A little white lie

So my bestie (i.e. best friend, i.e. not my girlfriend), Elizabeth, wanted me to pose this question to the fine folks here at CD.com and, as always, I'll be prefacing this with a story before I ask it.

You see, Alex (aka boy mode me) and Lexi... as I consider it... are two different people. They each have their own Facebook accounts, they're own hobbies, fashion, motivations, and ways of communicating. They're different enough that, even though I describe them as twins, they're very distinct from one another. The only thing that ties them together is that they share the same body and ideals.

Yesterday, Elizabeth and I were to meet at her aunt's house and, from there, go shopping for my outfits for this weekend. As dictated, I had to be Lexi in order to ensure that the outfits fit. Now, her aunt has met Alex before and, because of this, Elizabeth introduced me to one of her relatives as Lexi but didn't introduce me to the rest of the people present.

After we left her aunt's house, Elizabeth said that she didn't feel comfortable introducing me to her family again since they've already met me as Alex. She doesn't ever want to lie to her family, for fear of karma, so she's trying to avoid coming out and lying on my behalf. So in a sense, this lie has become a question of morality.

Keep in mind, that she's okay with introducing me to people I've never met before. She only has an issue with re-introducing me to people who have already met one side of me.

So the question I'd like to pose to you all is how should she approach this? Is she making too much of a big deal out of this? Should she respect my wishes in lieu of her own moral code? Or should she out me to everybody she meets without my consent? Of course, the answers can be more than the ones I proposed, but we're curious to hear your answers.

Thanks in advance!

Why don't you say, "hi, I'm Lexi"?

I would have her tell her family, " You remember Lexi." Then see where they go with it after that.

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Originally Posted by CallMeMeg

Why don't you say, "hi, I'm Lexi"?

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That just feels weird to me. If we were not at someone else's house, I'd be completely fine to introduce myself this way as it allows for that sort of behavior. After all, it's not as if I was invited to their home to begin with. Elizabeth told them that her friend was picking her up to go shopping after hanging out. It's their home, and based off of Elizabeth's actions, a very traditionally conservative one.

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Originally Posted by Angelofsomekind

I would have her tell her family, " You remember Lexi." Then see where they go with it after that.

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That constitutes as a lie on her part, but I'll pass your answer on because I think it's worth mentioning :)

My problem is that I don't really see where the lie is.
They have meet the Alex side of you and now they are meeting the Lexi side of you. It would seem okay to introduce this new side so people know how to address you. Calling you Alex wouldn't be proper nor would saying "hey what's your name"

P.S. I love the line
As dictated, I had to be Lexi in order to ensure that the outfits fit.

Isn't rough when you have to be Lexi. :)

I've seen your pics and I think you look great. :) I wouldn't recognize you as your guy self when you're Lexi.

But these are pics, not RL. Maybe you need to have a deeper discussion with your gf. Might she fear that her family will recognize you, and ask more questions than you are both comfortable to answer? Maybe it's just time to come out to her family as well?

Just a thought.

I guess that when in Elizabeth's house you go with Elizabeth's rules. If she is uncomfortable for whatever the reason, then live with it.

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Originally Posted by StaceyJane

My problem is that I don't really see where the lie is.
They have meet the Alex side of you and now they are meeting the Lexi side of you. It would seem okay to introduce this new side so people know how to address you. Calling you Alex wouldn't be proper nor would saying "hey what's your name"

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That's an interesting approach, and makes a lot of sense. I wouldn't want to be called Alex when I'm Lexi.

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Originally Posted by StaceyJane

Isn't rough when you have to be Lexi. :)

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I know, so rough! :)

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Originally Posted by charlie

I guess that when in Elizabeth's house you go with Elizabeth's rules. If she is uncomfortable for whatever the reason, then live with it.

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The scope of this question surpasses the realm of her family, so if there was a friend she introduced Alex to, she feels wrong to introduce Lexi to this person again.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Might she fear that her family will recognize you, and ask more questions than you are both comfortable to answer? Maybe it's just time to come out to her family as well?

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Actually, I think I'll be okay introducing myself as the same person to her family.

