Wife finally knows.....not the reaction i expected

Well, the cat is out of the bag, as they say. Basically my days off from work are during the week, which allows me time to dress or peruse the computer. Well, I was on the internet via our television and had some crossdressing content on the screen. I had gotten up to go to the kitchen when the wife unexpectedly came home from work. How do you deny something like that when it's staring you in the face? You can't. My heart felt like it fell through the floor and I knew then that my life would never be the same again. She kinda froze, told me that she wouldn't be able to pick up our daughter from school that day and quickly dashed out the door. I didn't chase after her but thought better just to let her stew or at least try and wrap her head around her little discovery. What I was feeling personally was overwhelming panic and dread. I calmed down quickly, accepted what had happened and waited for her to come home. I also sent her an email, which I knew she would most likely read via her phone. I don't carry a cell phone so I couldn't try and call her. I basically told her to at least not panic and that I would answer any questions that she had for me. Well, she came home shortly and not only did she not panic but she accepted it very easily and very quickly. She's not repulsed by it and accepts it as a part of who I am. Hell, we even cracked a few jokes over it. I was absolutely stunned because this is not the reaction that I knew would be coming. I answered all of her questions and I'm sure more will be coming but everything worked out and to be honest I think it has helped our somewhat rocky relationship.

Now the big question. She knews this is part of me and also knows that I can't (and won't) give it up. That was one of the first things I emphasized to her: I will not stop doing this..it is part of me. So, at what point do I let her see me dressed or should I even let her see me at all? Maybe a picture first?

Damn, it feels good to be accepted for who you really are.

You are very lucky to have a wife who, faced with this "secret", is being very open and understanding. Make sure to give her a hug, and try to understand that she needs time to process and work thru her feelings AT HER PACE. The only point when you do let her see you dressed, or even at all, or a picture, is when, and only when she asks. You must get permission from her, and do not force yourself upon her, or you may get the reaction that you initially expected.

Glad everything worked out well.

I'm a bit of a newb to all of this, and I'm sure you'll get lots of great advice from others, but I think I would wait and let your wife speak up if she wants to see you dressed up. She sounds like she's excepting it pretty well but pushing it to fast to soon might change that. It might be best to leave that ball in her court.

I would very much like to hear other's opinions on this as well, either for or against.

Your wife's initial reaction to this discovery was positive. Now, how can you build on that base. You mentioned that your relationship is "rocky". Why? Can you use this as an opportunity to improve communications between the two of you? Not just about CDing, but about your relationship as a whole.

Just an observation...don't just make this about you and your need to CD. Focus your attention on her - what she needs to get out of the relationship.

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Originally Posted by Gurly

So, at what point do I let her see me dressed or should I even let her see me at all? Maybe a picture first?

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You should ask her what she feels comfortable with, and follow her lead.

I am in a very similar position to you, Gurly, and I second the opinion of all the other girls on this board. My wife's reaction, too, was surprisingly positive (just 10 days ago) and since then our relationship has taken a dramatic and amazing turn for the better. But I have quickly learned that while I dressed in private for the better part of 2 years, and have had all that time to think about it, gradually grow into it, and accept it, she is having a "crash course" about the hidden side of her husband.

Honesty works best for me, but I don't show her more clothes than she asks for (so far she has seen a couple of my bedtime outfits but hasn't asked to see the wig, the dresses, or her husband dressed up). She hasn't asked for pictures and she doesn't know that I think of myself as "elizabethamy" when dressed. I have honestly told her that I don't know how far this is going to go, since it's new to me, too, but I have entered therapy to help find out.

What I do know is that I love her more than ever and that letting go of the secret has brought us closer together. There have been a couple of bad days out of the last ten, and I know there will be more. What she has lost is the old image of her husband. What she has gained is a new closeness, an intimacy, a reassurance that this is a side of me, but it isn't my whole self, at least not yet.

Whether all that's enough, time will tell. But our mentors are right. Honestly, but slowly. Let her grow into it. I wish you so much good fortune with your wife!

elizabethamy

Whoa, Gurly! Easy does it! If u want to know what she REALLY thinks about your dressing, wait until u have your NEXT big disagreement!

THEN, you'll find out if u can go shopping together, or u need to go back in your closet!

Well, to say that my crossdressing didn't contribute to marriage problems would be a lie. It was a bit indirect, though. She never knew about it and I had to sneak around, so I felt like I was not being completely honest with her, like I was hiding a secret (which I was). She later had an affair with another guy and we seperated for about a year and a half and I eventually let her back in but it's been a long, slow process since then. Lots of anger, lots of suspicions, yada, yada, yada. We weren't communicating well at time. As far as my dressing goes, I've always WANTED to tell her but never had the stones to do it, which would actually make me more incommunicative towards her. However, things have calmed down considerably during the past several months, meaning we are being more open with each other and certainly are fighting less. When it comes to my being accidentally outed the other day, I think she was more impressed with the fact that I showed her the real me than she was with the subject matter.

Thanks for the replies by the way. I am taking everyone's advice and taking it slow. Just because you drop one bomb doesn't mean you have carpetbomb the whole area, eh? I guess I should just be grateful for her reaction.

My wife has known for sometime and is 100% behind me. She has helped me in many ways. It is so wonderful and it also made our marriage of 30 years much stronger. Remember from time to time do something special for your wife and tell her often that you love her.
I live 24/7 as Kimberly and love everyday of it.
I wish the two of you the best.
Love Kimberly

While those were not the best circumstances for her to find out about your CDing, she has take it very well, and this is a fantastic opportunity for you two to talk things over. If you look back on this board there is about one thread a week where someone has been out-ed, and you will find some excellent advice regarding where to go from here. I would even suggest that she could join up here and talk to other women who have been in similar situations.

My girlfriend also found me out in a similar way to yours.. and though at first she was horrified, she took it upon herself to find out all she could about CDing, and then joined up here even before I knew this forum existed. After talking to quite a few people, it dispelled a lot of doubts and fears that she had, and it actually brought us closer together.

Feel free to drop us a line if you'd like to talk some more. Good luck, and enjoy this upcoming phase! :)

OK I'm not married but here it is.
1) her first reaction was to leave as soon as she could. Then was OK? Well that may have been her way to deal with the shock. But I have talked to many girls that there wiifes/girl friend had that first reaction and then days...week or months down the road began to hate it and broke them up. Don't get me wrong its a great start but you have to HAVE to let her take if at her pace and YOU to not talk only about it.
2) if she ever comes to this site I would give you this advice.... I'll pm you it.

Good luck.

. As the fog settles

Ya I must be missing something here.. So your wife finally know that you like crossdressing content??

I'm with the; 'wait 'til the proverbial' hits the reality fan
&
'maybe wait for her lead'

She just might be elated to realize she now has an edge up on 'ya

Hi Gurly

I am sure your wife will have lots more questions for you.
There will also be a lot of ups and downs along the way. Remember she has only just found out. Most of us have had a lifetime to try and understand our partners are not so lucky It will take her time get used to new new situation.

Take things along at whatever pace she wants too.
Also if she needs someone to talk to she could join this forum where there is a section for female partners when she has ten posts.

Seeing you en femme has to happen on her own terms and timing. You have dealt with this your whole life, and to her it's possibly a new thing. Don't bank on the rational and speedy acceptance. Many people act rationally at first, but then give in to their own fears. You'll need to be there for her, to address those fears. Open communication is key.

Gurly - congratulations, you now have access to a relationship with a whole new level of trust and integrity.

The good news is that you probably didn't try to put up too much of a "Macho" persona to cover up your femme side, as many of us have tried to do. She may have been attracted to you BECAUSE you're not the "macho man" type that may have actually repulsed her. She may have even suspected that you were effeminate and maybe even that you might have been a cross-dresser. She may have been struggling with how to tell you that she liked that and was afraid that you might feel that our masculinity had been threatened. She might have even hinted before, or teased you, especially if you watch chick-flicks with her and cry during the touching parts.

There are many women who are very attracted to that type of man, and they really love that a man is willing to experience his feminine side.

If this is the case, you may be in for a really wonderful relationship. She may have some new ideas that you might really like. The most important thing is that she knows that the bra she found in your closet is yours and not some girl's with you've been having an affair.

The fact that you were able to crack a few jokes about it is a very good sign. If she joked about you not ever being all that macho or that she thought you were a bit "swishy", then she knew, probably before your first date. In fact, if you tried to start being "macho man" she would probably want out.

You probably do want to let her see some of your best pictures, not too many and not too sexy. If you have something where you are fully dressed and not looking like a street-walker, and you look like you could pass, then you might want to show her that one. If you've dressed up and worn make-up, then that would be good as well. And don't ask her if she like it, ask her for some advice and beauty tips. My wife loves to make wardrobe recommendations and both my daughter and step-daughter have made some really great make-up and hair recommendations. If you let her know that you value her opinion, and that you want to talk about fashion and shoe shopping and make-up, she will open up to you like you can't imagine.

Next time, let HER pick the movie, and give HER the remote control. See where she takes you and accept her invitation into "Women's world". There is a whole world she lives in, that she has never been able to share with you because she assumed you wouldn't be interested. She might even start inviting you to girls night out. My wife and I treat each other to manicures and pedicures. I also get my eyebrows waxed. I often let her pick out the color of the nail polish. Last time I got something with some sparkles, and I was surprised at how many COMPLIMENTS I got from women at church, women at work, and even a few men.

I used to love to braid my sister's hair, I taught her to do make-up and got her past the clown session during one of her pajama parties. She would even invite me to the parties to help her friends do their hair, do their make-up. I'd go back to my room when I was done, letting them have some "girl time". When I finally came out, my sister just nodded, smiled, and said "I thought so". Mom knew too. She was glad to see that I was out, but she let me know that she was worried about possible repercussions at work. By then, they both knew that my wife was having an affair, so they weren't worried about her.

Usually, where I have seen things get ugly, including in my own case, is when we try to overcompensate for our transgender desires by trying to be "too masculine", or denying. Men who openly engage in gay bashing, sexist remarks, and get upset when their wives make requests and their friends start telling them that they are "pussy whipped". My dad tried that tactic on me, and I got sucked into it for a while, it almost cost me my marriage years earlier.

Other things that can make coming out to your wife very ugly are things like avoiding chores you consider "Women's work", like cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, doing laundry, or changing diapers.

Yesterday, I got fully dressed as Debbie, and cleaned the house. I vacuumed, picked up, did the laundry, folded the clothes and put them away, washed the dishes and put them away, cleaned the kitchen counter and pots, and cleaned the toilets. When my wife got home, I was still in my skirt, hose, and heels, as well as a sweater. I had not put on make-up because I knew I would be sweating and it would be messed up, along with my clothes, so I was just bare-faced. Since I've been plucking my face and using home electrolysis, I don't get five-o'clock shadow for about a week, and even then only in the chin and the neck, which I just haven't completely pruned yet. She was thrilled and gave me a great big kiss. Then, because I knew she had been ringing hand-bells most of the day, I knew she needed a backrub. She just bent over the table, and let me rub her lower back, then I moved up to her back which I scratched, especially the area covered by the bra. I put my hand at the clasps and she just said "Oh yes", at which point I unclasped the bra began scratching the exposed area. She bought me dinner, and I went upstairs while she finished packing for her trip. She came in to thank me properly but I had fallen asleep on the couch in my office. When I finally woke up and came in, she have me a feather-touch back-rub and snuggled with me.

Got up to get undressed and she started reading her kindle. When I went back to the bed, I asked her what she was reading, she said "Alice in Genderland", a book I had been asking her to read for about a month now. She plans to finish reading it on the plane.

My heart was in my mouth just reading this.
I am delighted she is taking it so well.
Now please listen to all the experts here [I am not] and don’t spoil it.
Good luck,

SUZY

Perhaps she has been having guilt feelings all this time about her affair, and catching you with a secret took the weight of those actions off her shoulders; sort of "getting even" thing.

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Originally Posted by *Vanessa*

. As the fog settles

So your wife finally know that you like crossdressing content??

I'm with the; 'wait 'til the proverbial' hits the reality fan
&
'maybe wait for her lead'

She just might be elated to realize she now has an edge up on 'ya

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Call me cynical but, yeah, I have to agree with that sentiment. I hope everything works out well for you two. However, given that she has had an affair before and things were a little bit rocky, I would be careful. Give her every courtesy but be careful she doesn't use it against you.

This is the part , the section of the forum where it becomes so helpful . I think all of the replies I've read so far are so valuable . May I please add my pennies worth ?
My advice is simple . Please , just take time out , and let both of you calm down .
To have a worry upon ones shoulders sometimes becomes weighty burden .
However in the cold light of a new day sometimes that weight is like a feather , once reality has returned with a calmness .
If you look back , take stock of events so far theres been no big boom , explosion or conflict . And that says something .
Just give each other a little slack , and then talk .
Thats all .
All the very best for the future .

[QUOTE=Gurly;2663137]Well, to say that my crossdressing didn't contribute to marriage problems would be a lie. It was a bit indirect, though. She never knew about it and I had to sneak around, so I felt like I was not being completely honest with her, like I was hiding a secret (which I was). She later had an affair with another guy and we seperated for about a year and a half and I eventually let her back in but it's been a long, slow process since then.

I hate to bust your "BUBBLE" Gurly, but I've seen Child Protection Services twice over the years due to my "First" wife. Yes you are right, you'll never change, it's in your DNA so to speak, but let her make the moves.....

Here's how to test the waters; Buy and wear a pair of plain, white women's bikinni panties and when you undress at night let her see you wearing them. If she can handle it make the next pair nylon, and they may be just white, black or another color. As you keep adding get her input if everything is O.K. Remind her you haven't become gay or female but you really like the fit and feel of womens clothing over men's. Slow and easy, just remember wive's get jealous if their husbands panties are prettier and sexier than theirs.

You need to slow down and instead of thinking about how and when she sees you dressed, you need to be doing more talking with her, ask her about and concerns or worries that she has. See if she wants to set any grounds rules in regards to when you dress, take her lead and don't rush into things.

