Tell her!!

It has been a long time since I posted on here..
Mostly because I did not need too..
I am just writing this to tell the young ones and the newbies that wonder.. "Should I Tell Her".. = YES. TELL HER!
Right now I am going through a divorce of devastating problems and results..
BECAUSE I did not TELL HER in the begining..
She found out later I assure you.. They always will.. About 5 years ago.. I made mistakes,, She made mistakes... I did not hide things properly.. ETC..
But ONE THING that she is stabbing me in the side with.. is ... I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER IN THE BEGINING of the relationship.. And she is stabbing me with a discovery that I thought was ammended 5 years ago..
Now we are Divroced..
Soo.. to the young ones..
Tell Her up front.. I Beg You..
About CROSSDRESSING..
I think that it may be easier for this generation than mine, as this society seems more accepting about crossdressing now a days, but not too much.. It may be fun or a thrill OR Even a Life transition.. BUT ALWAYS TELL HER UP FRONT! A Scorned woman is a nasty force to behold, I Assure you!
Melora/Katie

Sorry to hear about the tough times. But, yes, I regret not knowing it about myself and letting my know before we got serious when we were dating.

I add that in because, all my life, I just thought it was a quirk, one that I didn't really need to tell anyone about and could enjoy on my own whenever the urge hit. However, when you marry someone and they are there every day, it becomes more than just something you do now and then.

Anyway, my wife has known for over a year now and we have never had confrontational words about it. I also am especially careful not to dress as often as I'd like and keep it within her comfort zone.

Again, I sympathize and know that your future relationships will turn out well.

I told my wife I liked to wear womens clothes but failed to mention I wanted to transition this has been really hard for her. I am so sorry you are in this divorce I hope to avoid divorce but time will tell. Honesty would have been so much better. I learned a hard lesson. Good luck to you.

I cannot tell my wife as I know she'll go ballistic. There are some things you know someone can't handle, and I know my wife can't handle my dressing, much less my identity confusion. Had I known 20 years ago when we met I would have been upfront. Of course if my identity was in a state of flux 20 years ago I probably wouldn't have asked her out in the first place.

I have to agree. If you're in a relationship and considering making it long term, summon up your courage, do your preparations and begin the conversation.

Sorry to hear about the bad outcome Melora. I'd be interested to know whether the knowledge if given to her upfront would have allowed the marriage to consumate, or would she have walked at the point of doscovery. This may be important to some readers. In my case, when I told her about my gender expression, she accepted it completely from the get go, whereas some reject it totally at the point of disclosure. I also agree regardless of the outcome, the 'info.' should be given upfront.

I agree that telling your spouse is the best thing you can do, but I do not believe crossdressing is "the" cause of broken marriages. It is one more stressor that can certainly put someone over the top, but how many other stressors got you to the boiling point? Honesty in marriage goes beyond crossdressing.

TELL HER!!!...I couldn't agree more. Your future companion for LIFE has the right to know...hiding, lying, deceiving...what a great way to start to a marriage!

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this, Katie. I have held forth the proposition that crossdressing is a lousy reason to deep-six a perfectly good marriage, from either side you look at it. Honesty with one's wife is a very good doctrine to follow. I was not open about it with my wife when we married, and it caused problems. She did, however, come to understand why I didn't tell her up front. And now it is not a problem between us. I don't crossdress around her, and she doesn't give me any grief over it.

If you hint at wearing a dress--and there is a negative response--what then? I hinted to my wife that I was a crossdresser and said, "Didn't my mother tell you?" she said, "If you are really a crossdresser, get out now."

"Just joking." I replied.

We are a misunderstood miniority. Sigh. She found out 10 years later.

I didn't really know I was a cd when I got married. Just thought I had some odd fantasies and that they would disappear when I got married. Wrong. Not much during the child rearing years, but then more intense in my 50's. I didn't mentally call myself a crossdresser until my late fifties after I got online.

My CDing is only "part" of the problem yes.. There are other stressors for sure.. Always. Most of them my fault. It is just that she is weilding this fact about me, as a weapon against me in trying to make me feel lousy about this one of the things that went wrong.
In fact, I havent even dressed in about a year now, just to try to heal our relationship.. However this was not good enough for her expectations.
I will get through this, maybe as a better person in the long run, being all the wiser because of it.
In hindsight, I feel strongly that if I had told her about this, things would have been a a great deal better regarding this.
I have noticed through out the years that this subject of "should I tell her", is a big theme on this site. My story is one that shows what could happen if found out through discovery.

I'm all for honesty...especially up front.
I can take a few punches. .....just get it over with and move on.

Katie,

Sorry about your situation, I am in the same boat that I have not told my wife and I have been a CD for over 40 years. I have no idea how she will react but as everyone has stated I need to tell her and deal with the mess I created.

Kate,

Sorry, as others have said, for what you are going through..even if it was revealed later in the marriage and it just can't work out, maybe in the end you will find happiness.. its okay to put it away while you go through all of this, but later when the time is right, try it again and see if you smile more than you have in a long time.

Yes, I agree in most cases that its more to what is wrong than the dressing. But I also believe that IT can be the one cause of a breakup. It just like anything else that one can not handle so they feel compelled to walk away, such as gambling addiction or drinking or hmmm baseball card collecting. Who knows.. but that person who can't live in that manner.

I for one ended my marriage as I felt I was not important to it all..meaning, I felt that i was there to just pay the bills and give in to her wishes. Yes I was experimenting with who I wanted to portray...and yes, she tried to use it as a tool to hurt me..but in the end, it didn't.. since I did not try to win her back, I just let her go. I enjoyed being me for the first couple of years after, but in the past year, I have questioned what this is about..but that is another story.

It would be great to have all things work out and be normal again.. but can you be that same person she wants..or do you have to be you?

I wish you the best.. in all that you seek.

Marissa

Telling your wife that you like to wear pretty female clothes isn't going to get the same reaction that telling her that you want a sex change operation. I've seen both of scenarios play out. Usually when the wife finds out about the later, she has no control over a sometimes runaway bus. I had an opportunity to befriend a lady that was in the second scenario, it wasn't pretty. She would have had no problem with a crossdresser, but the other she didn't get a vote on.

So depending on what you are going to tell, the results might be different.

I whole-heartedly agree about being honest and up-front about it. I know that it's REALLY gonna be hard to find a girlfriend in my case. Not very many women are crazy about getting with a polyamorous, bigendered, bisexual person. But even at the risk of never finding a potential wife, I'm still very much forward and brutally honest when I get with a person. :)

I absolutely agree about being honest. I told my wife before we were married there can be no question that if I had kept such an important part of myself secret she would have left for no other reason than I kept that kind of secret. I also recommend that young and or new crossdressers do their research and understand that it is a part of them and that will probably never change so trying to keep the secret will become much more difficult as your life goes on. You have to come to some understanding before you commit you life to someone. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time because of your CDing hopefully things will get better for you in this new year.

I agree totally. And, nowadays it's a lot easier to do. But you need to sort out in your own mind where you're going wiv this. A woman will accept a temporary aberration from the norm if she loves you enough. We know this, we are women after all. Is it going to be some fetish, on the side. The problem is that the crossdresser today is the transsexual 2 years down the road (an old joke I understand). No woman worth her salt is going to put up wiv U having boyfriends on the side. The ménage Ã* trois situation just doesn't work. In my honest opinion this kind of relationship (I mean something that starts in a traditional way) only works out where both sides have bisexual tendecies to start wiv. The she becomes the man, you become the woman. But this is, like, very unusual. So in most cases the relationship is doomed, although most will survive until the children are independent. This is, after all, the whole point of the thing. Afterwards nobody cares. So people will tend to do their own thing. It might give the kids some grief though.

I'm really sorry about that, Katie. I whole heartedly agree with that advice though. I told my wife well before we were married. Sure, she was kind of put off by it at first, but she has really grown to embrace this side of me. We have the strongest bond that 2 human beings can possibly have. I am very....very fortunate.

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Originally Posted by Courtney_Glenn

I'm really sorry about that, Katie. I whole heartedly agree with that advice though. I told my wife well before we were married. Sure, she was kind of put off by it at first, but she has really grown to embrace this side of me. We have the strongest bond that 2 human beings can possibly have. I am very....very fortunate.

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This is similar to what I have been through. I told my wife soon after we were married that I was CD. After the usual spate of questions she sort of accepted it, although for 30 years it really was not a big part of my life. Now I dress often and openly, and she fully accepts it, since we both know how important we are to each other.

But the bottom line is as that we -- and our wives / SO's -- are all different, and what works for some may not work for others. I guess there are two main roads here -- either be open from the start, or keep it hidden and hope that the lack of trust and openness is never brought up. As we've seen from numerous posts, that can lead to hurtful situations.

I thought the urges and desires to dress would go away when I was married...all it did was open the door to a whole new wardrobe to experiment with. I went through many stages of buying and purging clothes (and hiding). After 27 years, she discovered my secret. It was not a good way to find this hidden part of me. Things were not good between us for a time. Then the discussions started, along with many questions. Fortunately, I have a very understanding and loving wife. She knows now that this is a part of me that will never go away. She understands that it makes me who I am, and without it I cannot be complete.
I no longer have to hide, and I am able to express my true inner self, with only a few requested boundries.
My only reget is that I didn't tell her years ago. I underestimated what a wonderful and loving woman she is.

I told my wife about "charly" before we were married and things are still great. I feel, as most women [I think] feel that when you hiding something that you are unfaithfull, you are cheating, and not having trust in them or your marrage. I think when you lay it all out before marrige you are not going in with baggage of hiding something. I told mine just when we started get serious and I knew I wanted her to be mine for life I just laid it all out. At first she thought that I was interested in men also but I assure that's not the case. She just accepted it, mainly cause she didn't understand and grew with it as with me and support my cding as she supports me. We been married for over 32 yrs now and things are great. So for anyone thinging of geting serious with a loved one tell them before you get too serious and then you get scared and never tell then that issue of trust

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Originally Posted by moondog

I cannot tell my wife as I know she'll go ballistic. There are some things you know someone can't handle, and I know my wife can't handle my dressing, much less my identity confusion. Had I known 20 years ago when we met I would have been upfront. Of course if my identity was in a state of flux 20 years ago I probably wouldn't have asked her out in the first place.

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You cannot tell your wife because she'll find out something she needs to know? How much of her life are you willing to burn?

Lea

i just let my wife know everything about my dressing. she took it well (for the most part she knew) there are things we need to work out still. my only regret is that (and she agrees) is that we didn't talk about this 10 years ago. Our lines of communication have really opened up. I feel like I can talk to her about anything now.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, do you think if you told her up front she would have taking it better and still be with you? My wife was more upset about me lying to her then about the cross dressing, even though she kinda knew.

If I may?

There is so much more to it than just telling her [ but that is the single most important talk] Still you need to be willing to keep talking and treating her as an equil partner in ALL aspects of your life.
If after the first talk , she walks , what did you lose ? Then if you shut her out some time "down the road , what is she to think?

I need to comment on Leas' post # 23 ... How much of Both your lives are you willing to burn?

Please tell her ... and keep telling her [ that is if you love her enough ]
Presh GG

This is a tough call. i agree with you on telling her. i recently told my wife of two years and she was cool with everything, she was more upset that i kept it hidden. my keeping it secret definitely caused a rift in our relationship. since telling her we have never been stronger. some questions you need ask yourself i think are how serious your dressing is and only you can know how she will take it, is it worth it ?. for me it certainly was. as said before my relationship is stronger now because i told her.