CD on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Being new here, I've only read a few hundred of the 30K+ threads and a lot of them, in some way, deal with an aspect of giving up dressing, hating it, not knowing why we do it, etc. Proponents say that one can't quit, some say its possible and others do it because they like it or it is a fetish. Aside from some important biological functions like breathing, eating, sleeping, etc, one can STOP doing anything (notice I said stop). After smoking cigarettes for 37 years, I went to bed one night, got up the next day and that was that--haven't smoked in a decade. And, smoking ranks with the top contenders for difficulty in stopping and/or quitting. Some contend that being a CDer is hormonal or genetic (both may be correct to some extent, I don't know).
However, one needs to seperate out biological needs from desire as illustrated by a male's declaration that he is absolutely certain that he is a woman in a man's body, e.g. an eventual trans-sexual, as opposed to people who got dressed by their sisters, liked it and have continued -or something in between. I got the "chemical urge" around 14 , did minor dressing for a few years, stopped doing it for reasons that are not clear, did it a few times over the next 35 years, and have now taken it up again for reasons that are unclear (chemical senility?).
For those who wish to STOP dressing, defining the reasons should be very helpful and the first thing on the agenda. i.e. harmful, expensive, no longer fits personality, wife hates it, etc. Sort of like the 12 steps from AA which I have seen rewritten for a number of other "addictive" behaviours. Notice too that I have not said the desire will disappear if you, like me, got the puberty treatment. If you took it up becuase you just enjoyed it, it should be as easy as falling off a log to stop or quit since it can in no way be deemed "biological" Same for the fetish folks, but I suspect they would just substitute another fetish. For those who believe they are transgendered, they are likely on their way to something more permanent such a living as a woman 24/7 or becoming a TS. and stopping wouldn't be part of the process, unless they have other issues with going in that direction.
The rest of us then, should be able to stop with the right motivation and understanding--if that is really what we want. If nothing else, a card in the pocket that says NOT TODAY. One day at a time. It seems to me in part on how "dependent" we have made ourselves on dressing, much like anything else in the world. Some people can only talk one thing --their car, their rifle, their dog, their bra, their girdle etc. Their focus is too narrow. Dresing in any mode should be apart of us, not all that we are. If dressing is an excuse for something else, then the something else must be dealt with first, before one can quit dressng.
I think that semantic differences styme efforts to accomplish goals but nothing is impossible. I think it was Gen. Mark Clark who said "we do the difficult now, the impossible takes us a little longer."
Thoughts anyone?

Mandrake out of water.

Dress Barn has a holiday sale going on....anyone going?

Well, I can only speak for myself, but I didn't agree on ANYTHING you wrote. I don't buy into your premiss that I actually have free will in my desire to crossdress. I assure you, I am not a crossdresser by choice, it's just a part of me that I've come to accept. I am also 6'1" tall and no matter how I wish I were shorter, thinner, smarter, richer, better educated, better spoken, better looking, I still have to face reality, and in my reality I dress to express myself.
There is no choice involved here. It's not like we go out of our way to make life more complicated by dressing as a woman, I assure you, life is complicated enough as it is without having a closet filled with skirts, blouses, bras, wigs, jewery, and everything else that is required to fullfill a need to be preceived as a female. It takes a lot of energy to dress, let alone the expense.
I believe that fighting the need to dress is harmful, while doing so is healthy, at least for me. Dressing is a normal part of who I am, it's just that simple.

I agree with the original poster on one point for sure,

Crossdressing is not a biological function and therefore not essential to survival. If I had to quit for (insert any suitably important reason here) I would go on living. Drawing breathe, pumping blood, growing hair and of course pooping.

But the thought and appeal would always be there, even if the clothes were no longer available. The fact that I am not acting on the impulse would probably cause me distress too. So while abstaining from the act of dressing would not affect my biological survival, my mental well-being and stability would be taking a heck of a hard hit for team me.

There would have to be a really good reason to stop if I'm to put myself through that.

Is there a reason you have quitting on the brain? Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Having a strong feminine direction is not as "simple" as most addictions. Ok, for some it might be just a fetish that can be substituted, as you put it. Not for us.

