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Although cross dressing is a great stress reliever and is very enjoyable to do I find myself very depressed because of the fact that I am living this big secret, keeping it from my wife and family, and finding it so difficult to do yet I still buy such pretty outfits.
How do others deal with the loneliness, isolation, compulsiveness, guilt and secret desire that cross dressing brings about?
Emmi
Personally, I've dealt with it by coming out to two gg friends. Both were totally accepting, but I still have to keep a secret from my family, but hopefully one day i can tell my mom.
It's taken me over 20 years to only half answer that one!!!
You have to find your own way.
Sorry that's not much help is it but I fear that it's true.
Good luck on you search.
L&P
Mariej
xx
Hey Emmi,
I find that living the secret life is half of the fun and enjoyment of CrossDressing, I also find the risk of getting caught as an added thrill. I really don't think I would enjoy CrossDressing as much, without the risk of getting caught. I know my views on this subject are quite different from most of you. Do any of you feel as I do?
Ricki B
Hi Emmi,
First off get away with this 'guilt' feeling. There is nothing to feel guilty about CD. There is also nothing wrong with it. I have a Niece who finished Psychologie Studies and she told me there is nothing wrong, a lot of man doing it, but Study have not found out jet Why +?
To your Problem about being lonely - if you go to all other Posts in Forum you will find out that only a few lucky CD's have accepting wifes or girl friends.
So a lot of girls here will share and can feel with you. Myself included.
The solution? Fight your guilt feelings and transfer into CD mode whenever "the air is clear".
Even if there is a great difference between understanding and accepting, its very hard if you have a partner who just don't won't to know about it.
So if you truly love your partner, YOU have to accept the nearly impossible - but sometime miracles happen.
So Chin-up Emmi, find support in our Forum which will help you to cope with it.
Love and hugs from Norbie :p
How to deal? I just never let it become all I think about. I try to focus on the positives in life, no matter how things get. There's always some new change coming. Time is the killer. Dwelling on the problems we can't change doesn't go a long way except for to make matters worse. If there are things that can be changed then change them as you can. But otherwise enjoy the time you do have to 'be youself'.
Find a hotel or tg friendly place near you there are a lot of band b's that cater to us or just find a motel to get dressed in and go out to a club and meet the rest of us that felt like you at one time or another. It always helps to go with someone first. So if you are ever in the northwest jersey area just call me
Emmi,Quote:
Originally Posted by emmicd
One of the best "tricks" I found to combat the isolation is to get out into public dressesed as much in femme (w/o makeup and wig) as possible, but without really showing it... What I mean is, I'll wear low rise flared jeans.. the flare covers my shoes enough so no one really notices them.. and a polo shirt for example (all womens of course). If I put on my (womans fleece coat), I can replace the polo shirt with a very feminine blouse, lightly padded bra and maybe a cute belt.. the coat covers it all. Add to that a little lipstick very close to the natural color of your lips...
I've been out shopping and dinning dressed this way many, many times and I've never noticed any one giving me the look. It's not exactly "getting all dolled up", but it certainly scratches the itch and helps ease the feeling of isolation.
~Sigrid
so if you don't want come out just yet keep it as your special secret and have that time to your self . you are who you are and be happy . good luck :) polly
I go out a lot this way. Panties, Pantyhose, bra, ladies slacks, ladies t-shirt, and even natural color lipstick. I gone shopping with my sister and even lounged around the house. No one notices but you and that will sctach a itch.
I told my wife before we were engaged but I still had about a ten year repression period during our marriage (we were married 23+ years) because I thought I could go without dressing. That resulted in a sort of 'floodgates opening' scenario at the end of that ten years and it wasn't very well accepted.
Your wife should know. It's part of the trust that is implied in marriage vows. However I have seen relationships break up because of this. It all depends on how you tell her and what her preconceived notions about it are (and how deeply ingrained they are). If you break it to her slowly and in a way she can understand both your reluctance to tell her and what CDing is really about, there's a good chance she'll understand. Look at some of the GGs here and what they have written about being in a relationship with a CD. Marla just wrote a beautiful essay recently that every woman in a relationship with a CD should read.
Early in in our marriage, my wife would take the kids to her mom's so I could have a dress up weekend. On average she did this maybe three or four times a year. We also took weekend getaways. I never left the hotel room but I still got to dress and that relieved a lot of stress.
In the early 90's I joined Tri-Ess and attended monthly meetings. That was my first time going out in public dressed outside of Halloween. My wife was fully aware and would keep the kids preoccupied while I got dressed and snuck out the front door. As the kids got older I did this less and less which led to the ten year repression, something I would never advise any CD to do. :thumbsdn:
Dressing behind her back is something I would never recommend. Eventually it will come out and the longer it goes on without her knowledge, the worse the discovery will be. That's just my personal feelings.
And just an FYI, my marriage didn't break up because of the CDing, but how I responded to repressing the desire to dress during that ten year period was a factor in our breakup.
I understand your issue and I have been struggling with this as well. I recently started working with a therapist to help me sort out the issue. I have been dressing for nearly 40 years and only recently gone out by visiting Chicago and the great group the Island Girls. I found though that this has opened new floodgates of needs to be more and more femme. I do scratch the itch subtly at times, I need Tiffany more and more though.. I like the idear of trying to find some understanding GG's or other CD's to share with and have been trying in my home town.
You are not alone though hon.
tiff
Joann P- I have a question?? I noticed in a few of your posts you mentioned lip stick to match your natural lip color and that no one notices. Can't you see the shine of something? I don't know because I never used it, but I'm curious.
donna9... It is called "Bronze Cream". It is purplish in color. Matches my natural lip color so close, no one notices I have any on. Now, I have to be careful and NOT kiss anyone. LOL
Joann- Ok, you learn something new every day.
prozacQuote:
How do others deal with the loneliness, isolation, compulsiveness, guilt and secret desire that cross dressing brings about
Thank you!
