A question ....

Why do CDers need their wives to accept what they do? Is it an imperitive part of CDing that means you can never be happy without your wifes approval, or is it so that you have more opportunity to dress and can also progress onto wearing womens clothes more often and make up etc .... and 'going out' ...?

Or is it so that you can experience heightened sexual arousal with your wife while you are dressed?

I know we are all individuals and there will be plenty of different views on this ...

Look forward to your replies :)

I think it also because you can confide and be comfortable with someone you care deeply about.
Also all of things you mention - the thought of being able to dress more often is very exciting as is the thought of sleeping together dressed.

After her becoming acceptance of my dressing. We have had a lot of fun together ,more if it out in the public. She always had a hard time keeping girlfriends, this way we both can actually relax and just have some fun. Having a frined to hang out with "rocks" someone you can ask any question and get a honest answer. If you look crazy you know for sure shes gonna tell you cause she wont hang out with yah. Dressing has spiced up our life in the bedroom,not much else needs to be said on that hehe.
Renee

You listed three options that focus on the CDrs needs or desires. There's also the SOs interests to be considered Acceptance doest imply always mean endorsement, but does suggest that the SO has jade an affirmative choice for the relationship. A lasting relationship depends upon some level of acceptance of each others differences, whether one views these as strengths, weaknesses or just personality quirks.

Never really had that need. MY GF is okay with who I am and what I do. She tells me I "clean up nicely" as Ericka and enjoys being with me en femme and dancing with me. The bottom line is that she knows I'm her man and that is what really counts Hon. ;):battingeyelashes::)

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

You listed three options that focus on the CDrs needs or desires. There's also the SOs interests to be considered Acceptance doest imply always mean endorsement, but does suggest that the SO has jade an affirmative choice for the relationship. A lasting relationship depends upon some level of acceptance of each others differences, whether one views these as strengths, weaknesses or just personality quirks.

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If I wanted to know what a GG felt about her SO telling her that he is a cder then I would have asked that question ....
The options I listed are my way of trying to understand (as a GG who has - just -accepted my SO cding) what cders feel about wives acceptance ... any other reasons from cders about their feelings will be gratefully received too :)

Acceptance would certainly make it easier to dress when you like, and to dress with someone for company. I think the underlying issue is just unburdening oneself to your loved one.

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Originally Posted by Kate Simmons

Never really had that need. MY GF is okay with who I am and what I do. She tells me I "clean up nicely" as Ericka and enjoys being with me en femme and dancing with me. The bottom line is that she knows I'm her man and that is what really counts Hon. ;):battingeyelashes::)

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That's a lovely answer Kate xx

Why is it important? Well. To start with it is a part of me like my hair color and my views on conspiracy theories. It makes up who I am and what I am about. No less no more then anything else. Hiding it, which I do not believe you can. Is futile. Your feelings on things and how who view the world come out all the time everyday. Take clothes for example and CDers. GDers Generally take a little more care in their appearance, IE cut and fit and color. Now whether you and your SO acknowledge this is another story. CDers have a better re-pore with women at parties and social events, generally speaking. The general public acknowledges it as " So and so's husband is so nice to talk to. He is so in tune with women's issues not just football. blah blah blah." Never realizing why that is. Now understand. Not every CDer is that way we are all different. I was just giving you an example of how it is hidden in plane sight.

Will I never be happy without my wife's approval? Probable not. I doubt we would be married, so she wouldn't be my wife. For the sake of this discussion. She is fully accepting and an active participant in going out or staying in.

Look. I hide myself and dealt with all the mental high and lows and shame and guilt for, right now, the vat majority of my life. When I got divorced from my first wife I took several years to get to really know myself. Who I was and what made me who I am including what made me happy. One of those things was getting my girly on, shopping, fashion and the softer side of life. So when I meet my current wife. I showed up at her house, after a night out in girly mode, with the tell tale traces of eye liner, finger nail polish on my fingers and toes, I mention toes because I had flip flops on. She had the opportunity to accept me as is, at the time, as a friend or throw me out. It was my way of saying this is who I am and what I am about. A DADT policy wasn't going to work in a marriage. In a friendship sure. Once again why I gave her the opportunity to throw me out. That we fell in love and where married was the best bonus of it all.

