We have nothing to fear but fear itself
Hi, All!
Do we TG people have anything to fear from the cold, cruel cisgender world? Some of our members say that we don’t. They are fond of quoting FDR: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” I have to say I’m tired of hearing this now when it’s applied to us TG people. Mainly because it’s simply not true.
I contend that it is perfectly reasonable for a TG person to be fearful at times. What are some of the things we might fear?
[1] Wives. Coming out to the wife is fraught with peril. Some GG’s are accepting. Many are not. Most women in this world would prefer not to be married to a CDing man. It’s a simple fact, and I for one have no trouble understanding their feelings. Not long ago one of our members started a thread saying how he’d come out to his wife, and it was a total disaster. It’s going to cost him a lot, almost everything he has. Those of you who say we have nothing to fear, how do you react to this member’s dilemma?
[2] Children, neighbours, friends, colleagues. You never know how someone is going to react when you come out to them, and losing the respect and affection of someone you respect/like/love is a real possibility. There’s ample testimony on this forum of accepting people and disapproving people.
[3] Bosses. There are members on this forum who testify that they get out frequently and never have any trouble—but then they go on to say that when they’re out, it’s in some other town besides the one they live in so that there’s no risk of running into a boss, e.g. Some people have a reasonable fear of losing a job.
[4] Schoolmates. I recently saw a survey done among American LGBT high school students. 90% of them reported having been harassed in the last year.
[5] Transphobes. I had the great pleasure yesterday of coming across one—a transphobic lesbian who calls herself “Dirtywhiteboi67”, or just “Dirt” for short, which is highly appropriate. She has blogs on YouTube and has her own website, and when you have a look at them, you’re simply stunned and sickened. It’s hard to fathom that a human being could sink so low. She reserves her special ire for young, transitioning/transitioned FTM’s, whom she has a habit of publicly outing on her website. I encountered one of her victims on another forum yesterday. Will we say he has nothing to fear?
[6] Violent people. In more extreme cases, there’s actual physical harassment that can take the form of severe beatings, even murder. Or if you successfully defend yourself, you might end up in prison.
So those who claim that we have nothing to fear are simply wrong. Now, if they want to say that we don’t have as much to fear as we might think we do, I think I can go along with that. When I first began considering whether I might get out some day, the idea scared me silly. But there’s enough testimony on this forum to convince me that, depending on circumstances, I don’t have as much to fear as I once thought. I do listen to the testimony I get on this forum.
Not terribly long ago I met a T-woman in Dublin who is currently transitioning and I asked her if she got much harassment. She gave me a very reasonable reply. In her estimation, she got some form of harassment on average once every two months or so. Most of it was very minor. Only once did she fear violence, and fortunately it didn’t come to that. And when I was with her I saw for myself how it’s possible to walk through the city streets on a busy Saturday afternoon without any harassment whatsoever.
This is the sort of answer I find very reasonable and helpful: an honest assessment of the situation without denying the problems but at the same time keeping them in perspective. And this is the sort of assessment I listen to when trying to take stock of my own situation. As far as I’m concerned, those who contend that we have nothing to fear, however well-intentioned they may be, are simply undermining their own credibility because they’re not telling the truth.
As a lot of people know, I’m currently considering coming out in the little town I live in. A few days ago I came across a website giving advice to TG people who want to come out. One thing it suggested doing was for you to actually write your fears down on paper. I thought this was a good idea, so that’s what I did. And I deliberately let my imagination run wild. Worst case scenario, what could I imagine might possibly happen to me, no matter how small I thought the chances might be of it actually happening?
Having done that, looking back over my list, I saw that in most cases the things I feared were either minor (such as nasty comments or looks or people avoiding me), or the chances of them happening were so remote as to be not worth worrying about. But a few of them were definitely worth taking into account.
