How supportive would you be?

To all the married ladies out there.

What if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife decided she was going to start binding and packing, cut her hair and basiclly start presenting as a male on her off/down time?

Would you be shocked? Think it's just too weird? Or be just fine with it, actually go out and hang out like a couple of regular dudes?

I think when you look at it that way, it makes you realize how hard on SO's this must be. I was married for 16 years when I started transition 4 years ago. And I knew even before I came out that as soon as I did my marraige was over.

So to you that have SO's that accept this side of you. Treasure them because they are truly rare gems!

~~Youngling Disclaimer: I am a young person and I do take responsibility for what I say and I understand if I say something wrong so say something if I am wrong, I will understand~~

Are you saying if we were I guess I would say "just" male and our wife started Cding how would we react or if I had come out to my wife and then she in turn to me?

I'm young but I think I have a good input, It would definitely put it into perspective for us to understand what they are trying to go through. I personally would be very supportive either way, whether we both are Cders or just her, but if it came down to it, I would love her more if she CDed meaning I wouldn't love her less if not cause she would also understand where I would coming from if that makes sense and I would think that would be the perfect marriage but what do I know :heehee:

I am a very accepting person and can stand on any point of any argument and see where people support or dislike it so I am just rambling.


*Hugs*Kisses*

I know you mean if she went to the extreme on this but truth is in general males accept many of the changes to a more androgynous look as the way it is. There will be a few here who would go off the deep end just as there are women who go off the deep end. I think we hear more often of the bad things than the good things that happen (i.e. more women accept what we do to a certain extent, within parameters, without leaving or placing ultimatums). There is a spectrum here just like anywhere else. The hair, the makeup , the clothing all this has been discussed hundreds of times here. Other than as you say the binding and packing, females taking on a more androgynous look is standard. They just don't throw it in our faces one day.

The question arises then (because no one here is going say"I'd divorce that ****** in a heartbeat, that would make us very hypocritical now wouldn't it?" are we more tolerant as a gender do we just tend to let things slide more?

So, now that the tiger has been let loose from the cage, let's just see how many hypocrites there are on this forum.

I'd ask mine to at least get a man's hairstyle wig. I love her long hair too much!

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

So, now that the tiger has been let loose from the cage, let's just see how many hypocrites there are on this forum.

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Aww now no one is going to post here :heehee:

I would support Sheila all the way, i love the whole person for who she is, not what she is :)

Even if Sheila eventually decided to have penile prosthesis i would still remain with her because our love runs deeper than just the external appearance

Well I'd like to say that I'd be completely cool with it, but the truth of the matter is that would probably end our romantic relationship. The reason this doesn't make me a complete hypocrite is that I was up front about my TGism long before we got serious. She knew what she was getting in to. If the shoe were on the other foot and she was up front with me, we would still be very good friends, but probably not romantically involved.

Of course, who knows. Maybe I'd be the girl and she'd be the guy in the relationship. We wouldn't need to worry about looking like a non-heterosexual couple (not that there is anything wrong with that!) out in public I guess. Hmmm...oh honey...would you try this binding???

Oh, that's easy - very supportive. I love Becky a great deal. I respect her view and value her unconditional commitment to our relationship. I'd have no problem at all in respecting his view and valuing his unconditional commitment to our relationship. Just so long as he didn't see fit to strip down and clean our motorbike on the kitchen table. Some things are just not in the realm of tolerance at all.

Sarah...

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Originally Posted by Rachel A V

What if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife decided she was going to start binding and packing, cut her hair and basiclly start presenting as a male on her off/down time?

Would you be shocked? Think it's just too weird?

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I'd be supportive of it... though I'd no longer be able to be her husband.

After feeling the painful rip of heartache I'd surely experience if my wife decided she wanted to be a he, or just look like a he (like I look like a she), I would need to end the marriage. It would effectively kill the woman I was in love with in my mind and in my heart. Never again could I look at her in a sexual way. The turn-off would be very permanent.

After taking some time off (time apart) to heal my wounds of love, I'd be the best friend I could be to her. There would still be love in my heart, though not the romantic type.

