The battle rages on......

I had thought that I had finally accepted this part of me. However, there is still a war going on. I have found that my desire to dress and express my feminine side comes and goes like the tide. I will find myself shopping for lingerie one time and the next time I'm repulsed by what I have done.

When I feel the feminine side come out I want to look beautiful and prissy. When that goes away I feel depressed and confused about what just happend. I know that I am intrigued and turned on by women's clothes and feeling feminine. But there is still this part of me that sees this as being a freak. I feel ashamed because I believe that God sees all and that God would never allow me into heaven because of this.

I am working very hard to find a GF. I really want one, but I am scared to death to let her into this side of me. That everyone is going to make me the butt of their jokes if I were ever outted. I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what others think, but I can't. I have always cared about what people think of me. I have been known to actually loose sleep because someone was mad at me.

when my femm side comes out I have been very brazen lately. I have gone to my local mall and bought lingerie from VS. Went to Target and bought a TON of makeup. I could have easily been seen. I want to slow this thing down and put it away, but I don't know if I can.

I should also mention that I am a single father. I have sole custody of my boys (6 and 8). Their Mom is not involved in their lives. They need their Dad and I can't afford to break down. They mean the world to me.

Does this ever get any easier?
Am I going crazy? I feel like it. Should I buy a staight jacket and admit myself to the psych unit? :eek::drink::drink:

~Amy Lynn

Rob;
Try not to be so hard on your self; And do not buy a straight jacket, they are hard to put on and get out of.
As for your desire to dress, it is normal to want to wear alternate clothing. Yes Society has put a burden on men
as to what they want you to be seen in. But that does not stop you from under dressing in a discreet manor.
Buying things in a store is no problem, no one cares what you are buying, just pay for it. All they want is
your money; And unless your neighbor was standing next to you in line, who would know what you had in the bag.
Your primary function is caring for your boys. They are Number one.
Try and take them to museums, and other learning events. My dad did that when I was young, and was a memorable
events for me.
Does it get easer, Why would you want it to get easer, LOL Yes I under stand, some times it is hard to raise the family
by ones self. But it can be done.
Yes their will be a Girl someday in your life, My Grandmother said, there is a match for everyone out their somewhere.
I met my wife on a blind date, Best girl in the world, and yes, she is OK with my dressing.
Good Luck.
Rader

Thanks Rader! I just feel very stressed out. I'm sorry if I sound whiney. I know I am, but I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about this. I have reached out to a couple of friends. The one is a GG and she really doesn't understand. She thinks its all like that RuPaul Drag race show. I have no desire to be a drag queen (however the ladies on that show do look beautiful!). The other is a girl who went through the whole transition and SRS. I have known her since she was in kindergarten with me. If anyone can understand, I'm certain that she can. But I'm finding it hard to actually talk about. I know that most everyone on here should be able to relate at least. I do appreciate that!

I have made an appointment with a counselor, but that appointment is a ways off yet. I appreciate everyone who listens to me whine on here. I think I really just needed to get it out. Even if it was only on here.

Rod:
Thats why we are here, to try and help a friend in need.
I understand where you are coming from, My first wife was hell on me and in divorce.
So the ball does not always roil down the road easy, some times you just have to pick it up
and carry it.
Some times people like your friends just do not see what you are going through, remember,
It is you walking the line, others have their own to walk.
Hang in their Rob, better days are coming.
Rader

Amy,
I think you are a pretty normal CD. The stresses of being a single parent. The day to day running a house hold. Excelling at your job. Would be a lot for anyone. You are a very strong individual.

You need an outlet for your stress. I can recommend a lot of ways to reduce stress:
Exercise, talkings to others, dressing, playing outdoors with the kids, ect...... First, I really think you need to know in your heart, dressing is who you are. Most CD's have internal struggles with self acceptance for longer than we ever want to admit. I suspect you are still adjusting to your feminine side. I really did not totally come to grips till my late 40's. Your mileage may very.

