FROM THE BACK OF THE CLOSET: Week 2 If You Could Go Back In Time

...and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness would you have told your spouse? This is a question probably more suited to those who have told with not alot of luck or those who are in the closet right now.

I have seen so many times said that since info was not available 10/20/30/40 years ago it was next to impossible to try to explain or even know this was something you would be doing this many years later. Also I see it said over and over that many guys thought they would have no desire and be able to quit once they got married. Of course that doesn't happen.

So if you could go back to the moment when you first met your wife and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self would you be able to be honest and lay all the cards on the table about who you are and what this means to you?

So many times I have seen women asked what if they knew before marriage, but I have never seen the questions asked of the guys if given the opportunity to be honest...would you?

Hugs
kathy in canada

Hey Kathy, I'm in the closet, and although I only am inclined to indulge my cd side about twice a year and am much less involved in it than many here, I believe it would crush my wife and end our marriage. I have no wish to put her (or me) through that. If I were as driven toward cding as some here, maybe I would feel differently.

if I was 25 years old and getting married today, and if I was a committed crossdresser, then yes, I would discuss it openly with my fiancee.

but I wasn't and wouldn't be a committed crossdresser at the age of 25. It took me 30 years to become comfortable with it in my own mind alone, and to be honest with myself.

too many ifs ................... sorry :o

Kathy,

The thing about crossdressing that made it the hardest before I came out to my wife was the fact that this was something I had to keep secret from everyone. I think this even meant keeping it secret from myself. The shame and guilt I felt whenever I dressed up really ate at me. After I told my wife and she accepted it, I was surprised by how much the desire to crossdress surged in me, and by the fact that it is an aspect of my personality that I want to keep. The freedom of not having to keep a secret from the most important woman in my life is very liberating. Now, the only secrets are the good ones -- what she will get from me for her birthday, what our daughter is planning as a surprise, etc.

However, I also feel some doubt. Yes, I had tried on some lingerie a few times before I was married, but I didn't know that the desire to dress as a woman, or to experience life as a woman, would grow in me. But even had I known, I would have been afraid of being rejected. My head tells me it would be the better thing to do -- better for the long-term of the marriage -- but it would have been hard.

Thanks for asking a thought-provoking question!
Nancy

Boy Kathy those are some good questions. I believe this. If I had opened up to my wife about being a crossdresser I wouldn't have three kids and three grandchildren and my present family. I did get caught by her years ago. Bad experience. I didn't know how to handle it and neither did she. She just didn't understand and I was so embarrassed all I wanted to do was say I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. I did promise to go see a shrink. I did and it was also a bad experience. My wife thought I was gay. I am not. So....many years later lots of purges and hiding stuff and still loving to dress here I am. I think she knows but we can't talk about it. Sometimes I feel all alone. One part of me wants her to know and the other part says "no". Wonder whats the best thing to do? I am glad I found this forum.

Thanks honey.
Suanne

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Originally Posted by kathy gg

...and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness would you have told your spouse? This is a question probably more suited to those who have told with not alot of luck or those who are in the closet right now.

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After dating for a period of time to be sure that the relationship was going to continue, i think that yes, i would have told her about it. But as i know now, my wife was very conservative and although i brought up the topic indirectly over the years, she thought it was a weird thing for men to do and 'not right'.

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I have seen so many times said that since info was not available 10/20/30/40 years ago it was next to impossible to try to explain or even know this was something you would be doing this many years later. Also I see it said over and over that many guys thought they would have no desire and be able to quit once they got married. Of course that doesn't happen.

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So true. I thought the same thing after i met my wife and got established in a relationship. All it did was to lead to more stress within myself and guilt because of the secret desires i held.

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So if you could go back to the moment when you first met your wife and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self would you be able to be honest and lay all the cards on the table about who you are and what this means to you?

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That's a tough one! I could say yes very easily because that seems to be the correct response. However, in practice, i don't know! Despite the way you phrase the question, its still a guess because its all theory. For me, I would have had to be convinced that she would actually accept the concept in principle (not total acceptance as such) before i laid bare my whole life to the judgement of another person.


Christine

[size=4]Hi Kathy,[/size]

[size=4]My wife and I met and married in 19 days so I don't think I had time to tell her, but even if I could have I don't think I would have as things were so different then. We got married in May 1966 and in the early part of the following year she caught me wearing her panties, nylons and suspender belt and although she was shocked she immediately accepted me for what I am and I have spent 39 relatively trouble free crossdressing years with her. If I had told her before we got married - who knows? morals and prejudices were so much tougher then, I don't think even she could give a straight answer to that one. This is a picture of me taken with her in the pub last night. (I'm the one on the right)[/size]

If I became single again I WOULD tell the unlucky lady before we got really serious. Would I redo everything with my present wife if given the chance.... I think so. Will I tell her after 30some years together.......not gonna happen unless I have to. I am 98% sure she would take it very badly.

