Friends outing you

This has probably being posted before but how many of you have trusted the wrong person which has resulted in you being outed.?

I know i have a few times first in high school i told a girl who then spread it round school.

Then in college it somehow got respread round again.

Then one of my best male mates told me a secret and so i thought i can trust him so i told him.

a few months later this girl who already knew said oh so and so told me that you like going to the gym with him wearing tights.

Who else has been betrayed in this way?

I guess that these were not friends after all...

I have not been betrayed because I have not trusted this to anybody. This is a too serious issue to me.

Now, I'd wonder, why have you shared this at least three times with the wrong people? Why do you have the need to share with people that is not that trustworthy?

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Originally Posted by PetiteDuality

I guess that these were not friends after all...

I have not been betrayed because I have not trusted this to anybody. This is a too serious issue to me.

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I share your thoughts. I have never told anyone, and I know that no one even suspects. I will never trust the information to anyone. Friends, relatives....people I work with just wouldn't understand at all. And even if some WERE sympathetic - even approving - there would be a far greater number who simply wouldn't be. At my CD level, it isn't necessary, anyway - since I don't want to go anywhere Dressed. I'm happy with my life as it is now. No one else needs to know.

So far, no one has betrayed my trust. I'm sure it's going to happen one day, sooner or later. There is nothing we can do about the whole situation, but hope that we tell it to the right people.

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Originally Posted by PetiteDuality

I have not been betrayed because I have not trusted this to anybody. This is a too serious issue to me.

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That's how it was for me too. I promised myself I'd never tell another living sole - ever! Ok, I'm glad I didn't exactly do that otherwise I'd have never met my wife but my point is if you want to share secrets, be careful what you share and with whom.

"The only way to keep a secret is to not tell anybody your secret."

Once you tell someone, anyone, you can safely assume your now non-secret will make the rounds eventually. But, you know what? It's probably all for the best - you get to find out who your friends really are/aren't and life goes on.

Betrayal?

Nah. It's a mistaken idea to think that anyone can keep a secret. Once you tell anyone, it's not yours any more. In one way or another, it's out and that's all there is to it.

There are many ways, by the way, to communicate a "secret" like this. Your comments on the news of the day, a bit of nail polish in the wrong place, looking too long at her clothes instead of her, having things around that can be found, living your life as you live your life and having people around to take note...

Without my saying anything to anyone, things have been said and repeated and when it comes back to me I usually say, "So, what? Nobody's perfect. What else you got? Hurry up, I gotta wash the car and then get over to the movies."

Try not to get your feelings hurt about people passing on what they know or think they know. You did it - they will too.

Just get used to that fact of life and move on confident in knowing that things will now take care of themselves.

Life goes on.

[SIZE=4]I was once that way(would not tell a soul even to save my life), but then I told my wife. She was completely understanding, and kept my secret as long as I did. However my CD level progressed and kept doing so. I still have not gone out dressed, but I want to at some point. I have a lot of family that live within walking distance of my home. So naturally they are here a lot of the time. So things started impinging on my dressing time. The more this happened the more I thought to myself "what is the worst that can happen?" The more I thought about this the more I realized that there is really not much that anyone can do to me, but disagree with my choices in life. So finally one day a couple of weeks ago; I just came out to everyone that mattered to me. I am sure things have been said about me behind my back, but I really do not care. I just want to be me. If people cannot handle this then I really do not need them in my life. If they are that closed minded then they are not my kind of people anyhow. We really do put too much emphasis on our CD'ing not being acceptable. If we cannot accept ourselves then how can we expect others to accept us. I have been betrayed in the past on other things, and yes it hurt. So don't tell anyone if you don't want to be betrayed. I wanted freedom so I told everyone. I guess what I am trying to say is if we want acceptance then we have to accept ourselves first. On the other hand if we want to stay hidden then we should not tell a single soul for the only person you can really trust is yourself. At the end of the day the only person you have to be pleased with is yourself. I have noticed some things since I came out. 1. I no longer feel guilty about my dressing. 2. My stress levels are way,way down for I have nothing to hide anymore. 3. I now can dress whenever I want and don't have to be worried about anyone finding out. So for me this was and is the best course of action even in rural Ohio. I am still waiting for some sort of backlash I guess, but that would only be natural. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=4]Always Bethany[/SIZE]

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Originally Posted by lee in a skirt

This has probably being posted before but how many of you have trusted the wrong person which has resulted in you being outed.?