I would buy things and feel terrible later. I questioned myself, who I was, why I was this way. Quilt, Fear, and Shame ran my life. I finally had a long internal struggle with myself and came to the conclusion, I was OK. I am not hurting anyone, I enjoyed my fem side, and was a more comfortable person to be around. My wife, has noticed the difference, when I do not let my feminine side surface often enough.

I am sure you will meet the right women. Some where you are least likely to expect it. Give it some time, good thinks happen to good people.

This sight is helpful to understanding who you are. A support group would be a great help, if one is available to you. Some people need a therapist, but not all, just a suggestion. This journey of CD self exploration is a hard road. I hope your journey only has soft gently rolling hills.

And as for God, if God is a loving being, then I don't think he/she cares how we dress. It's how we treat one another that counts. For me, I feel that the soul is genderless anyway, we just fit into the shell we're born into. Besides, if you are a Christian, think back to the early Christians, many of the first converts were women and which half of our species seems to better follow the precepts of Christianity? Maybe finding and acknowledging your femine side can lead you to a broader spirituality. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's all a journey and there are usually a few bumps in the road and you have friends here to listen.

You just got to love God. He must have been having a chuckle when he made crossdressers. I will make men and women..mmm....bit boring. Let's spice it up a little I will have some men and give them a compulsion to dress like women but who are in fact attracted to them as well, that should be fun. Oh wait, maybe I should have a few that like to dress and like men as well. Yes, that will get people all confused. Just had a thought maybe I could go the whole hog and make life a bit more difficult for some and put some people in bodies that just do not match their brains, yes, i could have fun with that as well.

Amy, im so sad for the way you feel now. could it be that you are trying to find "logic" about crossdressing, (your employment)? time will mellow your thoughts. i think it works for all of us. not to start the religion thing but remember GOD make you and makes zero mistakes! please take ultimate care of yourself and your kids. Luv Roberta

It will only get easier if you learn to accept all of who you are.

Remember, there is no winner if you fight yourself.

And God made us in His image, man and woman.

Donna you are SOO RIGHT Roberta

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DonnaT

It will only get easier if you learn to accept all of who you are.

Remember, there is no winner if you fight yourself.

And God made us in His image, man and woman.

---

I think we have all been through something like this. I my self as a Christian strugle with this a lot. But its important that we remember god created man in his own image he created them both male and female.... but the gender he assigned was not mental only physical. Look at Paul's life and you will see a physical man who was plagued by "a throne in the fleas" meaning there was something in his life that he could speak to no one about even after he sat at the table with Jesus. We don't know what this thigh was but god released him from his burden when he told Paul "My grace is sufficient". By Paul lifting it up to god it was forgiven as well as embraced. God could never stop loving you.

I have quite many bad things and at on point in time tries very hard to stop Cding. I prayed and fasted I was even anointed with oil and after all that god told me that "you can't help but be who you are and who you are is exactly who I want you to be." Remember jeseus
said obstacle the first two commandments and you will always be right with god.

Sorry not trying to preach this is just something in I've spent years praying on.

Amy, You have been put in a position of great trust. Raisinig kids alone is a challenge in and of itself.

I have been reading all the advice above, and agree with what's being said. Trust yourself and trust God.

Just maybe, dressing is a way to bring a bit of the "feminine" into you life, to give you balance, as you raise those boys.
No, they don't need to know, and time may be scarce for this "need" , but enjoy it when time allows.
Even a hour here and there can make a difference.

Rob, worry not, unless you are Jewish or Muslim. Their holy book Say's it's a sin punishable by death. But if you are a Christan, and follow the teaching of Christ, he never said a bad word about crossdressing or gays, Those are the words of St. Paul as I recall, and he was a known homophob. You are OK. As I heard a gay man say the other day, we are alright, God doesn't make mistakes, besides there are to many of us to have been a mistake, must be part of the design if you stop and think about it.
Besides, ther are even Rabi's that don't buy the sin part of cross dressing or being gay. Most of what you have heard in the church about all of this being a sin, was put there by man, not your god.