In general, my best friend has a problem re-introducing me to people who have met at least one side of me. If I think about it, if she has a problem with this, then why am I spending all this time creating this other identity if she's going to basically out me as the same person to begin with and risk being treated like Alex? She doesn't think I'll be treated the same way people view Alex, but that remains to be seen. That would be one of those "I told you so!" moments, which obviously would happen after the fact.

But yes, partly the reason why she wanted me to ask this is that she feels uncomfortable lying about the situation and having to lie even further to cover up my identity (i.e. Alex has a twin, Lexi. They're fraternal twins, etc etc)

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Originally Posted by ohitsjustalex

If I think about it, if she has a problem with this, then why am I spending all this time creating this other identity if she's going to basically out me as the same person to begin with and risk being treated like Alex?

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Of course I'm not your friend so I can't know what she's thinking, but I can speak from the POV of being in a relationship with someone who presents as either gender at different times. You see, to me my SO is one and the same person. Always. For people who know her just in femme mode she is just her femme self. The opposite is true for people who just know him in guy mode. Then he is just his guy self. But there are people who know both his/her selves, and to them he is a CD, predominately either him or her, depending on their own personal constructs about him or her.

It is your choice to present as twins, but it is pushing it in terms of honesty. It's OK on a lark if it is with people you don't know or are at best acquaintances, but it does seem disingenuous to friends and family, since they should know that you are one and the same person, who wishes to present as different genders at different times.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

It is your choice to present as twins, but it is pushing it in terms of honesty. It's OK on a lark if it is with people you don't know or are at best acquaintances, but it does seem disingenuous to friends and family, since they should know that you are one and the same person, who wishes to present as different genders at different times.

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I understand that it's definitely dishonest to try and rationalize that Lexi and Alex are two different people. How else can one explain it?

I think the deeper issue, as I've come to understand it by reading everyone's posts (Thank you!) is that the reason why I've created these two identities to begin with is to preserve the sanctity of Lexi's femininity. I don't want people to treat Lexi as, "Lexi, the cross-dressed version of Alex," but rather "Lexi, the girl." By splitting identities, there is a clear and distinct way that people will treat either person. This brings up the question whether or not people know that Lexi is Alex, and the answer to that is, "Well, most of my immediate friends and some co-workers know... as well as Elizabeth's business partners."

Otherwise, I am okay with Lexi known to be Alex but only if I've developed enough rapport with them to merit it. In fact, most of Lexi's jokes are directed towards her relationship with her "brother."

I guess in saying that, I've answered our question - but I'd still like to hear more opinions on the matter.

Alex/Lexi,

Elizabeth was obviously uncomfortable with setting. Pushing her against her feelings has the strong risk of causing her more anxiety. So be forewarned, this could cause your relationship some problems. Based on what you have posted, I would suspect there is more to this situation than what she has revealed. Some people naturally have a need to "test the waters" before leaping ahead of their concerns. Be patient for now and sensitive to her desires. Then wait for the opportune moment to discuss the matter.

My 3 cents worth.

Babette

I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were presenting alex and Lexi as twins and not just yourself.
I can see her problem now.

Do you really think they can't see the truth?

Lexi - I really think that is healthier in the long run to be one person - an identity that may present as Lexi or Alex as she/he prefers, but not as tow distinct beings. its just too confusing...and gosh talk about bad karma!

The "lying" bit is why I say "call me Meg." It feels less than honest to say "I'm Meg" or "my name is Meg".

Well I DO have a few thoughts!
First and foremost, under no circumstances should she set aside her own moral code to please you or anyone else. Honor and integrity are not attributes to be turned off and on as is convenient - you either have them or you don't.

My next thought is that maybe you should reconsider your choice of names. I say "reconsider" because I'm pretty sure that if your boy name is Alex, you must have considered going by Alexandra - a beautiful name in my opinion. Had you chosen to go by it, you conveniently skip around every one of these issues because she can introduce you as "Alex" either way - it's gender neutral.

My next point, with all due respect to ReineD (who I think is awesome) and her post saying otherwise, I think you are blessed to look fairly feminine in both male and female modes. The down side of this for you, is that I think Alex does look quite a bit like Lexi. Do you really think that folks you have met and spoken to as Alex aren't going to recognize you as Lexi?

