Dear Pantyhose: I think we should see other people...
This afternoon, in a bittersweet moment, I broke up with pantyhose...
Once upon a time, crossdressing for me always involved pantyhose. It was such a thrill, going to the store, fearfully migrating to the rack of hose, and then picking out a package (or four). I was so enamored with that tightness, that chilly, warm feel I would always get as I slid into a pair. I couldn't get enough of that soft, slightly scratchy sensation as my legs would rub together. I would almost always top it off with a nightie, and of course copious amounts of lipstick. Feeling sufficiently femme, I was always pretty sure that I had reached the apex of my femininity.
Things began to change when I found a SO who was supportive of my dressing. She pushed my adventures to a different level. She found my love of hose quaint and endearing, but she was ever sure to remind me that there was so much more to dressing than wearing a pair of L'Eggs. It was she who encouraged me to pursue the look of a real woman - and she who reminded me that not every situation called for the soft encasement of hose. Nonetheless, I was not ready to let go. When we would go out to the bar, even if I was wearing jeans and boots with no leg showing, I could not imagine doing so without a pair of hose gently hugging my lower half.
Gradually though, I began to think differently. I found that the essence of what I perceived as femininity could be found with or without hose. I began to feel more and more defined by the complete outfit, rather than having to have that one ostensibly essential piece of clothing. Still, I clung to old habits. Even as recently as a few months ago, I would get geared up to go shopping for girl clothes en drab, and would unfailingly slip into hose before I headed out to the stores. But more and more, I would find that I couldn't wait to be home to get free of the overbearing tightness. When I would get back, it was off with the jeans and off with the hose - I just wanted to spend time with my new girly clothes, free of the encumbrance of my former love.
Today, things came to a head. I was prepping to go shopping with a new GG friend of mine. I showered and shaved, and went into the closet to pick out a pair of old suntans to wear stealthily under my outward man-garments. They felt tight and stultifying. The thrill was gone. I came to the realization that there was no reason for me to wear them. I was still going to try on things that would make me feel much more girly, with or without them. In a fit of rebellion, I pulled them off, tossed them on my bed, and headed out the door.
The shopping expedition was wonderful. I came home with a couple bags full of goodies. I didn't need pantyhose to enjoy any of them. I knew then, that from this day forth, I was only going to wear hose when I needed them. Of course, there are situations where they will still be indispensable - dresses and the like. But I know now that hose are no longer an essential part of my crossdressing. They are simply an element of it.
This is such a mixed-up feeling, like a breakup that had to happen - like the girl that I was once head over heels for, but now feel trapped by. It's kind of sad to think about all the good times I had in hose, and how they once very much defined what crossdressing meant to me. But now the pursuit of the whole girl is so much more important to me. I want Kali to be so much more than that explosion of fetish that she once was. And for that to happen, pantyhose has to take on a smaller role in my life. That break with my past is a little heartbreaking - but exciting nonetheless, as my evolution as 'T' becomes more and more complete.
I sometimes see posts here expressing sentiments like "without pantyhose, it's just not dressing for me." I really used to feel that way. I thought things would never change. But today I came to the absolute realization that dressing for me is about so much more than just a few fetish-y items. And I'm so excited about that fact.
Anyways, just a weird bittersweet moment I had today, and I wanted to share with the group. Thanks for listening...
(:
