heaven calling

please could one of you lovely ladies give me some advice

i have been crossdressing since i was about 10 and am now 48 yet i have never been fully dressed. married for 26 years and because i didnt want to decieve my future wife so i bit the bullet and told her i crossdressed before we got married and yet she still married me. she even bought me tights

we have 2 grown up children who both know i crossdress my son doesnt care and my daughter is a godsend she buys me tights. all our friends know, my parents know. but still i cant dress

The situation now is that i suffer from depression, my wife wont allow me to have any money, i cant go out on my own, not even to my friends, she wont allow me to be alone if we are at our friends, if i try to break any of these rules she goes ballistic if i get caught wearing tights she physically rips them off me, she calls me derogatory names and because i get more confident when i drink alcohol shes banned that.....
trouble is now its got that bad i cant see any way out other than suicide.....told doctor and asked for help, but no good, if i left id have to sleep on the streets, i lye awake in bed at night and wonder which would be the best way to end my miserable existence.....as my wife tells me i am just `a worthless piece of ****

There is a huge amount of information between the lines here. Professionally speaking, responses to this will necessarily need to be guarded.

I think you need to speak to a better professional than the doctor you spoke with the first time, and if you are having thoughts of suicide, you need to tell them that, and be honest about it. Depression is serious. It's treatable though.

It sounds like, at minimum, you and your wife need counseling as a couple.

I will tell you that this:

Quote:

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i am just `a worthless piece of ****`

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IS NOT TRUE!!!!! You are a person who has value. Know that.

We don't know you, but I can tell you that I had struggles with depression, anxiety, and alcoholism, in part because of my gender issues and CD. I got professional help, and it made a difference.

Read some of your previous threads and am somewhat confused. Seems you two parted, then got back together, also seems she accepted you as a CD and now adamantly does not while your two kids always did.
First impression is that there's a ton of stuff left unsaid, surely you wish it that way which is of course fine.
Also presume that you are depressed, scared, and trying to reach out.
We fellow CD's can talk about it and of course can see things as "members of the club", but you seem to require very urgent and immediate support, and my suggestion would be go RUN and get some PROFESSIONAL help.

I can add that understanding what really happens is good, but in the midst of a crisis the urgency lies in stabilizing yourself, seeking and obtaining some anchorage.

Then -again with continuing professional help - you can pursue what went wrong if you still do not know.

We at this site and other similar venues are not the right ones while you are blowing so much steam, make the wise move.

S

This is a sad story indeed. It sounds like your wife needs some counselling for her domination over you and anger management. I am no expert but I can say no one deserves the kind of treatment you have described.

just to clarify... the doctor i saw suggested counselling but the wife went mad because i told someone else
we have never split up.... she bought me about fivee pairs of tights and let me wear them and the suddenly stopped for no reason
and i take medication for the depression

Please think of your lovely children and family, also consider calling the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 , it may help to have someone to talk to in confidence.
You could also look for a local support group, such as Manchester Concord or Birmingham Outskirts
You are not worthless

Your words leave me with the impression that you are trapped in a abusive and potentially violent relationship that is destroying your mental health.

Any type of abuse creates stress and it is this stress that will make you sick.

Eventually your will to live is destroyed. You may want to Google the phrase "trauma bonds" to see the results and consequences of associating with an abusive person.

I suspect abuse is very common in marriages where the husband crossdresses.

Bobbie,

I've seen some of the same demons your staring down. GOD that sucks! I don't wish anyone that kind of pain.

The trick with depression is that it takes the bad and makes it seem worse to the point of being insurmountable. The other wonderful trick is that the meds stop working for no apparent reason. See about changing your meds. It may be a faster relief while you change your life.

As for your life and your wife you just have to keep moving forward. I know that the pain and fear makes it seem impossible. Even though you absolutely believe that things won't work, do what is supposed to help. Keep your self busy. Find ways to improve your independence. (even if you have to force yourself to go through the motions do it.)

Hold on for as long as your can for any reason you can. Things can and do get better.

