Serious Topic...Have you thought about dying?

Hi Girls,

Sorry that I haven't been on here much lately but my life has been in somewhat of a tailspin for a variety of reasons.

Let me begin by putting some of your possible fears at ease. I'm going to be ok. Don't worry. Things are looking much better now. :)

Ok, let's begin...

I had a bad night one night and told my wife "I wish I was dead". She obviously got very upset.

Now I don't want to kill myself. I couldn't do that for a variety of reasons. But I do think that some of us start to get on a destructive path where we doing things with the subconscious objective of slowly killing ourselves.

When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?

I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.

I know I have. I would not say that it has even or ever gotten close to the "serious" level but I would say that I have thought about death almost every day lately.

I think it is combination of some financial hurdles I'm having to face right now (daughter in college, getting married, etc) as well as coming to grips with the fact that I'm not 20 years old any more (44 at last count) and obviously the challeges that being transgendered present.

So what do you think? Am I sick for thinking about these things or is it just a natural part of life?

I'm looking forward to hearing from you...

Kisses,

Allie

Nothing has ever gotten me so down that I would think that I'd rather be dead.

I'd rather fight, whatever the fight may entail.

This is a difficult subject for me because I've thought about it many times. I will also watch this topic closely.

Allie, I wish you the best.

Monica.

I've accomplished everything I set out to do and was ready to leave this "party" 4 years ago. Problem is I had a near death experience and was told during that it wasn't time yet. I had more work to do and had to take care of my family. What that means has been revealed over these last four years. I'm still ready to go but my friends and family seem to keep me rooted for now. In any case, I'm under the opinion that death here is merely the beginning of another experience.:)

Considering death is a natural thing. One weighs possible "outs" and that is one out. Going beyond thinking about it and instituting it is another thing. You are "normal" in the fact that you thought about it then logically reconsidered based on what is right for you. Depression and fear are something most people go through. Face it, not many of us live out our lives the way it was planned ( I was supposed to be rich, good looking and famous...you see how that worked out). So don't feel all alone. Maybe here, more so than other sites, I think we all look at our selves introspectively and critically. That is why, I think, this site has more caring individuals than most.

44 huh? Lets put the stereotype machine on. Mid life. I do believe in that. That is when I decided after fighting with myself (you notice when you fight with yourself you lose no matter what?) that why should I care if people see me in a dress. Why should I kill myself and not get some fun and relaxation for myself? (I had not taken a "vacation" in 20 years where I did not fear what was happening in my absence.) I have you by a decade here. Take what I know now for what it is worth. This is a short ride. You should enjoy it as long as it lasts. They don't issue re-rides. Most of what you are feeling, is felt by almost everyone at sometime, don't let it ferment. Things are not going to turn out the way you planned. Don't be surprised when they don't. Take what you have and go on. Remain as positive as you can. Everyone has days that are gloomy but the next can be a lot better. Most important, talk to someone. Your best friend, your lover, your pastor and when all else fails someone who has read a book. Or your friends here. Who understands you better than someone who thinks like you?

So, one you are not strange, you are quite "normal". Two you have friends, even invisible ones who type funny. It is good you question things. Oh and never regret anything that makes you happy :hugs:

I think a lot of self-destructive urges, fantasies, or exhibited behaviors come from the fact that ego-consciousness is always calling out for its own destruction and rebirth into the 'selfless' Self. It's the end result of most large-scale conscious desire. Stress will agitate it, but it's always there. It's symbolic of change and big stages of development, that go on through life. It's people who take it too literally that actually do the physical act.

You will see people starting new lives after breaking points, and they're happier and generally live outside of themselves for the remainder.

You can see people here 'killing' their old selves and rebirthing, more than elsewhere. They (We) put 'gender masks' on it here, but the death/rebirth motif is a phenomenon that goes across the board regardless.

