Wife is "putting up" with me?

Okay now I have a serious problem here girls... My wife it would seem is only tolerating me being more feminine, but that's not what she's attracted to... On one hand, I can't help what I am, but on the other hand, I don't want to lose her. Is there perhaps middle ground we can find?

It would appear the biggest issue is my new project to grow my boobs. She isn't too happy about that, even though I already told her what I intend to do. She's very curious as to why I want them and simply put, to be more girlie! Well that, and I they make me feel sexy! (I'm up to an A cup at this point.)

I'm just about at my wit's end with this thing and would really like some advice. I don't want a divorce you understand and I can't seem to get it through to her that I don't want to be a real woman, but just like assuming that role at times...

maybe instead of growing your own just use forms. She may not want to be married to a woman or even a part woman. Ask her what she thinks about it.

[SIZE="3"]Why would you want to "grow boobs" if you just like "assuming that role at times"? I'd be concerned too if I were her. If you really don't want a divorce then you might want to start listening to her and not just telling her what you intend to do. Maybe full-time boobs on you aren't "sexy" to her.[/SIZE]

Hi Betty, I can understand your SOs concerns with you wanting to grow your own boobs. That's a big step and she may feel she is losing her man. Maybe you could get her to visit here and talk to GGs and other CDs to get a better understanding perhaps? Good luck though I hope you can resolve this positively for the both of you.

Charlotte

the big issue you are having is not growing 'boobs', but more about your using "I" 10 times in your post. If everything is about what you want, then prepare for the worse.

Growing breasts looks like a one way trip, from what I've read. I agree with the last 2 posts about listening to your wife.

Forms are better IMO, if only because you can change sizes... The only reason I can think of to grow your own is if you're planning on transitioning. And if you are, you NEED to have that talk with your wife.

Been there, dear. I have an idea. I do not look at all like a woman, but have learned that it's not about the outside, but the inside. That sounds cliche, but it's true. What I'm getting at is this; my SO and I have arrived at what for me is a wonderful compromise. She knows about Lisa and is not thrilled. Now, even though I don't have frilly dresses, makeup, and heels (not that I wear out), I am in a place that is wonderful for me. She accepts without complaint that I wear women's pants, socks, and even tops. Though they aren't the frilly, flowery things of my fantasies, I love that I can wear Gloria Vanderbilt and Chic jeans, and women's slacks and tops in public, even at work. It's not flamboyant and I don't look like Barbie, but it's also not dull and drab like I would normally associate with "androgyny". It doesn't draw much attention, but satisfies my Lisa side, and keeps her from feeling as though she is some sort of pseudo lesbian.

I mean, if you have already let her in on the fact that you want boobs, surely this idea wouldn't be too much to approach. It keeps me happy, and able to please her in our relationship without going to the extreme either way. See, before we were together, I wore bras and panties under my clothes, painted my toenails, shaved my legs, underarms and chest, and spent a great deal of my time at home entirely "en femme". I don't any longer do all of those things. But feel more like the woman I wished I had been all along, and actually even more so now. Deciding to scale back on the outward manifestations of girlishness has made me more secure about the intrinsic femininity I possess, and has actually made me more at peace, and I am in what I consider a fairly healthy though not perfect relationship. It's give and take, and I don't get *all* I want, but then when does? Hope this helps. And my ramblings have given me an idea that I'd like to discuss when I can figure out where to post it.

Hope that helped some. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Lisa

On ebay is were I've bought breast forms before. I even see two things of interest. One is like a bra with straps and all sizes of what are almost identical to genetic breasts. They have the same weight and feeling. That might be a better start to have her get used to the idea but also be able to take them off and not have at a permanent part of you yet. Also seen a skin suit from Japan that looks a little rough but is kind of interesting. I digress, your telling her what you want without asking what she wants. Maybe start there. It sounds as if you might be journeying forward on your own. Your wife may actually go along in the end with you if you make her part of the progression. I'm sure just as alone as you have felt she now feels the same way. Imagine if she said I wanted to grow a penis or she wanted to join a club a male only club and trans herself. Now you would be the outsider. I'm not judging what your trying to do. I know that we only have a short time here and as we get older knowing that time limited we begin to have a stronger urge to be who we want to be. If you want to go forward and tell her that your moving forward with the breasts whether she likes it or not I would be preparing myself for the possibility of losing her. At least in involving her you can look back and say you tried.

