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I am not so new here, and yet have made many new friends. This past weekend I have come out of the closet to the whole family. The debate I have now is do I tell my kids. My son is 10, and my daughter is 9. I have surfed the web for advice. Mose sites split 50/50 on when to tell them. Most agree when very young, or pre teens - later. I'm :confused: . What do you think? Please help me decide... any opinions are really appreciated. Will they understand, are they to young? Will this hurt them?
I concur with the "either very young, or later teens" school of thought of this one. I have a 5 yr old and am pretty much closeted. If conditions aren't right to tell him within the next year or two, I would hope he not find out tl I tell him in his later teens.
Good luck, let us know.
Hugs, Tammi
Normally, I would have voted no! Up till now I agreed that you should either tell them when they're really young or tell them when they're adults, but not when they're in there teen/pre teens. But, now I rethinking that. (I voted "split")
First, it really depends on the releationship you have with your kids. I have a 12 year old son to whom I've been slowly revealing my TG side to... painted nails, shaved arms and legs. We have an absolutely wonderful relationship, so I'm sure that he wouldn't think any less of me. Although, I seriously doubt he will ever see me in a wig or makeup, at least not till he's an adult.
I also think that since you've come out to the entire family, you might owe it to him to tell them as well. They are afterall, part of the family too, and it's not unlikely they'll soon find out anyway. If you tell them, then you get the opportunity to instill your sense of trust and respect in them.
One reason I had recommended against it though, is the lack of discression kids sometimes display. But since you've already come out to so many, then maybe it's not such a big issue in your case. Would you be worried if they accidently told their friends (who might tell their parents)?
So, I'm still trying to answer this question for myself. I'm just not as adamantly against it as I was just a few weeks ago.
The younger the better. Do it now before they become set in their teen angsty/trendy/rebellious/ anti-parent ways.
I'm about as close to that age range as is allowed on this forum at 18, so I have (yet again) an opinion on how things may be perceived from the children's point of view.
I didn't understand crossdressing in full until about the age of 13. I knew about it much earlier than that, but didn't understand the why behind it. After watching an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus with my dad, I noticed one of the actors dressed up and asked about it... I'd say I was around 10 or 11 at that time. He said that those people do it because it's a part of their comedy, but other people do it in real life for 'fun'. Granted, my dad is no crossdresser (that we are aware of, though I doubt he is) but at that point I knew at least a little about crossdressers, enough that I could handle. Basically, what I learned was that there was a name for dressing in the opposite gender's clothes and that some people do it for the general purpose of 'fun'.
Seemed just weird to me at that age, because there were a lot of factors I didn't understand were possible at that age. Sexual thrills, for example, which is why some people dressed, and a gateway for TG to express themselves without surgery. I also didn't understand why people would do something fun like that but keep it a secret from people they loved, because at that time it seemed like a game where people would dress up and anyone could join in. There's a lot more to it I learned later, mainly from my own studies, but it took a couple of years to understand why others would crossdress (and to understand myself and where I stand on the matter). I think that before puberty, I wouldn't have been able to understand the complete explanation of crossdressing the way I do now.
My thought is this: you should try to make sure your children understand crossdressing and things about it before you say it is a part of your life. Mainly because if you tell them something that they may or may not understand, they may ask around for more information from friends, look on the internet for answers, and to get info that you can't tell whether it's putting crossdressing in a positive or negative light. If you let them know bit by bit (maybe watch something like monty python with them where it could lead into a small discussion) then you can know that you tried your best to portray crossdressers in a positive light before telling them you do it, rather than saying you do it and hoping what rumors they hear would be in your benefit. They might not understand the rumors (if they hear from someone it's sexual or for TGs, which is only somewhat true but they won't know any better), but if it sticks with them they'll someday understand what they've been told and that could result in a bad view of the CD community and yourself. Again, not sure what they'd conclude, but it would be hard to predict what sources they would go to... and I think that if they thought something was so important that their father was doing it and had kept it a secret, they'd look for answers in every way possible. So let them become aware of it and make sure they are able to understand it before you tell them you do it, at least that would allow for a safer means of maintaining your current relationship with them.
Not have the experence of having kids I don't think I could give good advice on this. Go with you and SO think is right, I don't know what else to tell you.
Well it may work out alright to tell them, but remember it's a one way choice. You can't change it once it's done. Waiting til they are older leaves more to risk as they would be much more used to you without the knowledge of CDing. Either way, I agree - discuss this with your SO and decide together what is best.
I don't know if there is a right or wrong age to tell children but one thing I know from experience is to not let them find out on their own. If I could go back and fix my mistakes I think would have told my daughter in her early teens. I don't think there is any great rush to tell your kids now but you can prepare yourself and them if you choose to do so. I wish you luck.
My kids grew up from babies knowing about my crossdressing and, in my family's case, that worked out just fine. I favor telling at an early age, while they still believe most of what you tell them. Waiting until they are teenagers (when they believe very little of what you tell them) may invite problems. Also, if other members of your family already know, it is much better for you to out yourself to the kids under controlled conditions than for another family member to accidentally out you under uncontrolled conditions.
Katie,
Normally I would have said, "No, don't tell them." I really do think that they are too young to get their developing minds around this just yet. BUT as you have already told the rest of your family, I think you now owe it to the kids to be open with them as well. Excluding them from this information at this time will only build a wall between you and them when the do find out and they also find out everyone else but them knew before hand (and they will most certainly find out). But please do not do ANYTHING without first consulting with and reaching a mutually agreeable plan with your SO. Without a united front, your chance of success is about nil.
I have one fundamental question for you: Why do you want to tell your children?
Do you plan to dress full-time? Are you contemplating telling them because it will be easier for you? Are you thinking of doing this for their benefit or for yours?
I don't know the answers to these questions, and it's possible that you don't even know for sure yourself. If you are convinced that you want to tell them for altruistic reasons, then you only need to consider how mature they are emotionally. Nine and 10 are pretty young to lay something so heavy upon your children, but if you truly believe they are capable of handling such things, then follow your heart.
I dont feel that I can give advise either. However, I have been in the same situation. My son is 12, and around a year ago I decided that he deserved to know about me. There was a lot of pros and cons, but I felt that I wanted him to know me as I am. I didnt, and dont want to keep things from him, that could be found out by accident. He could easily have felt betrayed by more than just me that way, as a lot of others know who are close to him.
When I first told him, he listened, and thought for a while, then said it was fine with him. The first time he saw me dressed, he had the biggest smile, I asked if he was ok? He told me that Melissa looked a little like me but that I looked good. He now seems to put us as two different people.Which is fine,by me. He even has bought Melissa her own Birthday present (with his money). I honestly have no regrets about telling him. I am actually Really glad that I have shared this part of my life with him! :love: I hope none of you mind, he has "met" a lot of you on here as well. He talks with me about those of you he remembers at times too. Then We also have the fact that now HE needs to keep a secret for His own good. I have explained to him that it is not me that his friends will tease, or bully etc. He doesnt seem to understand why others should have a problem with it.
At the end of the day, this decision, remains yours. And do remember, you cant take it back. But there is also a great chance, that it turns out to be the begining of an open relationship with the little people in your life! :)
Good luck! and best wishes!!
..........Melissa............
P.S. sorry for being so long winded! :o
Hi Sharon, just picked on your post to stress a small point.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon
There may be many reasons to tell your children, one is to protect them! We seem to forget that this isn't all about us, it has an effect on our family as well.
I left it until my kids were nearly 14 and 16 before I told them. Why?
Firstly, they are less likely to talk about it with their freinds, loose tounges etc. and secondly they have more freinds come to visit at this age and often without warning! I wanted to spare them the embarassment.
I personally, like you, would wait a couple more years, it depends on the child's emotional development.
