Ex GF/SO has threatened to out me

To make a long story short, we broke up months ago. Still talked a little bit here and there, but usually it would end up in disagreements. The main part of it is that when we were still together, I had expressed my interest in men. So, we broke up pretty soon after that even though we still had feelings for eachother.

Eventually we've both tried to go on with our lives. Unfortunately anytime she meets someone, she lets me know about it. I'd rather not know. But a couple of days ago via a IM chat it got ugly for the same reasons. I wasn't going to take it, and told her that I had been with other women. That set her off which is not right IMO because we're not together.

Next day, she sent me another few IM's basically telling me that men don't hit on me because I'm a big fat dude that dresses like a girl, and still looks like a man. And that i should just come out and be a guy and date gay men. All of this is uncalled for because I've never attacked her like that. She also says that all of the guys that she's shown my pictures to say that i look scarry, and that with Halloween coming up I will look perfect.

I have to admit that I really hurt my feelings. And she also threatened to expose me (out me). I told her that if being mean to me makes her happy, then to go ahead do what she feels she must do. I also said that I would hate for bad Kahrma to come her way because of this.

I'm getting to the point where I would like to come out, or at least not hide who I am. But I want to do that on my terms, not hers. This really put me in a funk yesterday, and decided to sleep it off.

Sisters, do you have any advice for me?

Thanks,


Monica.

Stop communicating with your Ex!

You can block her IM's, I would imagine.

Your response to her was perfect, now stop talking to her.

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Originally Posted by DonnaT

Stop communicating with your Ex!

You can block her IM's, I would imagine.

Your response to her was perfect, now stop talking to her.

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Donna, I just figured out how to stop her IM's. I'm sure she'll be snooping around here too, but not much I can do...

I would ocasionally call her, to see how she's doing. But I erased her number from my cell phone. I told her it's best for us to not comunicate. We also have Gay Pride coming this Saturday and she wanted to go with me, but I had said no a few days earlier. Now I don't even want to go. I know I'm not the most slender of people, and she did hurt me with those comments I must admit.

You say that you, THINK you would like to be out anyway. think it over a little more, decide that is what you want and it would be best for you to be out anyway, then, IN "YOUR" LAST COMMUNICATION WITH THE BITCH, tell her to go ahead and out you to everyone, you have been wanting to come out anyway, You tell your friends, associates and aquaintences, I'll tell mine, that would be perfect, we'll out me as a crossdresser, and it will be done in a couple minutes......


think about that some.. you will either piss her off and, 1. she will tell everyone she knows, or 2. she will never say anything to anyone knowing that you would like to be outted anyway. and best of all, 3.never contact you again.
With an EX-FRIEND like that, I would almost guarantee, you're better off anyway.......

I agree with Bobbi. Preemptive strikes always give you the advantage. Take away her weapons here. She is using the "I am going to tell everyone" line that you have control over by telling people first. Hard to make gossip when the truth is already out there. Second, she is a jealous person who thinks that if she tells you her exploits you will either cry and want her back or get angry. Don't do either. Let her go. Don't care about who she sees or what she does. It's over. Go to Pride, have fun, meet people. If you see her go to the other side of the park. If she corners you, say "I really don't need to see you right now. I have other matters that are important tome. I wish you well but please step out of the way."

And who cares if you like guys? Sheesh. Also you looked good enough to attract her...so why would she think you can't find someone else? It shows she has her own personal issues. Do buy into her subscription

I have had many women tell me. "If you don't talk to an Ex....then, you still have feelings for her."

NOPE! Sometimes, it's absolutely pointless to talk to an Ex, or a lot of other people who only bring woe and misery into your life. People like that are nothing but "poison for the soul." Do not try and get in The Last Word, do not try to be "a nice guy," do not try to "help her with her problems." RESIGN FROM THE GAME!" You can only play it with two people. If your not playing...no game. No doubt, she will then call, and harass, and make apologies, cause' it's fun to keep pulling you back into The Game. Don't respond, don't play. Write her off, and get on with your life.

If she "Outs" you to everyone, that you can't control. You will have to live with it, swallow your pride, and move on.

This one isn't Rocket Science, put an end to it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Wow my ex said that to but I beat her to the puch and told my friends about my dressing up. And they did not care what I did and some wanted to see and go out to the clubs. And when the ex went to tell them, they said they already knew and did not care, and the ones I went out with told her. She got all mad and left. I wish hyou luck. Maybe she just does not like the fact that you look better than her

Yeah... She's totally playing you. You shouldn't communicate with her at all. She said some pretty mean things to you. Do you want to live with that kind of person? She showed her true colors... I wouldn't, and didn't put up with nonsense. I kicked my ex-fiance out for acting like a total bitch. Cursing, insulting, breaking things. Finally told her she's no longer welcome in my home. She tried calling, emails, IM's, even snail mail. I ignored it all and am much happier without her in my life. You can be, too. You might 'love' her, but that doesn't mean you have to 'be IN love' with her.

Life is too short for mean, vindictive people in your life. You've already dumped the relationship. Now dump her. Break contact, and keep it permanent.

I had an old girlfriend who was an ex girlfriend for a few months, then on again later. During the few months we weren't together, I started dating someone else. She went ballistic, even though she'd been dating someone too. All for naught. She was a mean and vindictive person too, and I'm VERY glad she's not in my life anymore.

Get away from this person. She's just trouble.

Precisely why I de-closeted myself all those years ago. If someone threatened to out me (and I have an ex who might've), I would just say "Who else can you tell that would care?"

all of your comments are very encouraging. I think she would try to out me with my uncle (whom I rent a room from) and maybe local collegues in my line of business. I've been wanting to tell both parties, but haven't had the courage to do so. I've also feared professional suicide if I did this.

