Telling the kids?

I read in this and other forums and hear from other girls I meet. A common thing is for those of us that are married with kids, our wives do not want the kids to know.

Okay, so I get it somewhat. Kids say things they shouldn't to the wrong people all the time, they probably shouldn't know too much about the family secrets.

On the other hand there is a negative effect. I want my kids to understand diversity and not to hold prejudice. How am I supposed to teach them that when I can't even tell them their father is a cross dresser?

Maybe I worry unnecessarily, but what do you think, should the kids know?

My wife and I decided before our kids were born that we would not keep my crossdressing secret from our kids. We reasoned that it would be better to not promote dishonesty in the home. If we tried to keep major secrets from the kids and they found out, then they might think it is OK for them to keep secrets from us. We followed through on that and in our case it worked. Our kids have always been very honest with my wife and I. They both grew up seeing me crossdressed fairly often and there were no problems resulting from that. Our daughter is now 35 and married (yes, her husband knows about me) and our son is 31. I am still "daddy" no matter how I am dressed.

I'm interested in this as well as I have a son. He is way too young to understand now, but I'd like to be able to continue to express my feminine side as he grows up and I'm concerned about how he would feel about it. I've read that there was a study that followed a bunch of M2F CDers for years and also their children. The result of the study said that fathers that accepted themselves (and were happy) and told the children young (5-ish) had much better results than fathers that either told them later or were not as accepting of themselves (or were depressed about it). Of course, it has to be a decision that both parents make together.

The kids are a very convienent tool to have a great degree of CONTROL over the extent of your crossdressing habits. You wife proably has the insight to know that the kids are one of the last big walls to you dressing FAR FAR more often.

Knowing what I know now, I would have told my family including kids from and early time. It would have saved a lot of issues, most likely would have turned out differently.

I believe in honesty. It still bothers me that my parents filled me with B.S. about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, etc. How can you possibly consider it a good thing to be dishonest about being yourself? The only reason to keep it secret is because somebody is only tolerating it and not really accepting it as OK. If your kids find it interesting, isn't it a better drug-of-choice than all of the illegal drugs out there? If not, they may meet a young, confused crossdresser at school and give them some acceptance.

Good question, Abigail. If I can piggy-back on your question, what about telling other people, say being out in general, when you have kids? (I don't have kids, but I could some day, it's possible). Right now my partner knows about me, but not other people, and I don't like this secretiveness thing. But on the other hand if I had kids I would not want other people treating them badly because of who I am. Any thoughts?

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Originally Posted by Katrina

I'm interested in this as well as I have a son. He is way too young to understand now, but I'd like to be able to continue to express my feminine side as he grows up and I'm concerned about how he would feel about it. I've read that there was a study that followed a bunch of M2F CDers for years and also their children. The result of the study said that fathers that accepted themselves (and were happy) and told the children young (5-ish) had much better results than fathers that either told them later or were not as accepting of themselves (or were depressed about it). Of course, it has to be a decision that both parents make together.

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I'd love to see this study. Do you remember where it was done?

Zoe, that is actually one of our reasoning's for secrecy. We don't want our kids to be discriminated against if people in the schools or neighborhood find out. But I am beginning to think this a bad reason and may backfire on us. It's like being over protective. Kids need to experience such things so they can build defenses against them and be stronger for the bigger issues.

I've been looking for someone to post a way for me to tell my kids! I haven't seen it here yet!

I think around 4 to 7 is a good age to tell your kids. Because they won't ask any questions! I didn't even start dressing until mine were much older!

I should STILL tell my older kids shouldn't I? And, I will when I find an honest, yet acceptable answer to their inevitable first question: "WHY!?"

Like many of us I find myself in the same position. Although my Mrs is aware and approves only one of my daughters knows and she DOES NOT approve. My daughters (19 and 20) moved in with us last summer and it has not been easy keeping things "under cover". My youngest confided in me that she was bi sexual and I thought that this was a good time to be honest with her about my dressing. She said she understood it but did not want to see me dressed. ANd her sister does not have a clue but in talking to her in general terms she doesn't accept it at all. I know that it is just a matter of time before all of this blows up in my face, but what's a girl to do???

This is an issue that comes up from time to time on this forum, and you'll probably see a wide range of answers. My kids are ages 2 and 5. My wife and I have both agreed that we wouldn't tell, mostly for fear of how they would be treated by their friends and those friends' parents if the news got around -- they are really too young to expect them to keep it secret. However, we are raising them to be open-minded and accepting of diversity. They have met lesbian and gay friends of ours (although we didn't point out sexual orientation). My daughters know I take ballet lessons, and have painted my toe nails. When my older daughter makes gender-stereotyping comments, I call her on it. In fact just last night, after she and my wife decided to do pedicures and invited me to join, she said "Your feet look like a girl's." and the apologized for saying it. " I calmly said, "Why can't guys have painted toe nails? Anyway, no need to apologize. I think girls are pretty cool, so I don't mind being compared to them."

I have seen children go to school and be bullied badly because of there father going out dressed. They dreaded going to school.
I know I am in a minority here but I would never tell them, or go out dressed. Our children and there happiness comes 1st by a long way.
It’s all very well saying we believe in honesty but the world we live in is not as black and white as that. Sometimes we just have to compromise. Especially when it comes to the welfare of our children.


SUZY

Yes I have heard it for years don't tell this one or that one because. You pick the reason. Well I didn't tell my kids untill they were older. Then when I finally got up the corrage to tell them. My daugther tells me. Oh daddy get real we already know you crossdress. Seens as the kids were growning up they found things in my dresser that obviously were not there mom's. It turned out to be no big deal. So you can tell them or not. But kids find out like the wives find out sooner or later anyway. If you tell them maybe you can explain things a little better then when they find it out thenselves and not go by what others say about it. Not tell a wife we all know what happens it is never that great of an outcome. Not tell the kids that could have the same effect as what the wife would feel if you lie to her about it. Yes I say lied because not tell a wife is the same as lieing. That I have also been told hundreds of times. Up to you in the end. Talk to your wife and just let her know what could happen if they found out by accident then deside what to do and how you want to handle it. Just my 2 cents.

You will find kids just accept whatever is put in front of their eyes. Mainly because they are innocent.

If your wife doesn't want to tell, then why can't you instead?

Being dishonest to your own children is wrong in my view.

People mention bullying. I don't recall girls who started to wear pants getting bullied at all. It is a non-existent fear in your own head.

There are many ways to look at this as with all things in life but my personal view is that it is OK or good to bring your children up to see you in what ever clothes you want to wear but not change your identity to much , in other words wear a skirt or dress but forget the wig and heavy makeup as just my personal view is this will confuse them to much in the sense that if you are a male and want to wear a dress then wear one you do not have to hide who you are , but i understand the ones that go all the way as that is their choice .

There are many things that parents don't share with their children. Being transgendered is just one more of the hundreds of topics that we decide to share with our children or not. It just goes with the territory and is unique to each family situation.

(NB. I don't have children, never desired children and all I know about children I have learned from observation)

One of the huge arguments about telling kids is that they would not understand. I don't know what they would not understand unless it is the fact that there have been thoughts placed in their head that are now coming into question. We teach children from an early point. We teach them to not play with fire, don't play with the medications, that strange dogs may bite and don't go in the street. That is protection that is logical. Then we (or others near by) teach them our prejudices and fears. Watch out for the guy who sits on the park bench (we all know there is something wrong with a guy who sits on park benches), be careful of ethnic groups (fill in your own reasoning there), chocolate causes zits when you are 16, politicians are all crooked (ok maybe that might be true). But these things often really don't have a basis. So as a parent you decide to not tell your child about crossdressing, where do they learn about it? If you don't show that it is not a risk or mental illness or something else very bad, who will tell them. Right the neighbor who hates the neighbor who isn't from the same place you are (maybe another state...or the northside) who tell your children all the "bad" things that simply are not true. Once heard these things cannot be unheard and it takes a long time to rewrite that data. Isn't it easier to be upfront and honest? Truly this is part of the reason we have so much trouble coming out to our spouses because they have heard all the rumors about the "bad" things that CD's are and they have to really work to get passed that...why make that same mistake in our children? As the saying goes it is easier to instill good habit than it is to break bad ones. You have the opportunity to stop a prejudice. You teach them to not make assumptions about race, or ethnicity, or gender (I hope) or sexual preference. You help them overcome any prejudice they bring home with the above (again I hope). Yet we keep our own dressing from them to protect them? From what, our own fears? If you make it look bad it will appear to be bad. You teach them to do what they do to the best of their ability, that not being athletic, or mechanical, or even adept at math is not a bad thing. We each have our own set of skills and abilities, we tell them. We all are something in us that is special. You are good at art but you can't throw a football. You are great at building rockets but you cannot draw a straight line with a ruler. Yes, we tell our children to be who they are, to be proud of who they are...then we keep our secrets. How can you tell your child to be honest then lie and hide?

Protect them? You should protect them from hypocrisy, from prejudice, from treating people badly. You know what you went through being a TG and the feelings you have (had) so why not dispel those bad thoughts early?

Just my thoughts

My late wife knew I was a CD before we married. When we got married, we decided not to tell them. Almost 50 years later she died! I finally decided to tell them in 2009. They both asked me why I waited so long, and of course my response was that their Mom and I had made that decision years ago. They are completely O.K. with me crossdressing, but do not want me to do it around them!! Since I never have, that is not a problem!

My feeling now is that we should have told them when they were younger. Maybe not as small children, but at least when they were young teenagers! I think Lorileah said it very well!!