As an aside, my wife has just informed me that my son had apparently worked out that I was a CD for himself at 10, that explains the easy comming out!
Lots of love, Rachael.
I had to vote Can't answer as I have no children but after reading the previous post's I must say I am really glad I don't have that problem to deal with.
All I can say is good luck and my prayer's are with you and your family.Huggs.
Ive been lucky, my kids just think Im a nut but they do not knock me, I taught them never to judge,only god can do that, I taught them to be respectful of other peoples beliefs, and not to dislike things, or people they dont understand. If you tell your kids, them tell them above all you love them always, kidx are not as thoughtless as some say, they understand alot more then they let on ,at least my kids do as always luv,kisses, hugs and god bless and good luck GEEGEE2 :love:Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie Ashe
I'm feeling the love here... I have been talking about men wearing girly things with the kids for a few months now. I wear nude pantyhose and nail polish around the kids all the time. My daughter and I do our together and my son wears green nail polish, I am limiting him to what he can do. He understands I want him to grow up and be his own person. I am extremly close with my kids, they look at me as god. I've never done them wrong or left there side since the day they were born. I think they would have Q's and not understand the answers. I do want to dress openly around them. I would rather them find out through me then the rumer mill. I am required to dress as a man at work, and want to dress fem out of work. They are so loving, I don't think there is much I can say to turn them from me. Dawn ML and I are just not sure what to do. I read all your responds and feel or though what you all have read. I want my kids to accept people for whom they are not what. It would allow me to be myself and for them to see a different world. I think it would be a benifit to all of us. I'll check back in a bit, I need to run. Thanks everyone, I really mean it.
Hi Katie, I didn't have time to complete my previous reply, had to don the drab and take my daughter to work in a hurry.
I wanted to add that my kids accepted what I had to say without any difficulty.
I am not that supprised in retrospect, after all I had been wearing skirts arround the house for years, never realy tried to hide it either.
You and your nail polish routine amounts to the same thing, and there lies a problem, they already accept this behaviour as normal in your household and think nothing of it. The moment you expand the issue and highlight that it is not normal, you open up a can of worms. You need to be sure that they are not likely to talk about this in school, or with their freinds. This advice isn't to protect you, more them! Kids can be very cruel to each other and often pick on the differences. :thumbsdn:
Anyway, I would err on the side of caution and wait until they are a little older, as I said earlier.
Lots of love, and best of luck, Rachael.
I don't see why anyone would care what their child's friends think about them.
If all you have to lose is some popularity in the pre-pubescent world than you have nothing to lose.
Age means almost nothing in this case, because understanding is not the issue. The child doesn't have time to worry about the intricacies of the "why".
They just need to accept and younger peoples being less affected by outside sources of sway and conformment would be far more likely to not pass judgement in such a case.
Tell the kids.
I guarantee you will regret not doing so early on.
Children can be very cruel. One comment can lead to another and that child could then become alienated throughout their school life. If I told our youngest daughter who is 11, that her dad is a CD and she then went on to tell her friends at school.... the outcome might not be pretty. Those children could then go on to tell their parents, those parents who might not know or understand what a crossdresser is, could then tell their children to keep away from our daughter and even start spreading malicious rumours throughout the school to other parents. What kind of school life would our daughter then have?? I wouldn't even consider telling her (unless it was vital) until I thought she was old enough to truely understand.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
You have to look at the whole picture, not just the home life. You have to think about how this is going to affect the children, not just you. So when making a decision, think very carefully the consequences it could have on them. They might think it's a bit of fun painting daddies nails...... but that's all it is to a 9 and 10 year old, a bit of fun.
I told my eldest daughter when she was 16 and had left school. She took it pretty well and was at the age where she could understand what I was telling her. I don't think my 11 year old is quite ready to comprehend that her dad has fem feelings and dresses like a woman. She has 5 years of school ahead of her and that imho is enough to cope with.
Comprehension is the issue. Why do you think a 9 or 10 year old will not undestand?
Some can, some can't I guess.
There really is very little chance of anything backfiring unless as stated previously, it's made to seem as an abnormal behavior to the child, something that must be shared with the world.
I'm sure most kids don't go around talking about what their parents do anyhow, so if they saw this as something normal there is no reason for them to go prancing to their friends and gossiping every detail about how daddy pretends to be a woman, and even then, how much stock does one put into what a little kid says?
Unless the phrase "touched me" or "hit me" is included in the childs daily conversation nobody is going to care.
Nevertheless, only one person (or two people) here knows the kids in question.
I am basing my opinions of my own experience with the age groups.
One thing that no one has mentioned yet, is they might allready know. Most children are very intelligent and figure things out for themselves. My son will be five years old next month, and he knows, I haven't come right out and told him, but he's noticed my legs/body hair shaved, toe nails painted, and alot of womans clothes in my hamper/closet ect. Children are pretty good at figuring things out, but are happy to play along. Take Santa Claus, many children stop believing in Santa at an early age but just play along with the parents.
As for my vote, I'm split on the answer. I have no real plans on telling my son anytime soon. I'm not sure when I will. This is one really tough question.
Here's my question that only one person knows the answer to:
What exactly are you going to tell the children?
-"Daddy wears womens clothing."
or
-"Kids, there comes a time in every persons life when they have to come to terms with themself... *rambling* ... gender dysphoria and the urge to be something or someone you were deprived of being from birth... *more rambling* why when I was your age... *digress*.
Why not just release the info in stages according to what you think they can handle.
Don't wait to tell them about this INTEGRAL part of your personality, but don't blow their mind with psychological jargon or anything that will make homework seem easy or fun.
See what I'm sayin?
I'm certainly too new here to give the greatest advice but I think it comes down to the respect that you have for the relationships that mean the most to you and the power that drives us all to CD at different levels. My youngest is 19, very liberal and open minded, but I think it would hurt our relationship just at the time that he is getting ready to move on to his own life. My daughter is older and is expecting her first child and I don't want to mix in the confusion of my personal journey on one of our life's greatest momments. It is for each of us to work this puzzle. I hope it works out the best for you.
I'm pretty sure kids do. How do I know this?? because my daughter tells her best mate stuff all the time and visa versa. Do you have children?? Yes children are very observant and do notice things. However, I do believe children need protecting from what other people think. Yes I agree that CD's should shout from the rooftops what they are.... but lets be realistic here, these are 2 children, very young children. Children have to be protected from everything. If you aren't a parent yourself, you can't possibly understand what it is like. If you don't live around children 24/7 then you can't possibly have any idea what children are like. You have to answer this question from a parents point of view, not how it was for you when you were that age.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
I don't have kids but I know the sensitivity of this issue. Parenting changes the dynamics here. It is no longer only about yourself..and even if the child does understand it is still something then that they have to deal with the rest of their life. An awful lot to ask of a adolescent who is learning to deal with so many issues in the outside world that directly affect them as well.
I think Tamara is just looking at this from a parent's viewpoint in trying to do what is best for the child. Again...while I don't have kids...I would probably react the same way as she is under similar circumstances.
Just my 0.02 here.
That's utter horsecrap.Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tamara~
Children need to be taught everything.
I'm no parent, but I do live with a child and his parents 24/7.Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tamara~
I was also a child once, believe it or not, and even lived with some. But unlike other children, my mind developed at a radically accelerated rate so at the age of 5 I was comprehending things most preteens didn't understand.
So maybe I have a skewed view.
This is why I pointed out only one person can make the decision because there are always variables to any scenario and no one person has all the answers even if they think they are right because they have special abilites decorations privileges or responsibilites. :rolleyes:
Really EVERYTHING??? I beg to differ..... I seriously DOUBT that you would teach a child what pornography is or BDSM..... need I go on?? :rolleyes: :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
I parry with the notion of "protecting" your child from everything, such as other races, cultures, religions, scientific beliefs and even worldy news.Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tamara~
If you ever do go on be sure to elaborate on such vague, all-encompassing statements.
