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okay, so my girlfriend knows that i liked to cd. she still really likes me and just tries to ignore the fact that i do it, because honestly it weirds her out. any of you girls have suggestions on how to make your girlfriend feel more comfortable with the idea and maybe even begin to like going out with u en femme? any advice would be great thanks!
well I dropped the "honey, I'm bi and oh btw I'm also TG", bomb on my GF and it didn't change her opinion of me one bit. I would suggest though that you sit down and have a talk with her. Explain why you do it, how you feel inside, and how far you're wanting to take your CD'ing. Also point her towards some online resources so she can find out for herself more about what you're going through. This forum board for one is a great place to suggest to her.
Understand that your relationship is a 2 way street and while we can hope she will finally accept you for who you are regardless, you have be willing to change some things for her also. I'm sure this a big deal to her and so far it seems like she's coped with it by ignoring it. Just talk to her, tell you her you love her (if you really do) and take things at her pace. You might never get to the point where you go out dressed but if you really care about your GF you'll consider her feelings in all of this.
If it weirds her out then chances are slim to none to get her to come around.. In my humble opinion. All the logic and explaining in the world won't change that... And she's probably out hunting for a new boyfriend...
One of the hardest things to explain to someone, I've found, is that you are still the same person inside. Even though you like to feel pretty once in a while.
But be careful... An accepting SO can be encouraging for you to go farther than you expect right now.
Although I always found it nice to go shopping together, I ended up spending a lot more when we shopped. Even a place like Wal-Mart you can find nice dresses for $20 to $30 and 3 or 4 of them plus some other accessories can begin to add up quickly.
~~Sandy~~
Any relationship where one party feels the need to "make" the other do or feel something is seriously handicapped to begin with. If it were me, I would ask her why she feels "weirded out" by it and start from there. In many, if not most cases, these feelings are based on mis-information and unfounded fear. Providing her with honest dialog, good information, and assurances of your love nd commitment to her and her place in your life are your best hope of her coming to her own positive conclusions about you and what you enjoy.
My feeling on this matter is you just have to do it and tell her if she does not want to be around when you do that you just do not see each other at those times.
I have learned that avoiding being yourself just creates a lot of problems. You cannot let her being weirded out about it change who you are, talk to her about it, understand how she feels about it, provide her whatever information she wants on it, but make it clear that this is who you are and that most likely will never change.
One thing us old timers realize is that every situation with a GG is unique. In my opinion a small amount really like femmie gurls like us, a larger amount cannot stand it and the majority don't like it but will tolerate it. My wife of 32 years dislikes Robin alot but tolerates in a very good marriage otherwise. You can't MAKE a GG like your femme side, it must honestly develp. I told my wife before we were marrried, and of course she thought it was just a faze and would go away. It NEVER does dear !!! Huggs, Robin
You could tell her that we have a GG only section here and encourage her to join the site, get her inital ten posts in (including an intro post in the intro section) and then encourage her to apply to join the FAB forum where she can come and chat to all us GG's ........... it might help her to know she is not on her own :)
Has she seen you dress? Try to make a night out of dressing and hanging out with her, watch some movies she would like, try to do a girls night thing. If you think that she would enjoy it. It gets you dressed with her, but you aren't the focus of the night.
However, I don't know if there is anyway to MAKE someone accept it.
My wife wasn't sure about it, at first she wanted to see all my clothes, then wanted to see pictures, then wanted to see me dressed, between each step though she was still worried about how it would be when I'm dressed. I remember her saying she worried about how aquward it would be for her to come home and there I am all dressed up. After she saw me dress though, she said it was no big deal, it was still just me in different clothes. Now if she comes home and I'm not wearing some article of girls clothes she gives me a look like, "Why aren't you dressed?!?!".
im married and when i first told her about my cding she wanted no part of it she was a baptist preachers kid so she was raised thinking it was a sin well she started reading about it and it took a few yrs with small steps she is accepting of it and very protective of me when we are out talking is the best advice i can offer oh by the way we will be celabrating our 20th aniversery this year so good luck if you have any questions pm me and i will try to help
I really don't like saying this but I agree with Karen on this one (not because I agree with Karen). I think this is a very difficult issue for women and their acceptance is immediate or never. For some who are lukewarm I believe (only from hearing and reading other peoples' experiences) it never gets better and it only gets worse.
I know it is very difficult for women to understand how we feel and even more difficult to live with us knowing how we feel. I know there are some that are understanding but it must be very difficult for them.
I'm a failure there but have you tried to have her join here or at least browse.
Bottom line its going to be her choice whether she accepts it or not. You can't force people to change who they are, you wouldn't want her to make you accept something you didn't like. All I can suggest is talking, answering questions she may have, and showing her some articles. Have a discussion. Don't force her to see you en femme...it'll just make matters worse.Quote:
Originally Posted by BrookeA
ok, thank you all for the suggestions. i pointed her last night to an article about it and she found it informative. she also informed me that she is past the shocked and weirded out part and is fully accpeting of it as she just doesn't want to break up with me. she told me that she is not really ready at this point to be involved with it, but if i want to do it she will support me 100%. i guess getting her into being involved with it will just take time?