If gg's want to become men or just appear as one - that's fine. I'm all for people being who they are, rather than who other's would have them be. I'd be supportive of a female friend who wanted to appear male. But I could never be romantically involved with anyone like this. It just wouldn't work... ever.

Oddly enough, I was talking to my wife about this over the weekend. Luckily, she's just as turned off at the thought of appearing like a man as I would be in seeing her like that. She loves being girly - so I guess we have that in common! :heehee:

I'm not sure if this sticks me in the hypocrite category and if it does, I won't loose any sleep over it. I mean, I'd be supportive, I just couldn't be married to a woman like that. I need to be attracted to the woman I love - she needs to be feminine, not masculine. I cannot be in love with someone that is masculine and I'm being completely honest about it. I could love them as a friend, but never romantically. That's the truth and I am not ashamed of it.

For me it would be easy, but I'm not altogether straight either, so I may be a poor example. For me I would support her 100% in whatever path she chose.

It is an interesting point though, and I'd be willing to bet a lot of crossdressers (not all, or necessarily a majority) wouldn't be very supportive at all, hypocracy seems to be a prevalent human condition. Helps to put things in perspective.

Gab, that is the definition of being hypocrite though. Your S/O accepted who you are on your dressing and still able to be with you but you can't do the same for her and feel "turned off"? I don't know what your relationship with your wife is, but just imagine if she said that to you instead of accepting you.

That's just not being fair, you're just trying to have your cake and eat it too.

Debs, thanks but it ain't ever gaonna happen hun:)

Gabrielle WOW how wonderful to see such honesty, and i don't think that it took a lot for you to say what you did, I feel that you share who who are here warts (or Not) and all.

so far this has been an interseting read from a GG point of view :hugs: to you all

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Originally Posted by KateC

Gab, that is the definition of being hypocrite though. Your S/O accepted who you are on your dressing and still able to be with you but you can't do the same for her and feel "turned off"? I don't know what your relationship with your wife is, but just imagine if she said that to you instead of accepting you.

That's just not being fair, you're just trying to have your cake and eat it too.

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I understand.

I'm not going to lie though. If I were to say I can be in love with her appearing in a masculine form, I'd be lying. I'm not trying to change anyone because I believe that is wrong - how many failed relationships have I had because I tried to change the woman I was dating? Anyway, I was honest, and am being honest now. If my honesty makes me a hypocrite, I'm ok with it. I don't take it as an insult, but rather understanding of who I am, how I feel, and where I sit with certain situations in my life.

I spoke the truth. I'll say the same, more or less, if the same topic comes up again. I've said it before.

In my case, my wife and I both accept each other as we are. We're both girly. This is the reality. This is what exists. This is where we are in our marriage and we're very happy. In our lives, this is all that matters - our own happiness and acceptance of each other as we are.

Again - I take no offense in being called a hypocrite on this matter. :) I'm showing my respect of people's decisions to live their lives as they choose. It does not mean that I have to pretend to be attracted to someone or romantically interested in them if I am not. I will not live a lie. I cannot live a lie. I have too much respect for me and for my wife (if she chose a masculine path) to live a lie. The marriage would end, and (hopefully) a friendship would remain. As I said - I could and would love her as a friend (after dealing with the heartbreak). That would not go away. :)

EDIT: I should probably add that if my wife did not accept my crossdressing, our marriage would have ended. I would not have changed who I am for her. I could not have changed who I am. If she left me because of my crossdressing, I would have let her go. Heartbroken, feeling lower than dirt, depressed beyond understanding, and second guessing everything about myself in the process... I would have let her go. It would be that, or loose my sanity. Heartbreaks heal. I know because I've been through it before - even with my own wife. Sanity... that is something I cannot afford to live without. And no - there's nothing easy about a heartbreak. But I've survived them before.

Well I must say that the women on planet earth have done a very good job of taking over all the things that guys like to do. The dress like men now. They act like men. They work like men. They hunt and fish like men. They play all of the manly games men play. So I don't see that there is much more to be OK with. It is equal as I see it.

I am supportive but I don't think that that is the right words as they have already made a huge change in our society.

