Men Marry Their Mothers and We...

Whilst working out at the Y today, I noticed a mid-age woman working out nearby. She was in pretty good shape overall, certainly not a thin, frail thing. She had some muscle, more than what you usually see on a woman and a nice, but modest bust. Her hair was about 18" long and tied back in a single pony-tail. She clearly knew what she was doing with the equipment and went about her business in an efficient manner.

20 years ago, my first thought might have been something like "I'd like to get to *know* her" (in the Biblical sense). However, my thought was different it was admiration, then "I think I'd like to be her".

What I liked about her was her independence, capability, apparent toughness beyond a normal woman, her hair, the size of her bosom, etc. She may be what people usually call a tomboy, I can't really tell that, but judging on the little information I had, it's a pretty safe bet.

She seemed as someone who could be femme, but still in control of her life. It would not surprise me if she dresses up pretty on occasion as her mood carries her.

Who here wouldn't want to be her?

Then I remembered that my mother was very much that kind of woman, independent, capable, etc.

So, I can't help wonder if my mother played a much larger role model in my life than I have previously expected and it almost seems as if I am trying to become her kind of person.

In case you are wondering, I did marry a woman like that, so I did also marry my mother in that sense.

In later life it would seem as if I am trying to become her....

What a crazy world...

Think about your mother and tell us if you are trying to become your mother.

My mother was a fashionista and a shoe-a-holic....yep that's me

Men marry a woman like their grandmother, women marry a man like their father.

I don't think so mom almost never put on a dress.:hugs:
Angie

Oh God no!

Well, that is one "theory" that certainly appears to carry some observational credibility.

Wading out a bit into deeper water, you find all sorts of complex psychological lilypads...here is one...

A tendency to gravitate toward a partner that reinforces (mimics) the dysfunctional family relationship components of your childhood. By personal example...my father was emotionally absent, extremely critical of everything I did. Unconsciously, I ended up marrying a woman with the same empty, emotionally "vacant" personality. Nothing was ever "good enough".

But there is a happy ending...we are divorced after her affairs got "old". She got all my money, I got what matters...reality. :love:

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Originally Posted by meri

Think about your mother and tell us if you are trying to become your mother.

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Not even in my worst nightmare :eek::eek:

I adored my Mother and adore my wife.
They are very similar in their looks and personalities. In that regard, I may have gravitated toward a wife who was similar to Mom, although I never consciously looked for her. It's just the way things happened.

As far as dressing, I don't feel I'm trying to become anyone but me. It's pleasurable and fulfilling and just something I have to do.

On second thought, I wish I could look that good when I'm dressed.

It's true what you say, I look a lot like pictures of my Mom when she was my age...let's hope none of us turn out like Norman Bates in Psycho!

The first thing I thought the first time I put on a long length wig and makeup was...omg I look like my mother, :lol:

I think we can't help exhibiting most, or at least some, of our parents personality traits. Your parents are your models and when you are young you have nobody but them to emulate. And if you tend to gravitate towards the feminine end of the spectrum then your mother would naturally have been your primary model of behavior.

Let's not mince words. I love my mother. No finer person around. That said. I did not marry a women anything like my mother in size, shape, education, emotion state or anything like her.

I have no interest on looking like my mother either. Grey skin big nose no real fashion sense.

No thanks

Lisa.

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Originally Posted by DeeInGeorgia

Men marry a woman like their grandmother, women marry a man like their father.

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I disagree entirely. I went out of my way to find a man who wasn't like my father at all.

Not that I dislike him at all. Bless him. I take most traits from my fathers side of the family, in both looks and personality. (I look like his mother.) Needless to say I am sturborn and blunt just like my father, so we frequently butt heads over things. :doh: I have no desire to be with anyone who is just like him or me. That would make for a very awkward and short relastionship.

My partner is calm and collected and we never butt heads over things.

to finish your sentence:

Men Marry Their Mothers and We...

borrow our mothers' clothes :D

Oh dear Lord, NO!!

My mother was, well, let's just say if we were in the South, people would say "Bless her heart" about her quite a bit. She was a majorette in high school, was a hairdresser, and married my father because his skin was dark. She was full Irish with pale skin and freckles and didn't want kids that had freckles. I think she was pregnant with me while in her high school cap and gown. She ended up drinking herself to death at an early age. Sigh.

