Did you tell your mom?

Hi, I am a 31 y/o closeted Cder, and I am being crossdresing since I was a kid, as a lot of you I also started trying some of my moms clothes.

My question here is how many of you have shared your crossdressing with your moms and at what age you did and which was her reaction?

I am asking this because I don’t know if at some point she realized that when I was kid I took some of her clothes and returned them when she wasn’t at home, or if she just never says anything. I have to say that my mom really loves me and I have had her support all my life, she has widowed 10 years ago and I am her only son, sometime ago I am living with her but moving out again, I am moving out of town in two weeks and we wont see each other again in at least two years.

Do you think it is a good idea to tell her that I crossdress before moving out, or is better to not do it?, One of the reasons why I am thinking to tell this to her is that I want her to know that I am honest with her and that I trust her, and it also will be a big shame for me if she knew that I crossdress and that she never hear it from me, and I also need to say that I am really really curious about knowing if she discovered it at some point of my life or she didn’t.

Well, those are the reasons why I am thinking on opening to her, but what stops me is that I don’t want to hurt her, or make her feel disappointed of me that I am her only son, specially now that I am moving out far away. So if she knew what I did or discovered at some point of my life, I know that it would be a great idea and she would be happy that I trust her and tell her, and I’ll be very happy of be honest to her, but I know that there is also the risk that she didn’t know anything, and she get surprised and maybe be a shamed of me, I don’t know how she could react of feel if she receives this kind of notice at this point of my life, I don’t know, what do you think?, what would you do?, I know for sure that she wont blame me, or get mad at me, but what I don’t know is how she could really feel in her heart.

Have a great day!!!

Let's see.. I told mine just after I turned 48, I think it was.

I have told mine..over and over, but she prefers to pretend I haven't :) However she bought me my first pair of panties when I was younger, she left a whole box of foundation garments in my closet (like I wouldn't look ;)) she has bought me things tat are very femme or androgynous. I think she finally believed me about 3 years ago

Hi Sandra, how she reacted, how you told her= =o)

Lorileah, how old were you the first time you told her?

Thanks for your responses, I am really thinking a lot about this =o)

I fully understand your reasons for wanting to tell her. I was the same when I lived at home with my Mum. She even found a few things of mine that I had hidden when I was a teenager. I often wonder just how much she new about me wearing her clothes when I was Young. After the incident of finding my hidden underwear she never mentioned it again.

So for me I think its best to leave it that way. I'm sure my mum would be OK with it but I just wouldn't know where to start. I'm happy not telling anyone that doesn't need to know. There is also the chance it could upset her. And remember once its out you can never put it back again.

It's a hard one but only you can make that choice. Go with what you think is best for both of you.

Good luck :)

I don't think the reasons to tell are compelling- they don't outweigh the reasons not to tell.
Let's assume she knows already. She could have come to you and said so, and reassure you that it's OK, or at least she doesn't think it's OK and doesn't want to see it. But she didn't, so she may think the matter is better left as is.
Now let's assume she doesn't know. If you tell her, she could be cool with it, or it may devistate her. If you're moving away, what's to gain by teling?

Thanks again to all of you for your comments, maybe you're right, and theres no really a big reason to tell her, maybe the true reason behind this, is my desire of liberate my soul, and know if she knew it or not, but telling it to her maybe can be a little bit selfish because I can hurt her with no reason, just for satisfy my desire of telling her, screaming out I like to CD and knowing what she knew and what she thinks.
I think she wont freak out, but the truth is that you never know, and there's the chance of hurting her.

I have to agree with Nicole on this! Can't see much to gain by telling her! Could lose though!

I think that most moms usually already know. They usually do not miss much.

Personally, I know mine did early on but never mentioned it to me.
She was probably too embarassed to bring it up being the first generation American of Italian descent, etc.

So, if she has not said anything yet, IMO I would not tell her now unless there is some pressing reason to do so

hiya naye,

Relax, I just gave her a call and told her all about you. Hey, what are friends for anyway? You're welcome...:D

Jus kidd'n...I really called your dad...:hugs:

Ok, ok...I did not call anyone. But if I was ME :)and in that position...

Isn't one of the main objectives of "moving out" to be independent and lengthen the family "leash"? She is your mom, not the warden. You are taking the appropriate steps toward adult independent thought and action...not getting out on parole, lol.

At some point "parents" and "caretakers" become "another adult" in your world, as well as being your parents. Sharing every intimate detail of your life and "secrets" is no longer required to share genuine love with them. We all reach an age where we "own our own" behaviors and interests. Not sharing or "revealing" all of them does not mean the parental love bond has been damaged or threatened. It is simple a normal process of moving forward.

Relinquishing the daily interaction with a parent is (hopefully) a constructive part of the aging and maturation cycle. It takes some adjusting initially, but it makes those reuniting visits a cherished event.

I cannot foresee anything enjoyable coming out of sharing that part of your personal life with mom at this point.

If I was ME...I would save that conversation for one of those later visits "home" when you & mom are looking back at your days at home over a few drinks and laughs. I would try and make those last send-off days happy ones with mom...not a "drop a bomb and run" time...:)

that is just me...

think less/ act more...life is short.

:love:

Mine never knew, and passed away from Parkinson's in 2006.....I still miss her :(

Mine never knew, cancer, 2005. I think she could have handled it, but I know she didn't keep secrets from my dad, and he couldn't have handled it. I think she may have suspected, but didn't really want to know (or would have to tell my dad).

Naye, are you gonna wear that cute dress or can I have it?

Good luck with your decision (about telling, not about giving me the dress - haha).

I told her a few months ago. She wasn't disappointed, she said all she wants is for me to be happy.

I told my mother 6 years ago. It was no big deal. I think we're closer now than we were, because she knows I don't feel I need to hide anything from her. My sister and dad also know. It's all gravy.

Only you know your own mother though. I have no real advice unfortunately.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by naye

Lorileah, how old were you the first time you told her?

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The first time was about 15 years ago. But I think she has known longer

I was caught by both parents at around age 12, then the subject never came up again until I was 30. After my divorce, I moved back home a short time before getting my own place. Of course the dressing escalated with my new found privacy. They took note of my staying home more often, skipping family functions, never inviting anyone over, etc. They started asking questions; my constant dismissal of thier concerns was creating a distance between us, and I finally told them what was going on.

The big revelation was anitclimactic, thier only concerns at that point were spending and safety. My dad, a real man's man, was actually hurt that I was so afraid to talk to them about what was going on in my life. Both have been very supportive, much to my surprise and delight.

Naye,
One of the things I love about this forum is finding posts like this and finding the issues I am going through are the same issues others are going through.

I am trying to decide whether to tell my mother too. I am returing home to stay with my mother for about a month before I move to my new location (I will be there in 20 days). I will not be away from my mother for as long as you will but I have in the past. I finally accepted myself back in December and since then I have made some noticeable changes in how I dress (underdress daily) and my appearance (painted toe, pierced navel, shaved body).

I guess I could continue hiding from my mother if I wanted to. I can take off the polish and find my guy underwear and be very careful of her seeing me without a shirt on. But that is not who I am. I think it would take her about 12 hours to figure out something was up anyway as she annoyingly notices things I wish she would not.

I am the only son as well (two sisters though) and I am terribly afraid of being a disappointment to her. My parents have been divorced nearly 30 years and my mother never remarried, choosing to stay alone all these years. That has in effect made me the "man" of the family since I was 13 and I have tried my best to live up to those expectations for her. That would not change of course if I told her (or I should say my expecations to support my mother would not change) but I am very scared that it might change something in our relationship. We are really close and to damage that would kill me.

Yet, I think she already knows. When I got married to my ex wife 16 years ago we moved 800 miles away from my home. Before we married we lived with my mother and when we left, my mom helped us pack. When we were unpacking at the new location, my ex wife asked what was in this little box she had found. We opened the box and inside was a lingerie set of my mothers - she had given it to my wife (I think). What makes me guess about it is that it was the first set of lingerie I had ever worn and was my favorite. Looking back I know I wore it often and I guess I was not as careful putting it back as I thought. I wonder whether my mother knew I was wearing it or thought I was just interested in it as a guy.

I have not decided yet whether to tell her or not. I really want her to know because I am tired of the burden of hiding. I also want her to know because I am her child and I want her to know the real me. I want her love and acceptance of the real me. I have her love and acceptance now and I am so afraid of losing that. I do not know what I am going to do yet so I do not have much advice for you but I just wanted you to know you ae not the only one. Good luck.

Danielle

My mom found my bag of tricks hidden several times, but was never spoken about. I am 31 year old, and I finally told her this past halloween. I showed up to her house dressed as a pinup and her reaction was only to the 4.5" heels. It han't been spoken about since, but I am now muchmore comfortable wearing shorts in front of her (shaved legs) than I was prior to this past halloween. My wife prepped her for my entrance as she had to carry my son in, so I think that may have helped a bit too.

I didn't have to tell her she found my stash

It has been at least fifteen years since I told my mother.:daydreaming:
I had a new skirt and it needed to be taken up, so I told her and then asked her to hem my skirt!:heehee:
She just said not to make it a habit.:)
Bringing her skirts to hem, not crossdressing.:tongueout
Now she will call me to see if I want to go shopping with her.:D
I get such a kick out of shopping for women's clothes and shoes with my mother!:thumbsup:

I did tell my mother many years ago now, she has since passed on. I am glad that I had the conversation with her. She said that she had no idea, she thought ut was my brother. But later on after she had passed on, I was talking to my uncle, who also crossdressesm and he told me that my mother had told him that I crossdress. So she knew all along. I was very sure that she did know.

She was a very smart woman, we were talking about my sisters ex-husband, who also is one of us. I would bet that my moter was just trying to make me feel comfortable in the conversation, Like I said she was a very smart woman.

Told my mom at 12 years old ... She was upset and thought I could take a pill to make it go away, like it was a medical problem ... She (and my dad) assume I have stopped it and don't know I still do it. I'm scared to tell my parents again ... But I will do it again as I do want to wear skirts full time, they would eventually find out by rumors.

Depends how your mom is, if she is old fashioned you may have some difficulty ... my:2c:

I told my mother when I was about your age. I was shocked that she really hadn't had any idea, because I was pretty sure that she must have known. My mother was 100% cool about it, but then my mother had always raised us to be open minded.
The thing that bothers me (a LOT) is that she asked me "Why didn't you ever tell me?!" That question bothers me because now I'm haunted by the thought of what my life might have been like if I had told her when I was young?
Should you tell your mother? I'm afraid you are the only person on this forum qualified to make that call. Only you know how she might react, if it is likely to lead to fun conversations or hard awful ones.

Since I am a late bloomer, my mother doesn't have a clue as there were no youthful mistakes that gave her a clue. I like the thoughts of not telling unless there is a driving reason. She is getting on in years and lives across the country. So who would I be helping. On top of that I am confident I won't feel bad many years down the road that I missed an opportunity. And if that isn't enough, every time one of the kids tell her about something in our lives, she goes on about how could we do that to her. She never really accepted my sister as being Bi. No, the good signs are not there. And most of all, I love her and don't need to throw a monkey wrench she might not handle into that.

It has been 26 years since I told my mother about my crossdressing. I wish I had told her earlier than that, but like many others I thought there was something "wrong" because of previous reactions. My mother was very supportive and understanding back then, she still is one of my biggest supporters. I actually allowed myself to get caught in her clothing so that I was essentially FORCED to talk to her about what I was doing. The great thing about it was that she did not make me take off the bra, panties and pantyhose I was wearing while we talked. She did however, make me put something else on over the undergarments, she gave me a gorgeous nightgown to wear while we talked and during that talk gave me permission to wear her things as long as I laundered them before returning them. Of my two sisters, one is supportive and accepting, the other is not, which is weird because the one that is not accepting happens to be a stripper.

I never told my mom, but I think she knew a long time ago.
She died before I had the nerve to come out completely to my spouse. I think were she alive today that I would tell her. She was a wonderful and very open lady and I think she would understand and support me.

Thank you again to all of you, well, I haven't made a decision yet, maybe I just will see this days how things are going, and maybe if we get a time alone with a really nice chat, maybe with one or two drinks, maybe I have the talk to her, I quite understand to all of you who think that is not a good idea to drop that bomb before moving out again, but I also get excited about all of you ho have tell your mums being grown ups and the good reaction that you have received, it would be nice to be that transparent to my mom, because as one of you said "this is the real me". And another reason for me to try to tell her, is that my mum has always told me since I was a kid "I would love that you talk more to me, that you share with me more of your stuff, or feelings, or worries, etc" because I have been always to close about sharing the things about my life with her, and with most of the people (what dont makes me proud).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by eluuzion

Isn't one of the main objectives of "moving out" to be independent and lengthen the family "leash"? She is your mom, not the warden. You are taking the appropriate steps toward adult independent thought and action...not getting out on parole, lol.

At some point "parents" and "caretakers" become "another adult" in your world, as well as being your parents. Sharing every intimate detail of your life and "secrets" is no longer required to share genuine love with them. We all reach an age where we "own our own" behaviors and interests. Not sharing or "revealing" all of them does not mean the parental love bond has been damaged or threatened. It is simple a normal process of moving forward.