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[SIZE="2"]Hi Lee! Welcome to the site…

Yes, I trusted the wrong person, and I haven’t trusted many others since. I had a girlfriend, as close to a SO as I’ll ever get, and I told her about my transvestism. She immediately said “It’s OK,” but she didn’t want to know anything more about it. After that I would bring up the subject often, because I really wanted to talk to my best friend (this woman) about it. She always seemed amused but uncomfortable. I must say my girlfriend didn’t dress up much herself – early in our relationship she wore a lot of very feminine clothes, which in many ways constituted crossdressing for her (my theory). When she stopped making the effort to dress up a bit, she left her clothes at my house, and I started dressing up myself. When I told her I tried on her clothes, she said “I thought you might,” but the whole thing really didn’t interest her…
So, we gradually drifted apart over several years. There were many factors at work, and it’s a long story, but my crossdressing was definitely a negative to her. Later, we broke up abruptly, and in her anger she outed me to several people that we knew. This caused a lot of confusion and heartache, more (in my case) because we had broken up and not because my transvestism was revealed. I mean, I like the fact that I’m a transvestite – I’m happy with myself and I think it’s one of the most interesting things you can (and must) do. But, I feel that I lost some of the “magic” that I get when I dress up after this upsetting episode in my life. I’ve been trying to regain that magic ever since. We didn’t see each other for eight years, but my former girlfriend eventually apologized for outing me to everyone – she’s still uncomfortable with my “other side,” though… [/SIZE]

>> My take on this is entirely different from what's been said above. It's: If you want a story told accurately, tell it yourself.


Katie,

You're right, as far as y-o-u go...

Thing is, he told someone and she repeated the "what" and probably not the "how" or "why" that he shared with her.

I agree that it's best to tell your own story, but when you do expect to have to retell it and stand behind it when it comes back around.

And, of course, you may not get to/may not have to tell your story if they pick up something from you that gets them talking on their own.

Whatever the case, be prepared...

My best friend outs me all the time, to people I don't even know. All her workmates know all about me and my life, how far I am along with my hormones, etc. She does this because she is proud of me and how far I have come, and to educate them. I used to be a bit concerned about it, wondering what people would think, now I couldn't care less. Most people are not bothered in the least, and some of the women are extremely curious and want to know more. And I have found that the more people that know (and don't care), the more comfortable I feel.

I was outed by a good friend. When I confronted her about it, she just said she got caught up in the excitement. So I said, "The truth is I don't care who knows. The whole world can know I'm a cross dresser. But I would get through it because I have good people in my life that I trust. And you are no longer someone I trust."

Being outed is bound to happen. But trust betrayed is unforgivable.

Kasha

Ive only told, excluding my mother, my best GG friend, i know she wouldnt never betray me. and the other person i have told is a gay friend who would be a bit hypocrytical to backstab, also he is a good friend so i know its all good.

other then that i dont tell anyone and will keep it that way. at times though i get the urge but know its wise not to tell anyone, and i dont think its life changing to have to like for example something who is gay coming out of the closet. its not nessary for me to tell anyone in the end so.

