Communicate... With purpose.
>>>I defended the cross dressing Mayor on the show( forgot his name) she asked me "do you want a dress John?" (wanted to say yes) but then she went on to tell me she believed that all cross dressers were doing what they do out of pure fetish. I reacted by saying that women do it all the time what's the beef? I got shot down, burning in flames... I thought to myself, if she only knew that she is so narrow minded and it will ruin us someday,,,someday soon
Well, yes, target offered, target acquired, target taken out...
You defended the mayor? How? What did you say? W-h-y? Where you going somewhere with that effort? Somewhere useful?
She offered her belief? It's a belief, an opinion, a point of view...
Sooooo?
You could have said, "Oh, so, you think some or all of it is a fetish, eh? I think there's a lot of truth to that. I mean, you didn't see anything on the show about collecting, oh, orchids, right? Yeah, could be a lot to that clothing fetish thing. I'm sure some guys are into that aspect of it. Guys are guys, right? Bound to be some guys who get more excited about the clothes on the girl than the girl herself. Why, I bet Victoria's Secret banks 10% of their profit on that kind of thing alone."
(And, of course, when it comes to clothing fetishes, your wife is probably factually correct to some extent... "Some," but not "all.")
But, instead you said, "women to do it all the time so where's the beef?"
Ouch. I can hear the gun sight on the 20mm being cranked right around at you... Too late to run, duck!
Actually, most women - from birth - more or less just wear what they're assigned to wear, just as most men do. Most women don't seem to attach a lot of thought to that fact, but work with what they are given. Not many are "true" beauties, but they offer what they have plus their time, love, and support to their partners.
Double ouch. Biting the hand that's sworn to love you...
I think the beef is with you. If you have something to say, just say it. Why blame her for being narrow-minded when you'd rather fight dishonestly than discuss openly?
Pick your battles and expect to win some, loose some - as you play to win for both of you. And, make up your mind to be honest about what you think and how you feel. Feelings. Remember that... Anyone can argue facts, but very few can argue with, "feelings."
Honest feelings...
And, remember, if you can't say it in a normal tone of voice, it won't be heard that way either.
Seems like a good time to go back to her and say:
"You know that conversation we were having about the crossdressors? (Pause) Yeah, right. Uh, look, I was wrong to get mad. No, really, I apologize. Your point of view and your opinions are as important as anyone's, maybe more important, and I need to listen to what you say and respect your right to an opinion more... Oh, sure, you're welcome. Now, the thing is..."
By the way, if she calls you on something like the dress thing, she's calling you out "as a man." Caving at that moment cuts both ways - a woman usually wants a man strong enough to take a stand - and, in any case, it's hard to get the ground back later. If she asks a question like that again, at least offer an opinion that you, "Might." If she get's a solid, "No" out of you, and that's not the way you felt/feel you just made your life and hers harder if you actually felt/feel like saying, "Yes."
Just do it.
Anything is better than a bitter life.
A Hard and Dangerous road
Jenna: Blessings on you, lass. You've a very rough road ahead.
Ultimately, knowing what you know, you alone must decide if your life lived walking that road is worth it or not. There's no easy answer.
Evidently, as you seem to be saying, your wife is set in her options and beliefs holding them in an unshakable way. Evidently too, you fear losing her.
You are not in a good place. The double bind exists in your every waking moment. You can attempt to deny your nature at a very high price. You can stand your ground and demand acceptance, (with understanding which would be better than acceptance alone, surely.) The choice is yours.
Put another way, you can accept (again with understanding bettering the situation) her JUST AS SHE IS. Or, you can work,plan, hope, and try to change her (a virtual impossibility since a person can change themselves, no one else can do it for or to them) by gaining her acceptance (with understanding of course) with the possibility (maybe even probability) of failure. In this case, (working, hoping, and praying for eventual acceptance) you can choose to walk the road laid out before you with all the boulders, cactus, and pot holes you face gracefully just simply making the best of your situation focusing on the POSITIVE things in your marriage and accepting the not so good parts of it as part of the price you have to pay for the positives.
As you walk, step by step, you face decisions ... endless seeming decisions... Only you can make the choices you face. Only you can decide if the rewards of keeping on the road you face are worth what you have to endure.
We, the folk on this board, can tell you of our experiences, thoughts, hopes, wishes, desires, goals, and such, but ultimately the decision: "Is it worth it?" has to be ONLY YOURS. Jaye
Better is still better, if not best.
I have to agree with SometimesMisss that you really should make efforts, even small efforts, to talk with your wife about this topic of interest to you. Just do it, and do it in steps bigger than you seem to be willing to make - so long as you are stifled with your worries about, "all you've worked for."
Forget the "stuff." Stuff is just stuff.
Time, you and she will never get any more of...
Do not live your life in bitterness and resentful silence... Or, have her live hers that way by your omissions.
Let the chips fall where they may in hopes that both of you will eventually live better lives.
Better, not bitter, lives.
Understand that I am not giving advice in my post, I am sharing hard-learned experience of how people expect to be treated in relationships - especially their very own and very special personal marriage relationship.
Your interest in crossdressing is not a hobby as you currently conduct your life. It has very little healthy recreational value and is a destructive presence in your life so long as it is a "secret" that could destroy your marriage and, "all you've worked for." Even you are aware of that or you'd not be arguing with your wife with your personal agenda hidden from her.
There are many who will contend that you and your wife do not have a "real" marriage and what may end your unreal marriage is her being able to say, "I don't know who you are at all!" AFTER this comes to light someday or night without your having done anything to hint or prepare her for this - other than snipe at her opinions and beliefs from your concealed position.
My friend, this is not a personal attack and my words are not directed exclusively at you. In the past twenty years I have been very concerned that the problem with most crossdressers I've met is that they continue to live their lives in fear and loathing long after they are adults.
You're a crossdresser - not an ax murderer. As an adult, you are certainly entitled to your hobbies and past-times. But, you're not entitled to things that consume time and resources secretly from your marriage. Find a way to get used to discussing issues honestly and laying out how you think people should be able to live and how you, like anyone, should be able to do the same.
Thank you for your post. Thank you for considering my experience. And, best of luck to you and the people you love.
PS
My SO listened as I proofread this aloud and wanted me - sat and "helped" me - to correct all the spelling before I pushed "send." She knows I'd spell check it anyway, but I let her direct me because it pleases her to be helpful. And, yeah, I might have forgotten to check and I would have had to go back to edit things. So, OK.
But, she's an example of what can happen if you do things right. She considered my crossdressing concerns, when I brought them up, and decided, "The relationship is worth it." And, she's never said anything about how I look crossdressed, other than to suggest different shoes, or, a different belt. She does look on in amazement, sometimes, as I select earrings, or, just play at getting the look I had in mind by trading parts of outfits around. (As if "men" couldn't figure some things out...)
She is the fourth SO I have lived and worked with as a crossdresser in my life. (Being older, I have been around the track more times...) Crossdressing has never been a major negative in any of these long-term relationships. I, on the other hand, have been a problem as they resented me not just talking to them about things I felt like I wanted, or, needed to do.
You and your wife, like many, may not be able to work with this facet of yours happily. But, it can be done. If not in your current relationship, then in another. In the long run, there is no harm in trying, and trying again. There is, however, great harm in doing too little, or, doing nothing. If you both do your best, then you can both wind up happier somehow.
If you want to put this in marriage terms - which you might - these issues and concerns do perhaps fall under the, "for better or for worse and in sickness and in health" clauses. Is this better or worse to bring out? And, is this a healthy thing to conceal, healthier to reveal, or.. What...? You two owe it to each other under the marraige contract to at least discuss this and try to work something out. It's about both of you, not you OR her so long as you live together in a marriage, any marriage.
Why does, "No pain, no gain" only apply to sports? It doesn't. It can apply to many things. Although, "Less pain, more gain" seems to work even better over the long haul.
I'd rather, for example, have my SO correct my spelling in my post, than have her wonder, "What the heck is he doing in there on the computer for so long?" - while I feel like I have to hide every breath I take from her...
I've lived both ways, my friend, and this is better.