Thanks Tamara, this was what I was trying to say, you said it much better. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tamara~
Rachael.
What planet did you grow up on? Try reading Julie Marie's post at the top of this section.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
For a child they have very little to lose so to lose anything makes a BIG difference, I know all too well. (still see JM's post)Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
Ok I'm sure you will go on believing that, but it's not as true as you think.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
They may not pass judgement if they know earlier and don't find out through someone else. But then again they may not yet be ready, what's a couple years. When you're 25 if dad told you he wore women's clothes, that's when you really have to worry, all the outside has been imbedded into their heads in their teens.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
Only the parents know what stage their children are and together can decide if they are rready to be told something like this.
With respect, I feel that you are missing a very important point here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
What a child percieves as normal in his/hers home life, is normal in daily life.
Think about this scenario, A child is awaiting her parents to pick her up from school, another pair of mothers are chatting outside the school about going to the nail tech and having their nails polished bright red, an inquisitive child may say something like "nice nails, my daddy has his nails polished red when he wairs his wig", a completely innocent remark, but one that could esculate beyond all proportions. This wouldn't be the childs fault, after all it is completely normal to her!
I think that you must have raised kids yourself to understand the gravity of this, it isn't a decission that should be taken lightly.
From the mouths of babes...................
I'm not sure that a 9 or 10 year old would be that open about it. Kids of that age, by then are pretty saavy and aware. But I also think adult things like crossdressing should probably not be a part of their world, and frankly, is none of their business.
The fact is, unless they are extaordiarilly mature for their age. your relationship with them, and their perception of you may very well change. It may not be detremental to them in the long run, but it probably won't be easy for them at first, and maybe for a while. I personally feel that kids of that age are finding their feet socially, sexually, and in other ways, and putting this on their plate right now probably is a bit much.
I think if you show them alot of love, and try your best to raise them to be tolerant and open minded to difference, they will be ok when you finally let them know.
Hugs,
Melissa :)
Thank you everyone for commenting. Here is were I stand at the time I write this. My kids are very close and understanding with me. The are used to seeing the Lesbian couple across the street hug and kiss, although they understand they are dating and living together, they accept that as it is at face value. I simply want to tell them to be open and have them to continue to trust me as we don't really keep secrets. We treat them the age they are and respect them as a whole person. Dawn ML wants to wait to tell them when there older. One big speed bump is they can't keep secrets... My little chatter boxes. Although everyone in my family whom counts knows and understands not to bring it up around the kids. I can continue to sneak around the house, for a few years, I've been doing it for 20 so far. I agree that they should learn about the facts of life. But my daughter is kinda closed minded on men wearing makeup and dresses, she thinks girls stuff are girls and boys stuff are boys . And they aren't to overlap.
Currently I am dealing with a racial issue with my daughter "dating". She is being told she can only date within her color. The doctor has informed us from his recent physical, my son is now fertal. I'm being told to stop putting it off. I tried to talk to him about sex tonight, it didn't go well, he is too young to understand what I'm telling him. But this sex stuff is whole nother subect.
This posting is not easy for me, and for the ones without kids, I hope things are easier for your when it's your turn. I will wait to tell them, as I think they are not ready to understand. If I were not asking this, I would have told them blindly and hoped for the best. I want to continue to be a good parent, and life isn't fair, but I'm doing the best I know how to. Thank you for all of your respondes... I'm still open for disscusion on this matter. I can't be the only one with kids whom don't know about adult habits.
Highly improbable scenario. Kids don't go around looking at people's nails.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Warren
Even so, if a child were to say that to a pair of females I'm sure it would be seen as comical and cute.
Kids say the darnedest things, remember? ;)
Besides it's nobodies business what anyone does within their home and your average Joe or Joan doesn't care to pry into people's personal lives.
