Ridiculed for being a H H

Hello all I am currently a house husband and my wife's family gives me stick for it and to be honest it annoys me greatly. First let me start by filling you all in on our situation. My wife and I both lived in London where we both had good jobs I worked in finance (commodities broker) and my wife a teacher. I got lucky with my job as most of my colleages had business degrees and I landed my job through a good sales record and have no qualifications. My wife has a degree in education and can work anywhere in the UK as a teacher. In the financial crash in 2008 I lost my job and the chance of me getting that sort of work again in London was almost impossible as there were more qualified brokers out of work that were looking for jobs that were very few and far between. So we decided to re locate to the south coast of the UK. We both decided that my wife would work as a teacher and I would stay at home as a house husband we have 2 children and purchased a nice home on the south coast. At first I found staying at home all day in a new town took a lot of getting used to so looked for work around the area but could not find anything that was well paid enough to help with childcare and we decided together that I would stay home and do the house work cook and take the kids to there clubs etc. I soon started to relish my role and filled my day with things that would benefit the family and went to my local college and did a two year cookery course so I could make nice meals for everyone. And yes this did help with my cross dressing as well. But ever since I have not worked members of my wife's family give me stick as I don't work it has even got to the situation that I wont even bother to see her side of the family anymore as I know that I will get stick for being a house husband and thought of as less than a man . Thank the heavens that they don't know that I like to cross dress as then I am sure the stick would be unbearable. I suppose there thinking is a bit old fashioned that the man must go out to work while the woman stays at home but the situation suits us both just fine and we are both happy with the situation. Thanks for listening.

It is still a nontraditional role so naturally, traditional people have a hard time accepting it. In the US we use a the term "stay at home Dad" which is equally nontraditional but something that is "known." Stay at home Mom is what people know. People are learning about other stay at home possibilities. I wouldn't take too much offense at the lack of understanding. It's just that.

Allow me to ask, are you and your wife happy with your current arrangement? Are your kids well cared for, happy, and well adjusted? If so, who cares what others say. They are just jealous that they cannot stay at home too.

I'm listening and I feel for you. Stick with doing what is best for your family and as long as your kids grow up to be well meaning people than nobody will have anything bad to say.

Maybe you should change your tune and call it 'early retirement'. That implies you have enough money you don't need to work vs. being a dependant. ...sometimes I think if you compare CDing to anything else, its not really the CDing that people have a problem with, its that they can't deal with change or anything different than their own circle.

thanks for your quick replies. Yes the kids are well adjusted. They are healthy happy teenagers. My wife is happy with the way things are and loving the meals I cook. She is also helping me with tips on the CDing front too

Does your wife know about your C/Dressing, and if so what does she feel about it,

This happens more often in the UK since all of the government cuts and the recent crash. There are more and more househusbands now than ever before, mainly because there is a greater amount of work for women these days, especially in teaching and nursing. Your wife has taken several years to gain a degree and this should be applauded by her family that she is using the education and study to provide for the family. With the cost of childcare, and with the limited hours of opening, generally 7am to 6pm, never open weekends nor bank holidays, it is more financially viable for a parent to remain at home with the chldren or for a family member to care for them.
Would any of the family be prepared to take on a full time child care role so you could both go to work and not end up working simply to pay childcare costs, probably not. In most of these cases people are very quick to judge and pass comment but very reluctant to actually offer constructive help and support.

If you and your wife are happy with the arrangement, your children are happy then this is all that matters. As Dr Suess said "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

hello joandher yes my wife knows about my CDing and she has been supportive and helpful she buys me nice things and helps with make up tips.
Thanks to Tibby for your insightful advice.
I only wish I told my wife sooner but I suppose we all could benefit from hindsight.

As long as you and your wife are happy with the situation, then don't let the otherrs get to you both. You'll need to develop a thicker skin, and you must realize that your situation is 'out of the traditional norm', even in this day and age. However, as long as you and your family are happy, then tell the others where they may 'put the stick'. Life is too short, so enjoy your life and the others be damned.
Di

i know how you feel when i was out of work for a year i was getting it from both sides
of the family... even tho my ex was fine with it. we had a different situation tho but
it just worked for us there was stuff that needed to be done and i was able to do it
(pretty much fixing the house).

You all are happy, so that really settles it. If every couple could be as happy with whatever arrangement they want, the world would be a much happier place.

The next time the stick gets to be too much, please get your back up and tell the males who bring this up something like - "whenever you get enough stones to do something as difficult as this, go right ahead, but until you get that level of courage, simply shut the old pie hole about this."

Keep it up.

Barbara

I can relate to you as mine is a similar situation. I took voluntary redundancy in September 2010 after 30 years in the UK Civil Service. After nearly two and a half years later I still have not been able to secure full time permanent employment despite applying for about 1500 jobs. I'm sure certain friends and family of both me and my wife think I'm not trying hard enough. The redundancy money has all gone and my wife's salary and my Jobseekers Allowance do not pay the bills. I would happily be a lady of leisure, only 11 years to go to my Civil Service Pension.

