Looks Like I've Been Outed

Just got some upsetting news. It looks like I've been outed.

I've been a member of a women's group for the past two or three years. The Chairlady invited me, but at first she made the mistake of telling some of the members that I was a guy. Not all the members, just some.

Well, over the years I've been very well accepted and treated as just another woman. Noone has ever asked me anything. We go out to dinner once a month and have events - trips to places, things like that. I've been an active member, and, a couple of months ago was responsible for hostessing one of the dinners.

Not only has nearly everyone been very sweet, but my spouse (also a member) and I have developed some friendships with some of the women. We shop together, go out together, things like that.

Well, there is this one woman, I call her The Nemesis, who is the leader of a small clique within the group. She has been a long-time friend of the Chairlady. Knowing that she wasn't exactly on my side at the beginning, I always tried to be nice to her. I gave her a gift for her Birthday (I was the only member who did so) and was pleasantly surprised when she gave me a gift for mine.

A couple of months ago I'm told that she had even said that she had warmed up to me and that we had become friends.

A few days ago there was the monthly dinner meeting. As it turned out, my spouse and I were unable to attend, and, at the last minute, so was the Chairlady. Apparently Nemesis took the opportunity to dis me, letting everyone know that I was "really a man." There were members that did not know and they have been terribly shocked.

The Chairlady, long my defender, is very angry about this, but we haven't yet figured out quite what to do.

Tonight I'm feeling pretty awful for the pain to the Chairlady, the group, and myself.

Hugs,
Persephone.

That is so sad! I'm really sorry for you! I know that group means so much to you for you have written about it several times! I hope everything works out for you! Hugs!

Sweetie, I'm so sorry! That's horrible! :-(

I'm slightly boggled that it was okay for you and your wife to be there together but not your wife and her 'husband.' ugh. Hopefully they'll decide it don't make no never-no-mind whether you are the L or the T, and get back to normal and enjoying your company, Persephone!!

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Originally Posted by Cynthia Anne

That is so sad! I'm really sorry for you! I know that group means so much to you for you have written about it several times! I hope everything works out for you! Hugs!

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Thank you, Cynthia Anne. You are right, the group means a great deal to me. I'm not going to run from this, I'm going to fight back, woman against Nemesis. But I am also not going to tear the group apart.

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Originally Posted by Babeba

I'm slightly boggled that it was okay for you and your wife to be there together but not your wife and her 'husband.' ugh.

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My spouse and I attend as sisters-in-law.

Hugs,
Persephone.

Next meeting just ask if anyone has questions or concerns (don't even mention anything to do with TG or male...just say "I have herad that there may be an issue and I would like to resolve it). Thank everyone for their friendship Then go on with the meeting because Nemesis won't have the guts to confront you face to face

On the grounds that she is gossiping or breaking a privacy rule or just being plain mean to another member of the group should be enough to ask her to go. If I were the chairperson, it doesn't matter what the issue is, if one member of the group is acting in a way to discredit another member, they would be asked to leave. Sorry about the situation.

That's so sad to hear. Perseph, you have my fondest wishes for a succesful meeting. Take your time, think out your response, and stand your ground. My bet is you're not the only one who doesn't really care for her, and the group obviously is something worth fighting for to you.

Its really sad to hear this. But I second what others have said, you should still go to that meeting and see if she confronts you, I think most people will see that regardless of weather you are a "real" woman or not, you are waaay nicer than her.

Hi I am new to Crossdressers and was just reading this post. I live in the UK and if this happened over here, Privacy laws would take affect. As I don't know the laws over there, I can only say, I hope you manage to resolve the issue with The Nemesis, in a way that makes her feel 2 inches tall, whilst making you out to be a hero :) I am sure that there will be something you can do, to make you come out of it smelling of roses :) My thoughts are with you in this trying time. Love StacieJayne.

with friends like that who needs enemys. it is so sad that some people are not happy if they are not tearing some one down.

please keep use informed how every thing worked out.

sue ellan

life is like a roll of tp. the closer to the end the faster it goes.

Mean girls grow up to be even meaner women sometimes.....I am with the suggestion that you go and "put it out there" next meeting...Bet you have more friends in the group than she does!!!

Sorry to hear about your problem Persephone but it was really only a matter of time. Unfortunately there are people who make it their 'business' to cut other down just to make themselves 'seem' superior. This happens from the time kids start playing together and continues through their lives.

I'll go with Lorileah's suggestion and bring it up at the next meeting. You apparently have a favorable history with this group and many friends too. They should back you up on this. Hopefully they will.