Tina B.

Amy, I am going to go way out on a limb here with a running chain saw in my hand. You are working and raising two kids by yourself. You had the stress of your wife leaving at some point in time. You appear to be a very sensitive person. Now add to that cross dressing, an activity that you perceive that most of society condemns. The CDing may be your stress reliever while you are engaged in it but afterwards you spiral into the guilt cycle again. You do not appear to have any support locally for all this. (Of course all here will support you either on the forum or by PMs.) A properly selected counselor may help you by at least giving you a nonjudgmental person with whom you can talk. PM me and I will suggest an approach to the counsellor. In the meantime, seek other forms of stress relief. Also, remember this...it is OK if you want to dress. We all do. And the final judge of all this does not live on this planet. Best wishes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rob1329

Does this ever get any easier?
Am I going crazy? I feel like it. Should I buy a staight jacket and admit myself to the psych unit? :eek::drink::drink:

~Amy Lynn

---

My dear Amy I strugggle with the same thing at this point of this journey. What I do is set boundries for myself based on faith. At this stage I see this as a gift, some may call it a mystery. Admiring the beauty of a woman can get toxic at times. When is Thera is present her scent is overwhelming at times and I join her and enjoy the euphoria thats connected to this expierence. Yes, there are times when I want to go overboard and those boundries keep me in line.
It's funny how last night I was sitting in the gararge having a few beers and listening to my music collection from the days of my youth and reflecting on this whole mind,body,soul expierence, then this song came on that that hit the nail on the head.Sometimes when she gets the best of you or wants you to take further than you want dont believe her and shut her down.
Heres the song for your enjoyment.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4pJOUL4egc

Rob, I've found it difficult to deal with the guilt, too! And, u can see quite clearly how deeply I've fallen into dressing by my pics! Altho I don't have periods where I feel as bad as u do anymore, I still question why I have the need to do this and often feel that it's so much silly nonsense! I don't have any advice. But, I can tell u things that have helped me:

When I go with the flow and dress when I feel the need to, the need comes less often and is NOT so overwhelming!

I do NOT see the need to tell my children as I presently have no intention of "coming out".

I have my own special arrangement with God. I don't criticize him/her directly for all the crap that he/she allows to happen in the world or ask for any special favors. And, he/she is not supposed to criticize me unless I do something that REALLY OFFENDS him/her! So far, I haven't heard a critical word about my dressing!

I can relate about not having a girlfriend. I am 58, have not had one for many years. It seems the bar keeps getting raised, and for some of us poorer CD's or non CD's, it gets tougher. I also have had a never ending struggle with guilt and shame, feeling like a deviant. Less, than at first, but still some, and my church condemns it.

Thank you everyone! You ladies are all awesome! I think a lot of my issues at present are that I feel very overwhelmed, being a single parent, living on a tight budget, and now the emergence of Amy demanding some play time.

The religion aspect I fear will continue to be a struggle for me. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon for those that don't know). They are one of the most anti LBGT churches around. They think of LBGT as a disease that can be cured and should be stopped. I was born and raised in the church and am still an active member. I believe in most of the teachings of the church, but save a couple. I do not and can not believe in their stance on LGBT, and this really is hard for me. I know that God will still love me as long as I keep the comandments and live to be more like him. It is something that I just have to work out and figure out how I'm going to make it work. I know I can. The church really doesn't need to know about what I do behind closed doors.

I love all of the advice and support that I get from this group! LOVE IT! And Thera "Don't Believe her!" Great song! I love the Scorpions. That put a smile on my face.

Thank you for listening to me.

Love and Hugs
Amy Lynn

Amy, what you describe seems to be the course we all take. I have a very good situation with an accepting spouse, no religious hangups, opportunities to dress and shop, outings with friends, etc. but sometimes I still find myself thinking "what am I doing?" All I can say is that it gets easier with time, but the doubts don't seem to go away entirely.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rob1329

I had thought that I had finally accepted this part of me. However, there is still a war going on. I have found that my desire to dress and express my feminine side comes and goes like the tide. I will find myself shopping for lingerie one time and the next time I'm repulsed by what I have done.

