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I was up front about my crossdressing with both my ex-wife and my current wife before we got married and in both cases the end result was not good even though they started out supportive.
Has anyone else been up front about their crossdressing prior to a entering serious committed relationship (like marriage), had their SO start out by being supportive and then change their mind and become un-supportive?
Just a guess but if started out being supportive and they changed their mind and become un-supportive? I would concentrate on what changed their mind.Something certainly turned it sour it seems.
I know this isn't what you're looking for, but you do know that relationships fail all the time. Marriages grow cold. People grow apart. What once seemed so attractive about a person can sometime become annoying after a while.
It's not that honesty didn't work for you, it's that your relationships simply didn't work for you, period. Had you lied about this aspect of your life, or tried to hide it, I'd bet the relationships would have still failed, albeit on other terms. In addition, you would have had the stress of trying to keep this aspect of your life a secret.
I've had relationships fail because of [whatever], only to find out later that [whatever] wasn't really the cause, but simply the girl I was dating was just plain tired of me and felt like she needed a "good excuse" for breaking up. Do you think perhaps that there were elements of you that your SO grew tired of, and that she pointed at your cding as the problem, when in fact the problem may have been completely unrelated, or perhaps a conglomeration of other problems together?
Regardless, I doubt your cding alone caused your relationships to crumble.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry that things didn't work out. Before hooking up with my wife, I suffered several breakups. I was usually the one to get dumped because of [whatever]. I'm glad those relationships all failed though. Had they not, I never would have hooked up with the woman I call my wife today. :)
I wish you better luck in the future. I hope you'll remain up front and honest in future relationships as well. If you do not, I can guarantee problems will eventually come of it. ;)
You are absolutely right. Something made them sour.Quote:
Originally Posted by Di
Maybe I pushed to hard the first time, I really never found out for sure.
The current situation is hindered by my wife knowing a friend of hers found out that I like to dress.
I'm sorry hope you can figure it out:hugs: but do not blame the honesty...trust me thats the number one issue when wifes find out. Kudos on trying to figure out the whys so you can go forward and grow in a relationship. Best Wishes:hugs:Quote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
Isn't there a saying:
Men marry a women hoping she will never change...
Women marry a man hoping he will change?
It sounds to me more like your relationships didn't work out for whatever reason, not that dressing was a significant problem in your relationships, or a significant part of the break-up. I don't doubt that your dressing was part of the excuse that your wives have used when divorcing you - but I would be surprised if the dressing is what made the relationships go sour.Quote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
Generally - a good marriage, or even just a good relationship will easily withstand something like dressing - but in a bad marriage dressing (or almost anything else) can easily be used as an excuse for dissolution.
In a completely unrelated matter, I would encourage you to seek counseling to work through not only the devastation that EVERY person goes through during the disillusion of a marriage - but perhaps even more importantly to see if you can get some sort of insight into why your previous marriages have ended badly - so that you can be aware of those patterns and avoid them the next time around.
:iagree: What Gabrielle said.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabrielle Hermosa
When unhappiness sets into a relationship, it is often difficult for all involved to know why. There is an iceberg there, and often we can only point to the tip visible above the waterline. Wearing women's clothes is a pretty visible piece - an easy target.
Sorry things didn't work out for you. Stick to your true self, though.
:hugs:
De, honey, I have to go with what the other girls have said. I am blessed with a spouse who is accepting and supportive, which doesn't mean we haven't had our issues with my being TG and that she wouldn't make it all go away if she could. There was one very serious previous relationship that "failed" after I came out, but we had other problems as well. (She was a bitch. Just my point of view.<lol>) What I have noticed about failed relationships that other t-girl friends of mine have been in is that the relationship was somewhat "strained", to put it mildly, beforehand and coming out was the proverbial straw.
De, I do feel for you and wish you the best. Honesty really is the best policy, though I am sure there are some who may disagree. Good luck, girl.
Hugs...Joni Mari
I think many women who claim to be supportive at first, are initially stunned by what they have been told, and don't fully comprehend the whole idea. Then when they get to thinking about it, they want no part of it.
Also, when women are already in a relationship, and find out, they may go along with it for a while, to avoid a confrontation, while they make their plans to leave. It may take them a while to find another place to live. Or some women can't stand to be alone, and won't leave you until they have some other guy waiting in the wings.
It would be nice if we all actually answered the question that was askedQuote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
I do not know your particular circumstance`s so it would be a bit unfair for me to comment on them , but where i could see a problem happening is if like so many (including me) you started off by saying something like " i only like to wear skirts occasionally" which i can imagine that a lot of GGs would except ,
then when the CDers confidence grows and they feel like they have full acceptance suddenly comes out with " hey i want to dress up fully and go out as a female" which is a lot different than just wearing a skirt, so to be fair it would be no surprise that their level of acceptance would change.
It would be interesting if you could get some sort of information from your wife that might help us to understand her side of things .