Your best chance is to have lots of meaningful discussions about why she is weirded out - have her explain exactly what it is that she fears or dislikes and then you have something to work on.
It would also be useful to compare the differences between women living 50 years ago against today so you can correlate your desire to express femininity against with how women incorporate masculinity in their everyday lives. This way you can demonstrate this is not a weird or unusual desire at all.
Most of all you will need patience. Even if she can intellectually understand your CDing, it still takes time for that to affect her feelings on the matter. You cannot reprogram overnight a lifetime's conditioning that men are a certain way.
The last part of the puzzle you have no control over. Willingness to learn, adapt and change. Many people find comfort in tradition and the normalcy of mainstream society. They want to remain in the hot tub and not step into the cold air outside. They choose the easy solution and reject the need to change themselves and place all the blame/responsibility on others.
Can't force someone to accept us. My wife still doesn't want any part of this. Three years ago, she threatened to leave me & ask for a divorce if I continue dressing. I've been hiding it from her ever since. Not easy. And yes I do feel lonely on occasions.
One advice: keep on communicating with her through it all. It might work out for you in the end. I certainly hope so!
A.
very good point KatieQuote:
Originally Posted by Katie B
I find it interesting that CDers would try to answer for GGs when they haven't been in that position. Just because we're raised a certain way or have always thought a certain way, doesn't mean we can't change. A lot of us are shocked by it at first, never having had any exposure to it or knowing anything about it and being afraid of where it will all end up. Most fear is based on ignorance and ignorance is corrected through education...so help educate her, but take it slowly and comfortably, don't overwhelm her. Direct her here to the FAB section and that would be a great place to start, where she can know she is not alone in this situation and can get a lot of her questions answered...there are some things the CDer can't address adequately like a fellow GG can.
Those who want to write her off already, hold on! An initial reaction is no indicator of where she'll end up! Everyone's journey is as diverse as they are.
If you see her make effort and progress, that is a pretty good indicator of where she'll go with it.
I caution you to go slow, don't expect a lot of involvement at first unless she expresses the desire to...take into consideration her level of interest. Good luck, I hope the two of you end up having fun with this!
My advice to you is to just take it slow. Like many have said, talk to her. Explain things. Don't just expect her to understand. When my SO told me he was a CD I didn't think it was real. But he was also in prison when he told me. But as soon as he got out, it became real. To be honest one of the things that really helped me to understand was this website... to see and hear other people's stories really helped me to know that I'm not the only one and that it's not a big deal at all. Ever since I was young I always asked the question (when I over heard people making fun of CDers) "Who ever said a guy can't wear a dress? Who made that rule?" Idk... he also kind of explained it to me in a way to better understand. A way that made it seem... fun... I mean shopping and not having him complain he wanted to go home... and actually being able to go in victorias secret and not have to go in alone while he waits outside... AND shaving together... that is a plus. It's hard enough to get myself motivated to do it myself. :)
I think a good idea is to keep mentioning it now and again. Don't let it be a big deal that you do or don't talk about it. If my S/OP and I are out shopping and she sees some shoes she likes I might cheekily say ' lets both get a pair' or " those are great but I want these'!! it keeps it light and not a big deal and is an intimate thing just between the two of you so its very positive. That has to be better than thinking "right, I'm going to definitely talk about it tonight' etc. Why shouldn't you talk about it? its part of who you are and If she loves you then why not accept that its part of you.
JMHO
From another GG I also find it interesting that so many CDers think they can answer for us also. I would not presume to know how you feel not being a Cder so how can you possibly know how we feel. If you can get her on FAB I'm sure she would benefit from other GG's experiences. Good luck.
GG reply
You can't force anyone to accpet or be supportive, but if you sit down with her and talk and ask her why " it weirds her out", you may both be able to come to a compromise, just don't expect mircales over night it can take a long time.
It wouldn't hurt to try what Sheila has suggested in that she joins the forum and FAB and chats with the SOs in there.
I would try to figure out what exactly weirds her out about it. I remember that at first, I was really accepting...but, then I backtracked like crazy because I was afraid that my SO wanted to either A) be with a man or B) become a woman. Once, we both talked about it more (and it took about 2 months of talking), I was able to get over my hang-ups and trust him. Now, his CD is something we can enjoy together. But, I must say, if she is extremely just weirded out about just the fact that you like to wear women's clothing, without the other hang-ups...I doubt she'll ever be willing to participate in it with you. To me...that seems like it would be no fun and it would forever be something that you felt wrong about. That's not good for either of you. So, you two just need to sit and talk. Listen to the questions that she asks you because they will probably reveal the issues that she is having with the whole thing.
Thank you!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandra
Stop trying to change people. If she comes to it, that means she's squared with it in her own way. The best way for you to help in that is to focus on your end of the relationship.
If she really loves you for who you are, she'll get over her baggage. If she just loves the idea of who she thinks you are, then it's time to move on.