Is there a sexual component to it all? Yes, but it is minor. Being Natasha and making love with the wife is not something I actively fantasize about and the wife has never invited her into the bedroom. So no. It's not a real sexual thing any more then nothing and everything else is sexual if you want it to be. Food, movies, clothing, art etc etc

Hope this help you

Cheers

Thanks Natashia ... that really helps. ((hug))

Bluntly...
You need acceptance for a happy marriage with trust and devotion.
What is a marriage when having to hide secrets all the time an unable to share them.
The same goes for friendships.
There are a lot of bonuses with acceptance, and there is a lot of heartbreak with cheating and deceit.

I think the main benefit or the desire to go out is to make yourself feel more accepted, it feels as though you're more confident and what not. Gaining acceptance from your GF/Wife/W.e. is helpful. It means that you don't feel as though you're betraying or lying to them.

Without that approval and knowledge there is constant sneaking about, hiding and lying. All of this leads to too much guilt and too much of a strain on the marriage. Been there done that...
Fortunately in my case when I came clean I was given the opportunity to express all my feelings and through discussion and her open mind found my hiding all those years was not necessary.

Because she is my best friend. She accepts but does not actively participate and I'm OK with that.

Pretty much what Cheryl mentioned...the hiding and sneaking behind her back is definitely a strain on any marriage, no matter what you might be hiding.

I can attest to that, since my wife eventually discovered some things I'd left lying around and forced the truth out of me. Although her level of acceptance is still only a few degrees above ice cold, I do feel a sense of relief that at least I'm not hiding it from her.

Bo: I told her because I did not want to feel dishonest or guilty anymore. I was hiding a big part of me from her, which didn't seem good for our relationship long term. It seemed like we had become distant and I attribute part of that to me unconsciously transferring some of my frustration of not being able to dress onto her. That's certainly not healthy.

Plus I was doing stupid things like fishing her used pantyhose out of the trash, and hiding them in the liner of my carry-on suitcase. I'm sure I would have been caught at some point, and toward the end I probably wanted to be caught so could come clean. If I had not told her, I think we would have been headed for divorce.

Once I faced my fears of embarrassment and the possibility I would lose her, and found the courage to come clean, it was important for me to have her accept this strange new development. You are correct, I wanted her approval so i could actually indulge in a fantasy that had been impossible for years. I still can't believe I can shave my legs, buy / wear high heels and hose, and my wife knows about it! I never dreamed she would give me that level of approval...where she is a willing participant and has indicated is is good for our sex lives. So yes, heightened arousal is an element, one she also appreciates because the spark had almost gone out. I had hoped for her blessing for my selfish gratification, but beyond that I wanted her approval so that I knew we were OK as a couple. I didn't want to lose her over this, and had she not approved, I would have tried to negotiate some sort of DADT relationship. And had she said no altogether, I probably would have stopped for the sake of our marriage and the children.

Her approval has not been without limits. She doesn't let me wear the heels to bed, and they do make her shake her head a bit. For some reason, shaved and moisturized legs in the sheerest hose, with a ladies satin robe doesn't freak her out, but when I put on the stilettos she thinks it's too feminine. So, I don't strut around in them when she is in the room. The fact that she was Ok with me purchasing them was enough for me. To answer your other question, I don't think her approval is going to progress to being fully clothed, going out, etc., and I am OK with that.

The fact that my wife knows adds to the thrill for me, definitely. Going out to dinner underdressed with hose was very, very sensual and stimulating for both of us.

I don't NEED her to accept, but I am extremely grateful she does. Of course, my wife and I are new to this. From what I read here, SOs frequently change their minds. I suppose we'll see how it goes.

For me acceptance means accepting the whole person for who they are. The more intimate the relationship (talking about emotional intimacy) the more open and honest I want to be with them. Having to keep part of myself hidden from people who are close to me means there is a wall between us. For me that's not a good way to have an intimate relationship with anyone. Don't most people want acceptance, especially from an SO? It's about freedom to be who you are. It can be a very vulnerable state to be in, for both parties in the case of something like crossdressing, which is not well-understodd by most people and not accepted by some (many?). :)

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Originally Posted by Bo-peep

Why do CDers need their wives to accept what they do? Is it an imperitive part of CDing that means you can never be happy without your wifes approval, or is it so that you have more opportunity to dress and can also progress onto wearing womens clothes more often and make up etc .... and 'going out' ...?

Or is it so that you can experience heightened sexual arousal with your wife while you are dressed?

I know we are all individuals and there will be plenty of different views on this ...

Look forward to your replies :)

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It's simply that I love my wife and wish to have no secrets. For me there is no point sharing my life with someone if they don't know the real me.

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Originally Posted by becky77

it's simply that i love my wife and wish to have no secrets. For me there is no point sharing my life with someone if they don't know the real me.

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great answer ... Envious relationship

I am overwhelmed by the response and want to thank you all so much for putting your feelings down here for me.

My concerns are that, while I accept certain aspects of my SO cding, I am anxious that the more I accept, the further he will want to go; I can handle him cding at home and in bed, but dread him wanting to go out.

Maybe I am worrying about things that may never happen ... and maybe I should try to live in the 'here and now'

Hi
The acceptance part was critical for myself as CDing has a lot of emotional baggage attached and my life was a lie without telling her. Having a shoulder to cry on and allowing your most loved one in was imperative, let her know who I was in full. Was the best move ever as well as scariest as hair / make up tips and girlie nights in are great
Luv
S

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Originally Posted by Bo-peep

I am overwhelmed by the response and want to thank you all so much for putting your feelings down here for me.

My concerns are that, while I accept certain aspects of my SO cding, I am anxious that the more I accept, the further he will want to go; I can handle him cding at home and in bed, but dread him wanting to go out.

Maybe I am worrying about things that may never happen ... and maybe I should try to live in the 'here and now'

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Your fears are understandable. I think the key is to keep communicating with each other. It's a two-way street, as they say. People do change and grow. That's part of being alive. But if you keep the lines of communication open that should cut down on the risk of surprises along the way.

Best wishes! You sound like you're trying to do your best for both you and your SO.

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Originally Posted by becky77

It's simply that I love my wife and wish to have no secrets. For me there is no point sharing my life with someone if they don't know the real me.

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I also think Becky had the best answer. It is just the right thing to do. It isn't sexual for me at all, it's just a lot of fun sharing and spending time with my wife. If it does go further for you, you may be pleasantly surprised. Steph.

After seeing the negative things that happen without sharing and acceptance from the SO (family members not myself) it is not a result I want personally. If my girlfriend didn't approve and support me in what I do in this regard we likely wouldn't be together. I would feel like I was hiding from her and that never ends well in my experience. Being able to share "EVERYTHING" is part of what makes a relationship strong from what I've seen. Doing something behind someone's back doesn't usually work out well when they find out.

I have had many years of off and on "acceptance" and it has always stayed at home and in the bed. We are currently at nonacceptance and don't bring it up at all and it really sucks. I think her biggest fear is how far will it go and wanting to go out. After all these years, she understands what dressing does for me and would love to make me happy. She just doesn't want to lose me despite my assurances. She knows I would love to experience some things out there in the world (groups,etc.) and thats what turns her off. She wants a man in her life and wants a man to be turned on by her. She is afraid that I only love her because I am so different when I am dressed. She wants no one to find out, nor do I. Probably her biggest fear. mine to.

Anyways, get it all out there. If you have accepeted it to this point, I know your SO does not want to lose that. But your So needs to be completely honest so you can be honest write back. At least you both know where you stand. It sucks for me. You seem like you are pretty awesome to begin with. Good Luck!

Hi Bo, Everyone needs to feel acceptance not lonelyness.

I don't think acceptance is required, but tolerance is. I had real trouble concealing a part of myself from my wife; I felt like I had to be on guard so as not to say or do something that might give up my secret, and this definitely hampered our emotional intimacy. Once I came clean, it was possible to just be, and we have grown much closer as a result. Now I should point out that just because my guard is no longer up, it does not mean I'm wandering around in a pink fog. I am still careful not to bring up CDing when I know she's had a bad day, and I make sure that our lives don't revolve around it. We have simply found a way to be that works for us.

Would I love for her to "accept" more? Sure! Why, you ask? Well, as it stands, when I CD it takes me away from her, and that's the part I like least about it. If she was more accepting then it could be something we do together. But do I need this? No. I am fortunate to have her, so I accept that she cannot be too involved with the CDing, and she accepts that I occasionally need time to myself to CD. In the end, I don't think its that different from a wife who has a husband who is an avid golfer or hunter (when she is not).

From my point of view I needed my wife to accept it simply just so that I could do it, so it seemed like a sensible thing to do ,(I tell her she accepts it so that I can wear what I like) seemed like sense to me , but at that time I only liked to wear skirts and the underwear which she already knew about so I thought what the heck skirts are just a small step forward , I innocently thought " what is wrong with a man wanting to wear skirts."
Although I guess it was a selfish reason I had little knowledge or hindsight of what the desire to wear woman's clothes really meant to me or what it would come to mean to me so I guess that if I had not had her acceptance (eventually) I would have led a very unhappy life ( I am not all selfish as I would have rather not done it and been unhappy if that is what made my wife happy) even thought my reason for telling her was a bit selfish and I would not go beyond what is comfortable for her which incidentally she now is completely accepting of who/what I am , but I have never tested her limits ( but she quite often tests mine):o
So to be happy yes I did need to tell her in hoping that she would accept it but at the same time if she did accept it I was willing to keep it under controle .

Bo-peep, My wife and I have always shared our feelings, quirks and kinks, before and after our wedding. CD'ing has always been a part of our life. As it has become more and more important to me she has always been accepting supportive and a participant. She has had her limits as to how "OUT" in public, she is comfortable with, I respect her limits. CD'ing has never been part of the bedroom, she was traumatized by a female cousin when she was younger, she does appreciate both of her friends (me & me ) she lives with.

Nicely said, Beverley - that's really the essence of it!

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Originally Posted by Beverley Sims

Bluntly...
You need acceptance for a happy marriage with trust and devotion.
What is a marriage when having to hide secrets all the time an unable to share them.
The same goes for friendships.
There are a lot of bonuses with acceptance, and there is a lot of heartbreak with cheating and deceit.

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I recently heard something on the radio that really struck a chord. A MTF TS was asked how her personality was affected as she went through her transition. She said that while she felt she was the same person, the biggest change was that she went from "someone who has a secret" to "someone who doesn't have a secret". OMG! Right on, sister! That's what I have needed all along from my SO: to know that this is the real me, whether I have on a dress or, ugh, a pair of pants.

Reading through your replies has given me a great deal to think about. Overall I am thrilled to see so many sensitive, loving, loyal people being able to talk about their feelings and in so doing, giving me an insight into how I can be supportive and accepting without losing 'myself' in the process :)

Well, apart from the fact that my ex hated, it, hated me, found herself a 'real man' to have sex with instead of me (not to mention having sex with a woman, maybe to see if that was something she'd like), divorcing me and blackmailing me over the crossdressing, emptying our bank accounts pre-emptively, and systematically making sure that all the debt was in my name, I guess there's no reason at all that a man should want his wife to be accepting of who and what he is.

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Originally Posted by Bo-peep

Reading through your replies has given me a great deal to think about. Overall I am thrilled to see so many sensitive, loving, loyal people being able to talk about their feelings and in so doing, giving me an insight into how I can be supportive and accepting without losing 'myself' in the process :)

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Dear God that is awful. I guess there are a great many wives who use cding as ammunition. ((hug))

To be accepted? would make me feel good about my self. It would make life a lot easer. We just want to be loved.

First, I don't want to hide this from my (currently imaginary) GF/fiancée/wife. Secrets of this magnitude tend to grate at the person holding the secret, and the other person in the relationship can often sense there is something going on.

Second, her tolerance defuses at least somewhat a point of conflict. I dislike and tend to shy away from conflict.

Third, it can draw the two participants closer. Some like it and are willing to participate, while others see the benefits to the CD and accept their SO as they are. Mutual acceptance is one of the biggest gifts the participants can give each other, IMHO.

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Originally Posted by Beverley Sims

Bluntly...
You need acceptance for a happy marriage with trust and devotion.
What is a marriage when having to hide secrets all the time an unable to share them.
The same goes for friendships.
There are a lot of bonuses with acceptance, and there is a lot of heartbreak with cheating and deceit.

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For a happy marriage, I would also add mutual respect and a lot of communication. It is awful interacting with people you do not respect or who do not respect you.

In my case, Bo, it means I don't have to hide my Amy-self from my fiancee. I can dress when I feel like it, and have progressed even to getting out as Amy a couple of times. She doesn't mind; in fact, she will critique my look (generally favorably) and give me tips. When we're out shopping, she'll help find clothes or cosmetics that would look good on Amy. Even while we were going to that wedding yesterday, she would tell me about all the techniques she used and shades she picked for her makeup, knowing I would learn from that. There's no sexual component involved; she isn't into that sort of thing. But I certainly wouldn't be the woman I am today without her acceptance. :)

- Amy

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Originally Posted by Bo-peep

Why do CDers need their wives to accept what they do? Is it an imperitive part of CDing that means you can never be happy without your wifes approval, or is it so that you have more opportunity to dress and can also progress onto wearing womens clothes more often and make up etc .... and 'going out' ...?

Or is it so that you can experience heightened sexual arousal with your wife while you are dressed?

I know we are all individuals and there will be plenty of different views on this

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All of the above:heehee:
But since she didn't accept this part of me she decided she didn't want any part of me(sad if you ask me) but now this isn't an issue since we've parted.:sad: