Do You Have The Courage...

Do you have the courage to be yourself. I was once in that fearful place that I see so many on this board in. Statements like - "I could never do that" "My circumstances do not permit me too." "I am deeply in the closet" "my SO will not permit me to." and so the list goes.

It took a lot of introspection and I know that for most it is not an easy process nor is it one not fraught with much fear and angst, but looking back on my own personal journey I can see now through much more mature eyes than I had back in 2004 when I first joined this board, that the only path that I could have travelled and remained sane and happy was the one that I took which involved doing all the things that I said that I could not do - tell my spouse, join a cross dresser support group, go out in public, build a wardrobe etc.

I realize now looking back on all of this that all it really takes is having the courage to face those fears and do it any way. There can be big consequences for being yourself and standing your ground but the pay offs, the benefits, at least for me, far outweigh all of the pain and trouble that I went through to get here. I am living my life on my terms now, I call the shots and I choose the path and I am so much happier now.

I live the life I want, I grow in the way that I need to, I dress the way that I want to, I have a girlfriend who loves me just as I am.

This Christmas I got together with my kids, who know about this part of me, and I dressed fully femme for their visit. They still treated me as they always have, as their Dad, with love and enjoyment of being together. It brings me great joy and happiness to know that the ones that matter in my life in its current form accept me just as I am. That is all that I want and all that everyone should be able to expect.

I say this to hopefully inspire other sisters on this board to stop making excuses and start living your life true to yourself. You can make all sorts of reasons up why it cannot work but in the end you just have to make those small steps towards being true to yourself and you will feel so much better for it.

Melissa

Terrific post Melissa. You show that the world won't come to a screeching halt when you "come out". You show that your kids, when given the chance, will still be the same kids and you the same Dad. I hope at least one person will read that and say, you know she's absolutely right. You can't go backwards in life. They don't give re-rides. You should never regret something that makes you smile. Thanks Melissa

For a lot of other people there may be more considerations that they take into account. Other live involved wives,kids,SO's. Soeme don't just want to walk away from their responsibilities,which I find as commendable as those brave enough to face that "unknown".

Melissa that is very inspiring. I hope there are those that will undertake your ideas or at least move a step forward. We understand that some cannot change from the position thier in due to unexcepting wives or other reasons. It may still help those that only have the fear built in. Many of the ladies here that have come out to thier wives have found the wives extremely acceptable and have now found thier new best friends in them.

Some peoples courage equates to others stupidity.. Personally I enjoy being a liar and a cheater.. Just adds something else to a boreing life... The truth is not the be all and end all solution to everyones problems.. Expecially with out hobby..

I commend you for your determination Melissa. Being true to yourself is important, as long as you remember those closest to you...which it seems you have. :) As my gg friend has often said to me..."everyone should be allowed to live the life they want to."

I am glad that being truthful worked out for you.

For me, it is not a matter of courage. Besides my own situation, there are too many other people that could be affected since I am a fairly well known person.

There are no one size fits all answers in life.

Hi Melissa

I wish I could be true to who I feel I am inside but there are a lot of narrow minded people in the world. I feel desperate, trapped and scared, although I have one advantage in that my girlfiend has always accepted me but she doesn't want other people to know.

How have other people reacted, I suppose I don't care much what people think of me but worry how they will react.

We are who we are for a reason. Getting in touch with ourselves and our feelings puts us ahead of the game compared to most people. As you say, having the courage to be ourselves is a huge step in doing that.:)

I agree that there is no one size fits all for anything, however, I am just making the point, and this is true not only of what we do but of anything in your life, that I believe that you will in the long run be happiest in life (most people for the most part) if you are true to yourself. I know that I was absolutely miserable until I reached that critical realization in my own life and while I cannot trivialize all of the problems that being true to myself created and I am certainly not an unknown quantity within my community, I found that being true to myself was an important turning point for me and for the most part the things that I feared, the reasons that I created for not doing it for so long have been echoed here already in some of the replies to the thread.

Each of us has to decide to do whatever we are willing and prepared to take the consequences of. Personally, I reacheda point in life where I could no longer not be me.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, I accept and appreciate all responses and points of view. That is how we learn, by listening to what others have to say, we do not have to agree we just need to be open to considering other possibilities.

Huggs
Melissa

I am happy that everything has worked out for you!

Please remember though, that everyone's situation is different. What is possible for one person may be impossible for another. I feel it is a selfish act to put one's preceived personal happiness ahead of the happiness of their loved ones. I personally would hate to think that I am making one of my loved ones unhappy by doing what makes me happy. When a crossdresser states that they can't do this or that for what ever reason, it's very real to them. They have evaluated their need for happiness versus the needs of their family, friends and career, and have made their decision.

Some crossdressers would have their careers completely destroyed if they lived they way they prefered. Laws and company policy are irrelevant. It's public perception that really matters, and that won't change any time soon.

As with life, crossdressing is a balancing act. The balance point is different for each of us.