Maria

So those same people think it is better for you to go out and work and force your children to be latchkey kids, even though one of you doesn't HAVE to work? They think it is more important that you work outside the home just because of what is between your legs and that is more important that your kids having a fulltime parent to care and watch over them? They don't think being a fulltime parent isn't "REAL" work??? Seriously??

And, factor in the high cost of daycare, having to commute to work (gas is only going to get more and more expense), and the endless extortion, err taxes they squeeze out of every single damn penny you make... how much would you really be adding financially at the end of the day anyway? Does it make logical sense? Well, that doesn't matter, I mean after all, you have a penis, so you gotta do what they say regardless?

Think about it... with all that given, why would you care what people with such a twisted sense of priorities think of you?

Andrea, I really commend you and your wife, you took control of a bad situation and turned things around so that it works really well for both of you. Neither you nor your wife had any control over the 2008 financial fiasco, but you were both resourceful enough to turn it around into a win-win situation. You literally took the lemons that life threw at you and made lemonade with them! I think the remarks made by the in-laws are cruel, could it be that they are jealous of you and your wife for being more resourceful than they would have been given the same situation?

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Originally Posted by andrea lace

But ever since I have not worked members of my wife's family give me stick as I don't work it has even got to the situation that I wont even bother to see her side of the family anymore as I know that I will get stick for being a house husband and thought of as less than a man .

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Excuse me? Running a house and looking after 2 children? When did that suddenly become "not work"? Anybody who thinks that should try it. If you and your wife are happy like this, then the only problem i can see is it might be coming between your wife and her family. If I was in your situation, my response would be, "And the horses you rode in on!"

The only objection I would have to taking on that role instead of the GF ( assuming we ever have kids ) is that i don't feel i could do as good a job as she could!

Well done, Andrea. Sounds as if you have a wonderful family there. With the in-laws, it's time for a bit of tough love. Perhaps they need to know that their comments are thoughtless and hurtful, and are affecting your relationship. If they cannot see that, and won't desist, then, frankly, sod them. You and your family don't need them.

These days people are put into all sorts of situations because of the lack of suitable work but the way it has turned out seems to be working for you,your wife and your family so although it is an annoying thing to have to put up with I would just try to ignore their silly comments as they are no doubt due to a lack of understanding or a slight hint of jealousy , you are happy with your situation I wonder if they can say the same about theirs, think in those terms and their silly comments will just go over your head .
Now get back to work as like all house husbands there is work to be done :heehee:

It never hurts to let people know your boundaries. A joke is funny once, but if it is constantly repeated it's not funny anymore. You have every right to tell your wife's family this is a decision taken by you and her jointly, and if they keep giving you grief not only are they disrespecting you, they are also disrespecting your wife. You can also tell them that if they keep it up it makes it unpleasant for everyone including your kids and you will limit your visits.

When I was married I most of the cooking and house work and took our son to school sporting events ext. I love to cook house work dont bother me my ex wife is a nurse and made more money and her schudle was never the same.

Unless they intend to help you along, what you and your wife do to keep things going with your family is no one's business but your own. Detractors usually end up eating their words eventually anyway.:)

I hate to say this, but you just have to develop a thick skin about it all. In boy mode, I get my hair highligted, nails done and shave my legs. I workout, too, and everyone can see that I am totally shaved. I do get stares, who cares? With regard to your family, I think their problem is the sudden role reversal. It is NOT their business. It simply isn't. I would say something about it, too.

Unless there is a really good reason to maintain a relationship with these people, get rid of them - and I see you are doing a good job at that.

Life is way to short to have to conform to what someone else believes you should be doing. I am glad that you and your wife have each other's back and I wish you well in the future.

A dose of color commentary for what it's worth: I would almost bet it's tough for your wife to hear all the sticking as well. I have a number of HH friends, and both husband and wife complain about the stigma associated with it. Couples are only doing what it takes to survive as a family, yet it's treated as slightly perverse. There were even a few documentaries/articles on this and unfortunately they cited that the marriage mortality rate was high among families with an HH. I'm sure you and your wife are mindful of this, but do talk about it with each other.

BTW, my oldest daughter's husband stays home and is a hh as well. Same situation - shes a teacher with degree(s), he has no degree and can't find work.

After reading through the replies here I would say, why spoil a good thing, in more ways than one it is working for both of you and to hell what the relatives think.
Just overcome the stigma of being supported by your wife and have a nice meal ready for the family when they come home.
You can still do book keeping and mow the lawn so don't despair, you only need a part time job to keep your mind off things anyway.

If it works for you guys who cares what others think?

Maybe your wife's family members that have a problem with it should stop dragging their knuckles on the ground and get up with the times.
It has nothing to do with them...

You made the decision, i'm sure if you made your wife stay at home and you were the breadwinner they'd have something to say too.

