Have you ever felt....

Have you ever felt, or been made to feel ashamed for dressing?
Not just ashamed but almost worthless or pathetic,just disgusting and wrong.
If so what makes some of us feel like that. I use to feel like that everytime after I dressed.
That was when I only did it as a sexual thing, before I opened up about it with my SO.
I felt bad about myself all the time for I tlike I was a gross being and it was just wrong.
Just curious how others feel or have felt. I felt relieved and liberated finally free and like
I wasn't doing anything wrong when my SO was so sweet and compassionate and
Accepting.
Has anyone ever made fun of you for it? How did that feel?

it our up bringing , real guys dont do that , , hopefully the guilt will go away completly some day

once I was caught by my twin brother.he told me I looked ridiculous and to get that stupid dress off :(
I was embarrassed and sad.if my twin felt that way everyone else would be worse :(

absolutely - those feelings of guilt and shame begin early and stay a long time - potentially through a lifetime - unless we are able to come to terms with ourselves.

Ever been made fun of - my god yes....caught wearing mascara, teased for throwing like a girl...and a hundred other things. It felt terrible at the time, partly because I disliked myself so much that I felt I deserved the abuse.

No one ever made me feel bad about crossdressing... I did that to myself.. Growing up... But not enough to make depressed... Overall I was a pretty happy outgoing kid but there were time when I questioned why I was like this... Not normal.. I guess from the start I must have realized that wearing my mothers clothes was "wrong". Else I wouldn't have hidden it away... And it wasn't till I read an article in Life magazine about transvestites in NYC that I realized I wasn't the only person like this... Still abnormal but not alone. Lol. And it took years and years to over come the "why am I not gay if I love to dress like a woman". Too bad I can't really pin point the exact day I said "hey... I am who I am and I like what I like".

Oh ya! been there. Growing up my dad told me I had a disease while the rest of the world seemed to make fun of boys-who-dressed-like-girls. I think I saw that same article Karren describes and saw I was not alone. Now I know that I am who I am and things are not going to change and I should just enjoy the ride. Too bad my wife doesn't agree more.

Yes, in the beginning I felt ashamed for dressing. We were brought up to think only manly thoughts. We were not allowed to show emotion. We would not be caught dead with anything girly even near us. This happened day in and day out for 18 years or so. Is it any wonder we might find ourselves feeling just a little shame over doing something girly even though we love it so much? OMG, what if someone sees me? Mom and Dad will be furious if they find out! The other boys will tease me relentlessly if they catch me! Look at all the taboos you are breaking just by dressing like a girl.

There is an old quote we can learn a lot from now, "You must first be comfortable with yourself, before you can be comfortable in the world". This means that when YOU finally accept and embrace this is who you are, only then will you become at ease with everything else around you. So what if some jerk calls you names? Yes, it does hurt but hold your head high and be proud of who you are. So what if someone sees you? You just tell them so what, this is what I like and be proud of who you are. Depending on your age and living arrangements, Mom and Dad can be kind of a difficult spot. If you are out living on your own, you can basically tell them to mind their own business and get over it, this is who I am. Still living with them is a diffrent story. You must adhere to their rules but a conversation about you and your dressing is warranted.

So, If you are feeling a bit guilty and ashamed for dressing and doing what feels so right, stop it right now! Hold your head up, smile for the camera, say ta ta and be on your merry way. Or, you could just tell them to kiss where the sun don't shine and keep out of my business. Be proud of who you are.

You are describing transphobia, specifically, internalized transphobia.

You can read about it here, but I've taken the liberty to extract the description of the internalization, which is found close to the bottom of the page under "Impact of Discrimination":

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Originally Posted by Trans Accessibility Project

Impact of Discrimination

Regardless of the nature of the discrimination suffered, whether it is because of our sexual orientation, race, age, religion, size, ability or gender identity, discrimination erodes our dignity, our ability to participate in society as equals, and our ability to experience ourselves as fully human. Riki Anne Wilchins writes:

There is something peculiarly incestuous about trans-experience. It robs us of our bodies, our intimate moments, our sexuality, our childhood. It robs us of honesty, of open friendship, of the luxury of looking into a mirror without pain staring back at us. It means hiding from friends and family, from spouses and children, as surely as it means hiding from the police car during an evening stroll, or from that knot of laughing boys down at the corner when we go out for a coke. In the end, it is as tiring as a constant pain and as barren as the bottom of an empty well at high noon. (1997, p. 21)

The impact of sustained discrimination is profound. Most transgendered people, like lesbians and members of other disadvantaged groups, grow up feeling isolated and acutely aware of being different. The constant barrage of negative messages can lead to internalized transphobia, with feelings of shame and self-hatred.