When I feel the feminine side come out I want to look beautiful and prissy. When that goes away I feel depressed and confused about what just happend. I know that I am intrigued and turned on by women's clothes and feeling feminine. But there is still this part of me that sees this as being a freak. I feel ashamed because I believe that God sees all and that God would never allow me into heaven because of this.

I am working very hard to find a GF. I really want one, but I am scared to death to let her into this side of me. That everyone is going to make me the butt of their jokes if I were ever outted. I wish I could honestly say that I don't care what others think, but I can't. I have always cared about what people think of me. I have been known to actually loose sleep because someone was mad at me.

when my femm side comes out I have been very brazen lately. I have gone to my local mall and bought lingerie from VS. Went to Target and bought a TON of makeup. I could have easily been seen. I want to slow this thing down and put it away, but I don't know if I can.

I should also mention that I am a single father. I have sole custody of my boys (6 and 8). Their Mom is not involved in their lives. They need their Dad and I can't afford to break down. They mean the world to me.

Does this ever get any easier?
Am I going crazy? I feel like it. Should I buy a staight jacket and admit myself to the psych unit? :eek::drink::drink:

~Amy Lynn

---

Poor dear... I'm sorry for your troubles. Maybe I can offer a little encouragement.

First off, you need to know that God loves you no matter what you do and that the clothes you wear are just that. Take a look at Galatians 3:28. "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Jesus Christ." And any Christian church that does not accept this is false. This is scripture. By the way, who are they to judge you? I think Jesus also gave a pretty unambiguous object lesson with Mary Magdalene. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone. We don't have the right to condemn others for their sins, because we are not righteous creatures. Judgement is God's prerogative, not ours. God only wants you to accept the gift of forgiveness granted by His son's sacrifice and that's your ticket into heaven. John 3:16, I think, points you in the right direction. "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." But I think that Ephesians 2:8 really brings it home. "It is by grace you are saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, but is the gift of God." Note the wording: "God so loved the world," and not "the world, except crossdressers and gays." You can't good-deed your way into heaven, and by extension, you can't "oops" your way out of heaven. The only entrance fee for heaven is to accept the forgiveness offered by the sacrifice of Jesus. It took me a long time to figure all that out, and I am sorry your church has made you feel like this is a matter of salvation.

Second, you can't suppress something that is a part of you. You'll find that it may go away for a little while, but when it comes back, it will come back stronger. Be who you are.

Ahh, the g/f thing. That's a tough one. I'm currently experiencing similar problems. Here's reality: people suck. Really, they do. There's always going to be one jerk or another who doesn't like you. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it because their problem is not with you, it's with themselves. They're angry because they're not happy with who they are or how their life has turned out, and so they'll take it out on you because you seem like the kind of person who goes out of their way to please. You have to let those people go.

I'm not going to pretend that I have anything for the whole fatherhood thing. That's always been a question in my mind too. I have no idea how to handle that.

If you're looking to avoid a breakdown, though, I recommend finding an activity that you enjoy doing and do it as often as possible. For me, it's martial arts. It's tiring, expensive, and it hurts a lot (as in, I've yet to come back from a class without a blister or bruise that is measured in square inches) but for me it's better to hurt on the outside than the inside. That's just me, though.

Rob, I can relate, to being in a church, that I agree with on everything, but it does not accept LGBT lifestyles, or any crossdressing. It is a very hard place to be, having to keep it secret, from all. My heart goes out to you.

Self acceptance can be a *******. You are describing where I was three years ago. As things progressed I had to accept myself for who I am, and that is a woman in a mans body. Or else I would loose my mind. So with the help of a gender therapist I am beginning to live my life again rather than just going through the motions of living. This does include going 24 7 in the near future.
I have not had a steady relationship with a woman for many years now. So I do understand how you feel. But perhapse now is not a good time for you mentally to enter into a relationship. Just a thought.
We do what we need to do to survive.

