of the facts. It is not necessarily where she will be in 5 years time although this is not an auspicious beginning.
Still it is your choice as the person who knows your wife best to decide whether to sacrifice your feminine self to remaining in the closet or jeopardize your relationship by revealing your secret which you now know will trigger an unsympathetic prejudiced response.
Gauging the depths of her prejudice should really be your aim. The more entrenched her feelings are the less likely she will be able to overcome them. Try and find other opportunities to test her views then you will know if you stand a fighting chance.
StephanieT said - "My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD."
Just for clarification, are we talking specifically about this CD or about CD in general?
StephanieT said -"I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever."
Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage. Start by trying to gradually educate your wife s-l-o-w-l-y. But be prepared for the fact that sooner or later she'll turn round and ask if there's something you're trying to tell her because all the clues will be adding up in her mind. But sooner or later you have to live life for yourself as well as others (dual-life balance).
Play carefully, as a lot of the girls have said here, they were eventually outed, but its better to out yourself if you can as you are in control of the repurcussions. Reember also that it is likely your feeling will get stronger as time goes on.
Katie B said - "Stephanie, I'm not at all surprised that your wife had a bad reaction to a CD "with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick." I'd agree that that combination would look wierd, and I too would wonder if they needed psychiatric help."
/me counts to ten and thinks happy thoughts
This may just be the most ignorant comment I've read in a very long time. Are you judging crossdressers on whether they just like to express a little femininity as opposed to trying to pass?
I absolutely agree and that seems to be becoming a trend with you Sarah.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah_GG
My wife will do this with anyone, anywhere whether it be gay, TG, or race related. The first time it happened was with one of my coworkers, when he made the absurdly stupid comment that being gay was sinful. I just refilled my wine glass with a large pour and sat back to watch the fireworks.
[SIZE="2"]I would have asked, "what is it about him that bothers you so much?" Because honestly, when someone makes that kind of comment, I don't know if it's because they feel threatened or insulted by what the other person is wearing.
Or another question would be, "what kind of comment on society do you think this person is trying to say through the use of clothing?"
I find a lot of the attitudes funny, because we were always told that it's what's inside a person that counts. But the second a guy wears one piece of women's clothing, it is assumed the inside is all messed up!
And society won't stay this way forever, it is changing, albeit slowly. I was talking to my 16 year old niece (who knows about Tracy) and said she thought it would be cool to have a boyfriend that cross-dressed. And no, she was not saying that just because I CD. She has no problem telling me what's on her mind!
-Tracy[/SIZE]
GOOD LUCK - I never told my spouse - but she found out - you are in a
really tough spot - if you really love her and if she really loves you, I would
honestly bring it up and talk about it - it would be a lot worse for her to find
out on her own and if you have read many of the articles (posts) on this
Forum, you know that in the long run, it would be best to tell her
JoAnne Wheeler
Have to agree with Sarah. This was a perfect opportunity to at least find outQuote:
Originally Posted by StephanieT
what kind of problem she had with it. Like if it was the person or the CDing in general.
I really hope you don't have to be in that closet forever. :sad:
SouthernBelle
Stephanie
Sounds like your discribing a lady down the street from me. She is currently undergoing cancer treatment and is losing her hair in a male-pattern baldness. She can't be bothered with make-up and only uses lipstick. If I didn't know her, I might have have come to the same conclusion.
Not all may be what it seems.
Good luck with the wife.
:hugs:
that is too bad I'm lucky my not only approves but helps me look my best
by the way nice bike looks a great deal like mine
When I first tried to tell my wife about the real me, she had a fit as well, so I stayed in the closet for a long time. A few years ago she found my girlie bag and asked who the things belonged to. She was actually relieved when I told her the truth. We had a series of long talks about my desire to be a girl, and she gradually came to accept it.
Never in a million years did I dream she would. There is hope, we are who we are, and that is why those that truly love us will eventually accept the truth. Good luck.
Before one of those very special moments, I hinted to my wife that "I would love to BE in your panties whilst I am getting IN your panties..."
We have not looked back since, go shopping together, dress up together, etc, etc...
It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
Love (M)ichelle
First though research into whether it will burn your eyes if its thrown in your face:doh:....just being realistic.Quote:
Originally Posted by (M)ichelle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erica A.
The following is a paid opinion and doesn't reflect the ideas and thoughts of all people here.
When you get into a relationship over time you become comfortable. You learn when to rock the boat and when to let it be. I know that some of the people here are overwhelmed by their desires and they eventually explode and that is never a good thing. But if you like your housr and car and you love your children and you really love your wife, sometimes you have to closet things.
