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AS many know,there is a book with part of the title 'he's not the man I married'. I have often wondered if indeed we have changed really that much after wedlock? Clearly, if crossdressing wasn't in evidence and then blossomed, that would be a visible change, but aren't we still the same inside- where it should really count?
yes we are the same basic person, but here is my take.
Us late blooming cders, have an explosion of our femme side balance.. Not unlike the normal mid life crises of mainstream guys: who buys cars, find Mistresses, climb mt everist.... etc. We express our changes via a femme side explosion. It not that we are different people, but being influenced my a radical inner awaking of expression.
Omg im normally not this philosophical, but the mood suits me.
ciao roberta
Nope and neither is she... We have both grown and matured and changed over the last 35 years.....
I was thinking the same thing. I'm only 27 and unmarried but I always thought the point of marriage was to do exactly this together?Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
Isn't that the point of the vows, for better or for worse, in richer or poorer?
Men marry hoping their wives will never change, women marry thinking they can change the man. Neither is true but a good marriage is one that both partners allow each to grow and change. We put up such false fronts hoping to "catch" the prize that we don't realize that the prize is like Cracker Jacks...inside
My wife is not the same person I married.
Things change. People change. Life sends some tough challenges and you are seldom the same after dealing with them. The question becomes what the process for dealing with change is.
Debs and I have grown and changed in the 10 months we have been together, at the core we will not have altered our base beliefs, nor would I expect us to at anytime in the future, what we have done and I hope will continue to do, is expand as people as our search for knowledge not just of each other, and the world we share, but our knowledge of the world in general, our experiences both good and bad of that world, and the people we encounter, in the years to come.
When we marry in 3 weeks, we view that as us saying to the world that we obviously love each other, but also, that we have beliefs and values that enable us to commit to a joint future tog :) .... if we didn't have those we would spend far too much time fighting to get the other to see the world from our own perspectives, rather than walking side by side exploring the future together as individuals within a committed relationship, we would hinder our growth as individuals, rather than enable each of us to expand to become the best person we can be ........... how sad would that be :sad:
I don't think I've changed - to any major extent anyway - throughout our marriage, and think my wife would agree. I think having this other side to me has made me a more caring husband, more sensitive to my wife as a woman, and her realization of this is one of the things that helped her come to accept it.
Hi ...
As you live . you change . some times you just dont see those changes . as you look back . yes well. over 62 years. i can say i have changed. & hopefully for the better .
Jos has seen many of those . after 36 years . the hardest one s are for the change of the male to become a woman ..& live as one . 11 years will prove that . did every thing change . no of cause not .
Has my love for Jos no ... or our kids . grown up now . with thier kids .that remains the same .
As we step out as women the details are going to be . oh dear ... thats a woman . what happened . to the male . as one of my friends talk to me . & yesterday said . why are you wearing the head gear . or scarves. so i showed him . no hair . he asked about wearing a wig . i told him no more . next ? would i go back to wearing male clothes . i told him I hated male clothes . so its a no .oh dont worry we have talked before & he knows me .
So what i am saying is we do change . even over the last 5 weeks concerning . my appreance . many have given me some neat comments .
I have grown as a person . & as a woman ...if you check my profile from 2 years ago then read my posts youll see some of those changes .. use my name on google.
The best change well one of is being able to live & express my self as to who i am . a woman .
...noeleena...
We have both grown and changed, She did not know that I was a crossdresser then, and there are thing that I know anout her now that I did not know then. Sure we have changed, But we have also grown closer over the years.
I think we all change, for the better I hope. As we change --mature-- we all see things differently. Life changing events, such as serious illness, make you appreciate life more. Each day is important, and hopefully we use the time we have for what is imoprtant to each of us. Now when I have leisure time it is spent infemme ----hopefully part of each day.:hugs:
Pretty much the exact words my wife said to me..."You are no longer the man that I fell in love with and married"....thus we have split and gone our seperate ways...she in TN and I now in Florida....
POST NOTE: The split lasted a total of 9 days....until the "honey come home, I miss you and still love you" call came....so I'm now back in TN. Oh Florida was soooooooooo nice....and I hated to come home...but that's where the wife is so that's where I am now. Compromising is all part of a relationship...
We've talked over a few of the issues one being the dressing...she says she's OK with it and it's not a problem with her....ah, we'll see where that goes...but two things might need to be done to see how it really is....one going out shopping with me enfemmed...and the other going out to a club with me as well....not that she has to, but it would be nice if she did....
I've been stuck on chapter 2 ever since I bought that book. Both me and my wife have made gradual changes for the better. In my case the changes have not been as susbstantial as wanting to transistion towards SRS. Just minor tweeks here and there.
After 39 years and a whole lot of bumps in the road, I can say that we've both changed, but for the better. Been through a lot and our love is stronger than ever.
I'm much more relaxed and less volatile but I don't attribute it to cding.
They say older and wiser.
I think that applies.
so many sincere posts. thanks. I do feel sad that my wife's disappointment in my strong transgendered inclination has not been a positive in our relationship. It is amazing how a couple can talk about virtually everything, but that 'elephant in the room' --the Helen side of me. I know it isn't a topic she is comfortable with-not really, despite what she might say at times indicating tolerance of transgendereds and crossdressers. It is embarassing to her and so I keep things under wrap. really strange in some ways. can really lead to loneliness.
YES I am the man that she married, I know this because I was their with her when we where married.
I know that we have changed, both of us. Some of us have shown change in our lives but just because someone changes does not change the fact that YES I am the man that she married. Even if I like to wear womens clothes. I am still her husband and she is still my wife. We have both changed as we grew in our lives together. Change is necessary to grow as a person. otherwise what would the point of living be. I love the fact that my wife has changed since we said our vows. She is now a mother of 4, career woman, and even more beautiful than the day we where married. Change is good:)
I can only hope that when I'm 30 years into a marriage, we both have grown to be better people....
Am I the same person she married?
Mmmmmmmmmm.
Yes and No.
Yes.... I was a crossdresser before I got married and I am still a crossdresser.
No.........As stated above by many we have grown and matured together.
Xx Vicky xX
It is human nature to change weather you are a man or a woman we do not stay the same
we evolve in many ways every day wa learn new things and hopefully improve ourselves as time passes
Am I the same person? yes and no...
I am the same person in many ways, yes. I know I also have changed in many others.
When it comes to this, my CD & TG feelings have always been there, I just never been able to muster the courage to do anything about it or tell anyone I know about them, including my wife. Always tried to supress them only for those feelings to explode at times and come back stronger than ever.
I know I've changed in that with maturity, I have come to accept the person I am. I guess I am just afraid my wife will continue to accept me if/when she finds out. :sad:
We all change over time. Our principals are usually the same, but the way we do things are different. We age, we mellow, and with any luck we correct our mistakes as we grow.
We married in our very early 20s. As we both approach 60, I don't think it's possible for us to say we are the same, and I doubt either of us expected to remain stagnant.
After a lot of hard work and some luck as well we certainly have grown together, understand each other like never before, and have worked out many of the issues that can hurt marriages. Recently we discovered Tina. She's much too recent of a discovery to understand how this will affect the relationship longterm, but so far it has been just like everything else that we do...we do it together.
We met we were 17..we are 55 ! The same personality,but could be, better persons.We grew up together,we learned from each other, we change each other for the best.The sparkle is still bright between us and we are often very silly as 2 young teenagers:)
I am happy to see the varied answers here ..well not happy about the sad ones ... but you know what I mean ... they could have all been just yes or no.
And to that end -- my answer. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Seeing as my wife knew about my crossdressing before then, and knew that it didn't make me less of a man, or any less the one that harm or evil has get past before it can get to her, I am still that man -- the man she married.
But then, the no, I'm not. Back then, and even on that night of of wedding, I was still a bit scared and shy inside. But her tender love and compassion, has helped both the man and the girl inside to grow and flower.
And that in turn, has not affected the 'yes' part. Or if it has, its only made it even more so.
Huggles
Toni-Lynn
PS -- oh, and one day soon, the many she married will be just like her! A Canadian! (what did you think I was going to say?)
This is my first post so please bear with me... I had this exact reaction when my husband told me. After giving me time and space I realized I also wasn't the same person HE married- we have BOTH grown and changed over the years-it's inevitable. Time and space to realize we are both different in MANY ways helped. I'm still working on accepting everything but it's gotten better since I realized this.
Only thought, we're we ever the bloke she married. I suspect the following day we were totally different?
neither of us is and not all for the better she has a chronic illness and I have become a little bitter and cd more than ever before.
And oh how I wish I had told her before...but alas didn't want to lose her. Now we are just roommates...lots of love but little passion. And a new empty nest.
b
I think you have to try and see the problem from her perspective. Her perception changes, not him, the image of him in her mind.
From that point of view, he's not the man she married.
I don't know what the book's all about (I can guess), but my point is that it's understandable when a woman reacts badly to her SO being a crossdresser, or gay or a gambler or a womanizer or a bum, if she didn't know about it before.
Basically, yes. I'm twenty-five pounds heavier now - I'm more upset about that than I am my dressing! We've both changed to some degree. My wife's read the aforementioned book, and since I'm not completely 24/7 consumed with CD'ing as seemed to be the case with the guy in the book, I don't think she considers it that big of a deal. Truth be known, she quite enjoys that we wear the same size shoes and she regularly wears a lot of them I bought for me!
I fully dress very rarely but underdress regularly, and I don't think it's caused any problems in our relationship. Take care all and God bless! :)
When I first told Jackie, a couple years before we married, I was a crossdresser. She was okay with that; otherwise, I wouldn't have married her. But, neither she or I could have possibly known how much I would change over the ensuing years. She loves me still. Completely. She accepts me for what/who I am. Would she prefer that I was not a crossdresser? I guess so, I'm really not sure anymore as her acceptance seems so real and genuine. I do know that being transgendered is what I am, she knows that too, as do our children. So, am I the person she married? In some ways I am, but then, I am not. I am much more comfortable with myself, as is she. I dress at home most of the time, back then, I didn't(of course, coming out to our children when they were adults changed that dynamic). I think of it as evolution. I have evolved as a human being in my own way. She has evolved too, especially as she has come to understand what it takes to make me feel complete, to feel like the person I am. Am I the person she married? No, I am not but she still loves me. That's all that matters to us...
O
Thank you for realizing this. It is a refreshing reply. A lot of time the reply is "it is all your fault"Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmama
Yes my wife and I are not the same people who married 16 years ago. We have both gained weight, I lost it all and I am back to my High School Days weight and she has not been so lucky. But that said I still love her so, I think that is what makes her so accepting of me, I am off kilter but I love her just exactly the same. Our love is not based on what the outside looks like or portrays but what is on the inside and how we treat each other.
Fat or Thin I love her, I would like to think Male or Female she loves me!
Feel free to tear this apart.
Yes, the CDing, that would be an obvious change if it was not known at the beginning of the marriage but I am totally with you when you say "aren't we still the same inside" .... yes we most definitely are. That's where it counts isn't it? The core values of the person inside. Does the person you're married to make you feel good about yourself? Does he/she make you happy? Can you imagine living your life without this person being part of it? IMHO these are the real questions, everything else can be worked out with lots of late night conversations over a bottle of wine (you know alcohol makes to say out loud what you're really thinking - right?) :)Quote:
Originally Posted by helenr