Very well put!!! :)

I must be way new to this. I thought, short of surgery or prescribed hormones as part of a transition, that "growing boobs" was only the stuff of TG fiction. :doh:

As for the predicerment, I'd defer to the more experienced folks on here in regards to CD in particular. I will say, though, that when my own wife begins to apply terms like "putting up with it" to something, it's usually a sign that it's gone far enough, and that it's close to being something she WON'T put up with anymore. Tread carefully.

Alright thank you so much girls! I may have to go the route of LisaSue here, although Ashmad77 over there brings up some good points as well. Anyway, I'm thinking involving her would be a much better idea... Now I know I'm going to have to have a talk with her, although after some light inquisitive "recon", I have determined that I'm not quite ready for that yet... But on the plus side, this whole thing has blown open some new concerns for yours truly! What do I really want? I do want to grow (small) breasts as they make me feel sexy and they feel great, but at the same time, I don't want to lose her? After some thought, I believe she can come around to the idea anyway as I've noted that she likes to squeeze them and spank them at times. And so it seems she could grow to like the idea? Although for obvious reasons, I'll want to switch to XL sized shirts for "man mode" and be careful when hugging grandma!

Anyway, I really should elaborate. Now she sent me an email with grievances in them. I have made a list of these grievances with reasonable compromises and rebuttals. When I'm fully ready to do this, I believe that I should email her this list...

I learned a long time ago that you need to compromise a lot in a marriage, both sides. If you are interested in being somewhat feminine, then anything your wife agrees to is a compromise for her. You'll have to learn to be understanding of her feeling and needs.

So very true, Dana. And any compromise is a wonderful thing, and more than she owes us, unless of course she knew all about our issues before signing on to the marriage/relationship.

IMHO for a lot of women, growing your own (real) boobs is going to be a very big deal. I mean, even my wife, who IMHO is one of THE MOST accepting, encouraging and supportive women in the world when it comes to having a partner who is TG (she's even the VP of TG support group) .. even she would have issues with me wanting to grow my own real boobs. Why? ... because this (IMHO) takes things "to the next level" .. it's not just assuming the role of a woman, it's not just being girly, it's potentially the "thin end of the wedge" when it comes to transitioning. I can't tell you how many times I have heard stories that, when it comes to marriage, CDing is one thing ... but showing signs of transitioning (or perceived transitioning) when CDing is a completely different story for most wives.

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Originally Posted by Betty_42

It would appear the biggest issue is my new project to grow my boobs. She isn't too happy about that, even though I already told her what I intend to do. She's very curious as to why I want them and simply put, to be more girlie! Well that, and I they make me feel sexy! (I'm up to an A cup at this point.)

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What if she wanted to grow a penis? Would you be ok with that?

Betty, welcome to the wrold that most CD's who stay married live in, tolerance can work for you, but you have to dceide what you want more, boobs or your wife. It's usuallya big, big turnoff for most women (just the dressing), and the boobs for women who are not bi or lesbian are next to impossible to accept. I'm betting you value your marriage more, so go with the advice about forms, but don't wear them around your wife until you are 100% sure it isn't going to cause repercussions.

Sweep the real boobs under the carpet for now and go with the silicone.
This way you stay happily married and you have a chance to move on later.
If your psychiatrist recommends hormones for some reason or other you will have a lot to consider in the marriage stakes.

Does anyone else find this whole thing suspect? The language is deliberately provocative. He is growing breasts by some mysterious unexplained method that doesn't match any situation I have heard of. He keeps bringing up even more outrageous stuff (email grievance negotiations?).

I think we are being trolled.

Moderator note:

This thread is running right to the edge of the rule prohibiting discussion of non-surgical breast enhancement. Let's keep this discussion about the OP's relationship with his wife. If it strays into forbidden territory I will have to close or delete the thread.

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Originally Posted by Elizabeth Ann

Does anyone else find this whole thing suspect? The language is deliberately provocative. He is growing breasts by some mysterious unexplained method that doesn't match any situation I have heard of. He keeps bringing up even more outrageous stuff (email grievance negotiations?).

I think we are being trolled.

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Funny,I thought that from the beginning as it was way too vague for someone seeking help.

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Originally Posted by Betty_42

It would appear the biggest issue is my new project to grow my boobs. She isn't too happy about that, ...

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And this surprises you because....? Your wife does not want to be with a woman. come on! You have more than many here. You are open with your cross dressing. But, you are in a relationship. You can't just do what you want. You are part of a team. Think of her.

Apparently, 1 in 3 men eventually develop gynecomastia. It is also common among some teenage boys (much to their embarrassment), although this early development often dissipates with age. Gynecomastia is a natural consequence of putting on weight and if you google it, there are other medical conditions that can contribute. It is so common, that there are lots of sites advertising surgery to get rid of them! So in all the talk in this forum about CDers having this size or that size "breasts" (that is no longer allowed ... thanks Erin for pointing that out), really is it nothing more than the natural consequence of males who are getting older, especially if they are putting on weight?

If you stop referring to them as breasts, and if you begin to think of them as the natural consequence of getting older, then maybe your wife won't object so much. As to your wife, if she is hetero and she married a man, I do not blame her for not being keen on your wanting a woman's body. If it starts with breasts, how far will it eventually go?

IMO if you are transsexual and you do eventually want to transition, you should be honest about this with your wife NOW. And then the two of you can make plans for your respective futures, if she is not willing to be married to a woman.

As others have said, ask your wife to talk at length. But not just about what you want. Ask and listen to her questions, concerns, fears and preferences. And try to find some common ground. Growing boobs without her consent is sure to test her tolerance!

I think it's time to pause a moment and reflect on the flexibility she has already extended..I mean you did state that you don't want to loose her and many wives might easily be contacting an attorney at this point.If you love someone,you usually care enough not to send them over the edge.

To be fair, Betty referred to the wife 7 times (wife, she, her) and "we" once. That's a reasonable balance to using "I" 10 times.
But Betty asked for middle ground advice. Here's mine: be her man, the one she married, when not in girl mode. You can be as girly as you want to be when in girl mode. The problem with this is growing boobs. The solution, as others suggested, is fake boobs.
I see a contradiction, Betty. Growing boobs for "wanting to be more girly", and not wanting to be a woman, just assuming the role at times. I don't think you can have it both ways.
So, fake boobs to assume the role of a woman but a complete return to being a man, - or - be honest with her if you don't really want to be a man. Then you can grow your boobs - without her.

This is both complicated and extremely simple. The simple part is that if you value your relationship then it's the relationship that comes first, hopefully with each partner working equally toward the relationship.

The complicated part is how to do that, but if each personal desire is thought about in the context of "WE", and if the discussion of that personal desire is a mutual one to the benefit of both, the complication reduces.

There is nothing more heartening than a wife who understands that you have a feminine side and works to make that feminine side a part of the relationship. There are rewards for everyone in this understanding. Above all, don't be selfish and don't make her nervous about the fundamentals of your relationship....unless you want to end it!

Marriage is an on going series of negotiations and renegotiations. When you and your wife married, I must assume there were some boundaries, either stated or implied. If your wife is not accepting, not supportive, and, just tolerates your cross dressing, just how far do you think you can push any cross dressing issue? I think she did not sign on for this.

At best, I think you should abandon the 'growing breasts' fantasy. You and your wife need to sit down and discuss the entire cross dressing issue.

On the growing breasts issue, if you really want to grow some at your own peril, then consume vast quantities of mashed potatoes and gravy, pasta. sugary sweets and pop. I will guarantee you will grow nice boobs and fit into really plus size garments, including very sexy bras.

So you don't want to be a real woman , but as far as I know real women have breast's so how can you call this middle ground , try to look at it from your wife's point of view and then you might understand why she is not happy .

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Originally Posted by Elizabeth Ann

Does anyone else find this whole thing suspect?

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Nah, I just think it's funny that she talks about "growing" breasts as if it's the easiest thing in the world. I was on an extremely high HRT dosage for 18 months and I never got near as big as I see some of the CD's say they are 'naturally'. Most of us get them augmented because there is no way to "grow your own" with any predictability. ...I realize that none of this has anything to do with this particular discussion though. :-)

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Originally Posted by Betty_42

Okay now I have a serious problem here girls... My wife it would seem is only tolerating me being more feminine, but that's not what she's attracted to... On one hand, I can't help what I am, but on the other hand, I don't want to lose her. Is there perhaps middle ground we can find?

It would appear the biggest issue is my new project to grow my boobs. She isn't too happy about that, even though I already told her what I intend to do. She's very curious as to why I want them and simply put, to be more girlie! Well that, and I they make me feel sexy! (I'm up to an A cup at this point.)

I'm just about at my wit's end with this thing and would really like some advice. I don't want a divorce you understand and I can't seem to get it through to her that I don't want to be a real woman, but just like assuming that role at times...

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This isn't remotely hard to understand. Imagine if your wife started dressing like a lumberjack, maybe even trying to somehow get a beard. How attracted would you be to her, then? It's the same deal to her. There is no middle ground here. She's attracted to masculinity and you're not giving it off now. All you can do is either repress it, as you were doing, or end it. That's it. The only people whose marriages continue, I am fully convinced, the wife was bisexual or pansexual to some degree to begin with. Yours, clearly, is not. Good luck!

It would seem that you want to go beyond crossdressing into the realm of transexuality. It's difficult enough for most wives to accept their husband as a cross dresser, but even more difficult for them to accept their husband as a woman. My advice is to go to a therapist who is experienced with transgender issues and explore what it is you want---if you truely are a transexual, then the time has come to have a heart to heart with your spouse---I personally know of two marriages that lasted beyond the SRS stage--although the nature of the relationship changed from lovers and spouses, to spouses who are friends but seek their sexual pleasure elsewhere. I know of more marriages that ended when one spouse went through SRS-

--I had a good friend, now deceased, a TS. I commented once that it must have taken a lot of courage to go through SRS. She answered that it didn't--that she so desperatly wanted to be a women that she would have killed herself if the SRS option was not available. So if, infact, you truely are a TS, then you will have to come to grips with that reality and have the talk with your spouse--don't be suprised if its a deal breaker--if in fact you are a CD who just wants to look more femme, then go with the silicone breast forms--it will afford you more tranquility on the domestic front

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Originally Posted by Badtranny

Nah, I just think it's funny that she talks about "growing" breasts as if it's the easiest thing in the world. I was on an extremely high HRT dosage for 18 months and I never got near as big as I see some of the CD's say they are 'naturally'. Most of us get them augmented because there is no way to "grow your own" with any predictability. ...I realize that none of this has anything to do with this particular discussion though. :-)

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In a very general sense (there are always exceptions), it strikes me that transitioning TSs who want to be stealth, in addition to the muscle loss as the result of HRT, might be motivated to lose or not put on weight in order to fit better into women's sizes for their height? And so there would be fewer instances of gynecomastia, which is likely what many CDers have, who say they have "natural" breasts when they are not on a strict hormone regimen?

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Originally Posted by ReineD

In a very general sense (there are always exceptions), it strikes me that transitioning TSs who want to be stealth, in addition to the muscle loss as the result of HRT, might be motivated to lose or not put on weight in order to fit better into women's sizes for their height? And so there would be fewer instances of gynecomastia, which is likely what many CDers have, who say they have "natural" breasts when they are not on a strict hormone regimen?

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LOL, yes I understand exactly. I have been on a strict diet since the beginning so there is definitely no extra fat in the boobage area. Perhaps that's what the OP means by "growing"?

(Just got back!) Well I've been in the process of backtracking and repairing damage now and we're close again, and VERY affectionate. Now that said, I'm not going through traditional HRT, but rather a safer more natural alternative. Don't tell me phytoestrogens don't work as I'm quite literally living proof! It's also interesting that she seems to be growing fond of my little breasts now and actually enjoys resting her head on them. Unexpected, although certainly not unwelcome!

I also agree with most of the replies here that you should go have a good chat with her. Compromise as a couple. Working together is what makes relationships work. Like what Nicole mentioned, You should be thinking more of "we", than "her" and "I". (read this on some article about building relationships as well)

All the best!!
=^o^=

PS, I'm working on talking to my SO as well.... although mine is just on starting CD. I'm still pretty new. Ganbarimasyo! (lets work hard together!) ^.^

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Originally Posted by Kelly DeWinter

the big issue you are having is not growing 'boobs', but more about your using "I" 10 times in your post. If everything is about what you want, then prepare for the worse.

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Good call Kelly!