Emily Ann

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Originally Posted by Toni

[size=4]My wife and I met and married in 19 days so I don't think I had time to tell her, but even if I could have I don't think I would have as things were so different then. We got married in May 1966 and in the early part of the following year she caught me wearing her panties, nylons and suspender belt and although she was shocked she immediately accepted me for what I am and I have spent 39 relatively trouble free crossdressing years with her. If I had told her before we got married - who knows? morals and prejudices were so much tougher then, I don't think even she could give a straight answer to that one. This is a picture of me taken with her in the pub last night. (I'm the one on the right)[/size]

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What a romantic story in so few words, just for you and your wife Toni :hugs:
P.S That is a very lovely picture of you both :)

If I knew now what I did not know then, I would tell her. But at the time I did not know how things would be. i had no idea that at age 48 I would be still wanting to dress and that it is really a part of who I am. But then again I know now that she does not like it and would probably not have married me if I had told her, So maybe I would have still not said anything. We will have been married 24yrs come Sunday and I think that she is surprised that we have made it till now since I told her a few months ago.

Though I have become more confidant of who I am as Stephenie, my wife is not a happy camper. And she will probably never find out about the name or how much My Male side and Stephenie are two sides of the same person and that Stephenie is the one she likes best. This is because she does not want to and does not what to understand.

My wife and I have been together for twenty four years. Actually, we aren't legally married but have been together for so long we don't feel we need to explain that to anyone. When we began living together I was not a crossdresser but for years I had always felt girls had such a variety of nice things to wear and often wondered what it would be like to be all dolled up and wear high heels. Being a girl seemed much nicer than being a guy. Of course I kept these thoughts to myself because as far I knew men who did this were gay. We had been together maybe two years when I told her I had these strange thoughts about dressing up. We were both confused and there were tears. In the end we both felt that this was some sort of phase and that if I dressed I'd feel silly and that would be the end of it. As we all know once it starts it never ends. Back then I had no idea where this was heading, none of us do.

This side of me has grown with my wife since day one and I have never had to hide anything from her. So your question of whether I would have divulged this before getting together doesn't apply to me but I do know that if I had the feelings and desires I have now way back then my guess is I probably would have hidden it like so many have. Right or wrong I guess it's just human nature to keep from being rejected.

Kathy,

Good question and one that I'm sure many of us have asked ourselves over and over again.

They KEY'S to the question you asked is in your phrasing:

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"and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness"

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AND

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"and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self".

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Considering that there are a lot of us here who are older CDs, back in our younger days there was hardly any information at all about crossdressing or transgenderism that was widely available. About the ONLY time you ever heard anything about it was when someone underwent SRS and it made the news. Christeen Jorgansen, Renae Richards, and a few others come to mind in this respect. But these were all transsexuals and not necessarily crossdressers. At that point in time sex-change surgery was very new and even more controversial than it is in the present day and time. With all the controversy surrounding these people, anything that indicated that a person was "gender variant" was almost ALWAYS automatically associated with that person being transsexual.

IF we all had the information available to us THEN that we have now, I think a lot of us would have opted to try to come out to our girlfriends/fiancé's before we got really serious and tied the proverbial knot together. It's just a guess, but I would think that there would have been a lot more happier marriages TODAY if we'd had the ability to understand (somewhat) and explain ourselves as best we could back then. On top of that we would have the knowledge that we WEREN'T the only guy in the world who enjoyed 'wearing femininity' for a while and that there were litterally tens of thousands just like us. And if THAT knowledge was available and known to society in general it's possible that we would be more widely accepted in today's world.

We all know that carrying around a secret such as the one we all have kept to ourselves all our lives is a heavy burden to bear. It also prevents us from being our WHOLE self to those we care the most about and hence prevents us from exposing much of our 'softer side' into our personality in daily living. This side of our personality is actually a big part of who we are and unbeknowing to our wives/girlfriends is one of the aspects that most of them found attractive to us in the first place. Most of us are successful in keeping this side hidden, but it STILL spills over somewhat into the personality we display on a daily basis.

Sorry to ramble here, but I figured you wanted a good answer to your question. and the REASONING behind it. So, yes, I think I'd be laying it all out on the table. HOPEFULLY she would have the same information about it that I would have and be able to see it in a different light than she does at the current time.

Dixie - http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Hi Julie

Umm, well you say you are not as motivated, but really if you reading a message board to some extent every week, in my thoughts, you are still a cd. Maybe not as active as some, but my feelings are that even if you think about it to some extent every day, that counts for some form of 'activity'.