Only a brief thought like that has passed through my head once or twice in my life. Having had a close friend commit suicide some years ago, I found out how incredibly selfish such an act is. I always used to think, "Oh that poor person, driven to do such a thing!" But then I met my wife and foundout from her that she gets quite angry when she hears of someone doing it. I *had* to find out why - that seemed almost counterintuitive.

To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not. Being deeply engrossed in oneself makes a lot of things fall by the wayside, like rent, bills, taxes, insurance, not to mention the trauma it leaves family and friends in. It makes them suddenly the *most* important thing on the planet - everyone has to drop what they're doing and care for one another's griefs, and then on top of that, do all kinds of planning, book plane fares with no advance warning, take time off from their work, personal lives, and so on. I'm hardly even touching on the ripple effects of it. I think that alone would deter me from ever considering it even briefly.

I know this post must sound cold, but it's the stark reality of suicide. My wife told me about all this years ago, as she worked as a suicide prevention counselor. She worked in that capacity at a major TV network headquarters. Every freaking week someone calls and says, "If you don't put me on the air so I can say my message [any message you can imagine and then some], I'm going to kill myself!!!!" It requires all the networks to have a trained crisis counselor on staff 24/7, with extra staffing on the normal peaks for suicide attempts. I won't tell you all their tricks, but they almost never lose a suicidal person, and yet the messages from them never get broadcast either, or the airwaves would get slammed full of them.

Suicides peak during holidays, when people get really lonely, and self-centered. "Oh Whoa is ME! The World just doesn't understand ME!" Honestly these people don't understand the world around them. The vast majority of suicides occur here in the USA on Christmas Day. Instead of getting all selfish, the best way to combat that is to find some way of volunteering that day in the community. Find some where to go and help, like a church, synagogue, temple, mosque, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, *anywhere* that you can go and help. Get your focus off of yourself and onto helping others, and it will make a huge difference. You'll feel appreciated, and feel some sense of fulfillment that will help clear away the clouds. (Getting professional help is always the number one option, but is not always affordable, or accessible.)

Sorry for the long post, but we're heading towards the longer nights and holiday periods when suicides most occur.

Thank you so much for asking the question. I really needed to hear all that myself as well.

Hugs and best wishes over the holidays (really I mean it),
Ann

Sadly i too have those sort of thoughts:sad:.
And i get them very often at that, 2 - 3 times a week or there abouts.:eek::sad:

Allie,

As I always say, you can't worry about what may or may not happen. In my opinion, the future is just the past that hasn't happen yet.

The financial hurdles will work out. I just went through a little financial hurdle myself,I was concerned of course but it worked out because I had a great week at work.(I work in a tipping position at a hotel)Plus this Sunday,I 'm helping my friend's father close and cover his pool and he offered to pay me well.

The age matter,I'm 44 myself(Will be 45 in January) and I don't feel a day over 30. Not to sound like I'm bragging,but I've be told I look at least 10 years younger. Looking at your pictures,you look alot younger also.Plus you have a loving wife and a daughter. I have a loving wife but we couldn't have children(its a long story,won't bore you with the details) but looking back,it would've been nice to have a son and a daughter myself. Age is just another number. We may not be 20 years old anymore,but we are not old either.

Things always seem to have a way to work out.


One more thing,a piece of friendly advice. I know you said you wouldn't ever consider suicide,but if that feeling does start to come over you,PLEASE talk to someone right away. A counselor,Preist,Minster,Rabbi or a loved one. Take it from me, I've lost a 2 family members and a friend who committed suicide and it puts the loved ones who are left behind through alot of emotional stress and emptiness.

Allie,you take care and as I said,things will work out in the long run. If you need someone to talk to,we are all here for you and feel free to PM if you want to. Good luck and lets us know how things turn out.


HUGGS

Felicity:hugs:

Suicide is the easy way out.I have come to realize that nothing is that bad or grevious that taking the easy way out will accomplish anything.No matter who you are or what you have gone through or are going through there is someone out there that is in much worse shape that yourself."I was sad because because I had no shoes.Then I met a man that had no feet".Not sure who said that but whoever it was they make a good point.Dont you agree?