I am the only one that I know that wears a dress. All the women in my life never wear a dress. LOL...... They wear blue jeans and t shirts. LOL...... As a matter of fact I had a discussion with Diana yrs ago and she wears mens under wear. LOL.... So what is there to get OK with.

But of course I am no longer married. So my opinion doesn't really matter any more. Just wanted to point that out.

Hugs

Jill

1 zillion percent! Crossdressing is so much fun that it needs to be shared .. besides -- wow! what a turn on! :)

When I first told my wife about being a crossdresser and then went on to say that I was turned on by girls wearing men's undies, she was more than willing to play along.

Life is beautiful!

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

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Originally Posted by Gabrielle Hermosa

I'd be supportive of a female friend who wanted to appear male. But I could never be romantically involved with anyone like this. It just wouldn't work... ever.

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Brilliant - now see, there's some honesty I've actually seen in action. Our friend Tina is 100% supportive of both me and Becky but she is quite clear that she could never accept it in her own relationship. Not for one second. Now that, for me, is unconditional friendship borne out of clear thinking. :)

Sarah...

I have no doubt about how hard it is for our wives to deal with our dressing, and I appreciate every little kindness mine shows toward it and me. And yes I would find it hard to deal with as well if the pump were on the other foot, but I'd try, and I'd try very hard. The irony to me is the ease with which I believe women could pull this off compared to the difficulty for me. Size and societal acceptance of male-type attire on women makes it a little less than a level playing field. I would try to reach an accomodation that we could both live with and enjoy. In the end, it is her life to live, and it is mine too.

when i told my wife i was a CD, she ask me the same question, what would you do if i start dressing as a man and all that, and my answer was and still is i would support and accept her desition.

first lets say she only had dresses and was never without makeup and her hair was proper for every event , then she wanted to where my pants in the yard , not where makeup and she wanted to do the rock work on the wall , to just hang with the guys and drink beer and cuss, just every once in a wile , I would not have a problem but, she can do every thing we just talked about she doesn’t need me or my permission or even my help to do any of these things, her grand mother fixed that for her

And I do understand what you are saying, but would she just want to be one of the guys or be a guy and not my so?

WOW, this is a sticky subject! I have thought about this over the years. If she wanted to dress like a male around the house on occasion, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I wouldn't encourage it, but I would accept it as a need she has. If she wanted to live her life as a male, our relationship would be destroyed. I married a woman.

She views my crossdressing the same way. It's okay if I only do it occasionally, and only around the house. If I decided I wanted to live as a female, I wouldn't expect her to accept that. It would likely destroy our realtionship. She married a man.

Sexually, I would have no interest in her if she was presenting herself in a male form. It would be a complete turn off for me. Likewise, I don't ask her to be intimate with me when I am dressed as a female. We have been intimate with me as a female, but she initiated it. Females are much less visually stimulated then men are, so maybe it isn't a turn off for her.....I'll have to ask her.

Oh, by the way. I would never do anything to destroy our relationship. I married a wonderful woman and I value our relationship. No amount of crossdressing could never replace that.

just had this conversation with my so, told her I couldnt accept, si I guess thats really selfish on my part

Not very supportive at all!!! Sad to say, I married a woman!! and for that reason I do not blame my wife for not accepting me one bit!! She didn't sign up for this!!

Wouldn't faze me any.

It might if I wasn't trans, maybe. But knowing how I feel and what I need, how could I deny her the same things?

I'd rather be the girl to her being the man. However, if she wanted to hang out like two guys I could handle that.

I can be "adventurous" as well. :heehee:

Back when we were first married, she wore my boxers and I wore her panties. I don't own any boxers now, though.

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Originally Posted by Sarah...

Just so long as he didn't see fit to strip down and clean our motorbike on the kitchen table.

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Cleaning a bike naked? Well, I suppose it does help avoid grease stains... oh, you meant he'd strip down the bike. Never mind.

I'd give her the same warm welcome she gave me..Ha..hahaha..hahahaha..hahahahahaha...hahahahah ahahahahahha.
Yeah then I'd be ok as long as she didn't do it in front of me..Oh wait she did do it daily but it's ok a little makeup on and she was right back in girl mode.

Very interesting replies, thank you for being honest!