Hugs and good luck,
Sandra1746

At the beginning of the next meeting, watch the other ladies and see how they react to you. If you feel you are being shunned, etc. then stand up and inform them you'd like to say a few words.

"Hi everyone. I heard that there was quite the meeting last month, and I'm sorry I missed it. I heard it was quite informative, and that you've all been told that I am a man.

I'm sure some of you were shocked at this revelation, and I'm sorry if some of you are offended, but I hope that is not the case.

Several of our group have known about me for quite a long time, isn't that so (The Nemesis)? If anyone had questions regarding my gender we would have been honest with you, because I'm not ashamed of who I am. But since it didn't appear to be an issue with anyone, then we just let sleeping dogs lie.

But, apparently someone just couldn't let them sleep quietly, and decided to cowardly inform everyone while I was not present. I guess she thought it was a secret, but just could not keep that secret any longer. I don't know who spoke out, but those who do, I'm sure, won't be telling her secrets any more.

If any of you have questions, please feel free to ask them now. If not, then let us proceed with having fun."

People LOVE to out CD and TS. It bites.

If a TG person is wanting to be part of a social group, it is best to stick with other TG. Preferably one led by TG.

See with non-TG people, they might act accepting and all that crap but when it comes down to it, they don't want their bigoted friends or family to know they are friends with people like us.

You do know that you just can't fix STUPID some things never change.

Please keep us advised I'll bet it comes out in your favor.

GOOD NEWS ! Now its all out in the open they can LOVE ya or just leave you alone . Now they already know that you can dress an present yourself as a woman an they have all liked you anyway so your the same nice person . Dont you dare let a few BAD APPLES spoil your fun hobby . You just hold your head up high an get right back in there . An if you have any trouble just call me Ill put on my plumber costume an plug up her sewer pipes an she will be to busy to bother you for a while .

I wish I knew what to say, but I really dont. Now the awkward part is that you have fibbed to them "My spouse and I attend as sisters-in-law" and this may well be held against you even by those who otherwise might not have had an issue with your gender

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Originally Posted by STACY B

GOOD NEWS ! Now its all out in the open they can LOVE ya or just leave you alone . Now they already know that you can dress an present yourself as a woman an they have all liked you anyway so your the same nice person . Dont you dare let a few BAD APPLES spoil your fun hobby . You just hold your head up high an get right back in there . An if you have any trouble just call me Ill put on my plumber costume an plug up her sewer pipes an she will be to busy to bother you for a while .

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Gotta agree with Stacy - the good news is that you no longer have anything to hide or worry about. With any luck, the majority will be fine with you.

I'm sorry, Persephone. Just keep being yourself, no matter what. Maybe your Nemesis was trying to get some attention (I know something you don't know!) through shock effect more than she was trying to hurt you, since she already knew and had given you a gift. I like Lorileigh's suggestion. Just keep going and maybe this worst disaster may turn in to one of your "finest hours". Now that it's in the open, wouldn't it be wonderful if the ladies accept you just as another lady, even knowing your history. Please keep us informed. I'm excited to believe that will be the case.

Sorry for your outing, seems no matter how hard you work to fit in, there is always someone that has to mess it up. Unfortunately once you have told anyone, it is no longer in your hands. I hope the ladies can over look your little deception and go on enjoying your company.
Tina B.

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. There are control freaks out and about all over the place. These people have to be the center of attention and control everything. Eventually this will come down to a conflict between the chairwoman and this person. How the rest of the group reacts is anybodies guess. If you are brought to the floor about it, just say that you have been sent by the secret male disruptor squad to find out the secret handshakes and how to get the secret decoder rings for female communications. The squad itself is planning to take over the world one women's group at a time.

Persephone, Nemesis is a biotch. What she did was disgraceful. The fact you've been a member for about 3 years should help. They had a chance to get to know you and you've made friends.

I have to agree with the members that say you should adress the group. Chairlady is on your side so that's a bonus. Perhaps challenge the other ladies to see if they have a problem with TG's. Everything is in the open now so you'll know pretty quickly anyways.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

I wish I knew what to say, but I really dont. Now the awkward part is that you have fibbed to them "My spouse and I attend as sisters-in-law" and this may well be held against you even by those who otherwise might not have had an issue with your gender.

Gotta agree with Stacy - the good news is that you no longer have anything to hide or worry about. With any luck, the majority will be fine with you.

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Gotta agree with both Kimberley and Stacy here. Hopefully the others will understand why you represented yourself the way you did, and will accept you for who you are. I was curious about your observation that they were "terribly shocked". Do you think they were shocked because they had accepted you as a woman [that says a lot about how you present yourself!] and then found out otherwise, or were they shocked because Nemesis would act the way she did, or maybe for some other reason? You'll doubtless have the support of those who already knew about you, and that should be a big help.

As others have said, do keep us posted.

Beginning with Lorileah, several have suggested handling this with calm and dignity which will win for you and your wife in the end. Address the group briefly and allow time for questions. And smile the whole time...especially at Nemesis.

Technically "Sisters in law" may not be a lie. They can be "sisters" in the "Every woman in the world is my sister" and legally they are related by marriage thus "In law" So, I am throwing out the complaint due to technicality

What that person did was just horrible. She might be jellos of you, and was trying
to get you out of the group.
Be carefully, you can not change your sex overnight, and the rest of the group just
might have trouble with you not being a GG.
I hope for the best for you, but go slowly, and be prepared for the worst, that way what
ever they come up with, you are prepared.
Rader

Hi Persephone,

Nicole Erin says it as it is, people can be accepting to the face but duplicitous behind your back. However, I think Lorileah's advice is quite possibly the best method to utilise in this situation.

It doesn't name names, doesn't point the evil finger, but it does at least open the floor to those that may harbour worries and have so far kept their counsel. It is such a slap in the face though.
Easy for me to say though sat on the couch in the UK. Hope it goes well.

Rebecca

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I have to go with Lorileah and others who advocate taking the high road. Don't try getting back at Nemesis because some of the other ladies may be put off by that. Just be honest and answer any questions calmly without pointing fingers.

I agree in sticking with the group and take the high road. I also agree in that a little air cleaning may be in order. A bully can only bully when they have anything over you. But by you coming out, you shoot their load now they have nothing.

If you are put in a position of defending yourself in the larger group, you can begin with Nemesis' allegation that you are "really a man." It is not precisely true, and it gives you an opening to explain who you are "really."

The whole gossipy event serves to prove that Nemesis is really not a lady.

This doesn't apply to the current situation where the cat is out of the bag, but the broader philosophical question with a TG person joining a women's group is if that person should *ever* acknowledge their gender status as anything other than female. It seems that doing so simply gives the one or two hateful people among them ammunition to use against the TG.

There are a lot of GGs out there who have masculine features. In the rare case that their gender is questioned I'd think that they would cut the question off rather abruptly, likely with a bit of "how dare you!" outrage of their own. They have no choice, since they _are_ the gender being questioned. That would very likely cause them to immediately prevail in a social organization where nobody has any right to ask for documentation. A TG could do the same, provided that she has the chutzpah to stick with the assertion.

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

I wish I knew what to say, but I really dont. Now the awkward part is that you have fibbed to them "My spouse and I attend as sisters-in-law" and this may well be held against you even by those who otherwise might not have had an issue with your gender

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I have to agree. While this is an unfortunate situation, it also isn't right that you've lied to this "women's group". If you want to get technical about it, is there anything in their membership rules about being biologically female?

I'm sorry, Persephone. But hopefully the friendships you've forged with many of the members will override the dissenting few.

The Nemesis needs to get a life.

Don't do anything.

Don't say anything.

You were not there. Don't try to deal with problems that may not exist. You have been in this group for many years. You have friends. Let the wisdom of the group deal with this. If the subject of your gender comes up, smile sweetly and say, "I think you must be mistaking me for someone else."

Stephie

I am continually amazed by people who will be so kind to you face to face, but lack any kind of a moral fiber in their entire being, and will throw you to the dogs behind your back when they think you will not know. I do not wish to offend anyone, but I would bet money this woman goes to church every sunday, thumps her bible, and sings in the choir, and is still one of the most immoral people I can imagine.

You have the high road, and I am sure that given time, your true friends in your group will see her for what she is, and reject her for what she is. Be honest. At your meeting, if you feel an uneasiness from the other women, address the group as mentioned by others. You have the upper hand. You know what was done, and who did it, and you can work your words to emphasize the good that you and your friends have experienced through your membership. You have been an asset to that group. I think most of them know that, and given the chance will say so and support you.

Love, Barbara

Thunderdome, just saying ...




also ... just kidding. Hope it gets resolved peaceably

Hopefully, You will be pleasantly surprised when you get a warm welcome at your next meeting. Your friends will know your true heart.

I've been following this for a while, trying to figure out what I might do in a similar situation. Some have wisely suggested that you say a little in front of the group. Others have wisely suggested that you say nothing. All have wisely suggested that you maintain your dignity, as I believe you would have done in any case.

My experience with this type of situation is that the rescue happens well before the meeting. Touch base with the key players (in person or by phone) before the meeting, especially the chairperson. Do what others have suggested, but on this small personal basis instead. Consensus will be formed long before the meeting, and you will know already whether it is safe to return or not.

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing how it turns out.

Miriam

i agree with miriam most of all.

First, I want to thank everyone who has read and posted to this thread. I really, really appreciate all of the consideration, thought, suggestions, and good wishes that went into each and every post. Thank you!

My spouse and I had the Chairlady over for tea today and we talked for about two hours. She is even willing to start a new group centered on me and the women in the group that accept me, but I feel that I do not wish to do anything that conflicts with the nature of the group or that harms it. I told her that I would rather remain her friend and step out of the group than to see it torn apart because of me.

As I think I've mentioned, she has been a long time friend of Nemesis as well, and, as a result, does feel conflicted by her friendships. As it happens, she is having lunch with Nemesis tomorrow, a lunch that was planned before all of this bubbled up, and she plans to find out more about what may have really happened, but be fairly aggressive in letting Nemesis know that I have the Chairlady's full support.

She is going to let me know what she finds out.

I will keep y'all informed as I know more.

Hugs,
Persephone.

With interest, thanks for the update!

Persephone, first let me say you are one brave girl. I'd never be able to enter that group regardless of how i presented. Second i agree with those who suggest you ask around with the ones who knew and are "friends" with you, to get their take on this. They are friends with most of the others too and they will have their views as well. And since they are your friends they will (if need be) defend your presence in the group. I'm fair sure with a bit of push from the other members, Nemesis is going to find herself and those of a like mind looking in on a group that can and will get along just fine without them. There will be no need to start a new group, the one now in progress will get along just fine.

SarahLynn

It has been a week since I learned that I was outed at my women's group (click here). Needless to say, it has been a miserable week for me, full of pain and tears. Thank you so much to everyone here who has posted and supported me. You really made a difference!

Last night about 16-18 members of the women's group held an exofficio Birthday Party for five members who had birthdays during the month (one of them was my spouse).

Based on the encouragement I received here, and remembering how Scarlett O'Hara dressed in her finest and went to the ball after her scandal, I decided I was going to go in style.

So there was a story going around that I was a guy? Let my girls do that talking! I picked a colorful maxidress, one with a low V neckline, added a large oval necklace for emphasis, and put the girls on display.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53...Maxidress2.jpg

I did my hair, put on my makeup, and mounted my open-toed 4-1/2" (11.4 cm) platform stilettoes (which barely lifted the hem of my maxidress off of the floor) and swept out of the door.

When we arrived at the restaurant several of the other members were also arriving, including the Chairlady, so hugging and chatting (one of the women immediately said, "How does she walk in those heels?"), we entered the restaurant.

It is so wonderful to say that I was immediately and happily greeted by nearly every woman there! It was smiles all around!

Except for Nemesis who looked at me for a long time. It wasn't a stare, she just keep looking in my direction, partly as if she was trying to tell me that we needed to talk, and partly as if "the girls" had left her a bit stunned.

I really didn't return her look or acknowledge it. Besides, I was too busy basking in the glow of the friendship from around the room!

I sat down next to the Chairlady, on her right, and spent the evening chatting and laughing with the women at my end of the table.

I did quietly ask the Chairlady if Nemesis was indeed the one who outed me, or if it was one of her cllque, and she went with a vague "I think she did, but it isn't clear."

At the end of the evening the subject of our dues came up. They are due the 20th of May and the Chairlady has said that anyone who hasn't turned them in by then is out.

I said something about not having paid mine yet, and the woman sitting to the right of The Nemesis, one of her handmaidens, said, "You have to pay, we want you to stay!"

Everyone giggled at her poetry and there were nods of assent. She even repeated it a second time.

I did not speak to Nemesis the entire evening, but lots of women came by to say "Goodnight" to me as the party broke up. Lots of hugs all around.

Who knows what the future will bring? But right now I'm feeling pretty good!

Hugs,
Persephone.

That is both awesome and heartwarming.
:)

Persephone, from what I see in your photo you definitely pass and I don't see why anyone would have any issues with you.

I am very happy for you!!!!
and you handled it like the lady you are!

That is great news! So glad to hear eveything went so well for you! I have learned that there are a lot of people out there that think making other people look bad makes them look good...it usually backfires! Great to see that you handled it so well, and that the group really seems to be on your side. Congrats!

What can I say but "Good show, Scarlett!" ;)

Way to go girl! You handled that perfectly! So proud of you! Hugs!

Sorry you fretted all week for nothing ;)

Nice group of ladies, it seems.

You see...good again triumphs over mean girls! Congratulations Barb!