When you become DEAD you can not later become UNDEAD....
Just stop and think of what your family and freinds would think. How would you feel if one of yor freinds thought the way you are thinking.
Death is the final solutation and one there you can not un do it.:)

when the grim reeper comes for me ill go not untill then

i never ever had what I call a "death thought"....until about 4 years ago, and that's when my floodgates opened and i started to realize how trapped and unhappy i was about my physical gender...

and I would have these thoughts all the time...this was very distressing to me because I've always been a happy go lucky person

Once I started the serious part of my transition, those thoughts completely stopped and are the farthest thing from my mind

First of all...no, I don't think the world would be a better place without me, AND, you shouldn't think the world would be a better place without you. Just think of all the people you have come into contact with and have made their lives better. Sure, there are alot of problems one faces throughout life, but, it could be alot worse. You don't cancer, Parkinson's disease, leukemia, or any other serious, life threatening disease...do you? I hope not.....we would certainly not be better off without you...so put those thoughts away. Life is short enough. Take the positives and put them to work and forget the negatives!!!!:hugs::hugs:

I usually have those kind of thought when I'm in one of those "urgently need to dress" modes... other than that I'm good...

Leave early.
No way.
There is way too much to do here.

There are ups and there are downs.

But there have been ups and there will be more.

Nope. Never really get depressed and have never even thought that thought...

yes i have my days where i just want to end it all. i have a plan and the meds to do it i call it my plan z. sadly i see no decent future and when i get stressed plan z is on my mind.
funny thing today is a very bad day for me. and i was thinking about this subject when i saw this thread.

no i'm ok right now but i wonder why i bother sometimes

I have similar thoughts frequently -- have had ever since I became a widower 21 years ago. (God knew it was supposed to be a package deal!)
As for "what would family think?" -- doesn't matter, since I've outlived most of them.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not suicidal; I have no intention of ending my life. But if I see the end coming, nor will I do anything to prevent it.
And for the record, I fully intend to be wearing my finest dress in the casket.

Pardon if a GG butts in here .....

but yes I have thought of this many times over the years ,, mainly because I have been sick for a long,long time and sometimes I get tired of fighting, tired of feeling bad and tired of living a half life , it doesnt affect my appearance so much but I have a chronic illness,with a lot of pain and sometimes trouble breathing, so I really have to want to go on sometimes.. For me sometimes it is living that is the harder thing to do.. I sometimes really have to think of my youngest daughter and my precious husbands sweet little faces, to take my mind away from it ..
During my illness, the priest has had to be called to the hospital for me,, so I have been close before. That is also very traumatic if you are aware enough to know what is going on .

yes I have
Last Summer I spent around two weeks planning how I was going to do it and was about 30 min away from carrying it out when I got a random phone call. it was a huge number of things at once that got me into that position. I wont go into all the details but up intill i had reached that point i thought anyone talking about that kind of thing was stupid and couldnt understand how someone could feel that down. of my 2 or so friends I have I tried to talk to them but they blew me off and that fueled the depression even more

Sure, I've thought of dying, but it's the last thing I want to do, ever. Really, no rush.. No hurry...

When I was younger, I suppose we all talked about it now and then. It just never seemed a bright idea to speed things along.

As time passed, I've known people who tried, and some who were unfortunately good at it. All left confusion, hurt, worry, heartbreak in their wake - even the ones who "only" maimed themselves or ruined their minds.

"Negative" feelings to me are signals to pay attention and get back on a better track. Sort of like that "rumble strip" next to the freeway lane on that "idiot light" for the oil pressure on the dash board. Neither means, "Speed up!," or, "Don't stop!"

Life should be happy, or, as happy as you can make it. Even a little bit is "better."

Set some goals, try, then set some new ones and try again.

Life is for living. So, live.

Where to begin ...

Suicides here in New Zealand account for more deaths each year than road accidents, yet the subject is taboo and one may not speak openly about it in schools, nor will the government countenance a suicide prevention TV campaign along the lines of its anti-drink-driving ones.