The abuse, anxiety and self-loathing instilled by genderism and transphobia permeate all aspects of a person's life. Some clinical reports suggest that over 70% of transsexuals have contemplated suicide at some point in their lives and between 17% and 20% have attempted suicide at least once. Transgendered youth report intense loneliness during adolescence and great difficulty finding acceptance or identification with mainstream youth and, often, gay and lesbian youth (Brown & Rounsley, 1996). Young transgendered heterosexuals, for example are not perceived to be so by others; and gay and lesbian transsexuals may be seen as heterosexual, though they identify with same-sex peers. The impact of growing up under the weight of discrimination can be as straight forward as knowing that you do not belong, and perhaps feeling that you do not deserve to belong.

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The only way to overcome this is to do precisely what you've done, which is to open up to others (even if it begins with one person), and take ownership of who you are. :)

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

And it took years and years to over come the "why am I not gay if I love to dress like a woman". Too bad I can't really pin point the exact day I said "hey... I am who I am and I like what I like".

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You hit the nail on the head. I used to ask myself that. Now, oh well. I just like to dress as a woman.

Yes i have had a great deal of fun made of me , have i been ashamed of myself, yes but only in the context that i felt ashamed of myself for getting my family made fun of but i am not ashamed of what i am even though it has cost me .

Well I have felt disgusted with myself and dirty and weird and shameful and lots of other things when I was much younger and funnily enough it was when I did it also sexually, well that is what I used to tell myself anyway - but once I saw the light and let me be me for what I am and the sexual aspect went, I never feel anything but liberated and happy and amazed at how much I enjoy being en femme and never a doubt that it is right for me now

As far as I am concerned it is how I am and I am happy with me

Have never been made to feel ashamed certainly not in my adult life,and im pretty sure no one could ever make me feel that way now.

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Originally Posted by black007

Have you ever felt, or been made to feel ashamed for dressing?
Not just ashamed but almost worthless or pathetic,just disgusting and wrong.

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All the time

My ex was aginst it, so she used shame as a tactic for discouragement.

Initially, I was coerced into CD'ing by my wife. I've never felt guilt, shame, remorse or anything negative about this activity. I only had very brief confusion about the unexpected feelings of thrill, excitement, joy, and calm; dressing brought me.

I haven't even felt guilty about sneaking a skirt or dress, here and there when my wife was at work; during my exploration phase. I guess I'm at complete ease with all feelings for dressing, since it was started initially by my lovely wife. Although, it is now further comforting, to not sneak clothes while she is away; or change out of a skirt before her arrival.

In regard to society or religion's imagined pressures/view upon myself. I have never had any feelings, zero, good or bad. I have no measured regard or care either way. My wife seems confused by this, but I have no embarrassment, or guilt for anything. And the more successful I become, and with age, the less of zero, I care about the view of those people outside my close circle. Also with age, I realize, there is no societal "norm"; and society's pressure is fully imagined. Whether it be CD'ing, or any other social expectation. Getting a little deep; sorry. ;)

Does this make me a sociopath? I should look that definition up.... I only care about the feelings and acceptance of those I love, and myself. (period.) And my-"self" feels comfortable in fitted clothing, sexy heels, and if I see a style I like on a woman; I'll give it a shot.

fifteen years ago I felt a rediculous amount of guilt & shame every time I shaved my legs. I felt that no woman would accept me, and everyone would regard me as a freak. My whole existence was based on a successful career (which, luckily these days I can't complain), and being what a man is supposed to be.


Then I hid in the closet, and didn't dress for 11 years, and tried to suppress it.....FAIL

Now it's a part of me, and I feel liberated, and more confident than I ever did. I have no problem with recieving criticism if/and when I get it. I spent most of my life being like this, I can't change. I'm reasonably happy now.

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Originally Posted by black007

worthless or pathetic,just disgusting and wrong.
If so what makes some of us feel like that. I use to feel like that everytime after I dressed.