I think this is what the OP was saying. She read the Burma shave signs and has decided that eating and sleeping with her SO is better than eating McD' and sleeping in the garage right now. As many have said this is a good time to do some ground work. She now knows what her SO thinks and she can lay a foundation to help sway that opinion. Maybe she will maybe she won't. But as long as everyone is comfortable (note I didn't say happy) then it works for them.
:swear: im also counting but to a 1000!!i totally agree with senban #24 about what katie #22 said (holding my breath and tounge) :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3: ive got long hair, balding on top ,and wear just lipstick allmost everyday! with a goatee so you think i need psychiatric help?:Angry3::drink: i also have an accepting s/o ive also had a s/o who could never accept it in fact it HURT them very badly that it was part of there life! NOT WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR! I do agree that it was a good opportunity to feel the water but be very carefull with all that said I strongly recommend being up front from the start! BEFORE marriage to say the least:drink: we all make our own beds !!
Remind your wife about the CD y'all saw, and ask her if she thinks she could do a better job of making you look feminine.
Tell her you were just curious, and thought she might find it fun to try.
Some people won't accept yeah?Quote:
Originally Posted by leslie ann
I figure like this - people are diverse and the "normal" folks better get used to it cause we are not going away.
Yeah, same here after 32 years........Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
Better to open up the dialogue me thinks
>>>I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.
Guess again.
As many have pointed out, she will probably find out anyway.
For example, did you miss the recent postings about, "Who would find your stuff if you died?"
Another example, did you not read the numerous posts about, "Busted and in trouble!" that appear here almost daily?
And, even if you get rid of the stuff, have you not followed the discussions about not being your real self with your most intimate partner?
She's going to feel like this is a "Double or Triple Whammy" when she finds out, whenever that is... And, you'd be kinder to bring it up now with this latest event as a reference.
"What was it about that CD that bothered you so much? You're usually not that hard on people."
Take it from there.
Speaking of taking it, I'm very careful not to. If someone makes a crude joke about an unattractive/old/crippled/overweight/black friend, I do not laugh. I say, "Wow, that's harsh. Seems like a nice person to me," or, "Well, you never know what people might be dealing with - life is complicated, you know."
Same goes for gay/ts/tg/cd people and issues: "So, what's that to you? Did someone not ask you to the prom because they were gay/ts/tg/cd? If so, was that a good thing or a bad thing that they didn't ask?"
Most people don't really want to fight. But, everyone says dumb things sometimes. Almost no one is prepared to argue and win their position explaining their prejudices. Know YOUR thoughts, feelings, and facts and be prepared to hang in there for the ten to sixty seconds of huffing and puffing that may come...
You don't always have to say much; just calling attention to the point puts them on the spot AND puts them on notice that you, and probably other people, hear what they say and draw more conclusions about them than the people they complain about.
Having said all that, get your life in order and open a line of communication about these issues and keep it open. You may need a "fall back" position someday, at the very least.
By the way, for people who keep saying, "Well, I decided I liked my house, car, kids, boat enough to shut up about it."
Funny thing is, it's that wanting the house, car, boat, kids, etc. so much that gives the SOs pause when they start dealing with these nearly inevitable "surprises."
If they didn't need you for something, and, maybe like you too, you'd be gone in an instant. That you're not, means you both have some talking to do to work out a new plan.
So, talk already.
I feel that you let a great opportunity pass you by, this was a opportunity to ask your wife what was it that she did not like, was it because the CD did not try to pass, did she feel that it was mockery to women or was it that he must be gay because he likes to wear women clothing or is it just sick to see a man out in women clothing.
What ever it is you can not keep this from your wife as long as you to are together she will find out...........it is time to talk to her about what it is she dose not like about Cd's....when your wife finds out about you......it is not going to be good , and we all have try to keep it from our SO and we all sooner or latter got caught.
LA CINDY LOVE
i was lucky, never had a problem with my so accepting.
If you can't be honest with yourself and honest with your SO...then what's the point of having a relationship!!!
Try to tell her and you might be surprised with her reaction.I am a GG and I can tell you she would probably prefer to know!if she really loves you she will be able to see beyond dresses and make up and value you as a person!good luck
You should have said I bet I could look more like a woman than him and then proved it.. of course that's easy for me to say.. I'm in the closet behind the bowling ball and the old softball mitt you haven't worn in ten years...
I have agree with some of the previous comments. You really don't know what you wife really said. I'd see if I could bring the incident up again and ask a few questions.Quote:
Originally Posted by StephanieT
A lot of negative comments toward the spouses. THis is a blast with a supporting spuse. I have learned not to sell her short. You never know until you try. She may just surprise you. Mine sure has.
Yes...Quote:
Originally Posted by bruno
The problem is the IF.
"if she really loves you she will be able to see beyond dresses and make up and value you as a person!"