The whole consensus here seems paranoid.
Unless the reasoning was, one plans on dressing 24/7 and/or is having surgery, I think it best to wait until children are older. There really is so much stress for teens and pre-teens to deal with as it is, I think it would be unfair to add more stress to their lives, just to be able to dress whenever. Seems a bit selfish, unless as I said, one plans on living as a woman fulltime.Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tamara~
If only that were true. Then our world would be free of a lot of gossip, many rumors, eavesdropping, supermarket tabloids, the Jerry Springer show, the Maury show, a lot of reality television, and so forth. A lot of 'entertainment' these days is precicely the act of prying into personal lives, issues, conflicts, whatever. Companies are making big profits off of displaying and exploiting people's personal affairs, especially if the public deems them to not be normal, because the public loves to watch and learn about other people's problems. The mental conditioning that the media has done with shows and tabloids hasn't helped the old habit of finding out little secrets about neighbors, and people's relations with their community have been hindered in some cases because of spreading rumors. And those rumors spread because people care about what other people do behind closed doors. In fact, the biggest example that people care what other people do in their own privacy is the outward belittling of the homosexual community, and the fact that there has been serious talk of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, and some states making many form of relations unlawful for a gay couple. And the only reason they'd restrict much of what a gay couple can do is because they fear what goes on behind those closed doors, because they care about the personal life, and because prying into personal lives is a common practice.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
I am sorry that my post seems to enhance the idea that the paranoia not only exists but is rampant in our community, and we all don't have Big Brother in our personal lives 24/7. But rumors and misgivings about someone's personal life can happen anywhere, and people will encourage such behavior because it's in their nature, no thanks in part to the media. Because of that I believe Rachael Warren's scenario is a valid one, as even a small act such as the little child's comments can avalanche into something larger, and has.
No careful intelligent person can be exploited without consent.
And that is exactly why telling young children is risky. It's almost like giving consent to them to say whatever they wish when they are out of your control, unless you wish to supervise them all the time, nonstop. Children do say the darnedest things, and that television show is based off of the simple premise that children are unpredictable. And the people who overhear the children are just as unpredictable with how they will deal with what they are told, whether they will dismiss it as 'cute talk' or form a rumor out of it. Thus, one would have to be careful and intelligent to realize that it is very, very possible that word can spread beyond immediate family, especially if children know. Telling them "it's a secret" hardly cuts it, either.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
Katie,
Can't say what you should do but can say what we did with my son. Knowing his mother would not be with us for too much longer we sat him down and explained that dad was "wired" a little different than other people.
He had seen the edge of a camisole I was wearing when we were wrestling around on the living room floor. So he had a clue but did not know what he had a clue about.
He was 10 or 11 at that time and accepted things just fine. I do not wander around the house dressed but he has cought me in lingerie. We just looked at each other and went on about our business. He had returned from a friends early and came in the house before I could get out of sight. He never brought it up in conversation, it's just dad being weird.
Also he knows that to tell will cause both of us problems, so he has not revealed this to others. He has enough problems with some of the kids so understands not to add to the pile.
Best of luck. Hugs Krystal
Update... My daughter Tiffany caught me in the basement cutting some lumber for a project I was working on. She had noticed my pink toes. She knows I paint them, but got upset with me. She had asked if I was using her pink again. I politly said no, It was my pink not hers. She said fine, I should buy my own anyways... than when back up stairs. What a kid? I did buy some new Ice Frost last night (en fem), anyways :rolleyes: .
Dawn told her parents last night, all is well... I am completely out the closet now except for my kids, I think they know and don't care anyways. I spent the day in fem (except make-up) and went everywhere with them. All is good.
:hugs:
Katie,
That's good news indeed. It sounds like the issue with your daughter and the nail polish may have had more to do with personal property than with the fact that you're actually painting your nails. Sounds like she's just fine with it.
Congratulations... all's well in Springfield now. :)