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Yes, I know what you mean about when a person is moving out and getting independent, since a lot of years ago I have been independent and the only responsible of my desitions, but that I am thinking about telling her or not is not because it could be a requirement, o as asking her permission, is just that know that I have been living again with her for some months maybe I could feel great about sharing that with her before moving out again. =o)

Btw, thank you for telling my mum, so know I just need to ask her “hey, I know that you talked to eluuzion, what did she told you hehe”, unfortunately, you are not going to be able to call my dad because he passed away a long time ago =o(“

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Danni Renee

I guess I could continue hiding from my mother if I wanted to. I can take off the polish and find my guy underwear and be very careful of her seeing me without a shirt on. But that is not who I am.
Danielle

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It’s exactly the same with me, I know I can hide it for her, maybe even forever, but as you say, that is not who I am.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Danni Renee

I am the only son as well (two sisters though) and I am terribly afraid of being a disappointment to her. My parents have been divorced nearly 30 years and my mother never remarried, choosing to stay alone all these years. That has in effect made me the "man" of the family since I was 13 and I have tried my best to live up to those expectations for her. That would not change of course if I told her (or I should say my expecations to support my mother would not change) but I am very scared that it might change something in our relationship. We are really close and to damage that would kill me.
Danielle

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Here I feel exactly the same as you, I am her only son (but in my case she don’t have any daughters either), and since my dad died, I also took the paper of the “man of the house” so maybe that’s why I’m a bit scared about she be wondering about my man hood, and eventhough I am 100% sure that she will support me, I am scared that she can never look at me as the same man, but as same as you I would really love to have the acceptance of me as I really am.

Its nice to know that I am not the only one at these dilemma.

My relationship with my mother was estranged most of the time (very long history of drugs and alcohol since my childhood). There was one time a few years back, I felt close enough to her to open up and share a very personal side of myself. Unfortunately the closeness I felt with her was short lived and nothing more than an illusion.

I thought I could have trusted her; boy was I wrong. While at her side while she was on her deathbed already in a coma from kidney & liver failure, I got into a disagreement with my brother and it came out that she had told of my secret. I hope that B@!#H is enjoying her eternal afterlife in hell.

I told my mom (and dad) when I was 28, shortly after going out for the first time and while still enveloped in the "pink fog". I had moved out of the house six years before, BTW. My mother was not shocked, having seen little clues over the years, but my father was. Unfortunately, I feel telling them has damaged our relationship. While my mom initially expressed her love and support of me no matter what, it soon became clear that she and dad did not want to know about or see any sign of my feminine side. They are deathly afraid of what others will think. When I began growing my hair long they freaked out, when they saw I was shaving my legs they freaked out, etc. So we're currently in a don't ask/don't tell situation, and I don't really feel I can trust them so much anymore. It's a sad situation. I would be careful about telling your mother and consider what her probable reaction will be; once you tell her you can't take it back.

I never told my mother or my step-mother but she knew... It was her insistence I was supposed to have been a girl that sent me down this path ..... She never caught me but she did catch my younger brother. And I borrowed so many of her things over the years and from some boarders we had... She confronted me about some missing bras a fee times and of coarse I denied it.

My mom and dad found my sister's clothes I had hidden in my room a couple of times. They were a little upset and asked me to give them back. They blew it off as a kid going through puberty and being curios. they have both past away, Dad - 15 years ago and mom 4 years. I didn't come out till 2 years ago so Never had the chance to tell them.

I'm 67, mom is 92, I've never felt there was any reason, knowing would not improve her life, and since I have no reason to want to dress around her, I see no reason to tell her. By the time I figured it all out, I was out on my own, and have a wife, if I need to talk to someone.
Tina B.

My Mom found my stash several times and the last time outed me to the entire family. Needless to say I could never talk to my Mom about it.

Hi naye, just bumped into your thread - I wonder how your feelings are developing.
I'm 45 and my Mom is over 70 - Dad is another 10 years older.
Mom (accompanied by my niece) visited me in Germany before Easter.
I thought a little about telling her.

Danielle said it all for me:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Danni Renee

Naye,
One of the things I love about this forum is finding posts like this and finding the issues I am going through are the same issues others are going through...
...Looking back I know I wore it often and I guess I was not as careful putting it back as I thought. I wonder whether my mother knew I was wearing it or thought I was just interested in it as a guy.
Danielle

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I started "borrowing" from my Mom and both elder sisters in my late teens.
I'm fairly curious now to know if they had noticed.
I'd love to know (but try not to need to know) about lots of things which did and didn't happen for me as a kid.

While Mom was here, I didn't need to force a conversation on a topic which I've only just begun confronting myself.
But I wouldn't have shyed away from it if an opportunity had arisen.
That's progress for me, as I see it.

As far as my twenty-year-old niece is concerned... I'm just a nice, if somewhat eccentric uncle.
I'm sure she wouldn't care less - probably have a good laugh and tell everybody at home.
That wouldn't bother me at all either!

My niece's mother (my eldest sister) visited the following week after my Mom went home!
Now this is interesting... at least for me it is.
She is best friends with my former SO and stayed at her place.
(Nice bit of patchworking there:))
My former SO found my cding strange to say the least when I told her last Summer.

I outed to my sister shortly before she left for the airport.
She tossed it off - she's happy for me that I can do what I want. And I should, so she said.

I haven't spoken to my sister since.
I do wonder if the information has played on her mind.
Does she now see some "events" in our childhood differently?
Or hasn't she given my cding a second thought?

It's nice looking back, naye, trying to sort out my own and the family history.
The bottom line is that it's not really important for any of us though.
We have little to do with one another in everyday life.
Of course, we all wish each other well.
The main thing is that we're healthy and able to live our lives to the full.

Gaby

My mom passed in 1994 of cancer and I never told her, being from a strict,southern,conservative background. But she wondered why her underwear was under MY bed. She knew.

I told my mother a few months ago and she still thinks this will go away.

well my family and others found out from my ex, she had to tell every body we knew. trying to hurt me.
but my mom found out when i was about thirty and now i am 50 we have a beautiful friendship, she says she gained a daughter and still has her son.

.

I never told my mother, and she passed away in 1973. I used to sneak her panties, girdles, nylons and slips to try on, but if she noticed, she never said a word. One time she found a panty girdle I had bought for myself in my room...she thought it was a "souvenier" from some girl...nothing else was ever said.

Mothers just know things like this.......

My mom knows because I'd take a few things and try to hide them. They'd always go back to her dresser, but she'd never bring it up. At a young age, my grandparents knew and encouraged me though.

Recently my dad had a mild breakdown and it came out he was a crossdresser. It sounded like a good time to tell her. She thanked me because it made her feel less alone with the issue. We do not talk about it, but I did wear flip flops and show off my painted toe nails last time I was at their house and nothing was said.

Why does your Mom need to know a/b your private life? Do you feel strongly a/b letting her know a/b it? Just love your Mom and let her love you. Why put up a barrier? Love your Mom and let it go. Why does your Mom need to know you where makeup or like to play with boys? Is it really that important for your psyche?

























l

i tried to tell my mother that i crossdress. but when i brought up the subject of me dressing she got mad. she found a stash i had a few years back and she was mad about it. and i brought that up when i tried telling her and she nearly threw me out of the house. then she recently found another stash i had but she hasn't said anything yet

a little background.
My parents divorced when I was about 5, I have one sister, parents don't talk.

Last year I told my mom on the phone that I used to borrower her clothes when I was a teen, here was our conversation:

Do you still struggle with it?

Yes.

Does your wife know?

No.

Do you talk to anybody about it?

No.

An that was the extent of our conversation, that was the last that was said about it. But next week when my dad called he started adding gay slurs that I had never heard from him before and he asked me what I thought of "queers". When we wrapped up our conversation he refused to respond when I told him I love him.
I'm figuring my mom told my sister who in turn told my dad.
I haven't returned my moms calls, since I told her.

I told my mom several months ago. I'm 42. She wishes I didn't tell her, but only because she says she now has something to worry about with me. She has offered advice, and to be my confidant when I need one. I told my father last year, we shared tears. He told me "...I don't care, you're still the same man I knew before you told me..." or something to that effect. However, we haven't discussed it much since. I think he is uncomfortable with discussing it. Should I have told them? Absolutely, they are my parents and there is no blame to be laid for being who or what I am. I was just born this way. I only wish I told them much earlier. I could have been spared being alone in my torment and got the help I clearly needed. As it was, I suffered in silence and had to learn to deal with my guilt, shame, and self loathing on my own. It was a terrible was to grow up.

Ginger

My mommy caught me dressed when I was a teenager. I got quite the scolding. Tho we have never spoken of it since, I think she suspects I still dress sometimes.

I was busted when I was 12; my mother went ballistic and stormed off. My father had a bit of a talk with me afterwards and I lied to him about my gender identity so as to get my folks off my back. They're extremely intolerant, so I don't think I'm ever going to tell them. If they haven't figured it out after the hints that I've left (dispensing fashion advice, looking too long at dresses, mysterious soft packages in the mail when I'm home during the summer...), then they never will!

-Amelia

My mother might have contributed somewhat to my CDing. That I eventually became a CD shouldn't have come as a surprise to her. When she did discover me at the age of fifteen wearing my sister's clothes she became ballistic. I could never figure that out.