Took the plunge and came out to my SO

So, about a month ago, I decided it was time to reveal my dressing to my girlfriend.
We've been together for a rather long time, and several things are coming together that have made me realize that she needs to know - deserves to know, I think is better. We've known each other for twenty years, and have dated now for about six years. Our families are pretty much blended at this point, and I know I couldn't continue or move forward without coming clean.

In a quiet moment, I let the secret out in small bites. She was very much taken aback, and really wasn't sure how to deal with it. And, of course, she had a ton of questions ranging from "are you gay?" to "aren't you afraid of getting caught?" with a considerable range in between. I can't say that her reaction was a happy one. In retrospect, looking back at other discussions about this here, I'd say she reacted pretty typically - and taking everything into account, I think her reaction was reasonable and honest.

This was about a month ago. A week or so after I let the cat out of the bag, with some tense moments in between, I told her that I thought it was best if I just gave her room to consider everything at her own pace, in her own time, and not push the issue. Meanwhile, I ordered a copy of "My Husband Betty" to read for myself - and to give to her after I'd finished it.

Yesterday, I brought the book over to her house. To my surprise, she also had a copy, had finished it and had about two hundred sticky notes sticking out of it with questions for me. After a pretty lengthy talk, she seems to have made her peace with this - at least as much as I could expect after a month.

Last night, I introduced her to Alison. I think she had a little trouble with it at first, but after awhile it came down to discussion of hair, makeup, clothing styles (that's awfully low-cut, isn't it? Are those your boobs? Don't you think that skirt is pretty short?)

A curious response from her, re: my outfits: she feels like I dress more nicely, as in sexier, than she does, and she freely admitted to being a little jealous... she wants to go shopping, says if she's going to be seen with me as a girl, she's not going to feel like "less of a woman" than I am. Another reaction - she wants to dress "better" in her words and go out for dress-up events with me, as a male, a lot more than we've been going out. (we've both been watching money closely since she had some health issues and I've been through layoffs twice since we've been together).

So my questions to the GGs and to others who've made it this far with their GG S/O -- GGs, is that sense of competition something that you've felt? Do you feel threatened by the way your CD/SO looks as a girl? I'm not going to call it jealousy because I don't think that's fair to her - I'm asking her to bite off an awful lot here, and I'm grateful that she's trying.

To the CDs, have you encountered this? And to both, how have you worked through this?

My gut tells me that since she did the research, found what seems to be a well-regarded book on the subject, read it through, organized her thoughts, and opened the door for Ali to appear, I think she's trying really hard to make it work for both of us. We've talked about going out together as women, particularly to events hosted by a local meetup.com TG group. We've talked about shopping together and it *feels* like the seeds of having fun doing that are planted without huge hesitation from her. I want to do this right, respect her boundaries and her need to reach her own conclusions at her own pace... I don't think anything else will result in a happy ending for either of us. So, I'm looking for your opinions...

Alison, first of all I will say that you have a real "keeper" in your SO! I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and we had almost 50 years together before she passed away. There really never was any competition between us, since she was the perfect lady while Stephanie was just a female/man. That said, she always wanted me to go shopping with her because she liked the clothes I picked out better than the ones that she picked. I also picked out most of the clothes for our daughter. I have always been able to dress females to look very nice, including Stephanie sometimes!!

I hope all goes well with you and your SO, and I think it will! Good Luck to both of you!

I think that some GGs feel keen competition when it comes to dressing, whether the other person is another GG or a CDer. Others might feel none at all. Since your wonderful SO has mentioned this it is probably significant to her.

Perhaps you might ask her to help coordinate outfits when you go out. She might actually do you a favor by pointing out something that is over-the-top or otherwise bothersome to her.

I think there can be. There is little chance we'll look better than she does, but because we pay attention to the details, she might feel a little under dressed. Don't worry about it, just dress so she and you blend and constantly tell her she looks way better and there is no chance you even come close.