One example: I don’t know about other countries, but in Ireland it’s a favourite pastime among young twerps to go around to the house of someone they don’t like and cause a bit of trouble. This will usually happen at night and most commonly takes the form of throwing things at the house—eggs, cartons of milk, sometimes stones. I think I can pretty well guarantee that this will happen in my case because in this small town it won’t take the lads long to find out where I live.
And this one is seriously hanging me up because my landlord also lives in the house, and would it be fair for me to bring my troubles onto him? In fact, he’s already had this sort of trouble himself—because he’s a farmer, and in a very tidy neighbourhood his house is very untidy: he doesn’t look after the front garden very well, he leaves farm implements and other things lying around, etc. In other words, his house stands out, and for that reason alone, he’s had some harassment.
Is it reasonable for a TG person to fear that sort of harassment? Yes. Because whatever stands out will be harassed, and one lone TG person in a small town will definitely stand out. I don’t have the right, I don’t think, to involve my landlord in my troubles, but if I move into a house on my own, will I be able to deal with, say, stuff being thrown at the house at 2 in the morning?
Can I guarantee that this will happen? No. Perhaps I don’t have as much to fear as I think I do. But this is a reasonable fear, and I think I’d be very foolish to ignore it.
And I am very tired now of two things: people saying we have nothing to fear, because it isn’t true. And in particular, people who pour their contempt on members who do have some fear. Remember this: those who have some fear aren’t in the wrong. The people who are in the wrong are the cisgender people who harass TG people, and if you’re going to claim that there aren’t any of them, you’re simply denying reality. Yes, sometimes, maybe even often, our fears are exaggerated, but cisgender people do give us reasonable grounds to be afraid, and when you express your contempt for people who are afraid, you’re blaming the victim.
So what am I advocating? Fear and trembling and the sickness unto death? No, for myself, I prefer sweet reason. Like this: a couple of weeks ago I came out to my son. Now I had some fears, but I’d also learned some things on this forum. Although some children might reject a CDing parent, not all of them by any means do so. Knowing that and assessing the relationship I had with my son, I thought it likely that he’d be OK with my TGism. And that proved to be the case. Since that day, things have gone on as they always have. I haven’t lost his respect and love.
On the other hand, he hasn’t said a word about TGism and hasn’t asked me anything about it. Again, because of things I’ve learned on this forum, this doesn’t surprise me. There are people—wives, children, friends—who can accept TGism as long as it’s not right in their face. So maybe my son simply needs some time to chew on and digest what I’ve told him. It makes no sense for me to push him in any way. Let him take his time.
This is to say that by taking account of both the positive and negative testimony I’ve found on this forum, I’ve been able to make a good decision and to handle a difficult situation quite well (which is nothing short of miraculous for me). If anybody sees something wrong with this sort of procedure, you’re perfectly free to comment.
It makes no sense to pretend that the negatives don’t exist. Difficulties don’t go away simply because we wish they would. For me it’s daft not to look at the risks you face and try to size them up. E.g., if you’re going to get out in the world, it’s a certainty that from time to time you’re going to get a stare, maybe a laugh, maybe a taunt. By acknowledging that fact, you have a chance to prepare yourself for it. You do have to have a thick skin sometimes when you’re TG. If you tend to be a bit thin-skinned (as I am at times) then you have a chance to ready yourself for what you’re going to be faced with.
What am I asking for? Honesty, that’s all. If you’ve had good experiences, by all means tell us about them. In theory at least, we’re all on the same team here. We all want things to be better for TG people. I myself have taken heart from the positive testimony that I’ve often seen on this forum. But I also want to be as objective as possible about my own situation. That means attempting to assess the risks that I might run as honestly as possible.
I’d also like to say at this point that most of those people (there are a couple of exceptions) who claim we have nothing to fear are very nice people, and I have nothing whatsoever against them personally. They’re good, decent, honest people who wish us all the best, and I do in fact pay close attention to the testimony that they have to offer. But when they say we have nothing to fear, I simply think they’re mistaken. (And by the way, FDR was also mistaken.)
Best wishes, Annabelle