My wife, on the other hand, is beautiful, brilliant, accomplished (she's a freaking oncology genetics researcher! I think she married me for pure amusement) a wonderful mother and very, very feminine. She can indeed, ". . . bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan . . ." :)

Kathi

As I have said before, my mother died when I was 7 years old. It was very shortly thereafter that I stated crossdressing. That was 70 years ago! My mother had been sick for some time prior to passing a way, so I don't remember much about her!

I think I am "Me," and what I do is about me! When my late wife was alive and involved, our life was about the two of us! That is the way it should be, IMHO!!

You could find similarities in pretty much any person and your own parents or anyone else's.

I don't find myself or my spouse to be strikingly similar to my mom but I can see similarities and differences.

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Originally Posted by Christina66

to finish your sentence:

Men Marry Their Mothers and We...

borrow our mothers' clothes :D

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:D:D:D LOL
after this, you can close this thread and the whole internet.

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Originally Posted by Stitch

I disagree entirely. I went out of my way to find a man who wasn't like my father at all.

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I agree, Tam is nothing like my father, well.. I'm not aware if my dad is a crossdresser :heehee: However, personality wise etc, Tam is nothing like my dad... I however am just like him according to my mother lol!!

My wife is nothing like my mother or my grandmother and I am definately not like her dad.

When I came out to my family, my brother said to me he was supportive unless I was going to be like our mother. If I did that he would be very unsupportive. LOL I love my mom but never want to be like her.

Teri

[SIZE="3"]
I am nothing like my mother and I say a thankful prayer for that. I love her, she's my mother, but I could never go through life being irresponsible or uncaring about life or others.
[/SIZE]

My mother was the second of 8. Had 9 children of her own, and I now have 8. My mother was always a mother then a grand mother, and later a great grand mother. Had she lived 2 more years she would have been a great great grandmother. She was never into herself in any manner. She took care of her bros and sis's and then her own children. She was always a mother. My admiration for her wasn't in how she looked or dressed but in how she cared for everyone else. I didn't marry someone like my mother, If I had I would still be married and my wife would at least understand that I need to dress.

Oscar Wilde once said: "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

I guess there are a few things I'm picking up from mine, but she's only one of many role models.

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Originally Posted by Sewing_Sophie

Oscar Wilde once said: "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."

I guess there are a few things I'm picking up from mine, but she's only one of many role models.

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Thanks for reminding me of this quote. I was trying to think of it but couldn't remember the words. I guess I am getting "sometimers".

You are right. We are a blend of the personalites that influence our lives sprinkled with a little bit of our own genetic predisposition.

My mom was a huge influence in my life. I am a lot like her in looks and in deed. It is funny my daughter says that I look like my dad when en drab and like mom when en femme. I am not sure how that really works. My brothers always have told me that having me around is just like having Mom around.

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Originally Posted by meri

Think about your mother and tell us if you are trying to become your mother.

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Your excellent post points out a depth difference between Freud and Jung.

Freud would see an unconscious sexual or incestual drive, while Jung looked further, and would see what lay behind it, a yearning for 'oneness' and to "be," like you are suggesting. It's not something that happens consciously, but eventually you grow to be aware of it's effect.

I don't have to 'try' to become my mother. The comparison list lines up near perfectly so far, without any conscious effort. It just happens. I start to see my mother when I look at my avatar here, even. I see her in every 'fact' I can look at. I'm living her dreams, and her hopes without trying to. Of course, I've inherited a lot her mental problems, and her sensitivity as well.

Another problem is, if I'm living partly patterned after ol' Mom, then I need to change my ways, (OR HER'S,) because I don't like what I see in her these days. After reading every new-age, spiritual self-help book on the market, and after three failed attempts to be a writer, or to write a decent book, she gave up on life, to my reckoning, and now she just sits in front of FOX news, or some other TV shows, and sounds more like Dad than herself anymore.

Another issue is, my father is in me too. Ever considered the psychology behind essential hero-journey stories? Luke Skywalker blues, lol. I can't connect with all of the good parts of him that are in me, because the immature, childish, bitter, negative side of him is so constellated in my head. It's, again, not something I can consciously alter just as an act of will.

It's another cave to walk into and grapple with, because their opposing relationship, I can see it being synchronously repeated within me as my own torn dualism. They sit in a room together today watching TV, but are a million miles apart.

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Originally Posted by meri

Think about your mother and tell us if you are trying to become your mother.

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I am the opposite of my mother's wardrobe from the same source : Sears.