You listed only the following options:

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Originally Posted by ohitsjustalex

1. Should she respect my wishes in lieu of her own moral code?
   
2. Or should she out me to everybody she meets without my consent?

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If you intend to meet, interact, and visit with the same people as both Alex and Lexi, it's just a question of time, and in my opinion a very short amount of time, before they figure it out. If you intend to do this very brave and "out" thing, why don't you just cowboy up and tell them?
No lies are told, and no one feels duped when they find out later that you have fooled them.

My last thought is that you need someone to smack you upside the head. You have a friend that is willing to hang out with you. She is willing to share time, life , and laughs with you, and even go shopping with you, and your quibbling over the small stuff?! :slap:

Is it absolutely necessary for you to meet her family? If so then you must explain what the situation is or will have to choose either alex or lexi to be around them exclusively so as they do not catch on.

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Originally Posted by Babette

Based on what you have posted, I would suspect there is more to this situation than what she has revealed.

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During the discussion yesterday, she alluded to the fact that someone potentially can talk smack about Alex when I'm present as Lexi and vice-versa. I'm not sure why she even brought that up, so I asked her if there was something that her relatives told her about me and she denied it. I suspect that they asked her about me and perhaps they recognized me. Otherwise, she denies it completely and claims her aunt didn't associate both Alex and me.

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Originally Posted by StaceyJane

I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were presenting alex and Lexi as twins and not just yourself.
I can see her problem now.

Do you really think they can't see the truth?

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Honestly, I don't know. I am out to a lot of people about Lexi. And when I mean a lot, I mean 90% of the people I've met and worked with, except my family. So I'm not really sure how to verify this without outing myself.

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

Lexi - I really think that is healthier in the long run to be one person - an identity that may present as Lexi or Alex as she/he prefers, but not as tow distinct beings. its just too confusing...and gosh talk about bad karma!

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I really don't want to live as just either Lexi or Alex because, for one, I've lived my entire life as a boy, and turning into a girl doesn't interest me enough to transition. I find solace in the fact that I have a visual and behavioral way to express my inner feelings and emotions when stepping into Lexi's shoes. And again... for the most part, a lot of people associate both Alex and Lexi so I'm not sure where this anxiety from all this is coming from.

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Originally Posted by CallMeMeg

The "lying" bit is why I say "call me Meg." It feels less than honest to say "I'm Meg" or "my name is Meg".

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That's an interesting take on that :)

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

My next thought is that maybe you should reconsider your choice of names. I say "reconsider" because I'm pretty sure that if your boy name is Alex, you must have considered going by Alexandra - a beautiful name in my opinion. Had you chosen to go by it, you conveniently skip around every one of these issues because she can introduce you as "Alex" either way - it's gender neutral.

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It actually WAS Alex before. Between March and May of this year on the forums, I was fine being addressed as Alex. However, a point of contention was brought up when some of my close friends were getting confused on Facebook as to who was posting what since both my boy mode and girl mode sides are named Alex on their profiles. One of my friends suggested the name, "Lexi" as a way to differentiate both identities and that's become my girl mode name ever since.

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

I think you are blessed to look fairly feminine in both male and female modes.

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I actually took that as a really nice complement, considering I dress androgyne too :) Thank you :D!

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

The down side of this for you, is that I think Alex does look quite a bit like Lexi. Do you really think that folks you have met and spoken to as Alex aren't going to recognize you as Lexi?

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I was hoping that I could make Lexi look dramatically different from Alex but sadly, by growing my hair longer, painting my nails black, and doing other things that affect both Alex and Lexi and tying them with distinct features, the idea that they're two different people might as well be thrown out the window :(

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

No lies are told, and no one feels duped when they find out later that you have fooled them.

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Somehow, I never considered this. I feel like an idiot :(

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

My last thought is that you need someone to smack you upside the head. You have a friend that is willing to hang out with you. She is willing to share time, life , and laughs with you, and even go shopping with you, and your quibbling over the small stuff?! :slap:

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It is pretty small stuff, but I didn't really think it was a big enough of a deal until she brought it up. And it wasn't a matter of, "Alex, we can't keep doing this." It was more along the lines of, "Hey, I want you to pose a question on the forum you frequent." Either way, Alex has already smacked me a couple of times after reading a lot of the responses siding with Elizabeth and my head hurts in the process x_o; I need to take migraine medication after all that...