I think if someone is still struggeling with this with-in themself it is probably not wise to come out to an SO. You have to acept this as a part of who you are before it can be shared in a positive light.

I hope 20 years from now you are in a better mental place with this.

Hugs
kathyin canada

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Originally Posted by sportschick

Hey Kathy, I'm in the closet, and although I only am inclined to indulge my cd side about twice a year and am much less involved in it than many here, I believe it would crush my wife and end our marriage. I have no wish to put her (or me) through that. If I were as driven toward cding as some here, maybe I would feel differently.

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hey Crispy I understand, that many years ago it was very difficlut to explain this in any way that an SO could find info or a good support structure.

I know, alot of 'if's. I jsut wanted to know if given what you know now , would telling and being honest be any higher on the 'to do' list prior to marriage committments or not?

So far it seems by many of the responses that even if everyone was in a good mental place back then and was armed with that knowledge and the words to express what they needed, many would still choose secrecy over truth....

makes me sad....

hugs
kathy in canada

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Originally Posted by crispy

if I was 25 years old and getting married today, and if I was a committed crossdresser, then yes, I would discuss it openly with my fiancee.

but I wasn't and wouldn't be a committed crossdresser at the age of 25. It took me 30 years to become comfortable with it in my own mind alone, and to be honest with myself.

too many ifs ................... sorry :o

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I have thought of this a lot, had I known that there were more girls like me out there and the depth of my feelings, I doubt that I would have married and had children. Not sure what my relationships would have looked like, but would have wanted to be more femme 24/7 I suspect.

Tiff

You said:
That's a tough one! I could say yes very easily because that seems to be the correct response. However, in practice, i don't know! Despite the way you phrase the question, its still a guess because its all theory. For me, I would have had to be convinced that she would actually accept the concept in principle (not total acceptance as such) before i laid bare my whole life to the judgement of another person.


Hi Christine


Thanks for giving such an honest answer.

You are right, I (foolishly) had hoped that if given all of what each person knows now about how important this is, how such an integral part of the peson you are, that each person would have said they would have been honest.

But silly me ...

Everytime a guy has told a girl he has dated and he gets dumped, I am quick to say that he is better off becuase now he is just closer to finding a woman who will love 'all' parts of who he is. Of course you can almost hear the collective groan from every other cd who has shared this to less than steller results. And given the not so great success rate that telling brings about I do understand why lying/hiding/secrecy are going to always be the safer gamble than full disclosure and honesty.

I just just hoped that if everyone had had the choice to do it all over again (knowing all the tough times destined to happen) they would have choosen a different road with their SO....


hugs
kathy in canada

Hmmm tricky one to answer, to say hi my name is ****** I would like to wear your dress dont think would work too well as a chat up line.
I did however slowly admit to my girlfriend as she was at the time that I liked to wear some of her things. I dont recall dressing fully before marriage, mainly because I had not done it myself but also because we did not have a lot of money. As I made more money I bought more, learned how to look a little better and slowly became this whatever that is my other me.
My wife does not like what I do but accepts it, she even sometimes gives helpfull comments like, that looks stupid or like the top hey is that skirt mine.
I think we have both learned to cope with what I think of as my hobby I guess we sort of developed it together.

Toni,

I think since you have a happy ending you are pretty much excused from this question..

Hugs

kathy in canada

ps..glad it all worked out..


:thumbsup:

Stephanie,

I think to those who are saying that even if given the opportunity to tell (armed with self confidence and knowledge) they would not have, because it appears in most cases everyone would not have wanted any other life than the one they have with their SO.

And REALLY that is AWESOME. That means that sharing life with your SO, no matter how unaccepting, is still better than having a life with a completely diferent destiny Actually, I think it is more romantic now than sad. I think it means that the guys on here are really in LOVE with thier SO.

Pat yourself on the back for that. 25 years and still into the same person is pretty amazing for todays standards! I hope your wife knows how much you love her. because to me this is looking like the ultimate expression of love...

hugs
kathy in canada

ps..scrap all that stuff I said about 'sad' this means you guys really, really, really, love your wives

and that makes me much more happier!

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Originally Posted by Stephenie

If I knew now what I did not know then, I would tell her. But at the time I did not know how things would be. i had no idea that at age 48 I would be still wanting to dress and that it is really a part of who I am. But then again I know now that she does not like it and would probably not have married me if I had told her, So maybe I would have still not said anything. We will have been married 24yrs come Sunday and I think that she is surprised that we have made it till now since I told her a few months ago.

Though I have become more confidant of who I am as Stephenie, my wife is not a happy camper. And she will probably never find out about the name or how much My Male side and Stephenie are two sides of the same person and that Stephenie is the one she likes best. This is because she does not want to and does not what to understand.

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:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :)

[SIZE=3]If I had known then what I know now and the surgical techniques of today were available then, I would not have married. I would have lived as a woman, including the hormones and SRS. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]TiffTG
Sorry I got your name wrong! Please forgive me?[/SIZE]

I would tell her without a doubt.....but she has told me that had i told her....she would not have married me. round and round the merry-go-round we go and where it stops nobody knows. still, i would have told her even if it meant a big slap in the face and being called a pervert (which is what it was back then). sigh.....

real good question. my answer would be Id do it the same way that I did. i told my wife on our first date....she took it rather well. She went to my house took all my guy underware and burned them. Said that if this is the way i wanted to be then I would have to wear the "p" word 24/7 from here on out. Been 7 years now.... :)

I'm one of those who did "lay the cards on the table" way back then. Knowing what I do now just reinforces the correctness of that decision. My wife and I have been married for 36 years. We have had many discussions over the years about boundary issues (when and where crossdressing is OK), but on the whole she is very supportive. Contrary to popular opinion, there was info available about crossdressing in the late 60's. It was not very complete, sometimes misleading, and hard to find, but it was there.

knowing what i know now yes i would have layed the cards on the table...trouble is back then i did not have a clue as to who or what i was ...it was always something that i could not explane that would get suppressed and out of nowere come back with a vengence....so yes and god the trouble it would have saved....

Hello. I think I need a second shot at this. I have been thinking about this thread alot since yesterday and I have been having some flash backs. Years ago being a cd was different then today in many ways, mind you not all but many ways. I think one of the biggest is being able to share via the net. Agreed? Many good things have come from being able to identify with others of like minds. I really feel different about being a cd then I did even 5 years ago. I know who I am and where I am going with this thing. That in itself gives me pleasure and freedom. I didn't have that in the 70's. I don't want to get anyones pan....woops undies in a bind, just some of us who lived during the earlier days can probably agree on this. So.....again tell my wife all about myself......not. She was around those years also and I already know what the answer will be. The same one I got years ago. Her reply was "you need help". My reply today is yes dear I do mostly with what color I can put on my lips today or what color nylons look best. I do love her very much, but I am on my own on this one.

Love, Suanne :)

I told my wife shortly after marriage. She was understanding, but not exactly thrilled with it. Now 97 yrs later) the issue is really that she doesn't want to see or have our sons see me dressed, which is ok since I don't fell the need to do it often. She is worried that it will grow and grow, but I assured her of my own limits and since we are both level-headed I am sure we will be able to work through any issues. She does understand dressing will not just go away, so I am glad I told her then.


Christina

Absolutely, I'd've told her at the earliest possible time. Not because I know she's accepting today, BUT because by sharing something so vulnerable and intimate with her, it would've strengthened our relationship earlier on. :love:

I think it would've made her feel more secure about herself, too. She would have benefitted more than me, but I also would've been able to dress more, and purge less, too! ;)

I asked a girl to marry me and she said yes but shortly after backed out of the relationship stating that she could not envision living with a transvestite.I told after approx two years into the relationship and proposed at the four year mark. :(
When I started the relationship with my current s/o I told her approx four months into the relationship.She was far more understanding and play-full concerning my dressing.Last may11 we celebrated our 21'st year together and have never had an argument.
So the answer is yes I would tell right away.Grieve over the one who left and love the one who stayed. :D

Shortly after our first date...41 years ago, we watched a jazz concert: one singer was a transvestite and my girl was almost sick on the spot and writhed with embarrassment .... lesson learnt.

The desire to tell I do believe is one solely from our sense of guilt and not a need to reveal all to cement a partnership. I knew she was not a virgin and neither was I, yet she has never mentioned her previous affairs, nor ever asked about mine. In fact on the odd occasion when there has been a hint of a mention of my previous relationships the temperature has dropped. Women keep a hell of a lot more secrets from their men than the other way round: and telling all does n't get a reciprocal reaction. Why should it?

Just because we focus on and agonise over our predeliction does mean that every GG has the same awareness or interest; so the availability of more information on the internet does not have any impact on them. There is a lot more on how to build you own computer but I bet it is n't widely read by GGs!

Basically men are supposed to be manly; that is the attraction in the first and last case and revealing that one is at heart a quasi woman is n't exacly a great pulling line. Clearly some GGs are prepared to put up with it 'for better or for worse' and there the odd few who get a kick out of it, but in essence most are repelled by it. For my money it is a better bet to be eternally vigilant for a longer term happiness, than to try to be a two faced sister. Whatever else, there is an enormous hill of belief by society generally that we are all gay, a few web sites is n't going to alter that. Will she tell her friends and what will their assumptions be, and who does that benefit?

I bet every woman married to a closet cd has put two and two together years ago and has decided to let sleeping dogs lie. With luck and love the realtionship survives. Telling all is nothing compared with a family death, severe illness, redundancy, teenagers hormones or a divorced sister-in-law staying for a year.

Love to you all

Fi

I told mine before we were engaged. I told her everything I knew. It wasn't related to all that was known to the general public or based on information I gained from other sources. I doubt there would have been much difference had there been all the public knowledge there is today. What I told her was just what I felt.

At the time all I really knew was I liked to dress in women's clothes. That I had occasionally wished I was a girl I believed was just a side effect of my desire to dress. I never gave any serious thought to transitioning. In fact, had I never entered therapy, a little over a year ago (at the insistance of my wife), I never would have considered transitioning at all.

Way back then, if I knew what I know now.

Nope I'd have said good bye to her and gone off on my own. Got the surgery what ever the cost and settled down as a Woman someplace. I would not have had to be in that situation of telling a woman I was a CD. Also I would not have to stuff. LOL

Today, am I stuck? Yeah! But my love for her is enough. So being a Man 50% and a CD the other 50% works for me. Come home and change into Haley and wake up the next day and wash my face for work. Then its drab for the day till I come home.

Issues of being safe with your private info to girl friends.
The old saying " tell e phone, tell a Girl Friend"! *LOL
By 10pm the town would know if your not real sure of her.
A wife is bound to you with a ring. What you do affects her
with the comunity, her friends, job etc. Is she going to tell?
Most likely not. She is going to make sure your family secrets remain
just that. Secrets. A Girl Friend, Hmmmm maybe not Huh?

It sounds cool saying go tell. But believe me there is all kinds of things to think of.

In the area I live in a Farmer killed a deer out of season. His Wife turned Him in. He did jail time and a large fine. To me they are his deer cause his crops feed them. But anyway the idea is that be sure of who you trust with
your secrets.


Haley:)

If I could go back in time, I would go back about 6 years to when my wife and I were first courting. I had told her about my CD'ing, but out of respect for her, I didn't dress until well after we were married (she still hasn't wanted to see me dressed tho). If I had that time again, I would have dressed more and not thrown away all my things.......I know now I sent out the wrong messages at that time.......and now I'm having counselling for it !!!

My wife is very supportive, but absent from my dressing experiences. and I need companionship when dressed.....

does anyone else find that ?

I tried to tell my wife 15 years ago. It didn't go well. If I came out to her she would have not married me. But 15 years later now, she admits to being more mature and open minded now. So she is fully supportive as I told her this past May. Would I go back in time and do it differently, Not really sure. back then... I'd like to come out, but everyone I know would probly stop talking to me. I really hate Q's like this ;) to much thinking :p

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Originally Posted by Julie W.

[SIZE=4]TiffTG
Sorry I got your name wrong! Please forgive me?[/SIZE]

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It is a long story how I started using the name, I actually am more of a crossdresser than transgendered, whatever the heck that means. I know WHAT I love to do, not Why.

hugs,

tiff

My marriage and my kids have been a great joy to me, and to go back in time and do anything that might take me down a different path, would be unthinkable. My wife is rather straight-laced and my judgement then, as now, was that she'd not be able to accept or understand my "Susie side". Susie has often asked me, "but what if you're wrong? What if your wife discovered she loves me as well as you? Think of how much closer you could be, and the fun we'd all be having together!"

But, there's no evidence to support that, and there's lots of contrary indications that she would freak. So -- in spite of often re-considering Susie's question, here I am in the old closet.

Additionally, now, there's the issue of the "long-kept secret" looming. Even if I were to find a way to tell my wife about Susie, I know one of her immediate reactions would be indignation that I've "lied to her" all these years.

If "we knew then what we know now" could include having the internet available, I would have tried much harder to find one of those wonderful, amazing GG's who like their companions to have a feminine side. Back then, I had no reason to imagine they existed, much less have a snowball's chance in Phoenix of finding one.

Hopeful prediction: some day soon, internet dating services will routinely include cd/tv questions in their matching criterion. Then the prospective match-ee could think to herself, "let's see, do I care if he smokes? Absolutely, no smokers! Do I care if he likes to crossdress? Well, actually, that might be kind of fun."

Hugs,
Susie

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Originally Posted by Fionax

I bet every woman married to a closet cd has put two and two together years ago and has decided to let sleeping dogs lie.

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Fiona, I've brooded on this one for a long time, too.