I myself fall into the hypocrite area, more evidenced by the fact that now that my transition is complete my attaction is 99% towards men. I consider myself a staight female. I would have a real problem being involved romanticlly with another TS or even a CD who dresses on occasion. Like many GG's I want my man to be a man.

I would give my wife the same treatment she is giving me, no support, no understanding and a lot of name calling. I guess that would be called revenge and even knowing it is wrong I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Renyta

The thought of hair legs and underarms on my wife make me shudder!

Good question. Trouble is, it's a hypothetical one for me because I know my wife (as she knows me) and she is not interested.
I would, I am sure, still love her just the same because it's the person I love, not the wardrobe or the hairstyle. She, as it happens, feels the same about me.
It's only fair to say, perhaps, that before I came out to her as Ruth I was not a particularly tough macho guy: I preferred books and the theatre to sport and the great outdoors, and I have no idea about the mechanical side of cars. So it was no great stretch for her when I started wearing dresses.

Not sure how I would be probably only one of those questions to answer when or if it occurs. I agree though with most people its about the person as a whole and clthes shouldnt dictate how you feel about someone but I guess that does happen in some situations.

So far as I can tell, most women crossdress every single day. Either that, or they've managed over the last 50 years to make boots, jeans, and a t-shirt acceptable feminine wear.

So the point doesn't hold up, really. Where we are percieved as a challenge to societal norms, they already ARE the societal norm. I guess that means we have to work harder lol.

Crysten

Great Point! If my wife approached me, I would probably be shocked for quite a while. I agree that those with accepting spouses/SOs are very fortunate. My wife is unaware of this part of my life. I have hid it for many years with only a few close calls. If the shoe was on the other foot? Hmmmm...... Not sure.

I told my wife when we met, I would have expected the same if that were true, and I would accept it

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Originally Posted by Crysten

So far as I can tell, most women crossdress every single day. Either that, or they've managed over the last 50 years to make boots, jeans, and a t-shirt acceptable feminine wear.

So the point doesn't hold up, really. Where we are percieved as a challenge to societal norms, they already ARE the societal norm. I guess that means we have to work harder lol.

Crysten

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true, but what I think took this out of the everyday dressing women do is the addition of the packing and binding. To reduce breast size ( I know a lesbian who does this just because she thinks she is too big, which is not true but maybe some lesbians prefer boyish chests):strugglin and packing? I don't ever remember that being important to be to showing what I have (maybe because it was a moot point because I would need athletic socks just to be average).
I know many women who would like smaller less conspicuous breasts but have yet to meet the one who wants a 9" penis (probably due to the fact they can get those anytime they want from willing men).

So I read it more about the accessories rather than the clothing. If tomorrow it was OK for men to wear skirts and dresses, how many here would be satisfied?...We want the boobs, butts and flat fronts. When I read it like that I can see how husbands would be shocked, but I also have a gut feeling that as long as she didn't become a total lesbian, those same guys would either ignore or think they hit the jackpot. IMHO.

In as far as CD whose spouse came out this way,I would hope that our experience (after initial shock) would be total acceptance. But I was wrong as per previous posts. I would take my wife, beard, flat chest and a 8" penis over losing her. But I am not in the middle of the bell curve, never have been never will.

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Originally Posted by Crysten

So far as I can tell, most women crossdress every single day. Either that, or they've managed over the last 50 years to make boots, jeans, and a t-shirt acceptable feminine wear.

So the point doesn't hold up, really. Where we are percieved as a challenge to societal norms, they already ARE the societal norm. I guess that means we have to work harder lol.Crysten

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Actually no we do not Crysten ...... as you are a new member I will not jump up and down on you, but in general this viewpoint has been beaten to death on the forum and generally results in ill feeling anf on occasions threads being closed because of how heated discussions can get :sad:, .......... we GG'ss wear female clothing desingned for the female body (in general)

Welcome to the forum hun :hugs:

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Originally Posted by Rachel A V

Very interesting replies, thank you for being honest!

I myself fall into the hypocrite area, more evidenced by the fact that now that my transition is complete my attaction is 99% towards men. I consider myself a staight female. I would have a real problem being involved romanticlly with another TS or even a CD who dresses on occasion. Like many GG's I want my man to be a man.