This woman that is behind our eyes is a part of our brains, our personalities, and our beings. I spent 55 years being a guy and not understanding why women who worked for me felt so comfortable in leadership roles with me as their supervisor. When my wife finally identified my feminine self and began to teach me about growing up as a girl, it all clicked and I needed (still need) to understand just who this feminine being, Tina, is. She is a part of me and to deny that part of me is to deny who I really am.

Stop? How? Can I throw away part of myself? Can you? I don't think so. Our feminine selves are a part of who we are, and the only way we can be at peace is to find out who she is.

I, for one, with the help of my wonderful, intelligent, and loving wife, will pursue this adventure to fine that part of myself who has been hidden all these years. I truly hope that you can be at peace with your femme self as well, in whatever context she might reside.

tina

The title of your thread did make me read it, although I think it really is mistitled!

That said, I do agree with your premise! That you CAN STOP being a CD if you really want to. I know it is possible because I did!!

Whoa,you are saying! This person said he stopped being a CD, but he is on a CD Forum? Yes, I am on this forum and as you can see by my post count somewhat active. I am a CD "again" and enjoy doing it.

A bit of background. I told my fiance when we got engaged and she was totally accepting. So much so that we wore, at her urging, matching white silk lingerie to our wedding. We did agree that we would not tell our children when we had any, and that I would never dress where they might see me!

Our daughter was born one year after our marriage and our son 4 years later. Some years later I got the idea that it was not a great idea for me to secretly CD, so I just stopped entirely after telling my wife I was going to. She was alright with me stopping at that time! But 5 years later, during which time I had not dressed at all in any way, she sked me to start dressing again! She said she missed Stephanie and wanted her back in her (my wife's) life! I have been dressing ever since, although since my wife passed away I no longer wear a wig or makeup. I do go out in public dressed, but as a guy in a skirt, or sometimes a dress!

So you see, I am living proof that you can stop. It just takes mindset and attitude! I currently have a GGF whom I cannot marry for various reasons, but who does know that I am a CD. I have told her that I would stop those activities if she wanted me to, but, bless her heart, she has said that she would never ask me to do that! She has seen me dressed, and likes me in skirts and dresses! I guess I have the best of both worlds! Drab and CD!

It is pretty hard to quit using your arm or leg, but not impossbile. I think it is a very similar analogy.

We are being harsh with you, but we have heard this story so many times, it becomes very easy to become frustrated with such comments. Then, we appear to be "harsh" and flippant about your no-doubt deeply-felt convictions.

Give it your best shot. Understand that "stopping" is different than becoming an "un-crossdresser." It is very doubtful that you will ever get it completely out of your head. I haven't touched a cigarette in 20 years, but occasionally a momentary desire to "light one up," creeps back into my mind. Denying your transgendered self is a much more difficult task than something that is a "habit!" But, as I said: "Give it your best shot."

Please do us one favor. Have The Guts to come back on here and say: "I eventually could not deny who I am, I'm back!" Remember, someone else might read your message and actually be encouraged. If stopping didn't turn out to be a viable option for you; you have an obligation to tell others your "final chapter."

Peace and Love, Joanie

Yes, I understand the topic has probably been talked to death and I don't take offense at criticism if it is constructive, but it would be nice if people actualy read the entire piece in context, instead of being defensive when they read the word quit. I suspect some didn't. Cheryl, I did acknowledge that some felt a "biological" urge . I was not addressing those people but rather I was addressing those people who in various threads who indicated THEY WANTED TO QUIT. Just like some alcoholics would like to quit boozing , some folks here would like to give up dressing--I believe i even read Karren Hutton saying she would not mind if it all went away (perhaps in jest).
I did not say I WAS GIVING IT UP, but merely was making suggestions for those WHO DID WANT TO GIVE IT UP. ( I know, stop shouting). I did say there was a difference between biological need and desire to dress. I also acknowledged that because people quit dressing, the desire doesn't naturally disappear. But it is still possible to quit. I just don't believe that people ultimately have so little self control they are not able to do what is necessary for their own or their family's wellbeing.
I do apologize for the title but if I had said people quitting, I'm sure most readers would have passed this up.
The point I was trying to make is that there are some people who dress out of whim and fancy and not for any biological or psychological reason--they dress because they like to or dress becasue they want to startle the world or whatever. Their feminine side is non-existant. It's is just for the hell of it.
We may not be alone, but that doesn't mean that we are all the same!
Some people read for pleasure, some read to be smart asses, and still some other for whatever reason.
Everyone does not have to be transgendered. Sissystephanie has said over and over that he simply enjoys dressing--woman on the outside, all man on the inside. No lurking female, no feminine sensibilities. Just for the pleasure. The counter argument falls flat becasue it would insist that everyone who listens to music wants to be, or is a hidden musician. Nonsense.
Unfortunately, those who responded were not the ones I was addressing. You took offense where none was meant.
Mandrake out of water