AS far as i can remember my, wife sort of tried to except that i liked to wear skirts so it sort of went OK for a while, then i think that other people got at her and she became non excepting which almost ended are marriage ( i became moody) because i was finding it difficult to cope with the change in attitude once i thought i had the acceptance.
Then i guess that she thought more of me than what other people thought about us and had a change of mind.
So it is a some what supportive to a non supportive and then to a very supportive
I was up front, and told her before we married. She would buy things for me and comment on my outfits. My son came along, and I agreed to keep it away from him (and in doing so also from her).Quote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
Now that my son was older, I had put a lock on my office and used that to dress in. Well one day the door was not locked and my 14 year old son walked in on me while I was dressed. Needless to say, the combination of not dressing in front of my wife and my son finding out, made my wife angry.
She has not gotten to the point where she doesn't care what I do, as long as I don't dress in front of her, or tell her bother and wife about Tracy.
I wish she was more supportive. I don't need to have her come shopping with me or help me dress. I just wish I could be dressed in front of her so I wouldn't have to sneak around the house.
-Tracy
True true.. were there any other reasons u think that could of had a part to play..?
I let my wife know about my CDing within a year after we married (24 yrs ago). She took it pretty good at the time, even went so far as to buy me a couple of items of lingerie.Quote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
For some reason, a few months later, she decided it wasn't something she wanted to be involved in. She has never told me why and is pretty much disgusted by the whole CDing thing to this day.
I am a mild CDer. Lingerie is my thing and I never dressed in front of her or had a problem with Pink Fog, so I have no idea why the reversal. Or, maybe it wasn't a reversal. She probably only pretended to be OK with it and finally decided she wasn't going to live a lie.
From what I have read, this is fairly common.
Take care.
I told my late wife about my CD activities when I asked her to marry me. She not only accepted me "as is," but fully supported me for the 49+ years we were married. When we both knew she had terminal cancer, she told me that she was sorry she would not be around to do Stephanie's makeup and fix her wig! I do realize that I was one of the luckiest "girls" around, to have a loyal wife like that!! It has been 4 years since she left me, and I still miss her very deeply!!:sad:
Thank you for all your posts.
I am sure there is always more to the story, and my situation is no exception.
I am glad that I was honest in both cases because that's who I am and what I want to be.
I am still married and I am not in fear of having my marriage end by any means, but the experience of sharing my dressing with my wife has been eliminated.
I am patiently waiting until she brings up the subject again to open up this topic with her. I suppose I will try to get back to sharing how I feel about this when I feel she would be relaxed and willing to listen.
I have read many times on this site that acceptance takes allot of conversation about this topic with your SO and I have to admit I have not been the one to start those conversations because of my past.
It sounds like I am not the only one that has had a SO change their mind on this subject. As much as I wish things were different I do understand why anyone might try to be supportive and realize it is not what they want to do.
Having this site and all of you to communicate with as well as being able to read about everyone else's experiences has helped me tremendously.
thanks again
Sounds very similar to my situation.
I told my then-fiancee about my crossdressing.
She was freaked out but basically supportive.
Now, 25 years later, I'm back in the closet.
It's a source of great distress.
I want to share my crossdressing with my wife but
work, life, and kids seem to get in the way.
I keep thinking I'll find the courage to be honest.
Please know that you are not alone with your struggles.
At the risk of being flamed, let me put it this way. Put yourself in the other persons place. Would you be attracted to a woman who dressed like a man? Would you stay with a woman who got a mans haircut, and let her leg and underarm hair grow out, and wore mens cloths?
This is a great explanation of why it is hard for women to accept husbands who are crossdressers. They didn't really have a choice to be involved to that level or not. It's been thrown at them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Melinda G
This is a great reason why it's ultra-important to tell a would-be spouse before the person becomes a spouse. Then it's their choice.
From my chair, I recognize that people change. But, divorcing someone over something you knew about them before you married them is insane.
sorry to hear that things did not work out, but I think that you were right to go for honesty from the beginning. I wish that I had.
I told my ex and my current wife well before we married. At first my ex was ok but turned on me big time.
My lovely wife of almost 16 years was also told well before and she took a much different tact. She jumped in and did a lot of research and discovered that she could live with it.
Now 16 years later, she could not conceive of being with a hubby who did not dress. Thinks being married to a non-cd would be boring! And who else could she borrow a black eyeliner from when she runs out!
God I love her! :hugs:
In an odd way yes. I had a similar situation. My wife first found out about my interests way back in 1988 after reading notes I wrote and just dismissed it as a phase. Being honest (through discovery) let everything out in the open but it lead to nowhere. Probably because I felt too much guilt and shame from the embarrassment shock of being discovered and that caused me to retreat instead of surge ahead. Two years ago I told my mom, thinking that would help me to get out more and she was supportive at first but then she got very upset about it.
Well, no, not exactly...
Since I'm pretty much the same person no matter what I'm wearing, it's hard to say I've ever told an SO about anything after the fact. I'm pretty much up front with the facts, whatever they are, all the time.