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Baby, it breaks my heart knowing you ever felt that way. No one should feel so out of place in their own skin. My heart goes out to all who have unsupportive SO's or that feel wrong or disgusted, just know...YOURE BEAUTIFUL! WORK IT!

I have been in some dark places over this, beating myself up big time... but I also have had some of my greatest moments when dressed. We express these through posts continuously. I have beaten myself up so much, this really impacts how you are then perceived by others. My SO doesn't have to express her disgust... I have already felt it. When she does, she doubles the impact of it. Fortunately this rarely happens... just when I am not careful enough and something is "visible"... like I forget to put something out of sight.

So it is a strange ride isn't it...? Up.. down...

I am in a place now where I guess Karren and others are... I am old enough to have finally learned and accept things, but now just have to deal with my situation the best I can. I still get all those feelings though at times, I just get over them a lot quicker!

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Originally Posted by black007

Have you ever felt, or been made to feel ashamed for dressing?
Not just ashamed but almost worthless or pathetic,just disgusting and wrong.
If so what makes some of us feel like that.

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Just about all my life! I pretty much did it to myself.

I'd try on one feminine thing, enjoy the feeling, but then experience deep guilt/foreboding/etc. for what I had done. I worried about getting caught. I worried about what my parents (even though deceased) would think about my "perversion". The only time I went beyond single items is when my family was out of town and still guilt and shame seemed to follow me. I kept it to myself and never looked at anything on the Internet, mostly because it never occurred to me to do so. I could talk to my wife only about individual items, but only in the "bedroom use" sense.

My life seemed to spiral downhill. I felt trapped, but I realized I had a wonderful wife and children and I didn't want "my problem" to ruin that.

Finally, something prompted me to do some Internet research. Some of what I found disturbed me, but then I found that there were other people out there who shared many of my own characteristics. The possibility that there were others like me hadn't really entered my mind. At that point I decided to start taking steps toward understanding my identity. This forum has been a big help in that regard.

It's not an instant change. I'm fighting against decades of engrained attitudes and habits. I still feel pangs of guilt. However, many long talks with my wife helped assure me that she was with me, even while she was still coping with the revelations that I had dumped on her.

Eryn

Ditto about everything everyone has written about this post so far. Have finally accepted myself in the last four or five years after coming out to my SO who has been very accepting. As Kaz said above I also still get the feelings but they are less strong and I get over them much quicker.

In a way i feel this way without even telling anyone.. It's the reason I don't tell anyone about my cross dressing.. I don't want anything to change..

I'm going to take a stab at this, and you're welcome to disagree with me if you wish.

We live in a society where it is considered weak and wrong to show weakness in any way. Women have been considered (or made to be) weak and submissive to men for millenia. Thank goodness these views are slowly changing, but this is still the fact. And when a woman dresses as a man, she's seen as strong. When a man dresses as a woman, he's seen as weak. Weak equates to terms like "lesser than" and "submissive". And these things help to diminish us in the eyes of others. It's a bit of a no win situation there, unfortunately.

We have been programmed to react to crossdressing in the very same way, and we have difficulty going against our own mental blueprints. So we feel afterwards, that we have emasculated ourselves, and done harm to ourselves and to society at large. We feel diminished, and ashamed.

Now, if you're also throwing sex into the mix, remember that it often ends in a rather large amount of male hormones thrown into the mix. Quite a rush! And there you sit.......Panties, pantyhose, heels, lacy slip, bra, falsies, makeup, nails....... And the guy in you, who's just woken up in a big way, says, "Geez, I'm wearing a freaking dress........"

So I ask ya.... Is it any wonder that from time to time you might feel like that? The trick is self-acceptance, and personal growth, and the ability to see that the prevailing attitudes got it all wrong, and that you're not hurting anyone at all. And half the people who don't understand have still wondered at least once in their lives what it's like to be all dolled up, or questioned their sexuality in some way - admit it or not. Some just have the courage to find out, I guess.

I have been a CD probably longer than most of you have been alive! Many years ago I did have some feelings of guilt when dressing enfemme. Probably for the same reasons that have been given. But shortly after I was married my dear late wife changed all that. One day she noticed that I was acting a little strange and asked me what was wrong. I told her about the guilty feeling. She said, "do you dress to please yourself or to please other people?" I told that I dress to please myself and her! She responded, "then why feel guilty about it? You are doing something you like that is not hurting anyone else! There is no reason at all to feel guilty about that!" That was over 50 years ago, and I have never had any bad feeling about dressing enfemme since then!! I know that I am a crossdresser, and I enjoy being one!! Yes, I am really a man, but I do like to wear feminine clothing!!

