The Bummer of returning to boy mode.

I had an experience yesterday that happens often with me. I would assume that it is common but your opinion would be interesting.
Yesterday I had to make a road trip to pick up some things for work. It was going to be a 6 hour round trip, and all I had to do was pick up a box from a delivery service and get it back to work and drop it off. Since I was leaving from home and only had to drop it off at work, I contacted Tanya a co-worker that I am out to. I told her to meet me next door to work and I would give her the box, because I would be in girl mode. She laughed and said ok.
Since I had arraigned it so that I could have a Katie day, I was totally excited. I told my wife about my road trip and that I was going in enfemme. She rolled her eyes and did her normal 'I don't want to see it.'
I will skip all the details but I had a great day. I was in the car most of the time but did stop a number of times for lunch and pee breaks. Being in public dressed is not new to me, but sometimes I forget how relaxed I can be in girl mode.

OK the point of the story is! I got home about ½ before the wife so that I could change clothes before she got home. She has made it clear she doesn't want to see me as Kaite.

Last night at home I went through a mild depression. I have discovered over the years when I spend a lot of time in girl mode, that going back to boy mode always puts me in a down mood. I use to think it was just coming down off the Pink Fog high. But I am sure there is more to it. I just hate going back to being male after such a nice day as a girl.
I assume I am not alone in this. Have any of you experienced this?

I think It has probably happened to most of us. It's usually because we separate the feelings between the two modes. The only way to end that is to amalgamate the feelings under one authority, then you are essentially yourself most of the time.:)

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

I think It has probably happened to most of us. It's usually because we separate the feelings between the two modes. The only way to end that is to amalgamate the feelings under one authority, then you are essentially yourself most of the time.:)

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Yes, I'd agree with Kate. I used to be sad and down when I had to return to guy mode, but now I accept that I'm me, not two personalities. Underdressing helps me also.

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

I think It has probably happened to most of us. It's usually because we separate the feelings between the two modes. The only way to end that is to amalgamate the feelings under one authority, then you are essentially yourself most of the time.:)

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The funny thing is I always considered myself pretty balanced person. I am me, whether dressed or not. My attitude doesn't really change with my appearance. My habits and likes are mostly the same for both sides. A sign of how comfortable I am while dressed.

Apparently I'm not as balanced as I though I was.

On a recent business trip I was able to dress except during working hours for 5 days. Going to work in male mode didn't seem to bother me. Of course when home I am able to dress only once in a while. That's when I experience the low.

Just goes to show; no mater how old we are we are still learning. :)

It is a bummer, it reallly is. I have to go back into guy mode to earn a living......but such is life. maybe when i retire, things will change.

(Sorry for the shorr response, i'writing this on my mobile)

I experience this feeling every time that I have to change back to "drab" mode. It makes no difference how long I have been
en femme or that I have been doing this for many years.

Yes, I have, Katie. Back in the 1990's, I lived in the city of Chicago where I had much more freedom to come and go when dressed, and I was going out dressed a lot. I got to the point where I was seriously considering trying to transition, but reality set in and I realized that I wasn't willing to lose my job and family members, so I backed away from it and just continued going out as often as I could. But that was too painful when I had to change back to being a man after a night out on the town and I eventually backed away from going out because of the pain associated with having to change back.

As Kate suggested, I did try to incorporate my feminine side into my man-life a bit, which did help, but it's not the same, at least not for me. For me, it's been enough to allow me to function, but just barely, and as I get older, it's getting harder and harder to deal with living as a man. I still have lots of issues that make transitioning very difficult, at best.

Carol

I'm retired and enfemme during the eight hours my SO is at work. She is not accepting, so I try and wind it down in the afternoon. Each planned time gets PROCASTINATED because I don't wanna revert back to male mode. Never, LOL.

I'm in girl's jean shorts a lot, so I'm going to work on androgeneous crossdressing. Then stay in the unisex clothes when she gets home. I will remove the wig and make-up though, so she won't see the complete Teresa.

The bottom line Carol is that we have to work to be free to be ourselves. When we experience genuine happiness, we know we've accomplished that. In a way I'm like you but my ultimate accomplishment will be when I can totally and freely be Kate regardless of plumbing and with no restrictions caused by others.:)

I do not go out dressed; however, I under dress quite often.
Yesterday, I was under dressed with my bra and forms, fem jeans and
a generic top. I was catching up on yard work. Today I was planing to finish
the yard work dressed in similar attire; then the phone rings and I have to
go to a friends house to check on a problem he is having in his bath room.
UGH, Have to take off the bra, and put on a man shirt. Darn phone, would
like to throw it into the lake, afraid it would pollute the lake.
Rader

If it ever becomes the type of bummer where you cry yourself into a puddle of tears in a motel 6 at 530am after staying up all night dressed and driving around in your car before going to work in the morning as a guy, you just may be a transsexual..

----bows to jeff foxworthy---

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

If it ever becomes the type of bummer where you cry yourself into a puddle of tears in a motel 6 at 530am after staying up all night dressed and driving around in your car before going to work in the morning as a guy, you just may be a transsexual..

----bows to jeff foxworthy---

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Back when I still knew I was transsexual, but was still switching between girl and guy mode, I would get super depressed anytime I had to put on my guy cloths to go out to do something. It would ruin my day.

I know that it's a different kind of bummer for cross dressers when they have to go back to guy mode... but if it really eats you up inside, it's something to think about...

But that kind of also goes hand-in-hand with not being happy with being a guy and all that good stuff too.

I agree completely! I even call it a bummer when I have to slip on an old shirt over my blouse to work on a car! Bummer! Hugs!

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Originally Posted by katie_barns

Last night at home I went through a mild depression. I have discovered over the years when I spend a lot of time in girl mode, that going back to boy mode always puts me in a down mood. I use to think it was just coming down off the Pink Fog high. But I am sure there is more to it. I just hate going back to being male after such a nice day as a girl.
I assume I am not alone in this. Have any of you experienced this?

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Oh, yes. This has become somewhat common for me. Spending a big chunk of time dressed then once it's all over, Bummerville. Sometimes it's just a bluish mood afterwards and sometimes it's a much stronger dissonance. To combat this, I have started doing little things that always help me feel more feminine and it helps some, but those feelings do persist. For me, I think I feel like it's a frustration resulting from feeling sooo much like myself, happy, confident, at peace as a woman, then I have to strip it all down and put on a mask and costume to conduct my daily life, and that's when I feel crossdressed. Perhaps that causes me some feelings of resentment towards my male side. I dunno. Still trying to fully understand it, myself. Never the less, I can totally relate.

katie,
Thank for for your thread, it is a vital and necessary one IMO. My individual solution to the back to boy mode depression syndrome, has been to live as a woman as close to 24/7 as I can. I have not, nor do I plan to ever transition, but I live as a woman, for this choice my daughter will not have anything to do with me and will not allow me to see my granddaugher who is now 7 years of age. Katie, best wishes, your story is most compelling.

I have to agree, when the time comes to change back to guy cloths, it can quite the bummer.

Yes, Katie, I know the feeling well. It's a sad time of day for me when bedtime is approaching and the make-up and everything else has to come off. I have the consolation of knowing that I have some nice things to sleep in.

But I hate those times when I have things to do that must be done in drab. It's almost humiliating to have to put on my drab stuff.

Best wishes, Annabelle

It varies with me. Quite often I have to go back to drab before I'm ready and I do get down. Sometimes though I'm ready to go drab. But then I don't have a desire to go full time or even most of the time.

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Originally Posted by katie_barns

She has made it clear she doesn't want to see me as Kaite.

Last night at home I went through a mild depression. I have discovered over the years when I spend a lot of time in girl mode, that going back to boy mode always puts me in a down mood. I use to think it was just coming down off the Pink Fog high. But I am sure there is more to it. I just hate going back to being male after such a nice day as a girl.
I assume I am not alone in this. Have any of you experienced this?

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I can share my SO's experiences.

About 3-5 years ago when she was learning and growing her femme expression in public, she initially went out to places that were rather far away from home. It took a lot of organization to accomplish these outings, so at the time she didn't feel completely free to express herself on a whim during the week whenever she wanted to. I remember her telling me she did feel sad to get back to guy mode then.

But now that she has organized her life to go out more easily (she has found a number of places fairly close to home but still safe from coworkers, also she doesn't feel compelled to go the whole nine yards such as painting her finger nails each time) it doesn't take her much time to get ready once she has decided to go out dressed. So it's not a big deal for her to switch back, since she knows she can do the same thing tomorrow if she wants to. In fact, just last weekend she decided to get away for 3 days to spend uninterrupted time as herself dressed. She left Friday morning, she was due to come back Monday sometime, but on Sunday afternoon she felt like getting back to guy mode to have dinner, which he did. And on Monday at the last minute I had to go to the city as well on an unrelated errand, so it happened that he just stuck around and we met for lunch and a bit of shopping, again in guy mode, even though we go out dressed together all the time.

So I think the secret is to organize your life so that you can feel unfettered with the ability to switch back and forth at will. If you can accomplish this, you will not feel as if you're missing out on something. :)

And to add to what Kate Simmons said about integration, my SO told me that this weekend when it was time to go to bed on Friday & Saturday (before she switched to guy mode on Sunday) she didn't feel the need to put on a nightie to still feel her feminine self (this is usually the way she had retained the feelings at night, since she does remove makeup, forms, etc before she goes to bed). She just knew who she was without the external props, if this makes sense.

Given a choice I would be wearing "feminine" wardrobe all the time:daydreaming:
I lived alone last Summer for five months. I was usually in a skirt and more six out of seven days, wore night gowns and such.:D Then I moved into DrabLand last October...so feeling all kinds of blue:sad: because I haven't been wearing any pink!
:Peace:
Khelli

It seems we all know this feeling. Just look in the mirror, there will be a man staring back, that is who I am, that man. This helps me accept going back to guy mode.

There are levels to this feeling.

What I will say is that this sharing with each other is a great thing. This helps me come back to guy mode, and with out that feeling that there is something wrong with me or I am a pervert because I am transgender. In reality I am beautiful and kind and am so happy to be a part of this discussion.

♥♥♥
Noemi

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Originally Posted by Noemi

It seems we all know this feeling. Just look in the mirror, there will be a man staring back, that is who I am, that man. This helps me accept going back to guy mode.

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I am so glad this doesn't happen to me anymore.... yuck those days sucked!

Sorry I'm posting so much... I'm stuck in bed recovering from surgery... nothing else to do!

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Originally Posted by katie_barns

Last night at home I went through a mild depression. I have discovered over the years when I spend a lot of time in girl mode, that going back to boy mode always puts me in a down mood. I use to think it was just coming down off the Pink Fog high. But I am sure there is more to it. I just hate going back to being male after such a nice day as a girl.
I assume I am not alone in this. Have any of you experienced this?

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That's why I don't return to boy mode anymore.

I just returned from Walmart with my wife. I was dressed in drab, while there we were looking at sale clothes and my feelings went from o.k. to depressed. I just get so depressed when I look at all of the pretty things and I'm not supposed to have them. It is like being taken to a ice cream store and watch everyone else eating it and I can't have any. I just get tired of "boy" mode and "drabville."

Sometimes I get back from an evening out and I really do want to get to bed. Instead I will hang out in Sally's room and kill time so I can stay dressed a little longer. It occasionally comes to tears, but not often. The up feeling I used to get from an outing used to last for a week or more. Now I'm lucky if it lasts a day or two........

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Originally Posted by Bree_K

I am so glad this doesn't happen to me anymore.... yuck those days sucked!

Sorry I'm posting so much... I'm stuck in bed recovering from surgery... nothing else to do!

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Wishing you a speedy recovery.

They do not suck for me. I like my life, and the work I do. My mind is strong enough to see through the gender situation. Dressing up is a positive experience and feels very nice. I will never be a real girl in this life time and I know that.

I know how you feel. I absolutely love becoming a girl so much that I hate the fact that I eventually have to stop

Underdressing helps me also,always go out in a pretty pair of panties and it keeps me going throughout the day xoxo

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

I think It has probably happened to most of us. It's usually because we separate the feelings between the two modes. The only way to end that is to amalgamate the feelings under one authority, then you are essentially yourself most of the time.:)

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Well in order to protect myself I have to change, I'm her with no dought but he is the sword that protects the shield if thats understandable. My family and the people in this town would never accept me as her and so the shroud must remain, essentially the same as those russian dolls the outside is bigger and hides the inside, they all look different but if they were to move it would be the inside moving the outside with the outside simply being a shell with which to hide in. Till the day I leave then the shell may be shed and light aloud in heh

Now to the question at hand yeah I personally hate going back but every night at 11 I must so my family stays out of my buisness but I keep reminders underdressing and my toe nails are always painted I wear socks. But I don't see the man in the mirror when I dress, I see the woman in the mirror when I'm not and where I'm going with that well we'll see in time