I am a Real Person, I Exist, and I am Known. My Fear be Damned!!!
Throughout my adult life, until the past year or so, I have offered and presented to the world only a small fraction of myself and who I am. During this time, with the exception of my wonderful, fantastic, loving wife, no one knew me as Anne. No one knew I am Anne. In fact, no one even knew Anne existed. As it was, the world was completely oblivious to Anne. She simply did not exist. Or rather, she chose not to exist within the world of others.
As for the person that was Anne, she was believed by all to be all man through and through. That was how she deceitfully presented herself to the world, anyways. The fact of the matter was that the person that was Anne was quite adept and talented at playing the hiding game.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten . . . . Ready or not, here I come!"
Except that no one came searching. No one ever came searching. Because no one knew to come, or ever had a reason to come searching. No one even knew a game was being played, much less the rules to the game Anne played. The person that was Anne played the game by herself. It was her game, and her game only. There was no sharing or playing with others.
Still, the person that was Anne was quite the chameleon, blending into the male segments of society with skillful efficiency and desperate determination. She was deep, deep, deep in the closet, and safely tucked away from what she believed to be the pitfalls, dangers, and monsters of the world. Seemingly pulling off the ultimate coup and magic trick, Anne even went so far as to unwittingly hide much of herself from even herself.
It was an impressively convincing act. Anne fooled ‘em all. And no one, absolutely no one, suspected a thing. For years and years and years, the world knew the person who was Anne as only a man. The mask and costume cloaking Anne was perfect, appearing genuine and authentic, and presented a masterful disguise.
Throughout the entirety of her lifetime, the person who was Anne erected many mental walls, defenses, and barriers to keep her insides in, and her outsides out. These defenses were strong, impenetrable, and devoid of any cracks. No entry was allowed. Not even a peek behind the curtains was permissible.
The irony, unrecognized at the time, was that these defenses stripped away any hope for a better day, a brighter future, or the prospect for personal growth and evolution. Any hope for freedom, liberation, validation, and acceptance were likewise locked away behind the gloomy walls of Anne’s defenses.
As the years went by, shackled by her own creation, Anne unknowingly was held captive within her host body. She had become a prisoner within herself. Still, as day after day, and year after year passed, the person who was Anne played the hiding game over and over again. Deviation from the code of male conduct, as set forth and promulgated by an unforgiving and ignorant society, was not allowed except for in the absolute privacy and safety of Anne's closet.
One day not so long ago, though, something completely unexpected happened. Against all the odds, or perhaps because of the odds, a small crack appeared in the defenses that the person who was Anne had spent a lifetime fortifying. By any standard of measurement, it was only but a small, seemingly insignificant crack, but it was a crack nonetheless.
Except that small crack, in truth, was anything but insignificant. Slowly in the beginning, the essence of Anne that was imprisoned within began to trickle out of that small crack, searching for freedom, the light of day, and the beauty and magic of the outside world. The more that trickled out and escaped, the faster it began to flow. As the momentum grew, the larger the crack became.
Before long, the crack burst wide open, spewing the imprisoned essence of Anne into the unknown at break neck speeds. It was fast, furious, chaotic, and intense. The person that was Anne quickly lost control. The determination, the will, and the desire to hide quickly eroded away, revealing many long buried truths, dusty memories, and emotions long denied. The truth, long ignored, began to make itself known – Anne needed to be free.
Through this profoundly powerful and life altering awakening, the person who was Anne came to understand that she had allowed fear to dictate her entire life, and to influence the decisions she made. She had been afraid, and terrified that she would be misunderstood, scorned, rejected, hated, ridiculed, scoffed at, and perceived to be an abomination of society by those around her. She thought she would lose everything if anyone found out the awful truth about her. The person who was Anne was also very much afraid of herself, who and what she really was, and what it all may mean for her and her family.
But the thing is, the truth can only be denied for so long. I am Anne, and she is me. After much reflection, introspection, and work, I now recognize that I have committed a terrible injustice upon myself and Anne. I have made many mistakes. I have allowed myself to be controlled by my fear. By failing Anne, I failed myself. I imprisoned her - me - for God's sake!!! In so doing, I turned against myself, violated myself, and denied myself.
I was wrong to do this, and I see that now. I am also beginning to understand that living in fear is no proper way to live, if the fear can be reasonably confronted and defeated. As a result, my outlook on life has changed and evolved much of late.
It's kinda funny, though. The more I have learned to believe in and accept myself, the more I have recognized that I can not do this alone anymore. I need help. I need others to know about me. I need others to know that I am Anne, and that Anne exists within the world.
So I decided that I wanted – needed - to take a big risk. I decided that I wanted – needed - to invite certain people in to my world, so that they may know me as the real person I am. My fear, though, was significant. In the face of taking action, I wanted to curl up on the floor, cry, vomit, scream, explode, and run away all at the same time. I wanted to be dead. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to cave in as I always had to my fear, and just walk away into the cold, familiar comfort of shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing. I wanted to hide as I have never hidden before, never to be seen or heard from again. I did not want to be me.
But I did not hide. I did not run. I did not die. Instead, I stood tall and firm, and I faced my fear head on. In this, I did not back away. I did not cower in the face of its debilitating wickedness. I reclaimed the power and sway I had unwittingly fed it for so many years. It was because of me that my fear had become so powerful. But it was also because of me that my fear was defeated and beat down into submission.
Regardless, although doing so was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, I did it! I spilled the beans and told certain friends and family all about me! In all, I have come out to six of my closest friends and one sister, all of whom I trust implicitly, respect, and love dearly.
Why do this, though? Why now? Why do it ever? After all, it's my life, it isn't anybody else's business, and I'm not hurting anyone. So why take such a potentially huge risk? Especially when there ain't no unringing that bell once it's been rung.
The answer is actually quite simple - because I was dying inside. Just plain dying inside. But as much as I previously had thought I wanted to, I did not want to die. I wanted to live, damn it! I needed to live. So I had to let others in. Knowing no other way, I tore down my walls, exposed the true essence of myself, and threw myself upon the mercy of the court. Live or die. Exist or do not. Be or be not.
But it was more than just this, as if this wasn't enough in and of itself. The problem ran much deeper than I had ever allowed myself to even begin to consider or think about.
The friends and family that I have come out to I love dearly. I have known each and every one of them a very long time, and I know them all quite well. I know who they are, and appreciate what they mean to me. We have shared and experienced much together, and shall continue to do so for as long as life permits. We are all a part of each other's lives, and I feel quite fortunate and blessed to have such special people to share my life with.
I love them for who I know them to be and for who they are, and they likewise have loved me for, well, um, uh, the person they believed me to be, and the person they thought I was.
The problem, though, is that they did not know the real me. They did not know who I really was. They thought they knew. They thought they knew me equally as well as I knew them. But they did not, nor could they have. I had been deceptive. I had been untruthful, untrusting, and unwelcoming since day one of our respective relationships. I had hidden myself! I had presented an incomplete and false version of myself. I had let no one in! I had trusted no one! I had feared everyone! No one knew Anne, which by its very nature meant that no one knew me.
And I find this to be tragic. Absolutely, heart-breakingly, painfully, stunningly tragic. Mind-blowingly tragic. Depressingly and regretfully tragic. Unacceptably tragic. The tragedy of this truth strikes me to my very core, and it hurts much. This tragedy, to be so completely unknown to the world, is epic.
For me, Anne is not something that I do. She is not a hobby, a toy, or just fun and games. The clothes, the makeup, the shoes, the wigs, breast forms, jewelry, and nail polish do not make Anne. Instead, I make Anne. I make Anne because I am Anne. I am so very her, in fact, and she is so inextricably intertwined within my being, that she just is, I just am, we just are, and we are me.
But nobody has known any of this!!! Nobody has known the real me!!! Having four decades and a few years change under my belt, how is it even possible that no one knows me???!!! Statistically speaking, I am aleady beyond the halfway point of my life. More than half of my life is now behind me - POOF - and there is nothing I can do about it.
The cold, hard reality is that I had become very lonely and isolated being me all alone, and trying to do it all myself. I have been lonely, and alone, for so long now. For much too long. I need others. It's important and meaningful to me that I am known to others, that I am accepted by these people for who I am, that they know I am Anne, and that they continue to love me as they did before.
Don't get me wrong, though. I still struggle with myself. I am not at peace with myself. I still constantly question just what exactly the hell is going on with me. And I still fear a great many things, including my future and what all of this ultimately means. But I do know this - coming out to those I have was the right decision for me. I am no longer lonely. I am no longer alone. I no longer need to shoulder this burden by myself and without help.
And for the very first time ever, some four decades after my birth, I am known by others! I mean really, truly known by others. And I am finally known as the whole, complete person that I really am. No pretense, no show, no hiding, and no acting. My truth is out there, and I have found much freedom, validation, and liberation within its release.
My work is far from over. I have no idea what tomorrow may bring. But right now, in the here and now, within the moment, to at least a small circle of friends and family I am Anne. I exist. I am known. I love. I am loved. I am accepted. I am real. And I am me!!! :)