Busker, I can only agree with you! Most of the respondents apparently did not read your entire first post. Although I did find fault with your title, your reasoniong was very sound.

And you are correct. I dress entirely for the fun of it. There is no desire to become a woman, even though in the past I have passed as one with my late wife's help! She enjoyed us doing that, and since I got to dress I did not mind.

I do believe that if one has the willpower, you can stop dressing, smoking, etc. I know I can because, as I said in my earlier post, I did! Actually I stopped two things, smoking when I was in college and dressing as I mentioned. Yes, I am dressing now because it is fun!! No other reason. In truth I do have some feminine tendencies, but I happen to think that all men do to some degree. They are just stronger in some men. For example, I am quite a bit more sensative to some things then most of my friends. Does that make me a TG or a TS? I don't think so. It just makes me a more sensative man! Do your own thing and don't worry about it!

I agree with your premise that a person can quit if they want to and if all the underlying reason(s) why someone is crossdressing are identified and addressed. However, I think that for many of us, the real reason(s) might not ever be determined.

Also, just because someone stops crossdressing, that does not mean that they are not a crossdresser any more. I stopped smoking almost 30 years ago and according to my doctor, I am an ex-smoker. I will never, ever be a non-smoker. I stopped crossdressing for a number of years awhile ago but that didn't mean that all of my knowledge about fashion and makeup disappeared. I still empathized with women who had a run in their pantyhose. My crossdressing past changed me enough that I will always be a crossdresser no matter what I am wearing (and whether I like it or not...).

I don't have a problem if someone wants to quit... However, it is a long and sometimes difficult journey.

Robyn P.

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Originally Posted by Krista1985

Crossdressing is not a biological function and therefore not essential to survival. If I had to quit for (insert any suitably important reason here) I would go on living. Drawing breathe, pumping blood, growing hair and of course pooping.

But the thought and appeal would always be there, even if the clothes were no longer available. The fact that I am not acting on the impulse would probably cause me distress too. So while abstaining from the act of dressing would not affect my biological survival, my mental well-being and stability would be taking a heck of a hard hit for team me.

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My brain "wiring" is non-standard. We know this from my medical experiences at the macro level; and we know that my non-standard wiring does not match the common paths from observation of the effects of the various drugs on me: my doctor put it approximately as "there is something in your brain that is resisting standard treatments". On the other hand, the more openly I cross-dress and become blended-gendered, the better I am medically, even down to the blood-test level. This doesn't prove that my brain gender wiring is non-standard, but the correlation is far far too strong to be ignored.

Mind/body interaction is a biological function, and in me the evidence is highly suggestive that not cross-dressing greatly affects my physical health. I could probably pause, but over time the health effects would build up again, almost certainly making me sick again. Though, it is a fair question as to whether it is the actual dressing or the internal and external presentation of female-ness. I'm not sure how one would decide that, short of sufficient surgery as to look distinctly female even while wearing male clothes.

I suppose it would be possible to stop CDing. I quit smoking "cold turkey" as well and I didn't find it that hard. But I know I would never want to stop dressing, because I absolutely love it. I actually want to increase my CDing. I want to live full time as a woman. I've made myself a promise that on the day I retire that from that day onward I'll never wear another item of male clothing, and I fully intend to keep it.

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Originally Posted by busker

......Thoughts anyone?......

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"CD on the verge of a nervous breakdown"

Busker, you hook us into your serious thread with an admittely false title and then you are giving advice on how to quit. The most advice anyone on this forum can give, is like being an armchair quarterback. If someone is serious about stoping they need to go to an appropiate source to get advice. #1 would be a professional therapist. #2 would be a forum or group that caters to that mindset. They are out there. Cd.com is not an appropiate place.

It's certainly OK to talk about it here. I have supported those who have wanted to quit, but I just don't see how members of an ice skating team can give serious advice on how to be a football quarterback or linebacker.

What do you mean by 'stop'? There's a whole lot of difference between the desire to stop dressing for good, and stopping for a period of time. I stopped smoking ciggies last week and started again on the weekend. I had previously quit when I was 21 and didn't smoke anything for 22 years, then started again after a week in amsterdam, keen to reacquaint myself with the local greenery. I'm not sure if analogising crossdressing with smoking is that helpful; yes there's an addictive quality to the quest for clothing, but you don't get lung damage from an over indulgence in lingerie.

I have to say, I'd like to see the field data behind your 3 lesson approach before signing up. You mention, like practically every other honey on the site, that you started early, stopped, started, and restarted. You're most likely here because you can't make much sense of it either. We're all, to some degree or other trying to figure out the stopping and starting, where the boundaries are, what's possible, what's not.

Sure you can stop, for a while. But it's a bit like holding down an inflated balloon in a bucket of water. Stopping's not the problem. It's coping with the constraint in our hearts when we do, the letting go of resentment, the need to express our female sides in complex conditions.

I have gone through many thoughts of starting and stopping. I one time thought if I found the right woman in my life I would not need to cross dress anymore because I thought I just needed more femininity in my life, well that didn't work. I am still in the closet with my wife but working on that (that is a topic for another thread). However after reading all these posts I had two thoughts 1) one would have to have a reason to stop dressing, like Nazi's or King Herod will kill all known crossdressers, or a personal belief that you are doing something wrong or something else perhaps. this I think needs to be answered first. 2) My second thought was that if I was trapped on a desert island I would probably make a bra out of coconut halves and live as a girl desperately looking for a way to shave, I love being a girl and don't want to quit, just wish the world didn't look at us like we are freaks, I think that that is where most of our problems come from.

Almost EVERYONE on this forum has tried to quit at one time or another. And yet, here they all are. "Purging" is such a common experience that everyone knows all about it.

Is it possible to quit? I guess so. But we don't hear from the ones who quit, because there are gone. It's kinda hard to come on a CDing forum and say, "Well, I quit". Yeah RIGHT. So what are you doing here? The group experience is overwhelmingly on the side of you can't quit. No how, no way. Resist for a while if you can, But quit? Not very likely. No matter HOW many times they have "quit", everyone here is back here.

Lovies,
Stephenie

I have been tringto figuer my self out for a long time, and more info is alwasy better.
did you allsee the way to make a fetish ? just stick an image infrot of a guy ..let him overdose on endorphins (if you know what i mean) and a few of those ..fetish imbeded in the head. then thers is the whats not to like? everything about liking women runs with the clothes with none of the bitching...gee I dont understand the alure LOL

We're all different. People should do what they think is right, what makes them happy ;)

BTW I've never purged, ever. Plus I've never "quit" for any period of time. I had the thought to purge one time after I almost got caught :p Never heard about it until I got to this site. I am what I am, whatever that is! ;)

While I've not been a smoker and so can't appreciate fully how difficult it must be to kick the habit the number of ex-smokers who've responded to this thread has me thinking that there's no shortage of will-power to stop unhealthy habits among CDers. So the members here could stop if they wanted to and no doubt would if the consequences were dire enough (house storming bigots or something). That said, there's nothing unhealthy about CDing that I can see. If your SO accepts it and you understand the potential social consequences than there's a lot of benefit to dressing- it just feels good like exercising, talking with friends, kissing your SO. The social consequences are just a temporal thing which will decline the more of us are in a position to be outward about our actions.

I cant even begin to count the number of friends I have had that TRIED to quit, me included. Yet, we always come back! Honestly, I dont know of a single one that quit and stayed quit. Only those that manged to stay away, for a while.

I also agree with, once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. Even in the decade that I managed to stay away from it. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT! I was looking at girls things, and thinking about what they would be like to wear. Checking out magazines and what others' were wearing. I hear the same from my friends, acquaintances, and even here. It may be possible, but highly unlikely.

:2c:

I can see why you would want to quit smoking because it's bad for you!
I have never smoked but a friend of mine does and every time i ask him why he doesn't quit he says because he enjoys it!
Well i enjoy crssdressing so why would i want to quit it's not bad for me and as long as i don't offend or upset anyone why quit?
The question is why do so many of you think you should quit? :)

Hierarchy of needs.

Sure, it is not oxygen, it's not water, food, shelter or clothing (oh damn, it IS clothing!) so it is not needed for survival.

But survival is a pretty bloody low standard.

If survival is all you expect from life, then one should assume that you would be equally happy living in a cave as you would in a Madison Ave. penthouse. But something tells me that most of us don't willingly live like Ted Kazinsky for a reason. We want more out of life than mere survival.

We want to thrive.

In order to thrive there are needs that go beyond survival. Safety, love, trust, vulnerability, among many others - including for some of us, the opportunity to wear something frilly from time to time, are all things that we need to thrive, to live full, healthy, fulfilling lives.

There are lots of people who have given up lots of things that are supposedly "unessential" and it doesn't make them happier people. Giving up something that brings you joy just because you have been duped into thinking that it is bad, or perverted, or evil, or dirty, or wrong or whatever else you have been hoodwinked into believing will not bring you joy. A better idea would be to give up believing that external things make you bad.

Will it kill you if you "quit?" No, of course not, but it won't make your life better either. It won't make you a healthier person, and it won't make you happier. But by all means, "quit" if you feel like it will make you feel better.

It's not that you can't "stop" it's that the very motivation for stopping is, at best, misguided.

So, are you a CD on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or do you just plan on taking up smoking again?!? :eek:

Probably like many, I fantasised about being a women at about 12 years old. It was the first sexual thought that I can remember.

I wore my mums clothes, and really liked it.

I then did not really crossdress for more than 20 years. I started again at about the age of 40 more seriously - I think to deal with stress and to release some of my heavily repressed anarchic tendancy, which was being crushed by the conservative company I work for (although they have Diversity and Inclusivity coming out of every HR pore - ha, yeah, right).

My wife is a tomboy, and we have been together since we were teenagers. She does not do girlie things, cannot get to grips with coffee mornings and refuses to shop for anything unless hungry. I am the opposite. I am ENFP using Myers-Briggs, she is ISTJ (ie dead opposite, Dilbert grade). I am the working engineer, she is the homemaker (she has a Masters in Engineering though). Its a terrible mistake, God is laughing somewhere.

I told her about me in the not too distant past. She always knew I was soft, but told me off for being too aggressive in public (compensating). I then told her I was giving up on the he-man thing, and was going to shave my body etc. She thought this a bit of an over-reaction to her advice, but has got used to it more-or-less.

My repost that she is also a crossdresser, and always has been (but gets away with it being thin, blond and pretty) falls on stony ground.

She likes me not being grumpy, taking her to the ballet etc, so as long as I don't come home with a boyfriend, it should be OK. I actually wouldn't mind a boyfriend to talk to as my wife is no use whatsover on the makeup front - she doesn't own any.

I know for certain that I cannot change my personality. I can easily stop dressing up, but it makes me happier, so I won't. Issues like telling my friends still loom a bit, but most of them are probably closet gays anyway (one has had a sex change - do I attract these people, is it hormonal?).

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Originally Posted by Hope

If survival is all you expect from life, then one should assume that you would be equally happy living in a cave as you would in a Madison Ave. penthouse.

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... and one should assume that you would be equally happy living in an heavily abusive relationship, as long as the other(s) don't damage you too much to be able to eat and eliminate.

... and one should assume that those cross-dressers and transsexuals who committed suicide did so because.... ummm? urrr, because they found themselves choking to death on some food and figured that slashing their wrists or hanging themselves would be a faster way to get it over with? If the theory is that it's all about the most basic biological necessities (food, breathing, excreting, and a place in a livable temperature range), then the theory has to suppose that the suicides are seriously deficient in one of those basic necessities, and that their emotions and interactions with other people had nothing to do with their decision to end their life.

If you can explain the high suicide rate in pre-op transsexuals in terms of food/ air/ a physically survivable environment, then I might be willing to give more serious consideration to the possibility that since cross-dressing isn't a "biological necessity", that anyone can stop.

I agree with those who have said that just because one stops dressing doesn't mean (s)he is no longer TG. It might or might not, depending on a person's reasons for doing it in the first place. At the same time, I also agree with Busker that for the majority of us, quitting would not be nearly as difficult or traumatic, let alone impossible, as most make it out to be. What's more, there are a number of valid reasons for quitting, should anyone be faced with them, and they aren't nearly as dramatic as stormtroopers or impending death. And for most of us, it's just a self-serving myth that there is no downside to CDing.

So here's the thing. We're no different than the general population in that the majority of us lead normal lives, make responsible choices, keep things in perspective and under control, arrive at some sort of balance with all this, etc etc. A smaller subset of us really have no choice in the matter of gender expression, they truly are transsexual or whatever you want to call it. The problem is, there are also those among us who are obsessive/compulsives, probably fetishist but rarely truly TG, and their self-serving rationalizing knows no bounds. They're willing to place everything in their lives at risk for their compulsion and they seize upon any language that justifies it. The "quitting is impossible" talk is pure smack for their irrational, irresponsible behavior.

Truth is, there are those among us who probably do need to quit for real. I see them posting here nearly every day and I always wince when I think that we might be reinforcing their craziness. So I just want to join Busker in saying that the human spirit is capable of anything, and usually it's not as hard as we think it will be. I for one have faced many harder things in life than putting away the skirts and high heels. Way harder.

Of course, I didn't always do so voluntarily. :o

I quit smoking cold turkey as you did. I never started back up because I knew how harmful they are. My reason to make it. I never tried to quit dressing but if I did I would probable start back up because there is no harmful effect in dressing. However, there may be a harmful effect if I try to stop. Phsoligical as it may be, I'd go nuts if I couldn't dress.

It's deeper than fetish or identity. It can be both. Also, I can stop anytime I want. I can also be anxious and depressed from suppressing it the rest of my life.

I get the impression that you think all addictions affect people in the same way. I get this impression by reading how you stopped smoking. Smoking never really appealed to me, niether did crack. On the other hand alcohol and opiates are an entirely different ball game. My point here is that different things may effect individuals in different ways. I say this as a recovering alcoholic.
Smoking, drugs and alcohol offer a very strong incentive to stop and that is the threat of death or in the case of the latter two potential imprisonment.

Cross Dressing is not illegal, and niether does it threaten death or injury to my body. I do not think it is an addiction for all those who cross dress. I am not willing to say the same thing for me. My fascination with drinking and drugs and dressing go back as far as I can remember, but it would be ridiculous of me to suggest, that because I am an addict, all Cders must be similarly afflicted.

I agree with the questions others have posed; what kind of effect would it have on my psychologically if I could not dress? Nothing good in my opinion. In saying that I am still coming to terms with my dressing, not so much because it is wrong, but because of what society implies about what a man should be.

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Originally Posted by busker

Mandrake out of water.

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From what I've read, tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're just trying to deal with a boatload of self-loathing. There's a comparison somewhere in there to quitting smoking, which is apples and oranges to crossdressing (considering crossdressing doesn't cause cancer), and a heavy overtone that seems to indicate you feel this is an addiction or disease and not a characteristic.

If you feel it's not right for you anymore, or it's gotten out of control, please get some help. Identify your needs and goals and formulate a plan to fulfill them. There are groups and people that can help you along your way and, I agree, you are in control of yourself and you can stop your behaviors if you dislike them.

However, if you're just feeling guilty because of social or spiritual pressures, you need to find a healthy way of coping with those feelings. Understanding that you are who you are and that there's nothing wrong with that is the first step, and the hardest. That's why sites like this exist; so that you have some place to reach out to in times of need with your feelings of isolation.

As such, I will make you, and everyone else, an offer. Please feel free to contact me privately, if you would like to. I am young, yes, but I am also quite understanding and open-minded. I won't judge those that need an ear.

Either way, take care. I hope you find the answers you're looking for somewhere in here.

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Originally Posted by sandra-leigh

If you can explain the high suicide rate in pre-op transsexuals in terms of food/ air/ a physically survivable environment, then I might be willing to give more serious consideration to the possibility that since cross-dressing isn't a "biological necessity", that anyone can stop.

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Word.