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A hypocrit, is one who professes ONE THING, but does ANOTHER!:Angry3:

Like sayin; " My wife can dress however, and be as masculine as she wants to be". But then, u refuse to sleep with her! :doh:

What Gabby said, is NOT hypocrital! And I'm with her! I'm NOT attracted to anything masculine, including myself!:eek:
I can't enjoy sex when dressed, if I can see a man in my mirror!:sad:

If I were to find a GG to have a relationship with, I'd be HONEST about my CDing. I wouldn't dress around her, and be a man whenever we're together. If she wanted it that way. AND, I'd expect her to present as a FEMALE around me!:hugs:

THAT'S NOT being hypocritical!:brolleyes:

So many of the points raised here on this issue are confused & confusing (appropriate use of those terms, no?). So much of what has been said is dependent on sexual orientation rather than gender expression.

Heterosexual M2F crossdressers are attracted sexually to women & would thus not be attracted to a woman who wanted to be taken as a man sexually but perhaps OK with a GG who role plays for sexual excitement but stops at that point. See? Confusion runs riot. Is this not our collective lot?

Hypocrisy is not really the issue. Gender expression and sexual preference are two very different subjects and lead in different directions. If my beautiful wife decided that she wanted to express her sexual excitement by dressing as a male and having sex that way, I would be surprised but would work my way through it. If, instead, she wanted breast mastectomy, a penile prosthesis and so on she would discover a very perplexed crossdresser SO. Each of us as individuals would have to work out the different sexual and gender issues. Personally, I would stand by my man if that's what she chose but would be very disappointed in her choice. I would expect the same reaction from her if I were to choose to have my gender reassigned. It's one thing to express sexual preferences and another to permanently live a gender decision.

Not to slice this too thin, but some of of you all are confusing transsexualism with cross dressing. No where in the first post did it say your wife would become a male or undergo any surgery. The question was she would WEAR things including prostheses to appear masculine. So sleeping with a TRans Male is not the question. No one said you would end up having sex with a "Male". It would be no different than when you remove your forms and pads and become a male again, your wife would present as a female (with maybe a little toy attached, if you like). So many of you claim that changing to a woman isn't even on your radar, yet you assume that when a woman does exactly what you are doing she will become a man. Look in the mirror! Are you scared she will leave you for a woman? Now you know what goes through her mind.

Guess you can see why women have concerns when we jump out of the closet and yell surprise! Shoes aren't so comfortable now are they?

And Doc, we would be hypocritical if we were to ask tolerance for us and refuse it for another

" Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai
Date:
13th century

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion 2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings "

I am sorry but most feelings here are "This is me take me as I am love and accept me" to not give that back would be hypocritical. So we disagree

i told my wife id support her no matter what, i love her for her insides not out. i have told her this already. but the thing with her hanging out with other men dont think she would, they would probly stick together kinda like we do.

I would like to add that refusing to except a TG wife even though you are a CD does not make you a hypocrite. But if you feel that way, but feel as though her hypothetical rejection of you is unfair, THEN you are a hypocrite.

You're either attracted to a person or you're not. It doesn't have to be fair, or even logical. Sexuality is internal, not rational.

Crysten has a great point they do dress in mens clothes daily and there are no looks about it, ive also said this to my wife, she understands, we are wearing dresses and heels and painting our faces, there is a small difference..

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Originally Posted by Patricia1

Heterosexual M2F crossdressers are attracted sexually to women & would thus not be attracted to a woman who wanted to be taken as a man sexually but perhaps OK with a GG who role plays for sexual excitement but stops at that point. See? Confusion runs riot. Is this not our collective lot?

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And yet the "unaccepting wives" many of the CDers here complain about are themselves heterosexual GGs. So according to you, Patricia, it's perfectly okay for them not to be attracted to their husband once they (the husbands) reveal that they are CDers.

Mods, I really think this thread should be "stickied" either on this or the "loved ones" forum. Regardless of one's view on the issue, it provides perspective for those "negotiating" with their SOs about boundaries.

