Printable View
My Story: For quite some time i have been lurking... trying to find answers. We have been married for a while now with children. Our bedroom life was exciting, dressing up frequently. This started even before marriage.
Recently I came home from work and found my SO totally dressed and ready to go out. To say the least I was shocked- it had always stayed in the bedroom which we both agreed upon.
Aside from God family is my world. I feel totally betrayed. What would you do?
I would think it requires some open communication, cross dressing I think will eventually lead to wanting to leave the house (we have to test the water). But if it was agreed to keep it in the bedroom then it should have been discussed first (I think). It is wonder-full to have a SO who accepts, and I would do nothing to jeopardize that.
Perhaps there was some miscommunication. If the agreement was that it's okay for the bedroom, it should be discussed before leaving. As a crossdresser with a willing SO, the envelope will be pushed. Maybe a more frank discussion is required?
What ever Lola wants...OK, I borrowed that from a song. But seriously, it's true. You accepted his being a CD and it was even fun for you.Now he is pushing the envelope to a point that is not acceptable to you. I can understand why most wives would not want to go with their husband while he is en-fem. He has not right to assume you do. You need to speak up and set boundaries that you both can live with. Perhaps tell him if he wants to go out dressed, then go, but to leave you out of it. Maybe find a support group or a club where CD's are accepted. But he should not have been dressed and ready expecting you to go out with him without first talking about it. BTW, Welcome!! I hope this site can give you some answers and support that you seek.
You haven't said it, but I am assuming that you are a genetic female and your SO or husband is a male crossdresser.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Assuming that is the case, obviously, the two of you need to talk about this. Was he planning on going out in public by himself or with you? Are you willing to be seen in public with him dressed? Were the children home?
Again, sit down with him and talk. Find out what he wants (needs) to do. Find out why. Try to find a level of crossdressing that you are both comfortable and satisfied with.
He is still the man you love and the father of your children. Putting on a dress doesn't change that.
It's a little surprising to read that you are ok with him dressing, likely for years, and even in the bedroom but shocked at the idea of him going out. Is it fear of discovery that bothers you? The simple solution is to discuss the rules that you can both live with. You have the hard part done, you know about his crossdressing.
TALK!!
Obviously you were aware of the dressing, so talk and discuss this new turn. Express yourself and also be a listener. This is not the end of the world, just another step in the journey of life. Tell your SO of your concerns and your feelings.
MEN! You can't live with them! And you can't just shoot 'em! So the best thing to do is TALK as Cheryl said! Love is a two-way street! The best to you and yours! Hugs!
Certainly the two of you need to talk. And before you talk, try if you can to put yourself in your SOs shoes for a while. What might he have come to believe about the nature of your relationship? He may have, mistakenly, interpreted the exciting and frequent dressing in the bedroom as an indication of a broader acceptance.
Second, try to tone down the language..even in your own thinking. Being fully dressed in your absence and without your knowledge isn't a betrayal...not even an indiscretion. Its a misunderstanding...perhaps to some degree a mutual misunderstanding that you can work out together.
Like ready to go out without you or your knowledge? He's lying to you and may be cheating..... God can't help you but I'll be a good lawyer can...
A few items in the bedroom vs. seeing him fully dressed going out without me was an eye opener. I felt like the wife that didnt know her hubby had a money scheme going on LOL. I am trying to understand it all and figure out where that leaves me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
What others tell you what we would do doesn't mean it is right for you and your husband. Its good to listen and then formulate a way that makes sense for you both. Sounds like a lack of communication. Best thing is to talk and find out his feelings and go from there. But it definitely sounds like he assumed too much. Good luck
You need to talk to him to find out what his intentions and motivations are Hon. Then you can decide how to proceed.:)
Lola, understanding it all can and will be a lifetime task. It will take patience, love, trust, and communication. Lots and lots of communication!Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Instead of you figuring out where it leaves you, the both of you need to figure out where it leaves you. As the husband to a wonderful wife, I want so desperately to talk to her about it, but sometimes the signals I get ("This is too much!" "I can't talk about this right now" "I feel so lost and alone" "I'm so embarrassed") make it very, very hard. All I can say is to push through the embarrassment, talk to your spouse, and discuss boundaries. Yes, as the wife, you can discuss boundaries. Not as an "I'm in control" kind of thing, but as a "Let's work through this together" kind of thing.
Treat him with love and respect, and not scorn and disgust - and expect the same - and you will make it through just fine.
Kathi
Go out where, it does make a difference? There are places that are good, like a TG support group,and then there is the Bar scene, going without you, might be bad. I agree he should have talked to you first, but I'm not sure I would call it Betrayal.
Tina B.
I think KATHi said it perfectly you need to communicate.
There are many of us here with supportive wives, and the last thing that we would imagine doing is to jeapardize that support. That is, I think, why many of us are a bit non-plussed about the fact that there seemed to be a sudden change, and why a few mentioned that this change may not be as sudden as it appears.
Ok, it could be as simple as "someone didn't get the memo", or it is a complete misunderstanding of something that was said in the very recent past. That can be easily solved by talking it out and re-establishing the communication that you thought you had in the past.
Or, it could be a developing problem, and one that is not recent.
Regardless, it's time for a very frank conversation with all the cards on the table.
Welcome. Many here go through a phase where the clothing is a sexual thing (mostly because we started at an age when sex was what we thought about every 8 minutes every day). So incorporating this into the bedroom is something we hoped for (and most didn't get). You at least indulged that part. You will get many props for that. But rarely does it stay a sexual thing totally. Since you found him fully dressed we can assume that he has deeper feelings and needs in association with the clothes. You have come to the right place ( in my opinion ;)).Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Where does it leave you? Well as as been said in almost every post here, you need to discuss this with your hubby. You can go into that discussion with some information from this site. We know you have the common questions and one for you is since you have seen this as a sexual thing, does he still see it the same way? Was his intent on expanding the sexual part outside the home? Maybe not. Read through the threads here and you will see that many times the CD just wants to be out and in normal places. Of course you already have played the "are you gay?" and "do you want to be a woman" scene in your head and these questions need to be addressed.
It seems you are not totally appalled at this. That is good. Hopefully you didn't fall on the floor laughing either :) Since you are surprised but not shocked then you can work through this. Yes it is a pushing of the envelope. Will you allow it? Don't totally say no at this time. Putting severe restrictions can just make him angry and make him withdraw. You don't have to give him free rein either. This is a give and take situation. Your limits will vary. I see personally some issues with restraints. No one likes to be restricted severely. But agreed limits are good. I can promise you that if you shut down it may appear he is going along but it will explode at a later date. My wife had one major rule "Don't embarrass me" and that worked well because it made me think twice (or three times) before I wore something. She didn't like going out but she knew I would and she was OK with it as long as it wasn't overly done. My GF after that though did go out with me and I always felt I was an albatross around her neck. She didn't think so and enjoyed out outings. But again because of my feelings I set the limits. Again, I don't think you should open the gates and let the inmate run the asylum. But being a little flexible may be a better way to handle this. Would you be willing to allow more dressing in NON-sexual situations? Would you be willing to go to dinner in a safe place with him dressed? Just a drive? (most other drivers don't pay attention to what is in your car). Be warned that even if you do this he will eventually push for more, so you need to revisit the fence line sometimes.
I do get the feeling you are willing to work through this (you are here to start with). Now it is just negotiations. It leaves you with a new vision of your spouse (to answer your question). He is the same guy you met, fell in love with (maybe even for some hidden subliminal reason that is associated with his dressing). Little things change when we dress, usually for the good for you.
I agree Lola. You as his committed exclusive girl, the mother of his children, should be at the very center of his life and THE most important person in the world to him. It's obvious you must be a very special kind of woman who truly loves him, accepting both aspects of his personality, his male and female self. By what you've said it's obvious how you have been supportive and encouraging. You possess something very rare compared to the vast majority of women by how you genuinely enjoy the possibilities for an exciting bedroom life afforded a woman whose SO is M2F transgendered.
Since you discussed and agreed upon certain boundaries as this relates to his feminine self, he is very definitely crossing the line and breaching the fundamental and necessary trust two people must uphold for there to be a loving binding relationship. The least he could've done out of respect for You is discuss it with you first and if you approved, then ok go out, but together instead of him going out on his own. It automatically and unavoidably raises all kinds of questions and doubts as to his motives.
Going out by 'herself' creates worry and stress in you, who should be his 'One', his confidant, his only Love. Call me retro but IMO the mother of his children should always and forever without exception be respected, protected & provided for. Keeping you and his kids happy, shielding you from harm and unnecessary stress should be his number 1 priority in life regardless of his mixed gender. He sired your children so there's a real man in there somewhere. That he would break your agreement in such an arbitrary uncaring way is IMO very selfish, self indulgent behavior.
You have every right to complain. He has every reason to change, fall in line, or risk losing what he apparantly doesn't know or appreciate he has: the exceptional woman in you, and the precious innocent children you gave him. I hope this problem resolves itself for your sake. If it doesnt and he becomes even more arbitrary, you should consider finding someone else who will treat you in a loving trusting way. Excuse me if I'm going too far saying this but by the little insight I think I have about you, my geuss is That wouldn't be too hard to do. You're a rare find, a multifaceted diamond that shines, a one in a million kind of girl.
That's a bit harsh when not knowing all the facts...Quote:
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
You're leaving out major details. Did you even try to talk to him? What did he say? Where was he going? Was he dressed like a normal woman or like a hooker? Had you ever gone out in the past together?Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Obviously there's a lack of communication here, and it sure sounds like he's the one in the wrong, but what exactly made you feel betrayed by him leaving the house the way he was dressed? You think he was going to go to a club and try to hook up?
I'm quite amazed at the number of people in this thread who overlooked the fact that Lola and her husband had agreed that the dressing should stay in the bedroom. Why should she not feel betrayed when her husband just unilaterally rips up that agreement with no warning?Quote:
Originally Posted by Raquel June
I agree with Karren..something is really rotten in that Scandinavian county. Big time!! Time to have a serious chat..all cards on the table.
I'm not sure I understand what exactly he was doing when you came home---was he just dressed and hanging around the house, knowing you would be home at a certain time or was he dressed and on his way out the door? If the latter, was he dressed to go to the local clubs or to a shopping mall---was it the sight of him all made up as a female that bothered you or the fact that he was going out like that---I get the sense you don't mind him putting on lingerie for a night of passion (lucky guy) but that you don't want to see him fully dressed and made up, with a wig etc? Have you considered going to a support group for CDs and their wives? Might be a good idea to see what take other spouses have on it.
Each situation - public or private, shaved or unshaven, fully dressed or partially, nail polish or no - to me I think it should all be discussed as much as comfortable or possible. A couple who tries to work together will often have a better outcome for both people in that relationship.
I also think when as a part of a couple you are working together, and on the same page... Only to find out that your spouse is completely sneaking around it - it would feel a lot like not only a betrayal of that work you have done to find a common ground but also you feel a bit like a chump getting strung along while your partner is doing whatever they damn well please. I can see that subterfuge being very hurtful, and that if your husband 'let you' discover this, it was the absolute worst communication method. He should have talked to you about the feelings he has that make him really want to go out, and The base reasons why you are not comfortable with it, and try to work out some way you both can feel satisfied. Now, though, before that conversation can happen you have to work through some trust issues and doubts.
Once you have posted 10 times plus an intro, you can apply for access to the SO only part of the forum. It might help you sift through to people in similar situations to you. :)
Like I said, it certainly sounds like he's the one in the wrong here, but "betrayed" is a pretty strong word, and there are a lot of details left out.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rianna Humble
We need details about this agreement. If it had always stayed in the bedroom, why was an agreement needed? Why bring it up? Because he told you that he didn't want it to always stay in the bedroom? If so, then maybe you should feel betrayed, but why would you be shocked if you already knew it was something he wanted to do?Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
It's an incredibly suspicious way of stating the situation.
I only pee in the bathroom. I do not go outside and pee on the sidewalk next to my apartment. But my landlord has never asked me to agree not to pee on the sidewalk. If I had to make a verbal agreement with my landlord not to pee on the sidewalk, that in itself means something strange is going on.
It sounds like you knew it was something he wanted to do, so you tried to tell him not to, and he tried to keep it in the closet so you would leave him alone. And then he resented it, so he decided he was going to do what he wanted. And now this happened. He should've had the balls to tell you how he felt instead of just doing it. But it's hardly surprising.