The problem will not go away, if you simply ignore it.

Once a year, here in Auckland, SPINZ organises a rememberance service for all those touched by the death of a loved one. I attended it last year (SD has lost a number of relatives in this way). When one sees how each individual family member and friend still carries the cross of loss, one is moved to agree with Ann Carpenter that killing oneself is a thoughtless, selfish action.

It is also a huge waste of human potential. Many people only achieve their real reason for living this life at its very end, for example, those who perish saving someone else's life. Who knows why we have been placed upon this earth?

This life is certain and there is so much joy to be experienced, even in adversity (and I am in this cycle myself, right now) that to leave the pub before closing time shuts out the possibility of having the last dance with your future (don't you love mixed metaphors?).

To all of you who are feeling down ... you are NOT alone ... things will change for the better if you will only exercise some patience.

Love you all

C

Quote:

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Originally Posted by AllieSummers

When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?
I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.

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[SIZE="2"]A serious subject, indeed. When I was young I was fascinated by suicide, then my female neighbor’s son shot himself, upstairs in her house, and I witnessed the aftermath and heartache that ensued. I’ll never forget the look on the mother’s face at the memorial -- a look of total devastation. Very, very sad, and so unnecessary…

Since then, I’ve always looked on the bright side, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t have your family pressure and assorted worries, Allie, but my own worries take their toll. The world would scarcely notice my passing, in fact I could safely be called “one who fell through the cracks,” but what of it? I’m happy to be alive, able to see things clearly, and pleased to be here, among my friends. One can’t help but think about death, but don’t forget to think about life…

I used to work in a cemetery as a gravedigger, so I have a different perspective on death (in general). Standing in a grave, atop a human skull that needs to be reburied to make room for a new occupant, changes how you think about the inevitable. Based on that experience, I certainly think about death, but I know exactly where I’m going -- back to where it all started. Why be fearful or morbid about such certainty? I’m just looking forward to the ultimate dispersal of the self in all of nature. I keep thinking about those Zen monks of yore that attempted to die standing up – when one actually accomplished the feat, the others would laugh, knock him over, and just keep going…

Not to make light of the subject, but whenever I feel depressed (a rare thing, I’m glad to say), I listen to a little Joy Division – that cures me immediately. I suddenly realize I’m not that depressed…:sad::straightface::)[/SIZE]

I believe in the old cliche, "While there's life there's hope." What that means in practical terms is that no matter how bad things seem, there is always the possibility of something better turning up.
I did in fact have a period of bad depression some years ago, and whilst it got very black a few times, my basic thought always was - this will pass, surely. And it did.
I am now turned 60 and happier now than I can recall ever being in the past.
So don't give up. And besides, the Lord will take you when he's good and ready.

Yup...can't wait...greatest mystery to all of mankind, so why not?????

Seriously it's a far more complex issue and one each and every one of us will face at some time in our life...or is that when our life here ends....

Now reading the initial post are we talking death and dying or are we talking suicide???? Two different questions here....one is a fact of life the other involves the idea or concept that we can end our life....

I think anyone at one times or another thinks about the fact tha tone day we will no longer exist and we go through that process as everyone who has come before us has faced and that is dying....so that is normal and also most of us at one time or another will think about throwing in the towel as well...life is generally filled with peaks and valley's for all of us....and at tiems we all think about "checking out"....very few of us however reach that point where we carry out the thoughts....

But dying in and of itself is a natural part of the living process.....for there is a time to be born and a time to die....simple as that....

Sure I have but that is natural to contemplate death, whether natural or self inflicted. I thought my world was destroyed when I was told my wife had passed one morning 2-1/2 years ago. Everything kind of exploaded in my brain but as time went on the idea of death took a huge backseat to my CDing and since then I have started my transition. I'm glad that the death thing died and left Teri to carry on.

Teri

Many days I wake up disgusted, I think "What For"

I've lost my job.