But living a double life might kill me 1st.

Why are you talking to her? Best case scenario...you'd both move on. By continuing to have contact, it's feeding the poison she's unleashing on you. She obviously feels jealous and you know what they say about a woman scorned.
BTW, you don't look like a fat dude, you look like a pretty girl and we come in all shapes and sizes. The halloween remark was just cruel. Move on to someone with better class.

Well, you are out...

You told one person. That's all it takes. That's how it works.

Congratulations!

As to the spiteful ex. Meh. Chose better next time.

Good luck with guys if that's where you want to go next.

Couldn't be that much worse than this gal...

Glad you got away from her!

I went through the same thing with an ex girlfriend. When we were together, each time we had a fight she would threaten to out me and hold it over my head if I wanted to break up with her.

Eventually I just got sick of it and told her "fine, just tell them I don't care anymore"

I called her bluff, she never told anyone :)

If you KNOW it is indeed over, tell her quietly and gently that what goes around comes around..

After the dust has settled, months or years have passed, then revenge time is at hand..

Many little tricks, mostly legal, can drive a person nuts with the hassle of mail notifications, phone requests etc.

One simple nasty is to tear out every magazine request form.
Type in the addy.
Make sure they're Redbook, Good Housekeeping, and the like, they'll gripe for years wanting their money.
She'll go nuts calling and cancelling the orders..

This is just one of several hundred nasties of "How to Get Even"

When she IM's you, ignore her. Don't bother talking to her at all. She will be a little mad but eventually leave you alone. She uses your own feelings as a weapon against you. Ignore her and her weapon dies. What's the worst that could happen, she outs you; too late she already did that. Ignore her and it dies or she comes to your house and talks.

This is a potential issue for anyone not living openly. I would suggest taking away her ammunition by coming out and being proud of who you are.

Just ignore her Monica. I think you look great myself.:)

Go ahead and come out. Tell everyone your ex was the one who turned you on to crossdressing. Tell everyone she insisted you dress for sex and when you decided you liked it she freaked out.

She sounds kinds nuts anyway!!

Rachel

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Originally Posted by RachelB.

Go ahead and come out. Tell everyone your ex was the one who turned you on to crossdressing. Tell everyone she insisted you dress for sex and when you decided you liked it she freaked out.

She sounds kinds nuts anyway!!

Rachel

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this would be a real nice counter strike! the bitch sounds like a grade A whack job

A first strike would seem to be a good idea but what could that cost in the real world? Is it an accecptable risk? only you can answer these questions. This could be the right time for the wrong reason. It would not surprize me if your uncle already suspects but does't want to say anything because he belives you'll tell him when you feel he needs to know. Either way if I can go out as a BBW I am sure a smaller gurl like you could. I personaly don't think you look scary at all, but rather cute. I love your eyes and facial features. Good Luck with the X.

I agree with the others. Just ignore her. Block IM's, block her phone number if you can. If you can pretend she doesnt exisit anymore. If you ready to out yourself then do so. If not you can just wait and see if she follows through with her threat. You can only control what you do and not what others do.

Why do you even care about "EX"
Drop her like 3rd period French
A new life awaits you, one free of her
Enjoy your life you are to young to fret over spilt milk
You will be just fine, probably even better once its OVER.

Don't come out to your work if there is no life change coming. I think you want to protect your career and have a place to live. Make up a plausible story to tell anyone who asks you about what she said..."I'm surprised she would say these things...one reason we broke up is because she is very unstable, I think she needs medical help. You would not believe the things I did for her just to satisfy her wacky S&M fantasies... now she tries to blame me?....man! I'm glad were done!" or some such thing. Never talk to her again (people like that are only seeking attention), you don't need that crap in your life.

should have stopped talking to her long before making a thread about it

my current wife actually threatened to do this to me. We were really fighting at the time. Nothing came out of it really.

I had to tell my mom in case she would tell her first though. (had to tell my mom b/c she had already suspected it and I lied to her on multiple occassions...)

It was really bad in the moment but it ended up giving me the courage to tell those close to me. I agree with former posts don't tell your work if you're worried about losing your job. You'd be surprised what people will believe about pics of you or what a jilted ex would do. I bet if you denied it when she outed you most people would believe you were just messing around or halloween or some such thing.

Do what you can to get away from this toxic relationship, you have nothing to gain by remaining close to her. In the unlikely event she 'outs' you just roll with the punches, you will survive and become a stronger person.
There is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser. There is nothing wrong with being a fat crossdresser--unless you wear a lot of spandex.

It's been a difficult week for sure. I've questioned myself about my crossdressing. I've trully felt hurt. But through the encouragement of all you ladies here, and a few friends locally I've been able to cope and find hope in the future.


I decided to attend out local Gay Pride festivities, and after parties. I had a great time. As far as my ex, I think I'm just going to let her make a move. If she does, I guess i'll just deal with it. Professionally, I own my own business, so it's touchy. I'm inclined to tell my uncle. I'll cross that bridge when i get there...

Well you have been given some good advice. Block the IM's, don't call her, fill in all thoses mail "addies", tell people that she's into s&m ect,ect,.The best advice is to ignore her.Did you ever think that she is too shallow and immature for you? Get on with your life and forget that she existed. She can't come to grips with losing you is what it's really all about. You hurt her little insecure feelings. Be strong and show her that you are a stronger person than she will ever be!

Jeanna


“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Monica I'd let go of this girl all together she is no good for you. As for coming out do it when you like. Don't let her push you into it.And you are a good looking girl Monica. just take care this girl sounds like she's a little off in the head Hun.:hugs:
Angie