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Originally Posted by Penny Perfect

Hmmm...I was just about to chime in when txKimbely said it for me (and better than I could anyway). Under no circumstance should you ever put a friend in a position where she must decide to lie for/because of you. But it sounds like you have a pretty awesome friend. Just count your blessings and enjoy her company. :)

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Thanks Penny. I'm definitely getting a lot of clarity with reading all the responses. And rest assured that I will pass on everyone's responses to Elizabeth!

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Originally Posted by iloveps

Is it absolutely necessary for you to meet her family? If so then you must explain what the situation is or will have to choose either alex or lexi to be around them exclusively so as they do not catch on.

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Yesterday was a pretty unique situation where I had to pick her up at her aunt's place since she was already nearby my place. Lots of other factors played out as to why I had to pick her up from there, but it's inconsequential to this. I basically told Elizabeth yesterday while we were talking about it that I just might not show up and meet any of her family members because I'd feel bad putting her in all these situation, to which she replied that it applies to other people as well and not just family.

There is ONE particular thing that hasn't been addressed though, and is probably one of those things where I'll just have to accept or see how they play out.

One of the main reasons why I created two identities to begin with is so that people will treat Alex and Lexi with the appropriate gender assigned to each. I'm afraid that when I do come out as being both that they'll only treat me as a boy, regardless of my outward presentation.

In which case, I would feel terrible... even violated... if this were to happen and would probably even consider not interacting with these people ever again. Obviously, I'm ill prepared for this scenario, but do you feel that this reaction is justified or is it just me being completely infantile about all this?

And thank you for all the responses. It'll give Elizabeth A LOT to read tonight. I wasn't lying when I told you all that she's interested in your responses :)

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

My next point, with all due respect to ReineD (who I think is awesome) and her post saying otherwise, I think you are blessed to look fairly feminine in both male and female modes. The down side of this for you, is that I think Alex does look quite a bit like Lexi. Do you really think that folks you have met and spoken to as Alex aren't going to recognize you as Lexi?

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[SIZE="1"](Psssst, Kim ... I think we're kinda saying the same thing)[/SIZE] :)

And I think you're awesome too. :hugs:

Back to Alex/Lexi .. you say the reason for the split personas is for people to treat you purely as Lexi when you're Lexi, without being tainted by the knowledge that you were born as Alex.

You can't keep that up for any length of time. No matter how you see yourself, people have a nasty habit of transposing their own view of the world onto others. Your only recourse if you want these results, is to become Lexi permanently and go stealth. If this is not what you want, then trust that even people who know Alex, if they are accepting of gender variances, will respect that you want to be treated like Lexi when you are Lexi. :)

Reading your responses to my post, it occurs to me that it might have come off as harsh and I really hadn't intended it that way. I think your awesome, not just because your cute, but because you care about things like this. You care about being true to yourself, you care about your friends, and I've liked pretty much everything I've seen you post.
Anyway, didn't want you to take my post the wrong way Alex, or Lexi, or who ever the hell you are right now . . .
:D

So you have a first name and a last. I assume during your "morphing" between Lexi and Alex you overlooked the issue of a middle name?
Therefore use this: Your GF can introduce you ... "And of course, this is Lexi Alex Brown. Lexi for short". Shake hands, hug, smiles, kiss kiss - no lie, problem solved. It's a nickname. That's cool to everyone. We don't ever have to explain where nicknames come from, do we? (O.K., except for a girl I knew in high school by the name of "Friskie Trixie" :eek: )


P.S. Have no clue what your last name really is, so I used a generic for demonstrational puposes only :D

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Originally Posted by ReineD

trust that even people who know Alex, if they are accepting of gender variances, will respect that you want to be treated like Lexi when you are Lexi. :)

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So far there's really only one person who treats me the same way as both Lexi and Alex, and it's one of Elizabeth's business partners. Since Elizabeth and her business partners are Hispanic they do this thing where the girls kiss guys on the cheek (except Alex... wait a minute!) when they leave as a way to say goodbye, and him and I aren't too comfortable to be interacting in THAT way. LOL

Either way, I suppose the only thing I can do is hope for the best.

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

Reading your responses to my post, it occurs to me that it might have come off as harsh and I really hadn't intended it that way. I think your awesome, not just because your cute, but because you care about things like this. You care about being true to yourself, you care about your friends, and I've liked pretty much everything I've seen you post.
Anyway, didn't want you to take my post the wrong way Alex, or Lexi, or who ever the hell you are right now . . .
:D

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I know that your post was meant to support and not to offend, so I didn't take it that way in the end. Besides, you gave me a big complement! How could I ever take that as offense? LOL

You're right though, I care about my friends deeply which is why I'm posing this on their behalf. I would've posted this question anyway even if she didn't ask me to.

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Originally Posted by Penny Perfect

I can completely understand why you would feel violated and think it's justified. I feel the same way. I know that makes eveything more difficult - both for you and for Elizabeth.

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Yea. I mean I know Elizabeth so well that if someone mistreats me as a guy when I'm a girl that she'll take it personally and demand that person to do the right thing. She's quite a friend. And if it means anything, she's an "Aquarius." LOL

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Miller

So you have a first name and a last. I assume during your "morphing" between Lexi and Alex you overlooked the issue of a middle name?

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Yea I did actually. Alex Lexi or Lexi Alex whatever my last name is sounds redundant, but better than my real middle name. Ugh.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Miller

P.S. Have no clue what your last name really is, so I used a generic for demonstrational puposes only :D

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LOL I dunno why Bobby Brown is coming to mind right now LOL

You should respect her wishes. Being in a relationship means that you don't always get your way. Compromise means that both of you decide together and she is doing this to protect you as much as herself.

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Originally Posted by AKAMichelle

You should respect her wishes. Being in a relationship means that you don't always get your way. Compromise means that both of you decide together and she is doing this to protect you as much as herself.

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I think that's what's going to have to happen anyway. I'm not one to ignore my close friends' opinions just because I want something done my way. I'll gladly compromise so everyone's happy. It's just the way I am :)

And BTW people, she's my bestie... my best friend! We're not dating! LOL

I also am two distinct personalities. Tina and I share the data bank in our shared brain, but (as my wife cogently explained) we use this data differently. We have different opinions on certain topics and view the world through a different lense.

If you are going to maintain both personalities publically, if the people you interact with regularly don't get to know both sides of your personality they will be confused at the very least, and embarassed at worst when they say or do something that is totally wrong for your current personality (name is just one issue).

Thus, at least for family, this needs to be explained, and I don't see the big issue if, in fact, you are going to be "out" to your family. I do think that it's the case that when you've been introduced in your male mode, you are being introduced as that personality. By introducing you in the Lexi mode, it is being made clear that this is a different entity and needs to be met again. How that is done can have as many variations as the stars, and that's where the compromise between the two of you has to happen so that neither of you is uncomfortable.

tina

Actually, I'm not sure I see what the big deal is. I'd accept being called either Alex or Lexi if I was in the same position. Lexi sounds enough like a pet name for your girl to address you with and not with a total feminine conotation. It would be different if your name was John or Jeff but Alex versus Lexi in couple speak is no big deal to me. Would you hesitate to be called darling or honey or dear in public? Now if she called you Judy or Jennifer or Alice that might perhaps be more of a problem. I'd jusr ignore it and get on with your life.
Dawn

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Originally Posted by suchacutie

I also am two distinct personalities. Tina and I share the data bank in our shared brain, but (as my wife cogently explained) we use this data differently. We have different opinions on certain topics and view the world through a different lense.

If you are going to maintain both personalities publically, if the people you interact with regularly don't get to know both sides of your personality they will be confused at the very least, and embarassed at worst when they say or do something that is totally wrong for your current personality (name is just one issue).