My favorite cat got killed.
A stray moster dog killed 5 cats, my dog and my neighbors dog.

My ex G/F's daughter commited sepico at 18

My G/F cost me nearly my life's savings.
I have legal crap looming.
Spent almost 3 months in jail, 4 of my "Good Friends" were seen here day after day. Oddly they sold over $4,000 in scrap metal while I was jailed.
One of them I loaned $1k to get them into a rental home.. NICE HUH?

My Family is disfunctunal, has been forever.

I have no home ins. and it caught fire, thieves mangled the rest.

My Credit Score went from 0.5mil credit[1200] available to Zero[475].

Close friends, turn out to be NOT.
When times are good everyone loves you, When the rain comes, even if it's not your fault, they don't return calls.

I have a major operation soon, I'm taking care to make sure the one person who has been a real friend gets my 401k and what's left of my stuff.

Yeah, I think we all get severely depressed sometimes.

Yes many times but then i think "oh that is what you would love me to do so i am going to stick around just to annoy you ".
A bit like coming back on here :rofl::rofl::lol2:

There may be more than one or two people out there who would like to see my go by my own hand but fortunately I'm not one of them. I need to be around to say "I told you so." and wear a red dress when dance on their graves.

It may not all go my way, and sometimes it feels like none of it is, but life is still interesting and I seem to love the challenge of figuring it out. I know I've joked about life and death issues in the past, but it's just the way I'm wired (reinforced by working with first responders for a long time). I can't guarentee that I'll always feel that way, but it's worked so far. I have tried to understand suicide as an option at times in the past and that puzzle piece just doesn't fit in my view of the world. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to understand how powerful the impulse for self destruction can be, but I'm willing to wait.

I wish those who have those feelings the absolute best.

I have never considered death in any fashion but when I die and I'm dead and gone there'll be one child born in this world to carry on (Blood sweat and Tears). Suicide is the cowards way out.

I have thought about this subject alot since I had a heart attack 3 years ago, and actually did die on the table before they brought me back. It has taken some time, but it has enhanced my dressing desire and pleasure knowing just how short life can be and just deciding to enjoy the time I have left.

I was "this" close to doing something almost four years ago, but I finally came to realize that I wasn't selfish enough to do it. The heartache and headaches I would have inflicted on my family and loved ones would have been nothing short of cruel. And that's not to mention that I reached out, found the help I needed, and that I am happier today than I have ever been.

There's a difference between "have you thought about dying" and "have you ever contemplated suicide". I'm having far too much fun being a cantankerous old b*st*rd to want this to end although end it inevitably will. Even if I were to live another 100 years (which is not possible) it will not have been enough.

YES, it was last July. I was so down that I came up stairs to the computer room, got the exacto knife, and was just millimeters away from my wrists, when my little cat, Callie jumped in my lap and just looked at me. I couldn't do it then. so with her sound asleep in my lap, I just started free writing. Any thing that popped in my mind went on that paper. It helped allot. So now we call Callie the life savor.
Attachment 99574This is my life savor.

Joan Merrie,
Your post made me cry.
My cats have been the only real reason that I care at all to keep trying, people forget you, soon.

When I lost my job I was devastated, I was super popular, lots of friends, management, labor, everyone.
400+ EMPLOYEES
One very small problem and several decades of "friends" GONE
In 2 years how many people called me,, ???

ONE.

Asking family for ONE loan to get out of jail on bond to protect my $30,000 misc property, what do I get ?
No answer, this AFTER loaning them things, my NEW Corvette, and money.
3rd call gets me a "we're still thinking about it"
I had money, it just takes a couple of weeks to get it.
They let me rot.



I too love my cats..
They're the only living creatures I can "depend" on..

Yes, but only natural death -- those contemplations are more frequent as one gets older.

I've known three families which had suicides -- all young sons. Suicide is immensely selfish and cruel, in my opinion. It leaves deep lifetime scars in all who loved them, and really destroys both parents emotionally.