I recently read something about a LOT of Mormons participated in SLC's Pride Celebration. And, should it actually turn out to be a sin, Jesus said to hate the sin, but love the sinner. A GF? If you're looking for a wife, take it easy and find a soulmate! I felt pressured by family to find a wife. I picked a sex partner. I'm still married to her, but it's rarely a picnic. AA uses a phrase; One Day AT A Time. It works for everyday life. Yesterday is gone, there's no promise tomorrow will come. Take care of today. Lighten up and enjoy. Please?

It can be a lonely road Alice. But know that God is right there with us. I don't think of this as a sin. It can't be anymore of a sin than liking vanlilla ice cream. It is something that we just like. Its not something we chose to like. It just is. If god doesn't make any mistakes then how could this be one. I think I have found my peace with religion to some degree. I just have to go on keeping it a secret from my church. I'm ok with that.

I have had some time to think and ponder all of this over. I still am far from having the answers that I am seeking. As most of you have stated this sometimes comes and goes. I don't always feel like dressing up and being a woman. It has subsided some for me now. However, I know it will be back and if I don't induldge some in the meantime it will come back with a vengance. I was, and still am, feeling a lot overwhlemed. I have a lot on my plate (I'm sure alot of you do to). I was freaking out a bit. I absolutely need to take this one day at a time! Great advice. I don't know when I'll really ever fully accept it. Maybe I never will. But regardless it is a part of me. I think a big part of this was how fast and strong all of this took hold on me. It is not as strong now. I believe it may be because I fed the monster a bit. I just need to pace it out and take it at an easy pace instead of full steam ahead.

As for the dating part. I am dating a woman that I am starting to really like. I plan on letting her in on all of this in due time. I think before that happens though, I need to show her that I am a man. That I am attracted to her, and not to men. Before I reveal this. I only hope that she accepts this part of me. But I know if she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. I won't like having to end things, but its better than being married and keeping it a secret or having it crush another marriage.

Thank you all for your support and advice! you are all a wonderful group of caring ladies!

Join the club sister. This happens to me all the time and has for over 50 years. Love it one month then go thru months of detesting and disgust where I am embarrased and ashamed... then it all come sback and I want to lokk beautiful again and go out in public like I do all the time. ( I pass very well) Its cycular with me by months or seasons and you'll find many here do the same. but DO NOT PURGE ,you'll kick yourself later over the investment of money you just threw away.
Megan

Hi, Amy! I'll try to address some of your issues in a more or less coherent fashion.

(1) Like you, I grew up in a conservative church. I lost the faith when I was about 15, left the church when I left home and have never been back. So I'm not going to try and mislead you by trying to make you think I'm a religious person. I'm the very opposite of that. But I would say to you, that if your church condemns and despises you for what you are, perhaps you should consider finding another church that will accept you. I know about emotional attachment to a church. And I know how hard it is to leave a church if you're convinced they have the truth. But being a member of a church like that can't be good for your psychological health. If you were in a relationship where you were constantly being made to feel like dirt, probably a lot of people would say it might be better for you to get out of it. So this may be something for you to consider long-term. No need to make a snap decision. You have said that you believe that God will love you as long as you keep his commandments and try to be like him. Is the Mormon church the only place you can do that?

(2) Probably the main reason I've stayed away from religion is that there are contradictions there that I simply cannot resolve. E.g., I was taught that God was omnipotent. God can do anything. Therefore, if God hadn't wanted me to be TG, he could have prevented it. He didn't prevent it. Therefore he's cool with it. And yet a religion says (as mine said) that he condemns me and sees me as an abomination? Then I conclude that (1) God isn't omnipotent; (2) the religion is wrong; or (3) that God is one evil demon that there's simply no dealing with. I decided to stop wrestling with the problem altogether. But if you want to stay with your faith, then you have to resolve this. I would say this: if God is anything like what churches that believe in Jesus say he is, he loves you as you are. If he didn't want you to be as you are, he could have made you different. He made you as you are because he's cool with it. God is way above us, Amy, and sometimes people (even a man like Joseph Smith) get it wrong. If you have faith in God, have faith in God and not a man (even a man like Joseph Smith).

