Why do we purge and how do you stop it?

Earlier in the year I moved across country with my family who left one week before me. While the purpose was for me to pack up and drive the Uhaul it was a perfect opportunity for me to dress...and dress I did! But right before I put the last box on the truck I tossed everything I owned out of guilt. Literally hundreds of dollars worth of shoes, skirts, tops, dresses, and lingerie.

Why did I feel guilty? While my wife knows I dress she has said before she likes a manly man. She likes me hairy, masculine, and looks to me as her protector. But even with that being known she doesn't pitch a fit when I completely shave or wear panties. She may raise an eyebrow but she has known for a couple of years now and overall our marriage has not changed because of it.

The guilt I feel is with my kids. I am now blessed with two young daughters. My older one is coming to the age of learning what boy clothes are and what girl clothes are. I feel a huge amount of guilt about wanting to be Julie and having all my clothes in the house without them finding out or knowing how to make excuses if they find out.

I say excuses because one thing my wife has made clear is she does not want the girls knowing. Any advice on this is greatly appreciated as the shopping urge is starting to come once again since I haven't dressed since the end of january and no longer have any clothes...

My wife insisted I purge. Said she couldn't move past it until I did. I kept asking her what I got out of the deal. Basically I got to keep her I think. So I put it all in a garbage bag and threw it in a dumpster. Guess what? She still hasn't moved past it.

Purging is forever... do not do it! It always comes back and costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Jayne, guilt is in our heads not our souls... purging achieves nothing other than short term relief. The evidence is that it always comes back. Once I accepted this, I stopped purging... now I have too many clothes (a by-product)... it comes back stronger each time....!??? :D:hugs::love:

Purge. i think most of us have done it at less once, and most more than once, i understand what your wife say about tellling the kids, my wife one rule has been no dressing in front of the kids, And when there home all the time it is hard to find time to be the girl we think we should be, I now have two in college and two in high school, my girls have seen me at halloween, and a couple of them seen me by acticdent, but have said they would not tell there mom, i can believe my girls because we are close, and they don't want anyone to know that i dress as a woman. Hang in there, you are not the only one that has purge for the best of family, but i can tell you if your like alot of us girls, it will not go away, you can put back in the closet while raising your girls, i can is wish you the best, Hugs

I get to a point in a lull where I can believe that I don't need to dress anymore. To purge feels cathardic like a release. Sometimes I do it because I get so paranoid that my stash will be found i get rid of it just to ease my mind and end the unreasonable fear.

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Originally Posted by ReluctantDebutant

I get to a point in a lull where I can believe that I don't need to dress anymore. To purge feels cathardic like a release. Sometimes I do it because I get so paranoid that my stash will be found i get rid of it just to ease my mind and end the unreasonable fear.

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Don't you wish sometimes your stash is found so the fear is gone?

Oh, yes, why we purge?
I believe it comes down to the same reasons, we have a hard time accepting who we are, feel we must keep it a secret, and worrying what others think.

Guilt, Shame, and Fear.
Hiding from others or yourself, makes purges seem needed. The fear of being caught. The shame of them and yourself, not understanding. The guilt that they or you, find it wrong.


Once I, acceptted myself, told my Wife about being a CD, and quit worrying about the outside world thoughts. I quit purging. My Wife also matter a-factly, told me not to purge any more, after she was told of my hobby.

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Originally Posted by juliecdfl

Don't you wish sometimes your stash is found so the fear is gone?

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Not really. If I want to come out I'd rather it be because of my decision and not because someone stumbled onto my things.

the only time i did that when i moved to spain and had nowere to stash the clothes.

Guilt, Shame, and Fear. yes i have had that like most of us who CD and sometimes its really frustrating as get really jealous that i cant walk out that door and just be accepted

why do we crossdress? why do i need to do it , i have asked myself that question so many times and i dont have a answer.

It's easier to quit purging than to quit crossdressing. Just ask any of us who have purged several times (3 for me, the last and final time 20 years ago). Eventually, we learn the futility of it. Sure wish I had some of that stuff back.

My purges were always out of guilt and fear. The guilt of hiding from my wife and the fear that others would discover this part of me and cause us both to feel shame and ridicule.

It took years of soul searching to realize that this is who I am and denying it is what caused all the fear and guilt. The pressure was self-imposed and now that I have accepted myself I have no desire, no need to purge ever again.

I don't purge anymore. I keep what I want in the house and my wife is ok with it. Sometimes I wish I still had some of the stuff I've tossed in the past.

I purged once when I was 17ish? Put it all on a fire and burnt it. Never knew what purging was then it just seemed the right thing to do, almost as if I was doing some ancient shaman banishment ritual.
Did it work? Well you all know it didn't lol. But it cost me alot of money and memories, I have never done it since. I can go along time without dressing as long as I know I CAN do it whenever I want, take that away and it just gets unbearable.

I think purging is almost a rite of passage :P

Sometimes you have to decide what is more important to you, dressing or your family. As far as how to stop purging, you just stop plain and simple although depending on the situation, you may have to be creative.:)

What Jayne says is basically how non accepting GG's feel about 'their man' in a dress. Once they have that vision everything changes. The cross dressing sword is held above our heads. My wife in the past threw some cross dressing barbs at me when we were arguing about non cross dressing issues. She threatened to tell the world and destroy me. Later, she said she would never do that. That destroyed any trust I had with her on the issue. She knows I have a wardrobe. I don't know if she knows the extent. I never have purged because my collection started with her approval and participation; lingerie for bedroom play. I will NEVER purge my collection of over 350 slips. As a retiree with adequate income I will not accept any ultimatums to purge anything.

Julie, if your wife knows, don't purge. You and your wife have established agreeable limitations on cross dressing. Just live by those rules. Do not modify the rules without your wife's approval. Remember, acquiescence does not indicate approval.

You're still purging because you still have non acceptance of who you are. I think cross dressing is no different than a person with any compulsion. Spend too much modifying your car? Go golfing too many times? Fishing? Moderation is necessary in a marriage. No ultimatums from the wife, and, no throwing it in her face with a take it or leave it attitude.

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Originally Posted by Aloha Jayne

My wife insisted I purge. Said she couldn't move past it until I did. I kept asking her what I got out of the deal. Basically I got to keep her I think. So I put it all in a garbage bag and threw it in a dumpster. Guess what? She still hasn't moved past it.

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My last purge was when I met my last ex-wife. I'll have to make sure my next partner really loves crossdressing!

I found the perfect way to purge! I have no guilt for the last time I purge was my MALE clothes that I purged!!!!!!

Yep. Dont throw away things that cost money. It solves nothing. Objects only have the meaning you place on them. When you purge you lose money but you keep your ideas. So. Dont do it.


you cant run away from yourself..

I have a motto.... Do not purge, Store,
Yes, gather up all your things and put in an Attic, Basement, Garage ceiling, Or a storage locker.
Now when you want to go back, It does not cost you buying everything over again.
Rader

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Originally Posted by NicoleScott

It's easier to quit purging than to quit crossdressing. Just ask any of us who have purged several times (3 for me, the last and final time 20 years ago). Eventually, we learn the futility of it. Sure wish I had some of that stuff back.

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No truer words have ever been written on this site! After my last time, which was about 10 years ago, I swore that I would never to it again. I also swore that I wouldn't dress anymore, but dressing always came back with a vengence. The simple cost of all of the clothes should be enough to not purge anymore. As the drawers and closet gets fuller, there is a need to rid yourself of the items that you no longer wear, but that is not purging!

I've never built up a wardrobe this big before, so purging again would be a bit devastating.

Last time I was tempted to purge I packed up all my clothes and shoes and put them in an attic where they were unlikely to be discovered by anyone.

Several years later everything is back out again and seems to have survived the extreme temperatures of the attic. Really glad I didn't purge, having been through that before and regretted it later.

Not trying to rub it in here, just suggesting that next time you feel like purging, try putting things in long term storage.

Christine

I never understood purging. Sure you might not be dressing, but only because it isn't available at the time. That doesn't mean you have stopped, all it means is that you don't have access to it at the moment. I always felt if you really want to stop you have to have access to all the clothes. If you can keep the clothes around and still not dress, that saying a lot more than not dressing because you don't have the clothes.

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Originally Posted by juliecdfl

The guilt I feel is with my kids. I am now blessed with two young daughters. My older one is coming to the age of learning what boy clothes are and what girl clothes are. I feel a huge amount of guilt about wanting to be Julie and having all my clothes in the house without them finding out or knowing how to make excuses if they find out.

I say excuses because one thing my wife has made clear is she does not want the girls knowing. Any advice on this is greatly appreciated as the shopping urge is starting to come once again since I haven't dressed since the end of january and no longer have any clothes...

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If you have your wife's cooperation, you can find the time and space to dress without your daughters knowing. You could keep your stuff in your room, in a dresser with locking drawers. And your wife can arrange to take the girls out every so often, or you and your wife could get a sitter occasionally to go out of town overnight.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

My advise is DON'T DO IT!!!

First time I was forced to purge by my parents. I was forced to watch as my favorite clothes were tossed into the fire. Second time was when I met my X wife. Yes what was I thinking. I should of had my head examined. I knew she would not accept this part of me and I was right. I guess I just needed a good shot in the pocket book. Well all is good now.

DON'T DO IT. Seek a good couples therapist that understands CDing if your wife is willing to try.

I have not purged in over 20 years but have also been recently dealing with guilt associated with having a new daughter in the house. My wife and I both want me to be all Dad to her so it has caused stress. But purge, not gonna happen learned the lesson about that years ago the hard way. So many nice things down the drain. Gotta somehow manage it. So many common threads amongst us its amazing.

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

Sometimes you have to decide what is more important to you, dressing or your family. As far as how to stop purging, you just stop plain and simple although depending on the situation, you may have to be creative.:)

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Wow, a lot of forum members will be surprised to learn that crossdressing is a simple choice, and to avoid relationship problems (with wife, other family, job, friends, etc.), just purge and be done with it. And we thought we were compelled from within, either by a strong feminine identity or sexual excitement.
Yes, I like crossdressing, but like many others, acknowledge that life would be easier without it.
We could choose to quit crossdressing, like we could choose to quit eating, but at what cost?

I've only ever purged once and that was when I went into the service. I didn't have any place at home to store my stuff so I had to get rid of it. It was heart rending.

We puge because we feel shame, guilt, something we need not feel. We must realize we are who are, are lives will be better & fuller if we do.

It seems everyone has already given the best answers for why we purge, shame and guilt. Here is how to stop it.

now repeat after me:
purging is silly
a waste of time and money
the next time i purge i will purge all my guy underwear and cut them up and use them for cleaning rags
a metaphore for wiping away all the memories of when i thought i was not a girl

You wanted to know The Best Way to Deal with A Purge? (Or, at least The Urge to Purge)

Simple enough! The Strategy is.....wait,wait,wait,wait,wait,wait,wait,wait.... and then, wait some more! If you don't Act upon your Desire to Purge, it almost always goes away, you feel better about yourself, and you have still got your Stuff!

As others have recommended, store those things away, put them out of sight, forget about The Current Situation. Then, when you are ready, and you will know when that When is, you can get your stuff back out, and you won't have to go through A Grief Process about your Lost Pretties. Most all situations have a solution, it might not always be the optimal solution, but that's The Nature of Life. Hasty Acts nullify that possibility of finding any Solution except The Hasty Act. Do you really want to waste your time on a Bad Solution?

Peace and Love, Joanie

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Originally Posted by Jorja

the next time i purge i will purge all my guy underwear and cut them up and use them for cleaning rags

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My wife would shoot me if I cut up the pink briefs she got me to wear to the doctor.

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Originally Posted by Kaz

Purging is forever... do not do it! It always comes back and costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Jayne, guilt is in our heads not our souls... purging achieves nothing other than short term relief. The evidence is that it always comes back. Once I accepted this, I stopped purging... now I have too many clothes (a by-product)... it comes back stronger each time....!??? :D:hugs::love:

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In 40+ years of dressing I've purged 5 or 6 times for various reasons but keep coming back. Better to hide everything away in the attic because you WILL come back and it will be expensive !!! Just my opinoin.

I have purged in the past 2 times. Don't do it I miss some of the clothes that I had. I am now slowly getting it all back. My wife loves me being Tiffany, I'm never going to go back to being a guy ever again. People were just born to be who they are so if you feel like you need to stop just store your stuff cause I promise all the feels and everything will come back

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Originally Posted by juliecdfl

The guilt I feel is with my kids. I am now blessed with two young daughters. My older one is coming to the age of learning what boy clothes are and what girl clothes are. I feel a huge amount of guilt about wanting to be Julie and having all my clothes in the house without them finding out or knowing how to make excuses if they find out.

I say excuses because one thing my wife has made clear is she does not want the girls knowing. Any advice on this is greatly appreciated as the shopping urge is starting to come once again since I haven't dressed since the end of january and no longer have any clothes...

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[SIZE="3"]The very essence of being a parent is sacrificing our own desires for the well-being of our children. I must side with your wife here and advise you to set CDing aside for a few years and enjoy your girls as the grow up. When they're off to college or married or out of the house, you can resume CDing with no guilt etc. as long as your wife is still good with it. In the mean time get another hobby to occupy your time! Most women sort of have this built in parenting gene. We men have to allow ours to develop a little before it truly blossoms into parenthood.[/SIZE]

I appreciate all of the responses received thus far. To avoid purging I think my best bet would be to try and store everything in tupperware containers in my attic. It sounds like that would help me get rid of the initial guilt but I am not doing anything stupid.

This is the 2nd or 3rd time I have purged and I really do wish I could get it all back. I think the hardest part of purging is looking back on how much you have grown as a person in building your wardrobe. All of my shoes were bought in person and not online. It took a lot for me to get the courage together to go to a shoe store and by size 11 heels...especially when the girl behind the counter probably guessed they were for me. I am not saying I wouldn't do it again but my shoes always reminded me of my coming to accept myself for who I am.

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Originally Posted by juliecdfl

I appreciate all of the responses received thus far. To avoid purging I think my best bet would be to try and store everything in tupperware containers in my attic. It sounds like that would help me get rid of the initial guilt but I am not doing anything stupid.

This is the 2nd or 3rd time I have purged and I really do wish I could get it all back. I think the hardest part of purging is looking back on how much you have grown as a person in building your wardrobe. All of my shoes were bought in person and not online. It took a lot for me to get the courage together to go to a shoe store and by size 11 heels...especially when the girl behind the counter probably guessed they were for me. I am not saying I wouldn't do it again but my shoes always reminded me of my coming to accept myself for who I am.

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Yep. Just find a good hiding spot. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with your emotions

Hi Julie, That sounds like an expensive lesson learned.

Back when I was living with my parents, I had purchased nice hard luggage that had combination locks on it, and whenever I felt like throwing anything out, simply put it away for a while instead. No one ever asked, because I had the forethought to give everyone else luggage as presents over the years, that way everyone had their own. If anyone ever asked what was in it, I had planned to tell them that either 1. it was older out of style out of season clothes, or, 2. It was things I didn't fit in, but was trying to lose weight to wear it again. But no one ever asked.

Ive only ever purged once. Years back when my GF didn't know about Samantha, and this was pure guilt of keeping a secret.
Since she learned about me Ive never wanted to purge, never even thought about it.
Your guilt is fueled by secrecy and lies, remove the secrets from the equation and this removes the guilt. Remove the guilt and you remove the desire to purge.

So?

You need to introduce your crossdressing to your children. Tactfully.
How you do this will be up to you, you know your kiddy-winks best, but if you don't want the world to know, I'd keep it secret untill they can too.

Failing this option, you could come to a conclusion that few of us ever reach and live out which is "Who f**king cares what I do if it doesn't hurt anyone"

Some people (usually god-botherers) might take it upon themselves to inform you that you're confusing your children.
I disagree with this, I take the stance that youre raising a more open minded, worldly child because of it.

I wish you the best