I ,like others have had some low times and felt as you did ,but I am soooo glad that I kept on going . Live is to short not to live it to it`s fullest .
I am almost 65 and realize that every day is precious and try to enjoy my Gender Blessed Life .
I hope that you are doing better .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yolanda_Voils

Close friends, turn out to be NOT.
When times are good everyone loves you, When the rain comes, even if it's not your fault, they don't return calls.

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The only really good thing about landing in s**t street, as you have, Yolanda, is that you find out exactly who your friends are.

Treasure the true friends and know that they will always be there for you.

i love living and have not givin suicide a single thought. my body isnt gettin any younger but in my mind i am still in my teen most of the time. i did buy my cemitary plot a few years ago only so noone would have rush around looking for a place to plant me someday. me and the wife got the lawn cript thing where they stack one on top of the other. got a real good deal since my parents had recently bought their lots there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PaulaJaneThomas

There's a difference between "have you thought about dying" and "have you ever contemplated suicide".

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Excellent point!!!

My take, and this isn't meant to look down on anyone who has been in the personal depths of contemplation of taking one's life. It's simply my outlook.

Try receiving a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. Fight through a horrific treatment regimine and come out the other side free of disease, but never free of fear. Fast forward about 17 years and endure a scare that said disease may have returned and because the previous treatment F'ed you up so badly before, it no longer remains on the table as a treatment option.

In a nutshell this is my story and I'm glad to say that as of a couple weeks ago, a pretty definitive test has shown that I am disease free. Yes, I cannot help to have contemplated my own demise but I'm far from being in a hurry to shed this mortal coil. Life is a wonderful thing, family, friends, fulfillment, whatever it is that floats your boat. Live it to the fullest, it can be yanked from you without regard to whether or not you're ready in a blink of an eye.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rachel E

When you become DEAD you can not later become UNDEAD....
Just stop and think of what your family and freinds would think. How would you feel if one of yor friends thought the way you are thinking.
Death is the final solution and one there you can not un do it.:)

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Amen Rachel. Live your life to the fullest while you've got each and every breath because you're dead for an awful long time!!

I have never considered suicide because I always believed there was never any situation that was worth killing yourself over and that would not eventually get better. However, at times during the past six or seven years there were times when I was so worn down and discouraged that I honestly wouldn't have cared if God struck me down then and there. I was tired of the constant struggles and ready if it was my time to go. My ex wife is bi-polar and schizophrenic and attempted suicide numerous times and I saw the toll that took on my kids, and I would never put my family through that. I'm generally rational enough to realize that things will always get better, but there are times when I don't know if I can deal with all the cr@p anymore. But I keep going and take it one day at a time.

Yep. Thought a lot aobut dying, or feeling like wanting to die, throughout my life. Not from the point of thinking the world would be better without me, but rather just not knowing how to cope with myself healthier way.

Have felt a lot of shame about myself. I'm amazed at so many of you here that seem to have dealt with crossdressing so much better then I have....

This last year was tough, getting outed in a way and having people think they know something about me really sucked!! Loosing control over my secret it just felt like OMG I want off this ride now!!

but I am still here!!

I have no desire to end my life before it runs its course. I'd like to live as long as possible, to see what the world has to offer and of course see my offspring progress in life as well.

I don't want to digress into something off topic, but I blame religion for putting thoughts into people's minds that death is a preferrable alternative. This "better place" they speak of, the alternative place with the pitchforks one goes to if they are bad, etc. I think the "better place" is right here in life and I intend to make the best of whatever my life faces, no matter how good or bad.

I lived with somebody, my ex, who was bipolar manic depressive, so I've seen first hand how someone can become so unhappy with their lives that they want to go to that so-called "better place" sooner rather than later.

To come back to our favorite topic, we all share something that makes us happier than we were before we started doing it, or we would not be here talking about it. Perhaps the act of CD'ing is a means to escape life's unhappy situations and doing something that makes us comfortable in our own worlds.