I was a teenager in the 1960's. Sexuality was not flaunted like it is today. There was no information on sexuality available in print and the Internet did not exist. Cross-dressing was equated with being homosexual. The only 'porn' available on the newspaper stand was Playboy. Why on earth did a guy who liked girls dress in feminine clothing? For decades I beat myself up over it. My wife knows and does not approve. Nobody else knows, so I think. I'm sure if my cross-dressing came out in the 1960's I would have been suicidal. I do not believe society is as tolerant of sexual differences as some of you believe.

I think allmost everyone has a story like that, if you do anything out of the norm most of the time you get singeled out one way or another, it's just something people have to let go of. if it were onaly you in the whole world if you could live with just yourself would you be allright with your self? Because when it comes down to it you have to make peace with yourself

Wow its amazing how many people have felt like this too.
When I was younger I really thought I was alone. Like a special genetic mess.
Its comforting as odd as it sounds to know I'm not the only one who had to feel that way.
Not that its right or that I would wish it upon anyone but to have all these people to sharere. Feelings questions and advice with.
Thatnk you all for replying.

Growing up in the 50's and 60's society was not accepting at all. Even though nobody knew, hearing that this type of behavior is abnormal and wrong was bound to create an inferiority complex that I still battle to this day. I still have trouble with guilt feelings and accepting myself as I am.

I too can identify with feelings of others here. At times I still feel angry at myself. As I become more accepting the less shame I feel.

I think this is an important thread, especially for newbies who are confused about CD/TG.

I know I initially joined this forum due to feeling helpless and hopeless about my gender. This site has/is instrumental in allowing me to accept myself. Thanks all. Kitty Sue.

Reading the OP was like having my mind read. I feel this all the time. Why am I not the man I was born to be? God doesn't make mistakes...Am I a perv? Why can't I stop? Am I psychotic? Is there a second personality trying to emerge? How do I get control of myself? This can't be normal...nobody else does it. OK so some other people do it...it still isn't accepted by the rest of the world. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am?

So I only beat myself up on days that end in "Y"

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Originally Posted by Dahlia007

Baby, it breaks my heart knowing you ever felt that way. No one should feel so out of place in their own skin. My heart goes out to all who have unsupportive SO's or that feel wrong or disgusted, just know...YOURE BEAUTIFUL! WORK IT!

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Thank you for the inspiration, I am working on it...

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Originally Posted by Carly D.

In a way i feel this way without even telling anyone.. It's the reason I don't tell anyone about my cross dressing.. I don't want anything to change..

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Me too. I think (know deep down) that people will treat me differently. They won't like me anymore or they will think less of me. Maybe they can accept me for being me but they will never want to be around me the way they used to because they think I am different.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I do not believe society is as tolerant of sexual differences as some of you believe.

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I have to agree with this specifically from personal experience as well as experience recently by a close TG friend not to mention the treatment we see in news articles around the country. There may be pockets of total acceptance but we even have intolerance on this site of our own members. It is a dream to find acceptance wherever we go but the unfortunate truth is that people tend to find differences in others and then exploit them for their own personal benefit, whatever that may be.

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Originally Posted by Tybalt

if it were onaly you in the whole world if you could live with just yourself would you be allright with your self? Because when it comes down to it you have to make peace with yourself

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If it were only me, it would be marginally more lonely than it has been for so long in my life. I have built up a "great wall" around me becasue of this and as has been mentioned, I force myself be distant in my relationships for reasons I have mentioned above. On the flip side, I would feel OK going anywhere in whatever clothes I wanted.

I can rationally see the importance of self acceptance. I understand that in order for others to accept me, I need to be OK with me first. I know that I do not accept myself for this part of me but I am working on it everyday. I do feel good about myself when presenting female. I am still a confident (potentially arrogant) successful man in a world that places a lot of value on those traits and I have been rewarded handsomely for exhibiting these skills. The more I express myself feminine side, the less effective I am at what has made me successful. I actually cried yesterday in front of my employee that I suspended and even he admitted that I should have fired him.