Read this forum for a while... you will read a lot of really horrible stories about things that SO's have said / done to CD husbands. Did those wives not really love their husbands? Maybe not, I would say probably not - but it isn't my place to say, or to know. The fact is that many of them, love and value aside, hate CDing... and want nothing to do with it, particularly with their husband.
Is it sad? Of course. Is it horrible? Of course. Is it something that many CD's are forced to endure every day? Of course.
I certainly don't know you well enough to know if you're kidding, but... wow. I never would have expected to see anyone, much less a CD saying something like that around here. I mean, heck, I'm pretty judgemental and I'd never go that far.Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie B
So now "looking weird" is a need for psychiatric help? We'd better round up all these kids with unnatural hair colors, multiple body piercings, goth makeup, and pants halfway down their butts and send 'em to the shrink. Meanwhile the rest of us who don't give a flying frock what people think about the way we look will just wear whatever we want to wear.
old weird-looking ralph
"It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
Love (M)ichelle "
Well... I agree....
I also agree with the earlier post saying that it is the NOT telling and keeping secrets causes most harm. None of us would like to discover something that our SO's have kept from us.... It plainly deceit and that kills any TRUST!
Set the mood and suggest it to her... You may be very supprised
Jen
Erika wrote:
Out of necessity. Many of us have learned the hard way that it's either the part time closet, or out and be alone. In retrospect, I would never have told my ex. Ever. And at this rate, I'll never tell anyone again.Quote:
I guess there are some things I just don't get. I really can't understand how some, and I'm beginning to think most, CD'ers can live a "closeted" life with their SO.
Senban wrote:
Get a different wife. Hahahahahahaha! If it were only that easy. Many marriages survive, even flourish despite the partners not knowing everything about each other. Indeed, very often they'd rather ignore the many things that they'd prefer not to know about. Think of all the lives that capitalist successes wind up crushing. Do you think wives of all the robber barons and their associates really want to know all the dirty deals that their husbands were involved in? NO. They want the comfortable, nice life, where they believe the guy is wonderful, successful, and treats everyone perfectly fairly. Many successful men marry younger women, who they suspect is fooling around while they go about making their fortunes each day at work. But they trade that for having that hot woman around when they want them, and ignore what goes on when they're not around. Pretty commonplace. There are all kinds of marriages, and most aren't based solely on love.Quote:
Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage.
Kimmie wrote:
This unfortunately, is not the most common reaction, although we can all dream.Quote:
When I first tried to tell my wife about the real me, she had a fit as well, so I stayed in the closet for a long time. A few years ago she found my girlie bag and asked who the things belonged to. She was actually relieved when I told her the truth.
Michelle wrote:
It doesn't work out that way for all; many of us wind up drinking that champagne alone for a very long time after 'spilling the beans'. And whether it's worth living life in a loving relationship while not being able to tell absolutely everything to our SO is really dependent on how much we are willing to give up for either.Quote:
It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
Bruno wrote:
Oh, I'm sure she'd prefer to know. I found out the hard way that my wife sure would have preferred to know before she married me, so that she never would have. Women want complete honesty from men, but many reserve the right to keep some secrets to themselves.Quote:
Try to tell her and you might be surprised with her reaction.I am a GG and I can tell you she would probably prefer to know!
Jennifer wrote:
It really depends on what those secrets are, now, doesn't it. See, there's a world of difference between being a closeted stamp collector and being a closeted seriel killer. Or, perhaps a woman who was thrilled for the past 30 years over the two carat diamond engagement ring you gave her, well, would she really benefit from knowing that you got it at a discount because the previous owner was murdered by her ex boyfriend the day she received it? Probably not. Some secrets are good, and people are quite happy never knowing about them as long as it doesn't affect the rest of their lives (much the same as tens of billions of women throughout history have been thrilled with their diamonds because they didn't have to face knowing how many people got killed in the process of mining and selling them). I tend to believe that part time crossdressing is most often one of those secrets; as long as it doesn't affect her life, she will be perfectly happy never knowing about it. When you're 90 years old and she finds your stash after you're dead, remember, she had perhaps 70 great happy years before that. As above, most people don't tell each other every single thing about their lives and each other, sometimes because we think it won't matter, and at other times because we think that it definately will.Quote:
I also agree with the earlier post saying that it is the NOT telling and keeping secrets causes most harm.
Stephanie, this part "A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit." pretty much says all you need to know. There are a whole lot of people who really, really don't like gender bending of any sort, it seems to upset their view of how the world should be.
Before deciding to out yourself to anyone, you have to really consider all the possible reactions, and the results of your actions. If you can comfortably live with the worst possible outcome, then go for it. Sure, it's wonderful to hear all the nice words of support from those who managed to successfully wind up with wives who accepted them as their fem selves, but that isn't the most common outcome, and it seems that your wife isn't the type who really wants her husband in a dress.