Thus, at least for family, this needs to be explained, and I don't see the big issue if, in fact, you are going to be "out" to your family. I do think that it's the case that when you've been introduced in your male mode, you are being introduced as that personality. By introducing you in the Lexi mode, it is being made clear that this is a different entity and needs to be met again. How that is done can have as many variations as the stars, and that's where the compromise between the two of you has to happen so that neither of you is uncomfortable.

tina

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I think the challenge is to try to figure out how Elizabeth would still speak the truth without lying because she feels unable to deal with the fact that she knows Alex and Lexi are the same people and that she's essentially fooling her relatives into thinking that they're completely different entities.

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Originally Posted by DawnRodgers

Would you hesitate to be called darling or honey or dear in public?

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Actually I would hesitate considering we're not even dating and... if anything... she'd be way overly conscious about that sort of thing because it implies that we're together :)

Lexi is the universally accepted name for my girl side. While it might not be a big deal to some, we (collectively, meaning myself and my friends) use these names to identify what gender side of me they're talking about. It removes the awkwardness of saying "Alex, the boy" or "Alex, the girl."

But the issue here isn't about what my best friend should call me... the issue is should my best friend lie and introduce me again to people who have met one side of me already and, if so, are there other ways to introduce Lexi and Alex as two completely different individuals just as I had hoped them to be.

Here's the thing. Aside from your own bff's wishes (and yes, unlike most others on this thread, I get that she's your best friend and not your GIRLFRIEND), you also have to realize that most of the people you meet do not have the same empathy for the transgendered psyche as you do, or as your friend does even. Furthermore, you may have to consider that while you may be very passable, and your pictures suggest that you are, people who have met you for any considerable amount of time as Alex will probably read you as Lexi, even if not right away.

While you may insist on hoping that people see Lexi and Alex as two different people, you also have to understand that it's asking a lot of people who are less initiated to this world than you, to not only accept you for how you dress, but also jump through the mental hoops that you're setting up for them to treat you differently.

Furthermore, she isn't outing you to everyone she meets without your consent. If you're choosing to be in a situation where someone who knows Alex meets you as Lexi, you're choosing for there to be the strong possibility that you'll be read by them.

Now, if the preference is for you to have people refer to you as Alex in boy mode and Lexi in girl mode, that can be expressed in a way that is less mentally trying for everyone, even if means letting go of the outward concept that you're two different people.

Wow ryan explained it spot on! I wholeheartedly agree!

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

If you intend to meet, interact, and visit with the same people as both Alex and Lexi, it's just a question of time, and in my opinion a very short amount of time, before they figure it out. If you intend to do this very brave and "out" thing, why don't you just cowboy up and tell them?
No lies are told, and no one feels duped when they find out later that you have fooled them.

My last thought is that you need someone to smack you upside the head. You have a friend that is willing to hang out with you. She is willing to share time, life , and laughs with you, and even go shopping with you, and you're quibbling over the small stuff?!

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I have to agree ( thought I'm doubtful that many cowboys were CD's & came out ).

Unless your name is Sybil, you aren't two distinct personalities.

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Originally Posted by JiveTurkeyOnRye

While you may insist on hoping that people see Lexi and Alex as two different people, you also have to understand that it's asking a lot of people who are less initiated to this world than you, to not only accept you for how you dress, but also jump through the mental hoops that you're setting up for them to treat you differently.

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Well, yea now I get that part.

Now I'm trying to figure out where the anxiety comes from with all this because there was a time period when Alex and Lexi weren't treated distinctly different. The only thing I can think of is the way that my close friends describe either side, and somewhere maybe I thought that it would be okay to present myself in that manner so I went with it and thought it was a good idea.

Either way, this discussion is beyond the scope of this thread and I'll post an appropriate thread on it should I require additional assistance. :)

I will be sending the responses from this thread to Elizabeth today, so if any of the mods can lock this thread that would be much appreciated ;)

I don't know, I don't feel like I'm lying when I say "my name is wynonna" when I'm dressed, becasue in my heart and mind, this is who I am.

Or hey, try this, one day I went into a bank where I've done buisness for a long time, I got the wild hair to go in there dressed... The teller adressed me by my drab name. (luckily I was the only customer in there at the time)
Anywho, I leane in a bit, and in a soft tone said, "It's Wynonna today"... Adding that little "TODAY" may make a difence to your freind.
However, now I have all the tellers calling me by my fem name, regardless of how I present.