My son is 13 and I have not told him, if he finds any of my clothes or shoes and asks me I will but don't see the need to tell him about something that is private between me and my wife. I am sure he will take it fine but the point made about other children making negative comments is true especially when you live in a village that doesn't exactly embrace diversity.
We have been careful to ensure he treats everyone the same and quickly counter any silly comments made by his friends and their parents. If you are not white middle classed and very normal in our village they don't like it. Yes their attitude does want me to walk around the village in 5'' heels just to give them a shock and stick two fingers up to their attitude but while their is any possibility of any detrimental effect towards my son it's not happening.

Long before my son was born, I read extensively on this subject, both in books and on line. The result was that my wife and I agreed before he was born that I would not hide it from him, so he has been aware of it right from the beginning.

Everything that I was able to find at the time indicated that the best time for children to find out was before they started puberty. The only drawback is the (surprisingly small) risk of being outed accidently by your child. In my case, that has never been an issue. He seemed to realise very early that it wasn't something that he needed to tell other people.

The second best option was after they finished puberty, but that had the big disadvantage that they are quite likely to feel betrayed because you've hidden it from them for so long.

The absolute worst time, which is also the most likely time for them to find out without being told, is during puberty. Children will often look through their parents things during puberty, for all sorts of reasons including wanting to see if their parents have anything that they'd like to borrow, wanting to see if their parents have any sex toys or sexy clothes, or even looking to see if dad has a stash of magazines hidden away somewhere. The chance of a teenager stumbling upon a father's stash of female clothing is far higher than most realise, whether it's a son or daughter.

I have been concerned about negative impacts upon my son if people around him found out. Over time, I've come to realise that people at his school don't care. Other children have their own family peculiarities, including a lesbian grandmother (who knows about me), single and divorced parents, etc and there simply isn't anything significant enough about my crossdressing to cause him a problem. In a few years time when he starts taking an interest in girls, I may even be cool, :) All of my family and most if not all of my inlaws know about me, and while some don't approve, nothing comes back on my son as a consequence of that.

Im not ready to tell anyone hell I dont know if I was ready to tell my wife... what scares me is driving them away and I would never want to chance that I love them more then my own life...

This is a subject that I have been battling in my head for quite some time now. I wish there was some magic answer. Maybe it is time to talk about this with my wife.

Thank you all for the input that you have had so far.

This is a reoccurring theme I hear a lot from others. Usually when i try to figure out what to do with my own kids. This is something I have gone over many, many, many times in my own head. Not so mych about whether to tell them or not. I think my wife and I both agree that the kids will be very well aware of Jessica. I think our real question is when, how, and how much to tell. Our oldest is 5 now, and observant. We can't pull the wool over her eyes, thats for sure! But how to discuss this with her is troubling me. Also, do kids have a working knowledge, a physical knowlede, or a relationship with my (or our) female counterparts? I don't know! Honestly, it's going to be different for each and every person. Kinda thje same way we reward or punish our kids differently. You just do what works for your family. My wife and I have discussed this at great length though.

~Jessica

http://jessicastgworld.blogspot.com/

My wife wants our kids (if we have any) to know right away so it won't be an issue. I personally would like to wait until they are old enough to not tell everyone everything. I know some people who say their kids tell everyone everything, there are no secrets. I guess it depends on how the kid turns out though.

Our 9 yr old daughter has seen the different"faces'of Daddy for 4 yrs now..All newness has worn off and she is happy to have Daddy as Roger or Rogina.."Other's results may vary" lol

We've been through this recently. The kids had seen me dressed a few times for Halloween and other costume events. They didn't know that it was something I did otherwise. A few months back, though, I decided to go ahead and have the talk with my daughter (14 yrs old). She seemed to take it very well. She asked a few questions, I answered them, and then the subject was dropped and didn't come back up.

My son (9 yrs old) had made some negative comments about me dressing for Halloween, so I was reluctant to talk to him about it yet. That became a barrier to me being able to go out to events dressed up. If he wasn't supposed to know, then I could hardly walk out the door past him wearing a dress. That became too constricting. Last week, I decided he was going to have to get used to seeing me dressed up. I still haven't really talked to him about it. I just said that I was going out and would be dressing up as a woman. It didn't seem to bother him. I couldn't give him goodnight kisses with my makeup on, but we blew each other kisses and he was fine with it. I went out Monday and Tuesday, and haven't gotten any negative feedback from him yet.

On Tuesday, though, my daughter, who I had thought was so cool about it, giggled her head off, didn't want to look at me, and told me she wished I wouldn't do that in front of them. Knowing her as I do, I didn't take what she said too seriously. I just reminded her of Thumper's Rule. On Monday, as I was getting ready to head out to the club, she had told me that she couldn't wait until she was old enough to go to places like that. I interpret the two opposite reactions as evidence that she is mostly a prude but aspires to be a little wild now and then. In other words, she's her father's daughter. :)

Both my daughters are adults now but when they were in high school they both knew I dressed for an event at work. They helped me to pick out my outfit. Now in coversation they both agree that crossdressers can be hetero and both have said it was the person's choice. They don't say that they know I dress but they have seen some of my clothes. Billie Jean