I did that for the first three years of my daughter's life. I learned a lot about what it takes to be an effective parent, and I'm much closer to my kid today because of it. There were those around me that were critical (this was 42 years ago). I would just smile and tell them they could stick their opinion where he sun didn't shine.

Jodi

My wife and I are a team I work away from home a job, she works at home raised the kids cooks on and on! Definitely a job! I am sure your wife really loves coming home from work and not have to work all over again. You are a team working together to get it all done, well done! it is fantastic when you are both happy and what a bonus to have a wife who is okay with crossdressing and better helps out and buys you things! You are a lucky girl. I think next time anyone gives you crap about being at home just tell them "I guess I am just lucky!" wink!

Hi Andrea,

Brings to mind the old saying, "you can chose your friends but not your family". I can sympathise with the job situation at the moment, wages are either stagnant or going backwards in the IT field and Finance is a difficult industry at present. Kids are hard work, we managed to fledge 3 from our nest a few years back. Oh, and we changed the locks afterwards :heehee:

Rebecca

Andrea, my wife and I have friends and acquaintances in the same situation. The wife works as a teacher, and, husband stays at home doing whatever is necessary. Sometimes it comes down to fundamental economics. Is it worth taking a low paying job, if the wages are eaten up by taxes, child care, transportation costs and business attire? No. And, what about proper supervision? Are the kids going to be better off raised by a child care provider or run the streets. I have always been of the opinion a family should, whenever possible, be supported on one income.

I think it is admirable that you take care of the domestic chores and take care of the children. It is also admirable you are taking courses that are of interests.

If you're taking hell from your in-laws because you're in a 'non traditional' marriage role, it may very well be someone is jealous. And, why isn't your wife getting hell too. After all, isn't she part of the non traditional role playing.

I'm retired with a working wife. I do all the domestic chores, and, do them en femme. That is a lot of motivation to do my chores.

Just ignore your in-laws. After awhile you'll find your kids will take notice and start distancing themselves from their grandparents.

Those people will look down on you thinking you are weak and not confident because you don't have a job. However, when they are down or struggling they will be the first ones to ask you for help instead of their working friends because they need to protect their image. Certainly those are the kind of people you do not want to let know about your CD'ing. Drive them away by constantly asking them to do things for you. Then they won't even want to see you anymore.

No matter what's said, I actually think gender roles have swung back the opposite ways from how it was starting in the late 60s / early 70s, to how it was maybe in the 50s. Know, I am not saying life is now how it was back then (obviously, it wasn't), but the acceptance of people being outside expected norms really is approaching how it was back then. So, sure, people will say "it's ok," but they really don't mean it.

Tanks for all the wonderful advice. My wife's uncle told me in a sarcastic tone "Your only happy when some else is picking up the tab" we were visiting them at the time like a little family holiday I left there home at the next available opportunity and haven't been back since maybe next time we visit I could go en femme cor that would be interesting

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Originally Posted by Jorja

Allow me to ask, are you and your wife happy with your current arrangement? Are your kids well cared for, happy, and well adjusted? If so, who cares what others say. They are just jealous that they cannot stay at home too.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

If it works for you guys who cares what others think?

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Guess I side with Jorja and Tracii here. We have several non-TG friends who are house husbands for various reasons, and no one seems to mind that. Now I consider myself a "house person" -- funny how my boobs, wig and a dash of lipstick help get the housework done! :battingeyelashes:

I've been a stay at home dad off and on by choice since 2006. When investments are good, play. When we need to "stock up" I become an exec again. Currently on the stay at home dad routine. My father in law and my mother both get all worked up over it. They believe the old fashion approach. The wife stays home, the husband works. In the US, the collapse in 2007/08 caused most husbands to be stat at home dads because employers could hire woman for less for the same job. Pitiful personally but it's business.

My wife supports the decisions if its best for our family but in the end, we are happy and we don't listen to any one else.

If your situation works for you and your family, I would say you have too answers to give. One very polite and one where you get way too much harassment.

1) Considering our situation, whenever our children are at home, a parent is always with them and I feel that this will give them the best upbringing that they could possibly get anywhere.

2) I don't give a crap what you think. F&%K Off

As we say in The States: "Stick happens!"

Your circumstances have changed, your wife and yourself came up with a coping strategy to deal with the problem. It's between the two of you, and it's your business! I would gently remind your relatives that it's not their affair, and they should keep their opinion's to themselves. If they keep up the commentary/abuse, you have every right to purge them from your personal life. If your wife chooses to listen to their "words of wisdom," that's her own choice, but you don't have to participate.

The jokes and commentary have to be getting old. Some people are dumb-asses and don't know when to stop. If you attend family gatherings, Your probably stuck with the occasional rude/crude observation. JUST KEEP CALM, AND WALK AWAY. Remember, they can't "play the game" unless you play too.

Peace and Love, Joanie