(3) Why do we have to feel guilty, ashamed, etc., about being TG? That's the big one, the one we all face, the one I tore myself up over for a half a century. You have to find your own road to self-acceptance. This is where I am today: Why should I be ashamed about not being a man? I'm not a man, not a woman. I'm TG. And what's wrong with being TG? Why does every last blessed soul on this planet have to be male or female? There is another option, and that was the one I was given. Given--I didn't choose it. But since it's mine, why not go with it? It certainly doesn't make me happy to go against it. I tried for a long time and it didn't work. Will people say I'm supposed to be a man? I'm not supposed to be a man because I'm not in fact a man. I'm TG, and that's what I'm supposed to be. So be the best TG that you can be. And if someone says, "Look! Everybody's either a man or a woman," I say, "Yes, well, I went to some very good schools when I was young. They taught me to count past two."

(4) We sound a lot alike, Amy. I'm very sensitive, too, and losing sleep because I think somebody is mad at me is the sort of thing I'd do. One thing I heard a long time ago that has always helped me: Other people don't think about you as much as you do. E.g., suppose you say something to somebody and they get a bit teed off. Being the sensitive type, you worry about it the rest of the day and on into the night. But the other person may well have forgotten about it. That little incident was only one thing out of probably hundreds that they experienced during the day, and perhaps a very minor one. So they move on. They leave it with you and you agonize over it.

If you're really worried about, just apologize. Are you like me? Do you find it hard to apologize? The more practice you get, the easier it becomes. And you know who's good to practice on? Your sons. Because as a single parent you will screw up from time to time. (Been there, done that. As a single parent I screwed up lots of times.) And when you do it might well hurt your kids because they're as human as anybody else. There's no law against apologizing to your kids, even if they are only 6 or 8. So just say, "Sorry, guys, I messed up on that one. I'll try to do better next time." And you know what? Your kids will love you for that. They're always willing to forgive their dear, old dad. Because by apologizing to them, you're treating them like fully-fledged human beings, and that makes them feel very good about themselves and very warm towards you. So learn to apologize to your kids (because we single parents know good and well we do owe them an apology from time to time), and once you find it easy to apologize to them, you'll find it easier to apologize to others. And you won't lose so much sleep.

(5) Finally, if one of your posts sounds like whining from time to time, don't worry about it. I've been to the whimpering stage. Whining sounds almost heroic by comparison.

Best of luck, Amy. Hang in there. Annabelle

You'll find many people become disenfranchised with their church and/or religion for various reasons. However, they don't loose their faith in the Almighty. And that is all that matters, if you are a believer.

The only real way to make your feelings work in concert is to accept ALL of them and amalgamate them. Once that is accomplished you control the reins and can make it a total choice rather than have it remain an overriding compulsion. That is the ONLY way I have found to beat this and make it work for me.:)

R-E-L-A-X! Wow! I thought I was having a nervous breakdown just reading your post! I think I can speak for many of us when I say that what you are going through is NOT unique. Many of us go through the "pink fog" only to be hammered with the overwhelming guilt. Three things to remember.....

1) Crossdressing hurts no-one, including your kids.
2) You've been a crossdresser all your life, why fall apart over it now? You are the same person you were 20 years ago.
3) Crossdressing does NOT make you either a bad person OR insane. So relax, much of the trouble you feel is probably from being a single parent which is tough enough. Most of us parents with little ones are edgy anyhow.

Your crossdressing is unlikely to go away, so make peace with it and you will be much happier with your life!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rob1329

I buy a staight jacket and admit myself to the psych unit?

---

It's not necessary to buy one if you check yourself in. They'll provide you with one.:heehee: