Family issues- any advice?

Well my heart was broken last week when my son (19) announced that Mom told me what you did last weekend Dad, and I'm disgusted by you. So my wife is confiding in my son that I crossdressed while they were away, and he says he 's disgusted and hates me. The both want me to seek therapy to stop. I've come so far standing up for myself recently that this hurts me so much, I need to express my feminine side, not surpress it as I have tried to do in the past. I don't mind the idea of therapy, but I know they think it will help me stop, far from it, I think if I was true to myself I'd be Jennifer more, not less. Any advice, especially from those with sons would be welcomed- I'm just so destroyed by this now.
Jenny

This is a perfect opportunity to accept their proposal for therapy and have them join you. They will learn a lot about themselves as we'll as you.

Seems to me that therapy might be a good idea for everyone. Perhaps undertaking it would give them the chance to understand you a little better. I think they may be a bit mistaken about therapy helping you to stop, though. If you do go down that road, make sure to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues - not some cowboy church counselor with bible in hand, of course. Good luck to you (:

If nothing else, the therapy will only confirm that this is an integrate part of who you are! Just remember that their reaction isn't necessarily their attempt to oppose you. They may truly believe something's wrong. Once you go through therapy and it's revealed you're totally fine, maybe they'll accept this side of you you've held in for so long!

If their idea of therapy is to get you to stop, it will not work out. Beware of the choice of a therapist. If the therapist is predisposed to calling you a sinner destined for hell, nothing will change. If your wife and son become informed, then it will become their choice on how they proceed in life. Frankly, if your son hates you, he gave go see a military recruiter. He's of legal age to vacate your house. Then he will not have to worry about it.

A 19 yo male is just beginning real maturity. Even those areas of the brain are still developing. It sounds like he is giving the knee jerk reaction expected of the male to this situation which is one reason therapy will help with education. The other issue is why did your wife tell him? Was it an attempt on her part to get him on her side and put an end to this? If so, you and she need to do some talking and counseling together as well. How long has she known? If you all agree to therapy, make sure your expectations of what it will do for the family are the same. If either of them are thinking it will cure you, it will not.

My only suggestion would be to seek therapy from a therapist that has some understanding with crossdressing. So you might have to search around a little. You don't want to find one with a bias, but one that will be fair with all of you.

Your son is an adult. Maybe not "established" but he is NOT some 6 year old schoolkid. You no longer should be living your life around that. You have paid your dues for having kids. It is time to live as you see fit.

Your son probably doesn't want you telling him how to live. He doesn't have a right to dictate your life either.

Jenny, I have two grown up sons that I love very much and I know they love me. We are very close.
But if they found out that there Dad dressed in female clothing they would be very upset and certainly think less of me.

This unfortunately is the world we live in.
But I am sorry this has happened to you Jenny. Give it time, you never know?

SUZY

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Originally Posted by suzy1

Jenny, I have two grown up sons that I love very much and I know they love me. We are very close.
But if they found out that there Dad dressed in female clothing they would be very upset and certainly think less of me.

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Suzy, here is what I say all the time -
Relationships don't normally change when the TG part "comes out". Your kids might be a bit shocked but I doubt they would think or feel any less for you. You will always be "dad" no matter what but they would NOT think less of you. :)

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Originally Posted by Nicole Erin

Suzy, here is what I say all the time -
Relationships don't normally change when the TG part "comes out". Your kids might be a bit shocked but I doubt they would think or feel any less for you. You will always be "dad" no matter what but they would NOT think less of you. :)

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Thank you Nicale. That is a nice thing to say and you could me right.
But I do know my sons better than you do, yes?

But a very kind thing to say and I appreciate it.:)

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Originally Posted by suzy1

Thank you Nicale. That is a nice thing to say and you could me right.
But I do know my sons better than you do, yes?
But a very kind thing to say and I appreciate it.:)

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True I don't know your sons. My experience though is that the TG factor doesn't usually change a relationship. Weak ones to begin with deteriorate more but strong ones stay strong. Well, spousal relationships aside but the rest, all is well.

Well kind of like say your kids DID find out - they would have to think, "We we gonna quit loving our dad cause of how he dresses?"

I don't know, I guess i just try to help people realize that our friends and family love us more than we think.

I have three young sons, with the oldest just entering puberty. I haven't told them what dad does, but i do plan to have that talk with each of them at the appropriate time. I have no idea what I am going to say, but that will come in time. My concern is my ex, who agreed to a divorce when she decided she was a lesbian. My boys already have a somewhat confusing home life. And I am worried that if she finds out about my cd, that she may let it slip in front of them. (my cd started after the divorce). I never felt the need for therapy, but as i go further with my dressing, I realize that it is confusing for me sometimes. Therapy can help, and the girls here are right. You need to find one that has a better grasp on the situation than a priest, or preacher, or other kind of church member. I wish you luck with your relationship with your son and wife. I hope the therapy will help them to understand, what we try to understand each and every day.

You are in a terrible position as a husband and father. And I dought you would want to use my country and old style remedy for this problem. But to make a quick stab at it, first me and the wife would discuss her dession to tell the boy in the first place, because this may or maynot clear up a big part of it that would deffenantly affect hers and my further life together. Then I would seat the young man down and he could air his side and explain would obsessed him to make such blatant statements while living under my roof. After his explaination if he was apologentic enough to satify me he would be indocratated into the world of an adult. And his new rules would be layed out all of which would be non negosible and have the same consiquence on failure to follow. And then if he was not in a like mind to retract and appoligize the end results would be the same, he would be evected imediately and her too if she didn't like it or at least surport my decission. I know later on the judge may evect me and she could let him back in if she wanted to, but in the mean time I would be preparing my exit plan. That's just me though and no-one accused me of being overly understanding or politically correct!

It seems like others are recommending family therapy, which could be a good idea. Many people think that crossdressing can be "cured" by various means. In family therapy your wife and son may learn more about you and your feminine side, that it's something you were born with, that will never go away, and to supress your feelings will only make them stronger. If they agree to counseling with you, they might a more sensitive and caring side of you as well. Tread lightly, don't insist on dressing, but let lifes natural course steer you.

It would be in your best interest to find out exactly what she told him and how. At least in my case people don't "get it" until they've seen pictures of me. Then they realize it isn't some lingerie, sexual thing and more of a deeper thing. I don't know if he's had a fundamentalist type religious upbringing or not. If so, he may not be capable of thinking outside that little box. Good luck!


I raised my kids to be intelligent, kind, accepting individuals. Both my son and daughter have done me proud and accept both sides of me. I think they're the rule rather than the exceptions.

Jennifer,

I am really sorry to hear about you son. I have had the same issue in my house. My daughter found out about Robyn about 6 years ago, then she went off to college. At the time she found out about Robyn she was kewl but did not want to see her. Over the past 6 years, she has flipped 100%. She does not like that I dress and that I go out as Robyn. I know she has talked with my older son about Robyn, and he shared with his girl friend who said she would never want to meet me, would never let me see any grand children. People flip and in my case my kids have flipped big time.

I am considering counseling but for me, not for anybody else. I am not sure how they will deal with me if I come out as TG???

Jennifer, if you want to talk, just drop me a PM because I feel your pain!

Challenge your wife and and son to join you in therapy, as Jennifer suggests.

Jenny, sounds as if your son is not accepting of alternative lifestyles. Or maybe just doesn't want to accept it because your his father. You need to keep the lines of communication open with him and your wife. Ask him why he thinks it's "disgusting". Make it clear you are still the same as you have always been. If you do seek therapy, make sure you find a doctor who is qualified in gender related issues,NOT the local pastor! It will be a learning experience for your wife and son as well. Any therapist worth his salt will tell them that you are doing nothing wrong and cannot change what you are. Hope it all works out for you hun. Best wishes and hugs,Tonya

Just make sure the Therapist is one of Your choosing...and that They go with you ..


Christa

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Originally Posted by Jenniferx

So my wife is confiding in my son that I crossdressed while they were away

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Hi Jennifer

What's going on with the wife that she did not check in with you regarding telling any of your children? Are there other issues involved?
This is going to be a good one to get out of, Sit down with your son and talk with him about yourself.

Thera

Like most here I also would suggest therapy for everyone. Being in the ministry myself I would also warn against most pastors or similar. It would just become a beat up on you session. Find someone who truly understands this issue. Maybe they both will be more understanding. It's a problem for me if my wife told my child without discussing it with me or giving me the heads up. For me that would be as painful as a son being disgusted with me. As for your son Franlee has a point. Unless he is in high school he's old enough to be out on his own. I know I would not continue to support my adult child who was disgusted with me. Each is entitled to their own opinion and I would give him time to come around but if he couldn't at least be tolerant I don't feel the obligation to pay for his scorn and contempt in my own home.

Hopefully therapy would be a big help to all concerned.

AnitaH

Jenn, I see a bigger problem than your son finding out. Why would your "wife" tell him? Is she your ex? U didn't explain this in your post. If you're NOT separated or she's your ex, why would she betray u that way?

I think SHE needs therapy more than u or your son! To do such a despicable thing!

I think the advice is out there.
A family therapy session with a X dressing knowledgeable therapist.
It would be good to find out why your wife spilled the beans, and in what situation.
So read all the alternatives given before making a decision
You do have to confront it and not sweep it under the carpet.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferx

Well my heart was broken last week when my son (19) announced that Mom told me what you did last weekend Dad, and I'm disgusted by you. So my wife is confiding in my son that I crossdressed while they were away, and he says he 's disgusted and hates me. ................

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Important information has been left out:

Do you and "Mom" live together as a couple? Are you married to each other? Does "Mom" approve of your crossdressing, tolerate it, or dissaprove of it? Does your son still live at home? Are you supporting him or has he begun his adult life (job, home, etc.)?

If my wife told anyone about my dressing without my approval, I would be upset with her. Very upset. Of course, you can't control what other people do, but I would let her know how much she hurt me by doing this without my consent.

You son knows at this point. He's already "disgusted", you can't roll back the clock and change that. He will either begin to accept and understand you or he will pull away from his crossdressing father.

It's up to you and only you to choose to stop crossdressing or continue. Therapy may help them to understand why you do it (if they go to the therapist), but if it's not going to make you stop and they won't go, it's a waste of time and money.

Perhaps therapy is a good thing here. It will help them discover more about you and perhaps come to understand that this is not something that "goes away" but that is part of what makes us who we are.

I fear that your Son got involved in A Classic Dilemma that we normally see with divorced couples.

During their conversation, Mom probably sent The Message: "If you love me, you have to decide that your Father is bad! There is no Choice!" It's a "forced choice" and the relationship between the two of you, and his relationship with his Mother are two different things. But, I'm betting she pushed him into making that choice. He's 19, and technically an adult, but he's probably ill-equipped to make such an adult decision as "separating behaviors from love and acceptance of The Whole Person." And, realizing that you are not a perfect human being.

You already got The Best Advise. Try to find a Therapist skilled in Gender Issues. But, I warn you that it will probably have one of two outcomes. I have a feeling that once other people find out it's not about playing The Blame Game, they will either change their opinion, or behave like children and walk away from trying to work out The Problems.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Without question the therapy will be helpfull, but only if they attend and get the education they really need.

Jenniferathome had a simple and great reply. I look at my son and daughter and know I would be in for some of the same initial reactions. My son is extreemly conservative, my daughter conservative herself, but accepting of others. I think whe you are seeing at the moment is initial reaction, from being startled by what your wife told them. She may have been well meaning, may have been trying to force you to stop. Either way, a therapist that specialzes in transgender issues is your best bet, and getting them involved at the proper time also. Best wishes going ahead

My sincere thanks to you all for your words of encouragement and advice. I have started the search for a good therapist with transgender experience (seems there are many in my area). I'm sure that the results will NOT be what my wife would like, and we'll have to deal with that as it comes. I've come too far to go backwards now, I really need to be true to myself and hopefully do as little harm as possible to my loved ones.
Jenn

Hey Jenny,
Therapies ok, but it certainly will NOT stop you from dressing! Your son needs to get over the disgusting bit too and realize this is who you are and how you express yourself. I wish you a lot of luck with it, it's not an easy road but it's one that's definitely worthwhile for you.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferx

My sincere thanks to you all for your words of encouragement and advice. I have started the search for a good therapist with transgender experience (seems there are many in my area). I'm sure that the results will NOT be what my wife would like, and we'll have to deal with that as it comes. .............

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And that's the problem with therapists and counselors. You believe it's OK to crossdress, your wife does not. If the therapist seems to take your side, your wife will tune him or her out. If the therapist seems to take her side, you will tune him or her out.

Basically, you're looking for a therapist to convince your wife that it's OK to crossdress. She will be looking for one who says it's not.

Sorry to hear you son took it the way he did, but I would be taking my anger out on the wife, that no business telling him in the first place. I'd be looking for a good lawyer not a therapist, but then that may come later after your wife learns that therapy will not "cure" you, but make you even more open and honest with yourself. Even my ex wife would not do a thing like that!

Hi Linda,
Well not exactly. After all I have been at this journey a long time. Crossdressing while I love it (obviously), it has cost me so much in terms of lost relationships with people I care deeply about. WE can say it's all on them, screw them if they can't except, but it's not so black and white. So I don't expect the therapist to try to side one way or another, I can't stop, 50 years of this has taught me that. My wife and son may get some clarity I can't give them, I don't know....my wife may decide to leave if I can't be cured, I don't know, my son may forever hold me in his disgust, I just don't know. But I do know I will feel better to have talked to someone about all this, my buried pain from disappointing loved ones just being the beginning. I also know I'm not the type of person that hates, I don't abandon, I will love my wife and son, even for all their in tolerances, even for her conspiring to stop me. They are not mean people, they just want something that can't happen.

BTW- my wife has known about my desire to crossdress since before we married, she is not supportive and very against it. She has caught me several times, she has left me and come back many times too. My son like wise has caught me as a teen, found my clothes etc. So it wasn't as if my wife outed me, he knew already. I've been trying to find some way for my wife to accept even some little part of me, so I'm sure she reacted to it by trying to gain my son's support with her thinking. I don't think she was happy with my son's attack however.
Jenn

It wasn't her place to tell your son about your crossdressing. It should have come from you when you felt were ready to.
Perhaps therapy is the best thing so that the three of you can sit together and talk this through so you can hear it from all sides and then they will hopefully see that this is a part of who you are and not something you can just forget about in a flash.
I havent dressed in a year and a half since i purged last year down to pressure from my family but this is a part of me and i still think about it all the time.

Give your son a bit of time though as he is still young and probably struggling to come to terms that his father who he has looked up to all his life likes to dress as a woman and feels like he is losing you which is not true at all. Everyone no matter who they are has both a masculine and a feminine side.

I wish you all the best

Jen xxx

Jenn,

You are right that there are some good gender therapists in your area. I met one at the Tri-Ess meeting when I lived in Michigan. The leader of the Tri-Ess group was studying for a MSW with emphasis on gender issues so she could also help you find one. PM me if you want more information.

I would suggest that the key is for you to get you and your wife in couple's therapy with a gender therapist. If you need or want to see a therapist for alone for your own good, it should be a different therapist. The couples therapist should help you and your wife understand each other's issues and hopefully come to a mutual understanding so you can stay married.

Good luck.

Leann

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Originally Posted by Jenniferx

Well my heart was broken last week when my son (19) announced that Mom told me what you did last weekend Dad, and I'm disgusted by you. So my wife is confiding in my son that I crossdressed while they were away, and he says he 's disgusted and hates me. The both want me to seek therapy to stop. I've come so far standing up for myself recently that this hurts me so much, I need to express my feminine side, not surpress it as I have tried to do in the past. I don't mind the idea of therapy, but I know they think it will help me stop, far from it, I think if I was true to myself I'd be Jennifer more, not less. Any advice, especially from those with sons would be welcomed- I'm just so destroyed by this now.
Jenny

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Hello Jennifier,

As is my usual practice, I will call things as I see them.

It sounds to me that there are problems with your marriage. That was a dirty trick by your wife. She may be trying to hang a guilt trip on you about the crossdressing.

I would agree to therapy, provided the therapist has previous experience with gender issues, and everybody participates.

This is a family issue, and nobody is exempt from responsibility. The crossdressing issue may be a convenient scapegoat for other problems.

I think most of us know that crossdressing cessation therapy is unlikely to be successful in the long term. I wouldn't put up with any reparative therapy, as this is proven to be ineffectual, often doing more harm than good. In fact, would go as far as asking for proof of efficacy (does it work?) in the form of peer-reviewed research papers from a therapist who practises this kind of 'therapy'.

Someone or a group of people has/have convinced your son that crossdressing is disgusting. His reaction to your crossdressing is prejudice, which, as I have mentioned in other threads, is entirely a learned behavior.

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my buried pain from disappointing loved ones

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You would have to have done something wrong to disappoint a loved one
You have done nothing wrong

You should be disappointed in your wife's actions and your sons reaction

I fear that agreeing to therapy would be taken as admitting you have done something wrong
maybe your wife and son should go to diversity acceptance therapy first

Best of luck to you

I have marriage problems and a wife that threatens to out me to my sons and friends
I may be also in your situation in the near future

It sounds to me like your wife simply recruited an ally in her war on your crossdressing and egged him into attacking you with his statement.

Counseling is only useful if all persons involved are willing to listen. I very much doubt that your wife and son are willing. They might seem willing, but as soon as they find out that the goal isn't to "cure" you they will find a reason to drop out.

What is your son's status in your household? Are you supporting him? He's an adult, but if you're paying the bills then he can't find you too "disgusting!"