Lola, as you can see, there are as many answers as there are members here. I can only give you my opinion. Don't feel betrayed. I thought I could surpress the urge to dress but I find it very difficult if not impossible. My wife puts up with my dressing and I have a girls nightout several times a month. But I find that the desire to dress has become stronger, not less as I thought it would. So did I lie when I told her it would eventually go away ? I don't think so but she might. I would love to integrete it into our life but she is not that accepting. Just understand that some of us can not or are not able to stop the flood of emotional satisfaction that is a result of expriencing our feminine side.
Lola, if i had a spouse who participated like you do, i would be talking to you all day and all night if I wanted more. :) In your So's defense, is it possible he assumed you wouldn't have a problem with it because everything else went so well? I'm not excusing the fact he didn't tell you he wanted to do this, nor implying that you tacitly approved it, just wondering if he didn't get caught up in the moment and thought you wouldn't mind.
Lola, i can only relate what I am doing along a similar line, and hope that the two of you can sit down and determine exactly what he was thinking and going to be doing. doing in violation of an agreed to boundary. And yes, sometimes our pink fog gets the best of us and we do dumb things, seldom maliciously.
About 8 weeks ago my wife went from a supportive, dress whenever, to a total DADT position, and wanted nothing to do with any mention of dressing. In my mind I took this to mean as long as it was ket from her I was free to do my thing. I went out 4 times, as posted here.
Well, Sunday night she wanted to talk,and she said she was ready to talk about it, and wanted to be included in knowing how i was progressing (only dressing for 9 months). She wanted to know what I had been doing, so i told her. She reacted as expected to my going out, and set a boundary that I would not leave the house enfemme to go out in our town. I was free to drive to another town, get a room, and dress and go out. She has serious issues with a friend seeing me in our town, and it impacting her/our position. I totally support this, and given her desire to discuss and know, and let me go out if I choose, it can work.
I know that the two of you can talk this out and determine exactly why he thought it was Ok for him to go out. He should be willing to recognize your boundaries and work within them. Sit down and be honest and make sure he knows your comfort levels, and can live within them. You need to know his desires/needs, and reach an agreement you both can live with.
Barbara
The details of how he was dressed and exactly what he intended to do outside of the marital home are incidental to the betrayal of trust evidenced by deciding to break his word to his wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raquel June
If you discuss things with your wife and give her your word that you will do something (whether CD related or not) then unilaterally decide that your word to her meant nothing, then you are betraying her trust.
Totally un-acceptable, failure to communicate! You are special and your CD SO is lucky to have you. Action plan is to sit CD SO down and set the ground rules again and failure to listen are the decisions your CD SO will live with. Sounds parental but it takes two in a family...The penalty ramifications for deceit is up to you...
Were the ground rules talked about before or were they just assumed. Like many have suggested communication is the key. He is a lucky to have you and be happy with what you have been doing. Many on here would be thrilled to get to do what you have been doing. If you are uncomfortable with his progression then please talk about it in a normal conversation. I really hate it when my wife is negative. I will listen better when she has normal conversations than when that negative rises up. I put up a stone wall in my defense. No one like to be attacked.
Hi Lola, sorry you are having problems now, when you thought things were going so well. Communication is the key - yes maybe your OH just assumed you would be cool with him going out, as you had been ok with dressing in the bedroom etc. Unfortunately some guys can be a bit thick when it comes to women's feelings, they might just need things spelt out for them. No offence intended to the guys but they are just not made the same as we GG's are and their emotions are just not like ours. Quite often they really dont know what they say or do annoys or upsets us.
You really need to sit down with your OH and discuss things calmly, and try not to get angry.
Ask him exactly what he wants from the CD'ing, how far he expects to be able to take it, wanting to go out alone or with you etc. and then tell him what you are prepared to agree to and what you feel comfortable with. Somewhere you should be able to meet in the middle so that both of you feel ok with the situation.
This isnt all about what he wants, neither is it all about what you will allow - both parties have needs and expectations and two sensible adults who love each other should be able to discuss the situation and compromise to the greater good of each other and the relationship.
Get in your 10 posts and come and join us GG's in the FAB forum - we would love to have you there.
SP x
The responses are all over the place, but the bottom line is, Lola hasn't provided enough details for anyone to give a really good response.
Lola, we need to know a lot more about your relationship and exactly what was going on.
Hello glad you are here:D
As everyone has said TALK
Find out...has he gone out before....where was he going...
Just know for most ( not all) they get to the point where they feel the need to go out.
You can get some things you both are comfortable with....there are tg/cd groups where you can attend meetings...safe places to go ect
But bottom line.....tell him you need to be on the same page and do not want surprises. He needs to open up with his thoughts and feelings on this.
It is not the end of the world...trust me....you can figure out between the both of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raquel June
The time I rented in an apartment building, my lease DID actually cover peeing outside te bathroom! Ah, they joys of living downtown.
Regardless, you say you will do/not do something you should stick to it. SOs do often grow in their comfort levels, but it is slower/nonexistent when we are ignored or deceived or misdirected.
Hey! I'm not defending lying to your wife! The relationships I've ended (well, the serious ones) have mostly been because I was lied to. I'm just sayin', this situation's fishy, and calling it "betrayal" is just too dramatic without more complete information.
I know that the smallest lie is a betrayal of sorts, but there's a difference between "you said you weren't going to wear that, and you lied!" and "you said you weren't going to F my sister, and you lied!"
Thank you for your kind words. In reviewing most of the posts I realize I didnt do a good job outlining the situation to give a clear picture. Most are right we didnt sit down and say this dress up is only in the bedroom, however, we called it bedroom playtime. I truly believed that is what it was- nor was it extreme. I came home from work because I was sick. I intended to call him at work once I got home. When I got home, I found her standing by the front door heading out with the look of fear on her face. My immediate reaction was I am going to kick her *ss and then go upstairs and kick my hubby's *ss for having an affair... only for those thoughts to turn to confusion as I realized it was my hubby.
I did not realize the strong desire he had for this and has had for a lifetime. It had not been shared with me. Call me naive - but somehow I missed that memo for 15 plus years.
Since this has occured, we have had some conversations. I have not agreed to any boundaries as I am unsure how I feel about it or my comfort level. I have just requested some time to digest it all. During those conversations he has communicated to me that he has strong urges etc. to where I feel like it almost doenst matter what my boundaries are -- if he cant control then what?
When the time is right I will sit down and discuss the boundaries- I feel this website has helped me understand this more- but I wont deny I dont like sharing my information. It was very difficult for me to write the little I did. I am just trying to listen to what he has to say when we discuss it, read as much on here as I can, and figure out how I will accept.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my note. It lifted some of my burden
Well then he looks passable :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Don't beat yourself up on this. You are preaching to the choir. You would be surprised how many women didn't know. CD's are good at hiding it until they want to get caught. Get 4 more posts so you can join the GG section here and you will get the real scoop. I am worried about him going out in the middle of the day but maybe that is the only time he felt you would not catch him dressed (maybe he was going to McDonald's)Quote:
I did not realize the strong desire he had for this and has had for a lifetime. It had not been shared with me. Call me naive - but somehow I missed that memo for 15 plus years.
he can and will agree to limits if he wants you to stay. This is rarely an uncontrollable compulsion (if it is he needs to have professional help...not to stop but to be able to be in control.). You sound like you are willing to work, he should realize that he is ahead of the game compared to many on here. Neither one of you will "win" if you don't remain flexible. On the other hand this could be a really good thing for your relationship because now you can talk and he can be candid. I hope it works out. :hugs:Quote:
Since this has occured, we have had some conversations. I have not agreed to any boundaries as I am unsure how I feel about it or my comfort level. I have just requested some time to digest it all. During those conversations he has communicated to me that he has strong urges etc. to where I feel like it almost doenst matter what my boundaries are -- if he cant control then what?
I understand your feelings about sharing details. I am a very private person myself, and have a hard time writing about things in a forum. But it has helped me, and you are doing the right thing by sharing some of your feelings and details in an attempt to further your own understanding of the situation. Don't expect to accept everything all at once. Your SO has had many years to accept himself and to grow and develop his nature. You have just had a few days. It will take time, and your own feelings will fluctuate as you go through this with your spouse--this is all totally normal. Do keep posting so you can get your ten posts in and apply to FAB--it's been very helpful to me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
But what was his story??? Where was he going? How was he dressed? What time of day was it?
You still haven't really given any info that can help people give you any insight.
Maybe you work the night shift, and you came home at midnight and he was dressed like a prostitute and headed out to a club to try to hook up with somebody. Or maybe he had some kind of afternoon hookup he found on Craigslist that he was going to meet.
OR
Maybe he just really needed to have some personal dress-up time and was dressed like a normal woman and was just going to go to the mall or maybe just drive around, and you really shouldn't be angry.
One of them is a huge betrayal and you should divorce him, and the other one is totally innocent and you should try to get him to be more open. But who knows which one it is.
If you honestly don't know what he was up to, that's a bad sign.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raquel June
Maybe I am reading more into this but it sort of says "I was sick, he was supposed to be at work, I was going to call hime when I got home"
Specifically it saysIf nothing else he was supposed to be at work and wasn't. Sort of says "Hey, I am sneaking around" for whatever reason, even if sneaking out for a gallon of milk.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
Yeah, but if he's just sneaking out for a gallon of milk and she flies off the handle and says "YOU'VE BETRAYED ME!" then who's the crazy one here?Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
I don't remember discussing sanity. Somebody skipped work, without telling their SO, I don't care if it was just to watch porn all day. It is a sneaky underhanded thing. OK, back to the OP then. I'm outta thisQuote:
Originally Posted by Raquel June
Lola, as you continue to talk, make sure you tell him not to agree to terms that he can't keep. And you, too.
Hi Lola, welcome! :hugs:Quote:
Originally Posted by Lola14U
This very much sounds like "do it now, ask for permission later".
There is a natural progression to the CDing (for most CDers). It can begin in the bedroom with lingerie type clothes, then progresses to skirts, heels, wigs, makeup. At this stage many CDers may dress as close to a sexy image of a woman as they can (the fishnets, mini skirts, stilettos, big boobs) and may to go to GLBT nightclubs, where CDers are generally welcome. After a while there is often a desire to refine the appearance and tone it down, so as to blend into the non-nightclub crowds better (and therefore not be read as a CDers), and go out into the mainstream. Not all CDers go through the "clubby" look stage.
If your husband is hiding the fact that he's been going out dressed, my first question would be how long he's been doing this, and why didn't he tell you. If I were to guess, I'd say that he was afraid you'd say no, or he is afraid to tell you how deep is his need to express femininity. He may even be questioning his own gender right now.
If he looked passable enough that you didn't recognize him, then he may have been doing this for a while. Not that there's anything wrong with this, my SO goes out in the mainstream as well (alone or with me), but there is still betrayal in the sense that your husband hasn't been disclosing everything to you. He minimized his needs, preferring to have you believe the CDing is nothing more than a bedroom kink. I don't blame you for being upset ... not over the CDing, but over not having been kept in the loop.
I wish you both all the best as you put everything on the table and begin a series of serious discussions about this. You can both get through this, but it will take complete honesty and also both of you having an ability to compromise. If your husband isn't a member here, please do suggest that he join, and also you might want to join FAB. The details are in the *Announcements* link next to FAB on the forum Index page.
It's obvious you love and care for each other, 15 years is a long investment, have that discussion but openly and honestly and find a solution. Some of us can only wish for the understanding better half you appear to be.
I'm sorry, but if you take some personal time off and your spouse flies off the handle and declares that they have been betrayed because you didn't consult them first, then you're married to a psycho.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorileah
Obviously, in this case, there is more going on. And as I've said before the husband is probably in the wrong. But give me a break about the "sneaky underhanded" business of having to ask your wife before you do anything. That's the kind of overbearing personality that makes people feel they have to be sneaky. There's no mutual respect.
One thing I told my cousin in high school: 'if you aren't comfortable enough to talk with your boyfriend about disease and protection before you have sex, you aren't ready to do it.'
I think the same could apply in cross dressing families, too: if you are not comfortable with talking about going outside with your spouse, probably you may want to think twice about doing it! What if it had been a friend of Lola who happened to see this other woman exiting the house in the middle of the day? What if it were a neighbour? What if that person mentioned it to another person? These are realistic possibilities, and everyone living in the house may be affected in one way or another.
Also: everyone is entitled to their feelings. Most of them will end up, in the long run, resolving themselves one way or another. Discovering that a partner crossdresses really is the beginning of an emotional journey that can be intense and long (or short and uneventful, if you're lucky). However: every shred of anguish, of frustration, of happiness, of satisfaction, of hurt and of uncertainty is valid to the person who experiences it. It's not fair to trivialize those emotions, because we really cannot control that part of our reaction.