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Originally Posted by deebra

just remember wive's get jealous if their husbands panties are prettier and sexier than theirs.

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:ohgoon: you really believe that, well sorry to burst your bubble but the comment is absolute rubbish.

Don't get to comphy.... Its well documented that the 180 degree change in attitude can give someone whiplash !

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Originally Posted by deebra

just remember wive's get jealous if their husbands panties are prettier and sexier than theirs.

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You often post things like this. And I often explain why this isn't true. Yet, you persist in spreading this fallacy. Do you not have an ability to consider the truth? Or, are you lost in a pink fog, maybe? :p

For every one person who will tell you that they received nothing but unconditional support from their SO, you will also hear a horror story of a SO who didn't, or turned and used it against the person.

Only you know your SO well enough to gauge what could happen next. Keep the lines of communication open, and ensure you're being completely honest with her. Here's wishing you two all the best!

I wish I could tell my wife about my dressing up. I agree with karren. At least with my wife, she will be happy one hour and angry the next. I can't find a good time to drop the crossdressing bomb without fear.

Not to put too much of a damper on how your feeling right now, but by your account I would say she has mentally accepted it but emotionally I wouldn't be so sure. Seems she had a great big shock, went off for a little bit, reasoned it out to herself that it wasn't such a big deal and is taking it in stride for right now and doing her best to seem supportive of you.
I would suggest taking things slow with her and let her get some emotional comfort with it. If you don't overwealm her and let her get accomstomed to the fact slowly she will be ok. She will likely bring up some things on her own and you can talk to her about those things with her and let her explore this side of you at her comfort level. Go shopping with her when she shops for clothes for herself and you might point out some clothes that appeal to you for yourself here and there. Show interest in clothes and makeup and stuff without tying it all to yourself and it will open up a dialogue.

I'm am happy for you that you got a good first impression. My wife's first impression wasn't bad either. A couple of weeks ago my wife flipped about it all. Now she appears to be leveling off.
All I am saying is, proceed with the utmost caution. Baby steps to gauge her reactions. You may not be out of the woods just yet.

ReineD, chill out, I'm just throwing a little humor in my posts, SO why haven't you got upset at Karen?

My first wife got all sweet and agreeable and I thought, "Wow! Maybe there's hope for us after all." What I didn't know was that she was clearing out the bank accounts, maxing out the credit cards, renting an apartment and moving her boyfriend in, hiring a moving company and retaining a lawyer. Pretty funny if you weren't me. Don't get too comfortable.

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Originally Posted by Gurly

Well, the cat is out of the bag, as they say. Basically my days off from work are during the week, which allows me time to dress or peruse the computer. Well, I was on the internet via our television and had some crossdressing content on the screen. I had gotten up to go to the kitchen when the wife unexpectedly came home from work. How do you deny something like that when it's staring you in the face?

So, at what point do I let her see me dressed or should I even let her see me at all? Maybe a picture first?

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I'm confused. It sounded like you were already dressed when she came home a caught you!?

If not, then ask her if she'd like to see you enfemme, or would she rather see a picture first, if at all.

As a caution, don't even think your wife has accepted your cd'ing at this point.

She may seem like it at the moment, but you are going to have to earn her trust back after not being honest with her all this time. There will be a lot to talk about and go through with the up's and down's.

Time and time and time again, the cd'er thinks her wife has accepted long before there is any real evidence to support that in the long run. So listen to everyone and go slow and expect the up and down's and for heaven's sake don't get into the pink fog right now. Keep assuring her and listen to her.

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Originally Posted by deebra

Slow and easy, just remember wive's get jealous if their husbands panties are prettier and sexier than theirs.

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Originally Posted by deebra

ReineD, chill out, I'm just throwing a little humor in my posts, SO why haven't you got upset at Karen?

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So where in the first post above is any indication you weren't serious? Karren's comment was obviously a joke. Yours isn't.

My kids used to do that all the time ... say something boorish, and when taken to task, they would hide behind the "But it was only a joke" excuse.

If you're going to joke around, make sure it's funny. But frankly, quite a few of us here, including newbie GGs who are trying to learn to be accepting of their husbands CDing and CDs who are struggling with non-accepting wives, fail to see the humor in allegations that women are jealous of their husbands or their panties.

I think it is important to remember that men and women can approach the world in very different ways. Men tend (not always) to take an emotional position and then stay with it. So, whatever Bob thought yesterday he will for the most part think today. But, women tend to reconsider emotional positions and that can cause distortion in the communication within a couple. You may think she has fully accepted you because that's what she said yesterday, but what you don't know is that she may suddenly be afraid about what this all means and today she is just now sure.

So what's the point? Go slow, keep communicating and don't assume you know what she thinks. You are still building this relationship and you will need to give her time to get to know the you all over again.