I am very appreciative for all your comments and sincerity. I am very happy I've come across this website and have been introduced to all you wonderful girls.
I am not feeling so lonely with such a wonderful resource.
I would love to thank all you girls who have responded and given me such wonderful advice.
Thank you Norbie for putting the guilt feelings in proper perspective. You are so right! How are things down under? It's a priveledge to meet your acquaintance.
Almost Caught, Thank you as well. Honesty is always the best policy. I wish you Good Luck!
MarieJ, Thank you for sharing your experience and honesty. I really appreciate that.
RickiBGood, You do make sense. In keeping such a personal secret it does sometimes provide that element of excitement. I certainly remember those early days dressing and always being on the edge so as not to be caught by my parents and sisters.
Tristen, Thank you for all your commentery. I'm glad you're the ambassador of this great website. You certainly do a great job at it.
Like2BAspen, I certainly would love to dress en femme and meet with you and other girls in NJ. I sometimes travel to Fairfield for my work. Rt 80. Actually I'll be there tommorrow.
Sigrid, Thank you too! Actually I took my son and niece to the amusement park today wearing a nice pair of woman's slacks, woman's polo shirt and a woman's swimsuit underneath. It felt great and nobody knew but me. Thank you for your advice.
Polly, Thank you also. I will still keep this to myself but will casually dress en femme in a sort of androgynous way so as not to offend my wife or family.
JoAnn, Thank you for your advice as well. It does seem possible to go out somewhat dressed in femme without attracting attention.
JulieM, I do agree with you. Honesty is the best policy but I will have to do it in a delicate way and when I feel it is appropriate. Thank you!
Tiffany, It's great to meet other girls who feel the same way as I. I know I'm not alone. It would be great if we could all meet and be girlfriends all dressed up. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
And to all you other girls who have responded or will respond,
Thank You So Much!
Love and Hugs,
Emmi
I read this discussion with interest as something I am dealing with right now. I have hidden my cross dressing from my wife for our entire 8yr marriage and generally terrified what would happen if she found out. The fact I started to body wax and go out have all been accepted without question.
As of last weekend I have finally admitted to her that I would like to dress in womens clothes and have done so in the past. She was very good about it all and didnt seem too phased. I am now trying to work out the best way forward with her as I would like to be able to come right out and do so without such a shock to her or hurt her but I guess thats the dilema. Ultimately I am not going to stop and we have children and so forth so will be interesting.
Its daunting yet exciting at the same time as we have chatted a lot about sexuality and so on which has never been done. Either way at some stage I will confess fully and I hope she can accept as just part of me and always has been, she just has not been made aware of it.
As one of the previous comments said, we all have to find our way.
Sonya xx
Sonia,
If you have not yet come across the thread written by Carson titled "My wife was going to find out sooner or later" you should read it as you will probabaly relate to it.
As far as my keeping it a secret, I don't think it is healthy. I think it is good to have a healthy discussion about it and probabaly seek some form of conselling if you are open to the idea. Also there are tremendous resourses out there including this website.
I have sought counselling from a psychologist for a year or so regarding my cross dressing but am currently dealing with it privately. Now that I am married with a son I really need to exercise proper judgement and always be respectful of my wifes wishes. My wife and son always come first.
I wish you well and hope things work out in a positive way.
Emmi
Thanks for your comments Emmi and I agree. In my case we have a young daughter so I am very mindful of that as well but yes the 'big secret' is not healthy and reality is that at some point in time it will be discovered so I think better coming from me in an honest forum.
Now the trick or working to that and I have read through the other thread you mention and found it very interesting.
Hugs Sonya xx
They bring them to us! That's what we're here for.Quote:
Originally Posted by emmicd
If you're like me, Emmi, you can't let anyone else know about it. So it will be our little secret.
Oh, and "stress reliever!?" In a way, but it really brings on a lot more stress than it relieves, doesn't it? Just putting on lipstick and getting it to look right takes way more patience than I normally have!
My wife has known for 29 years, and I told my son earlier this year, so now I have no worries when dressing around the house, where I use to worry when my son would come home or if he'd ever go out.
I found that before I came out to my fiance, then my gf, I felt much the way you did. While I am still in the closet and do feel the effects of stress from hiding away in my home, having a real person to share my dressing with has been a really big help. If coming out to your wife is not an option, have you ever thought of joining a local support group? Keeping a secret like the one we have all bottled up can't be good for anyone's mental health. Good luck.... Kiera
I totally agree with Kiera.
I only came out to my wife last year after nearly 15years of marriage.
OK, BOTH of you will have your ups and downs but to be able to not have to keep it all to yourself, and knowing that someone actually knows about it is an AMAZING feeling!! (Excuse me for sounding like a drama queen!)
It will give you emense relief and also your wife may well suspect something anyway and probably be so relieved you're not have an affair (as mine was) she would want to see what all the fuss is about!
Just DO it!!
I think I've dealt with it quite well.Quote:
Originally Posted by emmicd
In the early days I had an enormous guilt due to the sexual experience that CDing, for me, used to be. Now I much prefer the longer times I remain en fem during the day, (thank god for study leave!!)
I hope I've done ok on the secret front: many don't know, then I'm become slightly more afeminate, and probably more camp now with friends, (some who know, and some who don't.) Whether this is noticable and questionable is a different matter.
My wife just says
"Well, at least we found out at home and not on the Jerry Springer show!"
Pip