I was most influenced by 70s girlie books & the catalogues .

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Originally Posted by Stitch

I disagree entirely. I went out of my way to find a man who wasn't like my father at all.

Not that I dislike him at all. Bless him. I take most traits from my fathers side of the family, in both looks and personality. (I look like his mother.) Needless to say I am sturborn and blunt just like my father, so we frequently butt heads over things. :doh: I have no desire to be with anyone who is just like him or me. That would make for a very awkward and short relastionship.

My partner is calm and collected and we never butt heads over things.

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Maybe you married a man who is more like your mother? :D

My fiancee is quite a bit different than my mom (feistier), I'm not very similar to her mom or dad (more outgoing), and I'm not very like my mom (she's sweeter than I think I'll ever be).

Like others have said, when dressed I do look a lot like my mom did at my age. I'm a little self-conscious about my height, but my mom is 5'11", so I try and remember that.

My ex HATED IT, when I told her that!:Angry3:

My college girlfriend was MY MOTHER! Too shy and boring!:brolleyes:

I NEVER dress like my mother, either!:doh:

But, HAVE ocassionally, like my father! He was pretty dapper, in his day!

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Originally Posted by meri

Think about your mother and tell us if you are trying to become your mother.

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[SIZE="2"]No, I’m not trying to become my mother, but I suppose I AM her in many respects (genetically I cannot help but be like her). Her gentleness and submissiveness, relating to survival of her children and, perhaps less so, of herself, made a huge impression on me when I was young. We always got along well – she had a quiet strength and unobtrusiveness that shaped me in subtle ways. I recall saying to one of my girlfriends, “I don’t want you to be my mother,” and she replied, “Good.” :straightface: [/SIZE]

Thank-you all for your observations and kind comments.

When I think of my father and how he influenced me, my first thought is "I don't want to be like him". However, I know I am reacting to the negativity he often displayed and not the positive aspects of his personality. I have acquired several of his traits (hopefully just the positive ones), but in general, I think more of my mother's.

Undoubtedly it has to do with the amount of time we are with our mothers vs. our fathers. My father worked during the day and when he came home in the evening, he wasn't in the mood to play with his children. Further, the kinds of things he liked to play at were sports oriented and my own interest was never very strong anyway.

Sometimes I wish I could do it all again knowing what I now think I know. I would like to know my father better, it would take some work and effort to do so because he wasn't very talkative, he pretty much bottled up his emotions and his thoughts. The only time you would hear him is when he was upset or angry with us.

So, tell me about your fathers, let's flip the coin....

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Originally Posted by meri

When I think of my father and how he influenced me, my first thought is "I don't want to be like him". However, I know I am reacting to the negativity he often displayed and not the positive aspects of his personality. I have acquired several of his traits (hopefully just the positive ones), but in general, I think more of my mother's.

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This is more of an accurate description of me also. I am emotionally and mentally much like my mother. Care too much, get affected by things too easily, extremely senistive, and many other attributes of hers. I don't dress like her and can't possibly see myself in a orange sherbet colored pants suit YUCK lol. Her style and fashion was always very simple but she is a very elagent women. Hair always neat and fixed (goes to the hairdresser weekly even at 80) makeup well done and very well put together. That I tend to also mirror in even in male drab, take a great deal of time to dress and so on daily. As for the marriage peice, others have said they married more like their dad's and I did too. To my shagrin. Emotionally unavailable, critical, mean in spirit, verbally abusive. My wife is a lot like that overall and it has been a difficult marriage.
Human nature is a very interesting concept.

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Originally Posted by meri

So, tell me about your fathers, let's flip the coin....

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Ah ha ha ha haaaaaa! Let's just say that my father was usually referred to as "the sperm donor" in that he was never really a father at all. He beat my mother, would run off until he would come back and beat her again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Finally, one time he never came back. The last time I "saw" him, he was on the Sally Jesse show (a half-sister sent a tape of the show). It was a reunion show where I found out I had about four half-siblings (from about three different mothers) that I never knew about. He was some poor schmuck with about three teeth living in a trailer next to a lake (the town had a population of 3). He made his living selling bait. Karma, anyone? :)

I open up about all this to show that we don't have to be like our parents. I have been in a loving relationship with my wife for over 20 years. I have never raised my hand to her, and only raised my voice twice. Whenever a decision comes up in life, I think to myself, "What would my parents do?" and then do the exact opposite. So far, that has worked out pretty well. :)

Kathi