I think that if it doesn't affect anybody why tell them .in my case it was illegal in the 50s and60s and you would have been committed to hospital then or been subject to ridicule and taunted,
I kept the secret to my self for 53 years ,now things are different and more except able ,so now I couldn't care less what people say or think,my only regret is why the acceptance by society didn't come 30/40 yrs ago
:hugs:
J-JAY

[SIZE="2"]30 years ago when married to my first wife, I told her about my CDing. She seemed to be supportive for about a year. We were about the same size, she helped me dress, & Polaroids were taken. I lost all memory of the pictures as time progressed. We were divorced 4 years later. She outed me to several of her friends, her parents, my parents, and who else, who knows. I just told everyone who asked me about it, that she was lying. Most people believed me, as she had a bad habit of lying. Three years later and two years into my second marriage with my current wonderful wife. The ex placed a personal ad in the local paper, with one of the pictures taken years earlier, on my birthday, with a heading stating who was in the picture and to wish her a happy birthday. . .I was devastated. My wife was furious with my ex, and not with me at least. (I had told here before we were married about my CDing.) I did not realize how many people knew me. I was confronted more than I care to remember, including the general manager of my place of employment. No one said anything, derogatory or positive to my face. My cover story was not very imaginative. I said it was a getup for a Halloween party years ago. I retrieved the picture from the paper before she could and destoyed it. Then two years later she repeated the same stunt with a different picture with a different outfit. I again retrieved the the picture and destoyed it. The first time I confronted her and kept my cool, letting her know how I felt. The second time I all but threatened her safety. I know that was unwise, but she has not repeated the stunt since. [/SIZE]

People of course love to talk about us being TG but that is why I don't make any effort to keep things secret. I don't start conversations with it but then if asked, I will tell.

You should treat this as something private but not shameful.

As far as kids in high school keeping secrets, well, that ain't gonna happen.

To the best of my knowledge, my friends that I shared this with had never told anyone. This changed when we told two of our female friends who both happened to be married. Each told their husbands but both are SUPER awesome about it, even offering their advice to me and keeping on top of my blog and pictures :)

Like others have said, once you tell someone your secret, in my case being a transsexual, taking hormones etc you have outed yourself to everyone. You can't expect them to keep that kind of a secret, it's human nature, it will be spilled by accident.

Like Anna, I have a neighborwhose name is Julie, she has become a confidant and good friend to me. The neigbors are curious about the man dressing as a woman in pink clothes, wearing jewelry and makeup. They ask Julie about me and she is proud to tell them about the wonderful new woman in town and how nice I am. I can say it is wonderful to have a beautiful advocate on my side. Again, as I have stated in other post's, whether you are TS or CD if you accept yourself first, others will sense that acceptance and will accept you as well. Be ready to be you, when people ask you, about you. Kim :battingeyelashes:

I've never told anyone but my ex found out on my computer. Dumped me and so far has told no one, that I know of! I hope she won't tell but I can't really do much about it. It's a problem but......I don't know somehow she found some pics and......aaaarrrggg.....so far she has kept it to herself......i don't know
sherry

Well, I think it's a function of how much you care whether people know. 20 years ago I had these feelings and thought I was gay, experimenting with a few relationships that didn't last. My friends all knew because I talked to them about it. Fast-forward 20 years, where now I have a family and a solid career, and I've never had a bad experience for them knowing. If they've talked about it, I haven't seen that manifest itself in a bad way. Now, I find myself confronting the reality of my situation is that feminine does not equal gay, and I've started to talk to my friends about my TG journey. I need my friends. So I tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. So far, no problem, and none expected. I count myself lucky to have such good friends.

If there are those who would out me maliciously, I'm not sure they'd find a credible audience to listen to them. If someone put an ad in the paper or worse today, a Facebook post, I'm not sure there'd be a major problem...I'm not required to respond or admit anything to anyone I don't know, and I doubt my company would care...too many LGBs already working there anyway...not sure about any CDs :), but I'm pretty sure they're more interested in how much money I earn for them, not what I do in my spare time. I'm not in a small town or religious or anything where you have those problems to deal with.

Marissa Anne

Funny you should mention this. Today a gay coworker let it slip that I'm bisexual. He didn't mean to out me; I guess he thought everybody already knew. Dang it. The lady he told got really nervous and scurried away speechless. It was kind of funny. Yeah, I know I'm about to find out who my real friends are, but maybe it's for the best. I hope.

We shouldn't have to live in fear. If we all went just a little bit (not too much) out of our comfort zones to educate people and get them used to us, it could make a big positive difference in the long run. Everyone, please consider it.

To my now b/f. It was ok with me. He's a great guy, theats me well, and looks out for me.



Anne66
We don't ALL live in fear. There are plenty of us out there living and loving our lives.

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Originally Posted by kellycan27

Anne66
We don't ALL live in fear. There are plenty of us out there living and loving our lives.

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I know, Kelly. You and some other people are very bold and charismatic. Good for you.

Not all of us have that gift/talent. Heck, look how many people are even afraid to tell their own spouses they crossdress; or if they do they're treated like freaks. That comment wasn't really directed at you.

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Originally Posted by Anna the Dub

My best friend outs me all the time, to people I don't even know.

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Hehehehe... My bestfriend does that too. His 90 year old gran is one of my biggest supporters and his whole factory workforce have seen my photos. I said to him once 'You're a bit proud of me aren't you...' and he replied 'yes'. Somehow it all seems natural to me now, but it did used to throw me at times when people I kind of really didn't know would say 'hello Lisa'.

The flip is... when I was younger I kind of got involved with this girl who thought we were going to get hitched. Knowing what I knew about myself I knew this wasn't an option and kind of broke things off. She went mental and really did spread the word about the fact that I was an utter git and I dressed. That one cost me... oooo... 15 years life as Lisa proper as I just went off the rails.

I'd break it off with her again, if I was in the same situation, though this time to those that giggled and made snide comments I'd just say... 'Yeah, so what?!'.

Lisa x

Betrayal sucks. I told my closest friend (at the time) and he understood that I had several good reasons to keep that confidential. I know full well the wisdom of Ben Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac quote: "three can keep a secret if two of them are dead". But, I trusted him. Time passed; I decided to share my story with another friend from my close circle. Imagine my surprise when he told me that Friend #1 had 'already' told him?!? When I did confront Friend #1, well, here in Texas, we have an old saying for situations like this; "the first liar doesn't stand a chance". I did not ever get the straight story but I did get some insight into so-called friends. I can not feel the same about them any more. Yes, betrayal sucks. :sad: Olivia

To those of you that have had horrible repercussions from being outed, my heart goes out to you. I hope it only makes you stronger in the end.

The only person that "officially" knows is my wife. A bunch of friends have seen me dressed on two different Halloweens, but they all thought it was just a costume and that was it.

If my friends have seen my flickr page, which I show my face and I'm fully dressed, then they know. But no one has said anything to me (yet). If they do, then I will come clean with them.

I was "out" to my late wife from before we were married until she passed away 4 years ago. But she was the only one I ever told, until this year when I told my daughter! She is "cool" with it as long as I don't get too "''girly" around her or the grandchildren, No skirts or dresses!!:sad:

The funny thind that my wife and I used to go our with close friends as two girls. I was my wife's cousin Stephanie! My wife did such a good job with my wig and my makeup that no one ever guessed that I wasn't really a GG! And these were people we had known for years!

If I had a so-called friend "out" me like has been told on here, that person definitely would no longer be considered a friend! With friends like that. who needs enemys?

So far I've never been outed that I know of ... at least, no one's ever asked me "How come you never told me you were a crossdresser?"
Still, one might heed the words of Benjamin Franklin: "Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

Remember.......once you tell someone your secret........its not a secret anymore.

Unfortunately the info is theirs to do with whatever they wish.

My friends have told people, then tell me who afterward so I know who knows. I have not had one negative experience, all the responces I get are so encouraging it makes my goal to be full time seem more real.

It seems like she felt she had something to use against you, wanted to hurt you. Funny how people who are wrong for us tend to work themselves out of our lives.

I have in the past, used my cd'ing secret to see if I could trust the person I told. If you don't want to come out, and the person you tell outs you, you can just deny that you ever told the person anything. I have been lucky in that the three people I've told did keep the secret. (as far as i'm aware of).
Addendum; I am close to the point where I don't care if this part of my life gets out. I'm getting tired of hiding it if you know what I mean

I wanted freedom so I told everyone. I guess what I am trying to say is if we want acceptance then we have to accept ourselves first. I have noticed some things since I came out. 1. I no longer feel guilty about my dressing. 2. My stress levels are way,way down for I have nothing to hide anymore. 3. I now can dress whenever I want and don't have to be worried about anyone finding out.

I first told my wife...it had its ups and downs.


Thanks to this wonderful medium the internet...we find out that we are not the only crossdresser in the world. At about age 56 or so I decided to tell my older brother. It went ok! I then decided...who gives a hoot. We are just people, most of us are very nice people, so I tell whoever I want to know.

I told lots of relatives. I told my nurse at work. We had fun with that for years, She had good taste. I can't hide, don't want to hide. If I was confronted in the paper I would stand and say YES!!

When I get my hair done, "buy a new wig", I usually tell the young woman that it is for me. Most GG are interested. I could go on and on!

Bottom line! TRY TO CULTIVATE THE ATTITUDE THAT YOU CAN'T BE EMBARASED!


[SIZE="3"]Ok, people know, but I don't flaunt it[/SIZE]

I was very much in the closet (though I was consitering inching out) when I met my current SO. THe only time I would go out was at Haoloween. Well,, we hooked up on Haloween as I was Sara Palin, and I did tell her that night that this was a CD, but I was not really out about it.
Well anyway, as we grew together she asked the "usual questions", I showed her the stuff in my closet, and she started letting me try on her old things.
Well, we were so comfortable with it all, it didn't occur to her that I could be "in" and she told everyone she knows. All her freinds, her kids ect. She actually brags about how pretty (she thinks) I am. Yes, I'm her "trophy wife" and she adds that "when she was done with sex, she thought about going "lez-box" (whater that means ;) )
So, in summery, Yes my SO outs me all the time, BUT she does it because she's proud, not to hurt me.

Eww. Sex with Sarah Palin mental image. Good Halloween choice!

Marissa Anne

I have never revealed my CDing to anyone, although my ex did figure it out recently on a visit. Things seemed okay for about a year or more, until the freindship went for a dive. Then - she was on the phone and actively assassinating my character - and spreading word about my private past-time. So far it seems that absolutely nothing has come of it - but the incident put the axe into the last bits of our friendship.

Probably just as well.

I've read some very good advice in this thread, and knowing that there's such an enormous resource and degree of support available is comforting. I didn't start this thread, but in reading everyone's response, I wish to add "Thank You" for myself.

Alannah

I have only trusted the wrong person once in my life and that was with my ex-wife. After 15 years of marriage she decided she did not want any part of my cd'ing anymore and we began to grow distant from each other. After 8 years of rejection I filed for divorce. During the divorce she outed me to my entire family and all of our friends. I was betrayed by the one person whom I thought I could trust with my most intimate secret. I was so wrong!

i have never trusted anyone with the whole truth , only parts and bits , cya has ben my my rule to live by

thank you everyone iv talked to my so about it and weve decided to just keep it between the two of us for now and see what the future brings.

My wife "discovered" my secret and I'm certain she hasn't told anyone. Mostly because she can't even talk to me about it! I've also shared my secret with a GG friend in another city. I guess the distance keeps it safer in my mind. BTW, my GG friend also told me her big secret as well. I really think that shows trust in our relationship as friends. Better than the wife it would seem.

I guess that is why I stay completely hidden and do not tell anyone. My wife knows but it is a don't ask don't tell.

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Originally Posted by lee in a skirt

This has probably being posted before but how many of you have trusted the wrong person which has resulted in you being outed.?

I know i have a few times first in high school i told a girl who then spread it round school.

Then in college it somehow got respread round again.

Then one of my best male mates told me a secret and so i thought i can trust him so i told him.

a few months later this girl who already knew said oh so and so told me that you like going to the gym with him wearing tights.

Who else has been betrayed in this way?

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Lee, I have to say, I think you're playing this all wrong. It sucks that you got outed and that it became an item for gossip, but if it has been a few times, maybe the lesson is to stop treating it like a dark secret and just let it be something people know about you. It sounds like they already do but your reaction of calling it betrayal is basically confirming that it is something you feel ashamed of.

Also, if you're already comfortable enough wearing tights to the gym, maybe he just thought you were open enough with doing so that it wasn't a secret. I mean surely there are other people at the gym when you go with him?

the older you get and the more out you become, the more you realize that most people just don't care---at worst they may think you a litte odd but so what and at best they may find you both attractive and interesting

This is why it is why coming out is so important. No more having to lie, no more wondering who you can trust (no one) no more feeling like what you are doing is bad, dirty, and shameful.

I haven't been betrayed by someone I told but I have had someone spread the word to the whole town just on a speculation. The speculation was right but absolutely one one knew prior to then.

Reading all these posts leaves me with just one question - if we want to keep the fact that we crossdress a secret because we fear the results of disclosure, why in heavens name do we tell anyone?

I ask this question with humility because I too have shared my secret with a few ill chosen gg's and afterwards I always wonder why. I guess the only answer that even comes close to making sense is that in our own way we continue to look for validation and how better than to get that from a person that we long to emulate. Even though I have no desire to "come out" I guess secretly there is nothing that would make me happier than being accepted by "the real thing".

Your thoughts?

My feeling is that a friend today may not be your friend tomorrow. And while a friend might be trusted to keep your secret, that trust would go out the window come the day you're not friends anymore.

So if this must be kept in the closet, make sure that closet has a lock, and you're the only one who has access to the only copy of the key.

To those who have come out to a friend or relative, whether or not it was your choice to do so, understand that some really do need to keep this under wraps for a variety of reasons.

It's tough with a spouse or lover because the issues of trust and disclosure are at play. But again, lovers come and go, and marriages don't necessarily last til death do you part. And then what I said above friends about applies here too.

Karen

Told this widow, from the church, when i was doing yard work. She said she would not tell. Later, she said she let it slip out! A leader gave a short message about the wrongs of cding.

I've told over 50 people at work and no one that I haven't told has come up to me and said, "Is it true you're a cross-dresser?"

It's bound to happen. It was funny last night I was out as Tracy with the LGBT group from work and there was somebody new there that I knew. And she looks right at me as says, "should I know you?" I said, "probably!" lol

It will probably be out at work after this Halloween though...

-Tracy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lee in a skirt

This has probably being posted before but how many of you have trusted the wrong person which has resulted in you being outed.?

I know i have a few times first in high school i told a girl who then spread it round school.

Then in college it somehow got respread round again.

Then one of my best male mates told me a secret and so i thought i can trust him so i told him.

a few months later this girl who already knew said oh so and so told me that you like going to the gym with him wearing tights.

Who else has been betrayed in this way?

---

Wow...I'm sorry, that really stinks :(

This is actually one of my biggest fears and the reason I can't even come clean to my SO. I always feel I can't trust anyone with my secret...such a lonely second life....sigh....

A rumor got spread around a bunch of people I know once a long time ago about me dressing. What really annoyed me was that no one asked me about it, they just all accepted it to be true. That is one of my main reason for not wanting anything to do with those people anymore. They would do that often, spread rumors. That was the first one about me (that I know of anyway). Eventually someone told me about it, they didn't ask if it was true though. I would have felt better about it if someone had just questioned it first.

I hadn't told any of them, my mom found my stash and some of it was my cousins, from there people started talking.