I would love this, however, I would want this to be "our thing". the thought of going out with him, and having a role reversal would be exhilarating. I would have a hard time with a full FTM transition.
For me the ability to mix it up, two girly girls, one girly girl and one guy or two guys would bring so much adventure, exploration and expression into my life that I might just think I was in Nirvana. Just think of the fun!
Ta Ta
Juliet

honestly id think.....its awesome! this thought has crossed my mind before and i've weighed out the scenarios and came to the conclusion i'd be cool with it. granted there would be limits. say for example i doubt a SO would want me to show up at her families house as gina (out of respect for her family) i would ask the same from her. other than that i dont think there would be much of an issue for me at all.:)

Let me take my usual "other" perspective:

A) I know that the outward appearance of being feminine takes time to develop primarily because 1) our bodies aren't feminine (usually), and 2) we didn't spend all of our adolescence learning how to be feminine. So let's turn that around and they'd have to change how they walk and dress and all the rest. Just because they wear jeans and a T-shirt doesn't mean they are wearing male jeans and a male T-shirt...all that would have to change along with hair!

B) The other problem is how we talk and think. To be successful males they'd have to rethink their approach to life, and that would not be easy, just as it's not easy for us to change our speech patterns, our modes of thinking, and all the rest that really polish our being feminine.

Basically, they'd need lots of help, just as we do. Ok, granted that part of it may be easier because women have a wider socially accepted mode of attire, and men are slobs, so that much is easier. The rest would be just as much of a struggle if they were really committed to being accepted as male.

Lastly, my own agreement is that we married as heterosexual partners. We'd simply need to keep to that agreement and make sure that the majority of time that's who we are. If she wanted to be...say...Henry while I'm Tina...why not? Actually I think I'd be a stitch!

Tina

I've been putting a lot of thought into this very question myself as of late and honestly, I feel it WOULD be hypocritical to desire acceptance from my SO and not be willing to give acceptance if she decided she wanted to present as male sometimes. If that's what she really wanted, I'd be as supportive and accepting as I could. Which is exactly what I want from her.

My wife is not the most girly of girls in the first place. Her long hair is about as girly as she gets. The wearing of certain clothes or shaving does not impact much in our world. She wears slacks and polo style shirts most of the time so her style of dress is similar to my own in guy mode. I probably wear a dress far more often than she does, and have had more makeup on me in the past 2 months than she has in 20 plus years.

Personally, I would have more difficulty accepting a transition that included a change in etiquette to a more masculine style. I could not deal with or handle her spitting in public, farting, cussing like a sailor, digging her crotch, eating like a medieval king, and other very grotesque things that lots of guys do.

I could accept the style of dress and even anything else she wanted to do even cutting her hair (it is her's BTW), but would have a hell of hard time if she wanted to drink beer, spit, cuss if Jeff Gordon wins a race (oh she does that already) well not all/really none of that!

All kidding aside I appreciate those that have been completely honest with their feelings in this thread. Both Gabe and KH laid it on the line with their post, and some might call them what they will, but honesty goes along way in this cowboy's view. She did not sign up for this as KH said, but she allows me some degrees of freedom with her boundaries firmly in place. I think as for style and grace we are both fairly androgynous people, in the middle to some extent, and pushing the opposite end of the gender spectrum as well. She is very comfortable in a t-shirt, blue jeans, and boots as I am in a skirt, blouse, and heels.

I don't mean to be hard on Patricia. I'm just disappointed in some of the responses I've seen on this thread. Though I myself have no interest in FtoM CDing myself, I would have expected those on here to be much more accepting of SOs who do.

And accepting that your wife wears slacks and no makeup is not equivalent to accepting a husband who CDs.

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Originally Posted by FluffyPersian

Mods, I really think this thread should be "stickied" either on this or the "loved ones" forum. Regardless of one's view on the issue, it provides perspective for those "negotiating" with their SOs about boundaries.

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I'd second that proposal :)

Sarah xxx

If i ever find a girlfriend my age i'd love it if she liked to dress male. I 'have a thing' for petite girly boys though so maybe thats why =/

Whatever happens, shes accepted you so you'll accept her, its the lesat you could do :)