The situation is not the same with the wife as it is with the cd. For the cd to "tell all" to the wife, he's got to take a hideous chance that she'll flip over the news, and life will be HOW (Hell on Wheels) from that time on. As you observed, about the best he can rationally expect is that she'll tolerate his behavior. That she might actually enjoy it, participate, or encourage it is a wild hope. So, the cd faces a big risk, with an unknown, minimal reward. The closet is much more attractive!

But, consider the choice the wife has if she secretly discovers her hubby is wearing her clothes. If she can't handle it, we're in for HOW. But if she can handle it, her risk/reward picture is the reverse of his. She already knows what's going on. There are no more secrets that need keeping. She can choose to say nothing, which helps nothing, or she can find the right moment and bring it up. She's got nearly nothing to lose, and a more complete marriage to gain. She can take the step that he dare not.

From which I conclude that one way or the other, if my wife finds out about my Susie side, I'll hear about it, either in the form of HOW, a coy offer at bedtime, or a suggestion for therapy.

I'd love to hear what the GG's in this forum think about this...

Hugs,
Susie

I've put a lot of my personal story out in this forum since I joined in June so I won't bore you with the details. Here's the net net: Been crossdressing in the closet with shame and guilt for 33yrs. Been friends with my wife for 27yrs. and married for 9yrs. (I was married once before for 4yrs.) Current marriage is on the rocks for several reasons with CD'ing "breaking the camel's back."

As far as where I am emotionally and psychologically with crossdressing past and present. It is what it is. However, if I was in the place I'm in now many, many years ago, then I would have been up front about my crossdressing with any woman I got involved with where I thought the relationship might go anywhere. I have to be allowed to be comfortable about being me. And, as is likely to happen now, if I find myself dating again sometime in the future, you bet I'm going to tell that gal about my CD'ing if I think the relationship could get serious...and I'll just take my chances.

Hi Kathy!

I've not read any of the other responses yet, but will after I post mine.

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Originally Posted by kathy gg

So many times I have seen women asked what if they knew before marriage, but I have never seen the questions asked of the guys if given the opportunity to be honest...would you?

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Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's about my identity and my happiness. It's about our relationship and our marriage, and having it work or not.

I told my wife even before we were engaged, but this was over 20 years ago. You know the story in general, if not the specifics.

When would I tell her under the circumstances you presented? I'd not say something in the first few dates. After that, if it seemed things were going well and we had a real basis for a relationship, we'd discuss the crossdressing and engage in CD play - dressup, going out. If it worked, great! If not, that would be great too! In the latter case, at least we'd know and not mess up each other's lives.

I feel guilty that I deceived people about my crossdressing especially my wife. I also feel tremendous guilt and sad that I deceived my parents as well. It is too much guilt to have to handle and I am Catholic too!

If I could go back I could only say I wish society's views were not so strict towards how boys and girls should dress. Actually girls are more free to express themselves and dress as they wish. Boys have more imposed restrictions and are not allowed to express themselves as freely.

So I would still be in the closet and the main reason is because society tells me so!

Emmi

Hi Susie.

Just wanted to say I was impressed with your two posts - very expressive.

You pose some very good questions in your comments. I guess we all get caught up in our own views of how things are, or could be be. And yet,there are many unexplored options many have yet to consider.

I like your approach to these complex issues.

Christine

To Suzie,

I also agree with Christine about your replys to the question. I also think it may be a good idea to include in a dating questionnaire the question you suggested about whether you cd or not.

Welcome to the forum!

Would like to read your intro.

Emmi

Kathy, That is a hard one to answer even in hindsight. My first wife knew and it was not a big deal or did not seem so at the time. We were 17 and had the world by the tail.

The only information that I was aware of at that time on the subject was the book "Every Thing You Allways Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask".

At least I found out there were others out there that felt the same way I did or there would not be the term transvestite. I did not feel so all alone, even though I did not know of anyone else that dressed back then.

Being children we did not stay together when hard times came up and I found out later she told her family all about my "preversions" after we seperated.

My second wife found out after we were married over 10 years and the wonderfull human being that she was just said "well put on a pair of panties I know you want to". She told me later, I had become much easier to live with, after I was allowed to express myself.

We spoke often about it, and she told me once that if I had been up front with her in the beginning, things would have been easier for both of us. What hurt her was I had lied to her and that was hard for her to overcome.

My only saving grace was the truth that I was afraid I would loose her if she found out. My fear of rejection, projected onto her, would not allow me to open up and trust the love of my life and for that I am very sorry. We missed out on sharing much happiness together because of that.

In hindsight I would like to say I would have spoken up, but that would have been difficult also, as living a lie and being in the closet becomes a way of life. The fear another will find out, and ridicule us is a strong one and VERY difficult to overcome by ones self.

I have recently started to date again and if I am fortunite enough to find love in my life again, this time she will know up front. I don't want the trama again, and am sure now it's lessened by honesty in the begining of a relationship.

Hope this answers some what you were looking for.
Hugs Krystal.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by susiej

But, consider the choice the wife has if she secretly discovers her hubby is wearing her clothes. If she can't handle it, we're in for HOW. But if she can handle it, her risk/reward picture is the reverse of his. She already knows what's going on. There are no more secrets that need keeping. She can choose to say nothing, which helps nothing, or she can find the right moment and bring it up. She's got nearly nothing to lose, and a more complete marriage to gain. She can take the step that he dare not.

From which I conclude that one way or the other, if my wife finds out about my Susie side, I'll hear about it, either in the form of HOW, a coy offer at bedtime, or a suggestion for therapy.

I'd love to hear what the GG's in this forum think about this...

Hugs,
Susie

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Susie,

Believe me when I say that I understand your reasons for being afraid to come out to your wife. I understand how much you have to lose, and how the possible reward might not seem to justify the risk. But I would like to respond to your comments about waiting for your wife to bring the subject up. That course of action, in my opinion, is riskier than telling her outright.

First of all, I'd like to say something about the statement Fionax made, that most wives have figured it out years ago and decided not to make waves. I have spoken to too many wives who had no idea, even after 20 years of marriage, that their husband was a crossdresser. If they found little signs, like makeup on the collar of a blouse they hadn't worn in ages, or lipsticks mysteriously getting smaller, they just shrugged them off (huh! how weird!) and never thought their husband had anything to do with it. Little hints he may have dropped were also ignored, because they didn't fit into any scenario that the wife was capable of imagining. The fact is, most women know nothing about the existence of heterosexual crossdressers, and if they have heard of them, they still would never believe that they were married to one.

So Suzie, when you say

Quote:

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But, consider the choice the wife has if she secretly discovers her hubby is wearing her clothes. If she can't handle it, we're in for HOW. But if she can handle it, her risk/reward picture is the reverse of his. She already knows what's going on.

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I have to disagree. She does not know what's going on. In fact, discovering your secret by accident is the worst way for her to find out, because it can make her jump to all sorts of incorrect conclusions. Do not assume that if your wife finds evidence of your crossdressing, she will automatically know what it means! More likely she will think that you are having an affair and that these clothes belong to the other woman. Or, alternatively, she will think that you are gay and that you wear these things when you are out having sex with men. Or maybe she will think that you are interested in having sex with men who are dressed as women. In any case, the last thing she will probably think is that you have a soft, sweet feminine side to your personality that you are harmlessly expressing by wearing women's clothes.

By letting her discover your crossdressing for herself, without explanation and reassurance from you, you are in effect putting her through her own hell. The shock of having these terrible thoughts--"what kind of man am I married to? Has he been cheating on me all these years? Should I go have an AIDS test?"-- will play havoc with her emotions. And her number one thought will be, "He has been hiding this awful thing--whatever it is--from me for so long. I feel like the world's biggest idiot." By this time, when she does finally get up the nerve to talk to you about it, she will have made her mind up about many things. She may have even started making plans and laying the financial groundwork to leave you if her worst fears turn out to be true. She may have confided to her mother or best friends about her suspicions and asked them for advice. And through all of this, you had no opportunity to set her mind at ease because you did not even know that she was aware of your secret.

Of course, she may choose never to mention it at all. This depends entirely on what kind of wife she is. She may not dare to bring it up, mainly because she thinks that if her husband is keeping "it" from her, it must be something really terrible. Sadly, as I mentioned, she may think that "it" is another woman. So she may choose to say nothing, hoping that your affair will run its course and the marriage will be preserved. My own sister did this when she suspected her first husband was cheating on her. She didn't want to lose him, so she said nothing because she was afraid of what the outcome would be if she forced him to choose. She went through so much pain and suffering during that time, and I am sure none of you would wish that on your wife.

In conclusion, I think it is always better to tell her yourself than to risk her finding out on her own. That way you can be there to help her understand what you do and what it means to you. If you can't bring yourself to do that yet, then at least consider writing her a letter and keeping it with your things so that if she finds them, she will find your letter and an invitation to talk. Don't wait for her to put two and two together, because she will probably come up with five.

Marla,

I think you and I are actually in violent agreement :). I am certainly not advocating that wives should find out by accident -- that would clearly be the worst choice possible! My point was that if she finds out, the cd will very likely hear about it, one way or the other, because she has less reason to keep her secret as he has to keep his.

Thank you for painting the GG perspective for us. I hadn't considered the fact that most people are uneducated about crossdressing, and could easily assume the worst. And, also your point, there are a lot of incorrect assumptions that are a heck of a lot "worse"!

Hugs,
Susie

Hi Kathy
Good question. I wasn't ready back then. Wilma had to grow and now she is ready to be a part of my life. I made the decision just a few months ago that my next relation had to be accepting of Wilma. I have a wonderful new love in my life now that knows the whole me and our relationship is richer because of it. For all of us girls who are ready to accept who we are I think it is really important to be honest in your current or future relations. LOL Wilma

For me, I would have if I had known myself.

I got married young (21) and didn't know about all of this at the time. As a young man back in the 80's I wasn't aware of gender issues, you were a girl or boy!

As a child I had always believed that I should have been a girl, most of my friends were girls etc. I had tried on my mother’s clothes, skirts mainly, after school and enjoyed walking around the neighboring fields dressed like this as a youth. I even enjoyed being used as a dressmaking manikin when my mother made dance dresses for my dancing partners!

As time went on I progressed into adolescence and the opportunity to behave like this disappeared.

Several years after marrying the desire came to me and I just couldn't fight it. I started to wear skirts at home and this created a very difficult situation with my wife and young family.

Luckily for me my wife is wonderful, although she still doesn't fully understand it, she has come to terms with it. Like many other stories here I had the "are you gay" and "you lied to me" lines thrown at me, I am not gay and I didn't lie, I just didn't know what was happening until it had!

I suppose that I am very lucky, I have an understanding/tolerant wife and two teenage children that also accept me for what I am. I was even able to be dressed for Christmas dinner this year!

So, had I known what I was before marrying I would definitely have come clean and saved my beloved wife the hurt and anguish. Marla is right on the nail with this point!

I think that we get so wrapped up in our own problems trying to come to terms with what we are that we forget how our actions and decisions will affect our significant others when/if we decide to come out.

So whatever you do be honest, both with yourself and with your loved ones. Secrecy isn't the answer in the long run.

Also at the end of the day, we are only talking about clothing, isn't it stupid that all of this agro comes about from what we choose to wear? Our Genetic Girls don't seem have this dilemma!

"Short skirts, Men’s shirts, oh oh oh I feel like a woman", lucky bitch Miss Twain!

For us its more like, "Womens Blouses, Mens trousers, oh oh oh, I'm branded a cd"

Lots of love to all, Rachael.

Only very recently was I able to allow myself to own being a CD. All my life, though, I have been interested in women's shoes, loving looking at women in them, but rarely admitting how nice it would be for me to wear them, too: it was simply to terrifying to even think any of the CDing, much less doing it.

Rainbow

i was a lucky gal, my wife and i were dateing for just a couple of months when she asked me about my crossdressing. and i ask her why she ask that? she said a freind of mine told her about it. so i did tell her all about it. she was very understanding and now we have been married for 16 years and i dress as much as i can and when ever i can. she has bought me several wigs and we shop to gether all the time. she knows it's what i am and she said it does'nt bother her at all and we both were the same size skirts we have a blast together. i am glad she ask me about it back then.

diane

I did tell my wife about my x-dressing just a few years after we got married, Actually as a game she let me wear a girdle of hers when we were just dating... So she must have had some hints before we got married.

What would have I done differently had I known what I know now? I would have been much less pushy and somewhat exhibitionist with her :o

Thinking she was going to get used to it, I was not cautious at all when x-dressing so she saw me a few times "en femme". This had the opposite effect to te one I thought it would have. It turned her off completely. I must also admit that I was dressing in a very sexy way then and my wife told me that I looked like a prostitute...

One thing I would do, again knowing what I know now would be to be a lot more cautious when introducing new steps in my evolution to wanting to wear full "femme" clothes. Indeed I started x-dressing as a "fantazy/sexual underwear" wearing, which my wife sort of accepted without much problem. But when I bought a dress, then a skirt and a blouse, she really disliked that move.

But more than anything, I would tell her before hand what I was intending to do. She was very upset discovering my successive steps to acting more and more like a woman.

I did a very bad thing a couple of years ago when I decided to remove all the hair on my body and didn't tell her... (and I did have a lot of it...) She discovered it one evening, looking at my arms with a short sleeves shirt. Since we sleep in separate room, she had not seen me without clothes. She was very upset, which I can understand and feel sorry about.

Luckily enough, I had an excuse: needing a knee operation, the surgeon had asked me to remove completely the hair from my leg, so I told my wife that this was what motivated my using depilatory cream on one leg, that for the sake of symetry, I did the other one and then that the feeling of my soft skin was so wonderful, I took away all the hair on my chest... That reduced the tension a bit... But it was a warning...

Unfortunately we can't rewind the tape :(

Love.

Eugenie