You have to be able to see the dichotomy we are all in when we have managed to develop "regular" lives in spite of this little "quirk" we were given. There are so many self righteous people here who berate those of us who haven't (or hadn't) told our SOs when we first met. Well, if we can manage to get by all these years without telling anyone and still be successful, why wouldn't we think we could pull that off with our SO. After all, we wouldn't want them to think of us differently or not like us anymore and certainly we aren't cheating or doing something else destructive to them. Please don't get me wrong, I am not promoting not telling our SOs. I am merely giving one explanation for why some of us don't. It certainly would have been better for me to have done this with all my wives. But when we don't accept ourselves, we aren't real confident that the one person we think will love us forever will accept us either.

These are purely my thoughts and opinions and I am not advocating that anyone take any advice or words I have written and apply them to their own lives. This is just my feelings conjured up from this entire string. Of course now I am babbling and sobbing so at least I have that...

oh yes i have felt ashamed and i have "quit" many times. I have propably not "quit" for the last time.
The ironic thing is that i now understand that my crossdressing-shame teach me very much about life. It teach me that everything that stops me in life is fear and shame. So the shame is actually very natural and would propably be there if I did something else than crossdressing. So it doesnt matter what you do, the shame will still be there in some way and you have to defeat it.

Oh lord yessss.

My mother did, after she found me wearing a bra once. After I regained consciousness yeah.....I felt pretty bad.

Also my ex takes every measure she can, going out of her way even to make me feel like a pathetic excuse of a man. Worthless and I might just as well kill myself cuz I'll never please a woman. So after her 30 min rant everytime I call to talk to my kids I tell her "Well that's nice, anyways I'll talk to you later. Have a nice day!" It makes me all warm and fuzzy to hear her scream and throw the phone. She's must have broken about 10 by now. :)

I am very lucky to have missed all of this negative self-assessment both internally and externally. It may be an advantage having found Tina at age 55 and in the consort of a loving and supportive wife, since in that context I don't care at all what the world thinks and I've yet to have a negative feeling about my transgendered self. I've never even had an SA make a negative comment!

I'm sure one of these days someone will attempt to be negative towards me. I'm sure it will be a different experience.

tina

Ah ha, I have never felt that way. I have lost my wife who was revolted but we are still friends and parents and the kids are ambivilant. I sit here fully attired in BVP girlie things with wig and boots,except for my favorite VS bra. I hope you will get to feeling better, life is good.

I know that for me, I have to deal with the LDS church saying that it's mental confusion, an addiction, just something wrong and sick. Yet for me it's relaxation to let my feminine side out. Hiding only tires you out. And, that's how I feel alot of the time.

When my mom found out long ago, she used to call me a sissy and told me I would not amount to anything if I kept doing it. My dad said "he will grow out of it" and never really seemed too concerned. Well, I have been made fun of for other things more than for my cd. I am freakishly tall at 6'7" and was very skinny in school. People used to call me anorexic. If you are skinny, big people call you toothpick. If you are big, you get called jelly roll. If you cd, automatically society calls you a faggot, a term used against gay sexual orientation in a hateful way. Makes no sense when I think most dressers are not gay at all. There is no need to ever feel guilty. Feel bad for them that they refuse to take the time to understand something that could affect them one day.

Of course I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed when I was caught one day after school wearing my older sister's clothes. My family really came down hard on me. I was confused by all of this because it almost seemed like femininity was forced on me all my life. I was allowed to have a doll when very young. Had to wear sister's underwear when mine were 'dirty'. Was baptised at the age of about 3 and a half in a very frilly and nylon dress or silky dress (which I don't remember, but I have seen a few pictures of myself). Was put into a dress when I got my boy clothes dirty. Very humiliating. When I was in the fifth grade I dressed as a colonial girl for Halloween. That was the start of my searching my femininity. I did keep that secret because I knew at that time there was something wrong with that kind of behavior. Also I was always encouraged to play with my girl cousins. As a young boy I had to be a dress model for my mother when she was making dresses for a girl cousin. Remember having to wear all the necessary undies, etc, when helping her. I don't think my father ever knew about that. I spent a lot of time with my mother alone. Also was very close to my one sister.

Kelly,
Love your response. I divorced my ex 25 yrs ago, had nothing to do with dressing. For like 3 years after she left, her mother or herself would call me from time to time to give me hell. I would do just like yourself. I would tell them nice talking to you and have a nice day. It upset them both so much that they couldn't get to me.