But here's another thought, and something that I thought the topic was about before I read the entries. What if you died at home, of natural causes, and were CD'ing at the time? Not that you would be able to show embarassment, but if you're living in the closet would you want those who discover you, the coroner, the police, etc. to remember you by how they found you?

Karen

Yes, I have. It was in the past and it took a lot to admit I needed some help. Go talk to your doctor...it doesn't have to be for treatment, s/he can tell you their opinion and may have some very helpful tips. It sounds like you are depressed, even though you can fake it and convince yourself and others you are not doesn't mean it is not true. If you can not enjoy life you need to find a way to get off that path and on to a better one.

I have also thought about death from another point of view...like what things do I want to finish before I die...completing one or two of these really can boost your spirit. Actually...there is a connection...I was so scared of going out dressed in daylight I would have prefered death if I got caught...but, I thought about it and decided I might as well die doing something fun!

I went through a very long period of depression when I was 23-25. (well, not long in the grand scheme of things, but seemed forever to me)

It was March 14, 2009 at 9:51. I was in the bath tub with my boxcutter ready for a grand adventure. I had planned this moment for months and had picked 25 years to the minute after I was born to do it.

I couldn't do it. Since then, I have adopted a new outlook on life called "The Secret". It has truly changed my life.

Allie. I don't know the depths or the extent of your thinking....but with me, yeah, i've said it once or twice before,,,,mostly me thinking it. I would never do it ofcourse:
(1) because I have a lot of cool things still to do.
(2), all my family and loved ones would be CRUSHED. I can't do that to them.
(3)....I don't want to start the equivalent of the "1st grade" over, on a grander scale. I already came this far.

I mostly get pissed about this crappy, planetal society us ......um.........supposedly,,"evolved" species have created. We have literally painted ourselves into the corners. Such an "in the box" mentality, led by the .01 percent that actually own & run the planet. Our assignments of worths & values are exponentially becoming askewed. I'm not even going to get into it. But many times that song by Radiohead,"CREEP" plays through my head........."What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"

Girls,........ don't lecture me on I have it wrong or whatever..blah blah blah. It's just my reaction sometimes, to what I see take place here, on a daily basis.

The only rule in my book for running a planet is: Don't Be A Dick.
That covers the ENTIRE gamut! Maybe not as beautiful or well versed as Plato's, Republic......but ends with similar results.

No No Never Never, uh uh uh.....Life is a gift, being transgendered is a surprise gift. I embrace it and try to live life to it's fullest. Besides, what would happen to all my stuff!:D

To those that have those thoughts, I hope and pray you never give in to them, as death will come to all of us, all in good time. Please don't leave early.

Hi...
For some of us suicide is very real . two of our trans girls took thiere lives some 4 years ago in christchurch n z . not the only ones i know of . & a close friend of ours allso . & some from our schools here .
living withJos my s o . who has depression major & with out meds has tryed . this is over 36 years .
For me coming out as a woman 11 years ago . a hell for family . in many ways it would have been better if i had . at lest family would not have had to go through what we did .they would have greaved a loss . not a change . so yes a part of my life depression . or opression . & being so down that it would have been a good way to end the hurt . & all the rest of it . when you hit the bottom . & depression hits you you know full well . after 8 years of mental hell. yeap . it looked good .
Yet ..... i have 4 words . that i use . on one of our forums.
....................................
love life live life
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i look at that. why give away what i have for no reason . when i have been given so much . i m not saying its a bed of rose s what i m saying is . we have been given our life . to enjoy . & to hold on to while we are here . its a gift . so i accepted that gift . & enjoy what i have .
as a aside i would have been killed . at age 10 . I was stoped from instant death . i had 4 sec s if i had not been held from falling . i ll only say there was no human behind me . yet i was pushed forward as i steped backwards off a platform . in to thin air ....
so yes i count every day as a plus . even having thoughts of suicide are not in my plans . life is given . & can be taken . just dont give in .....theres ..to much to lose .....
...noeleena...