You are so lucky . Both of you . There is real communication , consideration and hope between you .
I think it's only natural your'e partner feels a little uncertain of her appearance , perhaps may i dare say it - envious even ? After years of crossdressing there is one thing I've learnt and that it's a very natural trait to constantly be on the search to look more presentable . I mean honestly , just pick up any newspaper , magazine , pop the television on - we're drenched with it in adverts - the ideal to look better . It's embedded into our subconciousness . Could it be thats perhaps she's seen a glimpse of your potential beauty in the making and now only wants to be a part of it ? You may have prompted and awoken something in her .... BUT I don't think it's something worth worry about .At least her projection towards you crossdressing ISN'Tdisbelief , horror or disgust , confusion for sure , but a wanting to understand . She wants to understand and support her man . I hate to use my own experience's ( sometimes feels as if I'm bragging , as I feel for those who are not so lucky ) but you have a chance here to move foward here together . Why not ask her to help you in the style and choice of how you dress ? You mentioned money being tight , now that I can relate to all too well , but why not both of you sit down , surf ebay , visit shops that are cheaper . Ask her if she'll spend sometime together maybe , why not suggest if she'll let you give each other a slight make over , praps show off youre favourite outfits ? I 'm trying to post one thing here I think , it's the ideal whatever you do - do it TOGETHER . Over 6 years ago when I came out ( golly looking back my outfits , looks and over entusiastic manner - something to consider for sure ) to my wife , it was such a scarey unstable period . At first there were very obvious quiet moments . We needed gentle moments together in each others company , nothing too heavy . So , to lighten the situation I asked my partner to dress up , we sat down shared a pizza , a glass of wine . I just wanted her to feel special , spoil her rotten . We even played board games to ease the new tension. Whatever , I just wanted one thing - to move on in honesty at her pace . And that was so hard , often with me being over excited , over zealous , I think at times being a little too much . I asked my wife to let me know if my attitude became a little over bearing . However , those new moments are now looked back on by both of us . And to be honest with a degree of fondness .
I think it's a rather scarey time , the uncertainess , the excited anticipation of having come clean , being accepted and hoping for it to continue . I'm sure together you'll both have fun , an understanding and a meeting of the minds , personalities and warmth for each other that lasts for years to come .
Good luck , and look after each other .

The fact that you "really want to do this right" will go a long way to help make your road to acceptance a smoother one. Patience and honest communication are absolutely crucial now because a certain amount of lost trust will have to be regained due to the fact that you hid your cding for a long time.
But it sounds as though you're adeptly helping her through this time of overwhelming confusion as she tries to wrap her brain around this whole thing. After all, you've had most of your life to adjust to this part of your personaliy, she's had a month. And she seems to be doing it with lovingness and grace.

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Originally Posted by Tanya C

After all, you've had most of your life to adjust to this part of your personaliy, she's had a month. And she seems to be doing it with lovingness and grace.

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thank you, Tanya, and that is something we did discuss. Part of her initial reaction was "don't you think counseling would be a good idea?" What I said was this: if I felt disturbed or uncomfortable with who I am, then I would agree that I need counseling. I don't feel that. I've had a very long time to sort this through for me, I accept this part of me as just being me, and I don't feel disturbed. If she wanted to talk it through with a counselor, I'd go... but to me that suggests there may be something to "fix" with me, and I don't feel broken. What I do feel is LESS broken knowing that I can share this very intimate side of myself with her and not feel weird. Conversely, I don't think *she* is broken, because she heard it, digested it, dissected it for herself and came out with the willingness to accept me, at least at a pace she can deal with. If it causes discomfort, then counseling may be the right thing to do. I don't know if I can answer that question yet - it's too fresh.

But I'll say that I'm feeling good that we've gotten this far, intact. It's a start.

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So my questions to the GGs and to others who've made it this far with their GG S/O -- GGs, is that sense of competition something that you've felt? Do you feel threatened by the way your CD/SO looks as a girl? I'm not going to call it jealousy because I don't think that's fair to her - I'm asking her to bite off an awful lot here, and I'm grateful that she's trying.

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Fantastic sign she is trying to learn more and understand:hugs: also you could tell her about the FAB section here if she would like to reach out to other GG's.

But to answer your question I never saw it as a competion or never felt threatened but I knew about cding and we met here.:D
BUT some new to finding out GG's while they are wrapping their brain around it all might feel ( esp if you dress in another style) that you find your cd self or that style sexier. Reassure her...keep talking but let things come at her speed. Best Wishes

Wow all I can say is how happy I am for you. You should always remember how lucky you are to have such an understanding partner because even when you try and do everything right (Tell her right from the beginning etc etc.) sometimes it still ruins your relationship. I think if anything just take it slow and keep up the great work!

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is that sense of competition something that you've felt?

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Lol yes...Let me explain.

Years ago when crossdressing was still very uncomfortable for me, i noticed subtle changes in her behavior...at the time i thought it was because she was having a hard time with seeing me dressed, it actually caused a couple of purges back in the day. (my own fault for not communicating)

About 2 years ago now i decided to be honest with myself and come back out of denial about my dressing.....i was pretty unhappy before then.
My wife has helped me in so many aspects mentally, physically, and spiritually. We have become closer now than we ever were.