For me when I started dressing...actually, before I even put on the first article of clothing, whatever that piece was... involved me going to my wife and saying "You know what I want to try"?....so for me there was a bit of trust in being open to her, communication in conveying the "why" I wanted to do this "dressing enfemme" idea and also respect to discuss with her what she felt about it....

Now I'm not saying that everything went smooth with it, because it didn't...to the point that she was "hot and cold" on my dressing as it progressed and this led to some major problems...including us splitting up briefly....but in the end it also led us back to each other and an acceptence of each other's needs, so for now it's working...and now it's even leading to us trying a business selling items for the CD/TG community....

Bottom line is this was the best way for us to work through this situation and it seems to have worked for us. It may or may not work for others, but what i have learned from being around this forum for almost two years now is communicating with your spouse or SO is key to making things work for the best as well as taking into consideration their feelings and concerns with the dressing issues....

JMHO here....

Stephanie

The critical piece of the puzzle is embracing our humanity. Once we do that, being this, that or the other thing is pretty much a formality.;):)

For some, it takes courage to come out. For others, it takes courage not to, and learn to live with it. I know, it's so easy to think that the rest of us who don't come out are just scared. But you know what? I don't care. It's not just courage, it's intelligence to make the right decision, based on all the knowledge available. Being a crossdresser isn't all that I am. I have a lot of other interests that I'd rather burn energy, time and money on than dealing with all the 'little problems' that can crop up if I decide to come 'out'. I don't want to go to crossdresser meetings to discuss the political climate involving crossdressing. I don't want to spend hours on make up and shopping. I certainly don't want to spend time trying to explain crossdressing to endless numbers of people, no matter how many of you think we need to educate the public.
No, I have the courage to say 'NO', I'm not going to make my life all about my crossdressing.

It is many things to many of us...each different in every way shape form or manner...for each of us approaches our dressing in a singularity unique to each of us...as a single fiber is part of the tapestry that makes up CDing/TGing....

For some live it 24/7 others live it out in the open at various times during the day, week or months and for some its simply within the home or when we are alone....

Some of us are OK with it while others fret over this "secret" to great deal of anguish....but we are all living the Cding/transgendering lifestyle to a degree that we want. So are there while others are on a journey to reach god only knows where we'll end up...but collectively we seek out each other's thoughts opinions, and feelings to use as a measuring device of where we are where we're going and who we will become....Is it confusing???? at times for all of us it is...but then for some of us we find clear vision and this leads to acceptence and peace from with in...

One thing seems constant....once we step into this lifestyle it is almost impossible to step back out of it....and step back to where we were before we step into dressing...I'm not sure if that's because we're where we want to be or we are trapped within this lifestyle and can't get out....

I remember something that happened to me way back in the mid-1970's. I was going to go dressed femme along with my wife to a meeting with some other crossdressers at a local motel. As we were leaving the house, my wife went to the car first and then I hesitated at the door looking around frantically to make sure none of the neighbors were around. I then ran and jumped in the car, looking very nervous. My wife was a bit annoyed at my uncharacteristic behavior and said, "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." That simple admonition made a huge difference in my attitude. She was absolutely right. I needed to not let fear paralyze my actions.

Whether you choose to go out en femme, or to stay inside, it's better for you if the motivation behind that choice is not fear. Courage is doing the right thing, even when you are scared.

It would be a great thing is a "Fairly well known person" came out as a CD. It would lend creditability to who we are. Us who are not well known don't make much of a ripple.

I too respect, admire and envy those of you that had the courage to step outside the spaceship.

If I was still married and felt a constant frustration or loss from hiding in the closet...who knows...but
I have rarely been frustrated, lonely, angry or any of those other emotions that shorten your life, for very long. I always find a way to be happy.

I live alone but am never lonely, dress every day (self-employed), do whatever I want...whenever I want so...

There is really no reason to commit "social suicide" right now.

Once again thanks for all of your wonderful replies.

I do understand that everyone's situation is different and therefore each must choose what they are prepared to do or not do. I posted this thread to get discussion going on the matter and speak of how I went from (there is no way that I could ever do this to this being my lifestyle because that is who I really am). Through the whole process I did consider others in the equation, in fact for 10 years after I came out to my ex wife I considered her and the children. I held it inside until I was so sick that I was heading down a very fatal path. It was my father's death that woke me up and made me realize that I served no one if I was destroying myself in the process. This was not a selfish act but the only course of action for me. Selfishness would have had me deny it until I either died from the sickness I had created for myself from being so unhappy or I killed myself. Instead I chose the path that allowed me to still be a father and a provider to my children.

I do not dispute that there can be huge risks to doing this and quite frankly I went through a great deal of physical, emotional and financial pain through this process and yet I know it was the right thing to do for everyone because now we can all heal.

I see so many souls out there in pain, like I was many years ago and I hope that talking about what I went through might help others who are either ready to move to the next level or realize like I did that there was no other choice. I was certainly inspired to step further down the path based on the stories I reads about others.

Huggs
Melissa

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Some peoples courage equates to others stupidity.. Personally I enjoy being a liar and a cheater.. Just adds something else to a boreing life... The truth is not the be all and end all solution to everyones problems.. Expecially with out hobby..

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I've just got to say that your attitude, perspective and approach toward life Karren ~ just cracks me up!

And to say Thanks, as I've always been one to worry about things that's not worth worrying about, or worrying about things you can't do anything about.

Because of you and your post here? I've adopted a more "What tha' Hell" approach and attitude toward life.

Thanks for showing me the way.

Very inspiring post. I think that with SO's, girlfriends, etc the truth is always the best approach. Not that coming out always goes smoothly or ends with a fairy tale ending, but being yourself has its own rewards. Especially if this allows you to dress in front of loved ones and still be accepted.

Life is a balance between freedom and order. We all must decide where to tip that scale.

Personally I believe that we should be true to ourselves, but not in a way that our freedom is gained at the cost of pain and suffering of others. An ethical code of conduct is not an easy thing, but it is essential to our true selves.

In that framework, I do believe that it is best to be honest and open with one's life partner from the beginning and at all times. Unfortunately, society has place many restrictions on us such that it would have been unthinkable for many to be open to their spouses 30 years ago. Also, there was very little help available and virtually no communication with what was an underground trans community for the most part. Thus, lives have been built and partnerships formed in a way that can make it very difficult to unravel the issues without disaster, and without the cost of pain and suffering to others. For those in this situation, my heart truly goes out to you. I hope you can all find a win/win situation to fulfill your lifelong vows and also the needs within you.

Lastly, once one's life partner is on board, it then gets even more complicated. Then our femme selves, like every part of us, is subject to the give and take of married life, and to the little compromises that make up a good and healthy marriage. We will not get "all we want" unless we look at the marriage connection as what we want.

It's not "all about me". In a marriage it's all about US.

just my :2c:

tina

I think this thread has just taken on a whole new meaning to me and I think I'm about to find out what courage is all about!!!!!

Once again, I'm on Karren's team on this issue, if that means I have to serve time in the penalty box, so be it........

Suzanne

It seems like all basically boils down to earning a living- the actual social consequences these days are less than years ago. So few of us know or are affected by neighbors etc. Unlike years ago, what the community thinks- unless we are self employed and rely on them for business- doesn't matter a whole lot anymore.

There's family of course but I think most of us have a very good idea of how they would react. It's very disheartening to read how many of us have to fear rejection from our families especially when I extend that intolerance to other things like having a gay child or relative, interracial marriage and so on. My family has all those things- they took some dealing with but there was never a question of raising walls among one another. It's oh so sad for me to think about situations like that.

Thank you for a wonderfully thought provoking thread Melissa.

It all comes down to simple honesty. Are we honest with ourselves? Are we honest with others? Of course honesty must be somewhat tempered with reason, how many men have regretted giving an honest answer to the question, "Does this make my butt look bigger?"
It takes courage to be honest, a lie often is the easiest way out of a situation but will often return to haunt one.

I appreciate all of the thoughtful input to this topic. I know that it is a challenge to make changes, especially in this area.

I want to wish you all great courage in 2010.

Huggs
Melissa

Hi Melissa,

I'm really glad that you shared your experience with us and that - in your case - everything went well for you.

Please do not take the following remarks as any sort of criticism or indeed anything other than my personal musings.

I am amongst those who say that - at the moment - I could not do what my heart most desires and for me that is true.

You encourage us to be true to ourselves, but who we are is made up of more than just one aspect of our lives - however important.

Who I am precludes me from taking any action that would destroy the life and beliefs of my father. At 87 he is incapable of coming to terms with my true nature, he cannot understand transgendered people and it would shatter him completely if I were to come out to him.

Should I be true to my transgender, or should I be true to that part of myself that loves and cherishes him and would not want to cause him pain and anguish in his later years?

Who I am precludes me from doing anything that would destroy the life and career of one of my close friends. Should I be true to my transgender and come out in public knowing that my enemies would use that to destroy my friend? Or should I be true to that part of me that holds dear the principle of "do nothing that you know will cause harm to others"?

I have a very small group of close personal friends who are my friends because of who I am not because of what they can get out of me. They tell me that one of the things that they like about me is that I have the courage to do what I know is right for others even when it costs me personally.

If I go ahead and follow my heart's desire, it will cause anguish to some and positive harm to others. Will I be being true to myself because I know that I am transgendered, or will I be betraying that aspect of myself which does what is right for others?

If being true to myself means destroying that which has made me who I am, to whom will I be true?

I don't have the answers right now, except to say that I cannot go full steam ahead as I would like because it would cause harm to those around me.

Hi Melissacd, I'm one of those people who have never came out. The only one that know I crossdress is my wife and the cd forum. There are many, many reasons why one cannot just come out. You could lose your marraige along with the house, kids, job etc. Yes I want to be myself, but I have to think about the what I could possibly loose. Each person has to decide what they are willing to give up before they decide to be themselves. Everyday, people go to work and have to decide it they have the courage to tell the boss to kiss it or wait until they are in the right position to do it. To some, its never the right time. Dose that make any sense to anyone?