I read a lot of these posts and wonder what to tell people about their "non-accepting, or, non-supporting" wife. Look, you picked these people... Work something out or move on. Yes, I know it's easy to say, but, I honestly think that by being very consistently myself all the time, I can work out a much better arrangement with the people I'm working with... And, I do.
My SOs have had complaints, bad days, and fears and concerns.
I listen to what they say and we talk about it.
Worried about getting "caught"?
"It's my house. It's not illegal. It's a public road. How could I get caught - there's no tiger trap under the carpet..."
Or, it's the old, "I'm worried you might be gay."
"Well, if I am, I'd let you know. You think I'd know a thing like that and not tell you that instead of this? Telling you I was gay - maybe I wouldn't have to answer any more questions..."
That's all well and good, by the way, but out and about, it works the other way.
"Does you wife know you do this?"
"Sure, she's my wife, dope. And, by the way, she wears women's clothes too. I don't bother her about it."
"Aren't all you guys weird?"
"Define weird. You mean like we all get drunk on Fridays and go down to the river and dynamite fish?"
I'm just saying...
I did have an SO, since passed away, who paid too little attention, early on, to some of what I said and did and I had to spell things out for her very plainly. But, like other SOs, her response, after she realized that she must not have been paying attention, was to up the ante and insist I do things correctly and starting making sure I made proper lists of things to do and places to go. "Don't be one of those sloppy guy guys - do everything right! Like a woman who gave a damn would!"
Which reminds me....
Years ago, at a CD support group I'd been asked to attend, I got a round of applause because I mentioned that my wife had helped pick out my clothes for the evening (they WERE my clothes) AND insisted I take her long dress coat because it was a cold night.
I got a huge round of applause for saying that - which I thought was sad because she was just being a good wife when it came to the cold - but all they heard was that she was a supporting wife, "helping a crossdresser."
Help yourself, people.
It works for me and I've been at this, with SOs, for over thirty years. Trust me, if you get good with yourself, and do the day to day work in your relationships, life will be just fine.
I was one of the SO's who started out supportive with my Ex and turned unsupportive .................... why because he was as he was .............. it takes two to make a relationship work and I got tired of being the one doing all the work ................. got tired of all the lies and secrecy surrounding the CDing................ got tired of goal posts being movedQuote:
Originally Posted by DeSkirt
Now with out Debs I could not be a happier bunny ................ tonight 5 changes of outfits .......... 56 pics later and 5 days of being with her have resulted in her having a huge extra bag to take home with her on Sat for the things WE that's WE have bought for her .................... but the 5 days have not all been about Debs, We as a couple have spent most of each day as Mr Debs & Sheila and most of each evening as Debs and Sheila. We have visited friends, spent time with my sister and son, are visiting more friends tommorow but this time it will be as Debs and Sheila. Sheila has also had things bought for her, and we also bought identical items for us to wear tog ........... We make this fun, but we also remember that the WE includes Mr Debs and Sheila as well as Debs and Sheila ............ if I turn unsupportive of Mr Debs it will not be through lies, secrecy or selfishness on mr Debs part ......... so I guess I am here to stay :)
You won't get any flames from me. I have tried to do as you say and have come to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't be as supportive as I should. I think it's the hairy legs and underarms that would be my biggest issue. :-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Melinda G
With that being said, I would attempt to be understanding and supportive. Who knows, I might even surprise myself and be more accepting than I think.
Take care.
>>> Originally Posted by Melinda G View Post
At the risk of being flamed, let me put it this way. Put yourself in the other persons place. Would you be attracted to a woman who dressed like a man? Would you stay with a woman who got a mans haircut, and let her leg and underarm hair grow out, and wore mens cloths?
Been there, did that - all to the good.
If they're OK with it, and I like them and we enjoy our time together...
Sure, I'm good with that.
[QUOTE]At the risk of being flamed, let me put it this way. Put yourself in the other persons place. Would you be attracted to a woman who dressed like a man? Would you stay with a woman who got a mans haircut, and let her leg and underarm hair grow out, and wore mens cloths?
/QUOTE]
I could absolutely understand why someone might not be interested in a person wanting to dress as the opposite sex.
I totally understand your point.
The part that confuses me is why would you enter into a relationship where you were told up front about this behavior and had several months of experiencing it first hand if you did not want to be involved with it?
My opinion is sometimes the SO doesn't really know how they feel about until they get a chance to live with it for a while, and sometimes they change their mind sort of like the cd'er doesn't always know how far and to what extent they are interested in pursuing their cross dressing.
Everyone is just trying to cope with the situation as best as they can.
Maybe they hope the other person will change. Who knows!
Yes Deskirt , I was upfront with my wife long before marriage. She started out understanding but I cut all communications about the subject once she rejected my dressing.. I was in denial from that point try as I may the urges always appeared again and again..
I was always a mild dresser never to go beyond underdressing while with her for years ( 20) without her seeing but she knew because she knew me and scensed the relief of satisfying my urges.
Owell can't please em all I am who I am..