So i went jean shopping for myself....i came back with these low rise boot cut jeans that i literally looked like i was poured into them.....a size 3 (i am very thin)((with no butt)) so finding tiny jeans that were actually long enough(im 6ft tall and 145lbs) and gave me some definition in the backside was like a holy graile of CD shopping days(plus it was a Ross Bargain $10). i was ecstatic about it.....

The first time i wore them she was all like those are nice jeans, they look really good on you. "thx i replied"....then the question of all questions....."Can i borrow them...." .....i said "sure".......Then she says "What size are they?"...."3"....
The conversation ended with a huff and she rolled her eyes......

That was the first time it had dawned on me that, there might be some things that i should be more sensitive to.....

Moral of the story: When you find a really nice pair of jeans that you like....make sure they have a pair in her size too! :)

Best of luck to you two, Keep the communication up!!

Giraffe in Denim,
-Donni-

Allison, It sounds to me that you are on the right track with your wife. I congratulate you for taking the steps to be open and honest with your wife. I am glad she is accepting at this point and you both can grow and be comfortable with what ever level the two of you are willing to take it. You see, to be very considerate of her feelings and concerns and that's a good thing that all to many seem to neglect that ultimately can cause a wife to go from accepting to feeling this is taking over your life and make her do an about turn. As I'm sure you have read many times here...GO SLOW and don't push it. This can actually be an issue that brings you and your wife closer then ever before. I wish you all the luck and love you deserve.

I think it's very natural for a GG in the first phases of acceptance to question her own feminity in relation to a CDing H. There can be an irrational thought process that makes us think that somehow we attracted CDing into our lives because we were not feminine enough. As if your dressing has anything to do with how we dress. Still, I remember dressing like a Stepford wife for a few weeks during the acceptance process.

There can also be jealousy if your wardrobe is more exciting/extensive than ours. I feel that's justified if you are rocking two full wardrobes. And if I thought my H looked prettier than me I could see myself coping with that jealousy as well.

I've felt a little envious. I'm a lot older than my partner, and bigger. So while he is exploring dressing in pretty young pink outfits, I'm feeling a bit drab alongside him. But it's actually the motivation I've needed to do something about the way I've let myself slide. Started dieting in September, and lost 5 stones. Desperately need a wardrobe upgrade, but any money we have goes on him at the moment. (no he's not at all selfish, but he still doesn't have very many items, and there's a whole list of stuff we need to make him feel more feminine first).

My gf is a model with representation from several agencies and she still went through a period of questioning her own femininity, which I think ultimately was good for her. She also is attracted to women, and my coming out as transgender inspired her to explore her own sexuality.

We always compete with clothes and share a lot of clothes since we fit into the same sizes, but she of course always wears them better, even if I'm the one to pick them out!

Aside from reading the "I want to be the more noticeable" like statement from her, your SO is top notch. I love the fact she is doing research, that is a very good sign.

Now, am I mistaken that the CDer in that book My husband Betty went full on transition and left the woman after the book was published. I cannot be sure.

If so, then perhaps that is not such a good reference.

I think it sounds like things are going to a very good place, so long as you keep going at her pace. That was a big key for me in learning about Crystal - that whatever I asked, Chris was supportive in MY journey to learn and accept this aspect. I think that when you say you want to do this right and respect her boundaries and her pace... you're definitely on the right track with that. Trust your girl, and instead of asking our opinion - definitely, ask hers!!

My wife doesn't know of my crossdressing (maybe she does, just doesn't want to talk about it). One night she grabbed my "love handles" and shook them. They;re nothing substantial, just well you know, I'm over 40 so you get them. Anyway, as she joked about my "excess fat", I boldly mentioned her "muffin top". OUCH! Well, she said that they're not as large as mine. I laughed and asked her to do a Pepsi challenge on that. I'll try on her smallest skirt, she can try on my smallest pants. It was a no go, she got pissed off and dropped it (she knows I can fit, one night I put on her "skort" that was now too small for her to prove that I had a smaller waist). She is not too happy and is now talking about working out!

Ginger

It sounds like the two of you are handling this the ideal way. If you are worried that she might be jealous, be sure to reaffirm how beautiful she is and how much you love her. As she asked, take her on a date as man and wife where she can dress up a little bit and you wear your handsomest guy outfit. I think it important that she realizes that you are still her husband and she is still your wife. If, when you are with her en femme, she makes comments about how pretty you are, thank her, but tell her you "could never be as pretty as her." I have a good feeling that if you don't get lost in the "pink fog" and start to push things to quickly, that this will work out well for both of you.

I am really pleased that the outcome has been a good one, just take things at her pace and most of all keep talking.

As far as it being a competition...I have never felt like that. Nigella looks good in what she wears but neither of us try to compete with each other.

Wow, your girlfriend is an absolute star. As others suggest, take things slow - and treasure her.

Zoe

Here's my two cents: my cding SO at this point does not leave our property when he is in girl mode. Therefore, he dosnt really get much chance to really dressed to the nines, however, every evening after work and kids are asleep he gets into his girly gear and puts on a full face of makeup. Now that's fine and all but he'll come out of the bathroom looking radiant while here I am with baggy sweats, tshirt, hair a mess, disheveled after a day of running around after two very young children and I look at HER and think well damn I better go do SOMETHING with myself...*run brush through hair snarls, lipgloss, mascara, done* then I look in the mirror and think...ok it's 10pm on a Monday and I just put makeup on to sit around...why? I thought at first perhaps it was jealousy? But came to realize that once in awhile I'll get this bitter "but IM the girl here!!!" feeling. It quickly passes but I think it's almost like...I feel my gender and role is being...invaded...if that's the word I'm looking for. Don't get me wrong I fully support my SO but I only just found out a few months ago after being together nearly 6 years and having 2 children. So a few feelings have emerged that I've never experienced. And that's the thing to keep in mind...it's a lot of emotion, a lot of change, all at once..

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Originally Posted by AlisonRenee

So my questions to the GGs and to others who've made it this far with their GG S/O -- GGs, is that sense of competition something that you've felt? Do you feel threatened by the way your CD/SO looks as a girl? I'm not going to call it jealousy because I don't think that's fair to her - I'm asking her to bite off an awful lot here, and I'm grateful that she's trying.

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I think it's lovely that you realize she's attempting to wrap her mind around quite a bit.

In response to your questions, yes I have felt a bit of jealousy. Yes, jealousy. Not over how Natalie looks because she's adorable and makes my heart melt, but the fact that she can just run out there and find cute clothes to suit her whim for when she wants to dress, while I need to save and shop clearance for things that I need to wear daily. So my jealousy stems from more of a materialist point, not from her beauty or character.

There are so many things that go through my mind with crossdressing - continue to talk to her and be supportive. It sounds like you both are on a positive path.

May I suggest:
You make sure you spend as much on pretty clothes for her as you do for yourself (if not more)
You work out together how frequently she is happy to be with you as Alison and how much time she needs you to be your male self
You don't push, and accept that sometimes there will be backwards steps in her acceptance of Alison.
Other than that, you seem to have a real treasure there.

Ali, Like JamieG said, The safest way is to take it slooooowwwly, baby steps and respect her boundaries and expectations. She sounds veeeerrry open-minded. Don't screw this up. I have experience here as have others who have posted. You have a gold mine here. You are verrrry lucky. We all wish you the best. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going!!

There is definitely a bit of competition between my wife and myself. Both of us are about the same size. She borrows a lot of my clothes when she wants to get really dressed up, mainly because she buys for herself for both practicality AND style, whereas I only need to buy for style. She'll tease me a little about me being a bit skanky, but I think it's because she can't bring herself to wear some of the things that I'm happy to wear out. She also is annoyed with me sometimes because I can go an entire night in 4" heels while she complains about her feet hurting after a few hours.

The way I usually handle the competitiveness it to always concede that she's prettier. When she wears my dresses, I always tell her that it looks better on her (which is usually true). Think about the meanness that some women have for each other...usually it's based on competitiveness. If she looks to you as a challenger for the "most pretty" title, that can really hurt the relationship long term.

Why does it need to be competition. Why can't it be balance, or strive to be alike. What is all this one upmanship.

I hope that I can meet a girl that would love to be the "pretty and frilly" one, while I am the more severe, exotic if you will. I think the juxtaposition would play really well, and be alot of fun.

But honestly, I would love to inspire my GF or future wife to "dress to the nines" Who cares if you aren't going out. Just have fun. That to me is the most important thing.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words.

Since I had the appointment anyway, and because it was important to my GF that I open up about this to him, I brought up my femme side with my counselor last night.

The funny thing is that I've never felt the desire - or need - to talk about this with him. I've talked about a lot of things in my life that have troubled me. My feminine side doesn't trouble me, and I am comfortable with who I am in that regard. But GF's take was that I could be in denial about that and that my gender issues could have affected me more than I know or care to admit.

The session was quite productive, and pretty much affirming - for both of us, although she wasn't there. He agreed that if this was a source of discomfort for me, I would have a problem, but it sure doesn't seem to be. His opinion is that very few people are *all* of one gender or another, most of us have traits of either gender to varying degrees and it's all very individual and just who we are.

The doc thinks GF is handling this as well as I could realistically want. She's trying and wants to find a way, and that is very important. As I said to him, "well, I've told her and she didn't tell me to get the F out, so I have to give her credit".

I asked "so, am I a pervert?" and his answer... no. You've felt gender ID issues all your life and this is how you've come to deal with it comfortably for you. Discretion should matter because there are areas of your life that could be negatively impacted. I've already come to the conclusion that there are important people in my life who I know couldn't accept this, and there's no reason to force the issue. I'm 55, and there's no way I can realistically consider transition and not upset my entire world, so why demand acceptance where I already know it's going to cause trouble? That said, acceptance matters, and for me, having this one person in my life who accepts me and this "variation" is worth a great deal.

She felt better that I dropped this "bomb" on the counselor. I don't know if she got the answers she expected, but she sounded happier when I told her the results. I'm pretty sure that the GGs here would agree that if I'm asking her to buy into "me", and including my counselor helps her with that buy-in, this is just part of what I have to do to meet her in the middle.

The counselor does think there's a lot of potential for fun as a couple with this, and how that evolves is up to us.

Shelly67, you earlier posted this in your reply...

"So , to lighten the situation I asked my partner to dress up , we sat down shared a pizza , a glass of wine . I just wanted her to feel special , spoil her rotten . We even played board games to ease the new tension."

I mentioned that to the counselor, who thought that was an excellent idea - he laughed, and in a good way. I agree, that's such a great way to put the issue on the table without making it the focus of the time you spent together. Smart ladies, both of you.

As you have said, she seems to be trying to be very methodical and fair about learning more. It's pretty common for GGs to feel some sort of challenge/competition/jealousy. My wife has always known everything about me. Even as things changed. When I first started fully dressing, she almost never wore makeup, didn't paint her nails, and wore pretty casual clothes. As I practicing more she started wearing makeup. After we started going "out", she started growing out her nails and learning how to make them look awesome. Just lately she has lost weight and started buying more fitted clothes. I don't think these all were a direct response to my dressing but there is some sort of connection.

She doesn't have to "win", you just need to make sure she doesn't feel she has "lost". When you go out try to match the tone of her outfit. This might even be healthy for her to feel pretty again.

Alison , isn't it odd how sometimes things can be so easily and innocently put to right ? times playing those old board games - it became fun . We played Tank Battle , Connect 4 and then progressed to the Playstation .
Thats now become a problem . Last Saturday whilst we sat there together playing Virua Tennis on the PS 3 ( I was dressed that evening ) we had a wager . Whoever lost had to do the cleaning and also the washing up for the entire week alone . Although I'm very girly , I bloody hate washing up .

I'll have to leave it there now , as I've a full kitchen sink that needs my attention .


I wonder if my beloveds up for girly arm wrestling this coming weekend ??


Good luck to you both , I'm sure things will continue to gel nicely ...
xx

Some great thoughts above so I only have one thought to add:

What you gf might not conciously realize is that being transgendered means that we have to minimize the male "clues" that we emit by our appearance and actions. She naturally emits "female" since she has no male clues to cover up! Thus, part of the details that might have sent her into a "competition" mode of sorts is just the details that you are needing to use so that your overall set of clues emphasizes "feminine" over "masculine".

That said, you might want to have that discussion with her so she can begin to try to detect those male clues you are not hiding as well as you might, and to note which female clues you are maybe overdoing a bit!

But it does sound like you are in a great position!!

tina

Congratulations on coming out to your SO.

I would never want to compete with a gg in these matters, based on the way women compete with one another. Girl conflict is something I don't fully understand and that I'm afraid of.

I agree with Pythos, I would not recommend giving a copy of "My Husband Betty" to your girlfriend. It is far more likely to scare her than reassure her. Instead, get her a copy of "My Husband Wears My Clothes", it is written by the wife of a heterosexual crossdresser for wives of heterosexual crossdressers. You can get it on Amazon for $11 or so. http://www.amazon.com/Husband-Wears-...dp/096267625X/