I expect to see you post here again!

Bryn

You are in charge of your life.....by NOT doing something that she knows is a part of you, you are letting her demonize it. You are not evil. Crossdressing is not evil and, frankly, only subject to the boundries YOU set for yourself. Be free.

You are not worthless, and until you can change that stance you will keep feeling depressed.

Bobbie, I think that you need to talk to a therapist, to sort through some of your perceptions.

I'm sorry that you feel so constrained, and hopefully with therapy you'll find a way to recover your voice in this relationship. If you cannot, then you and your wife might benefit from marital counseling.

But, do sort through some of the issues alone first, with a qualified therapist. Not the crossdressing, but the depression and maybe codependence issues. You need to get your strength and your spirit back, and then you will be on a more equal footing with your wife, to sort through your marital difficulties.

:hugs:

Bobbie,
I agree with what has already been said.
I understand your perception of feeling trapped.
Thoughts of hurting yourself are a huge red flag to medical and psychiatric professionals.
Being in an abusive relationship may only exacerbate the issue.
For many women in an abusive relationship seeking shelter is their only way out.
This may be the best means to handle the immediate issues. I would urge you to call help as previously mentioned and ask for advice about how to seek an intervention and a temporary escape from the situation you are in.
Please get help! None of us wish you to bring harm to yourself. You mentioned your wonderful children, they would be heartbroken if you choose the course you are contemplating. If not for yourself Live for them.
Please seek help!

Our thoughts are with you

Annette

You are not worthless. Every human has worth. But you are in an abusive relationship and you are suffering depression. Please. I beg you. Go and see your doctor and get referred for some help. You can be happy again.

A marriage is a close bond between 2 equal people.
It seems that you and your wife need professional help to help realize this point. Is she so controlling in front of others. Do your children see this type of behaviour. As everyone has already said you need some help from a qualified professional. If your children have grown up witnessing this type of behaviour they could end up thinking this is normal and the cycle of abuse will continue get help for yourself and your kids

Your Subject line makes me sad; please don't go.

You sought help by posting here. Reach out now to somebody "real", not electronic.

Be it professional or a good friend, seek them out and ask for help/advice. And worthless wouldn't really be able to describe you. You have kids, and I don't seriously think you're worthless to them. And your parents, there's some value, always, in someone, in everyone.

Personally it looks like you are in an abusive relationship and no one should ever be put in that sort of situation , it is having an effect on your mental health , you need to get out of there , I am aware that there are places for men to go to get away from an abusive partner, although I don't know where , as Abigail said your first port of call is the Samaritans, they might be able to point you in a better direction, hope things improve for you soon , lots of love Sarah xxx

I'm really sorry to hear this story of your situation. Sounds to me like your wife has the problem, not you. If you want to keep your marriage solid you both should seek counseling. For myself, in your situation, I'd get rid of her.

Bobble, I'm so sorry to hear your delima. Please please please try not to take offense to this but, "Dump the bitch!" I happen to work as a healthcare professional with some experience. The first marriage ended for some reason, the second means you learned something hopefully but also that you don't take any unnecessary shit from them. I'm your age and recently divorced. My first didn't know but I damn sure wouldn't take ANY form of abusive attitude from the second. She isn't worth the depression, thought of suicide or your unhappiness. You ARE NOT a worthless piece of ****! She is for changing her view and making you feel bad about yourself. So hold you head up high starting with some 6" pumps, tell her to take the highway and use those balls girls like us still have! I'll be glad to chat with you at any time.

Besides the Samaritans, you also need to get in touch with Relate for counseling on your marriage.

I don't know how your wife can keep preventing you from having money or anything else, but talk to Relate about it. They can help.

Also, you might consider moving in with one of your kids, if they are living away from home.

There are always options other than suicide.

Abusive spouses whatever gender are horrible I had one so I know.
You are not worthless no one is, you are a human being with feelings and a purpose.
Seek professional help for yourself first then maybe once you get a handle on things get her to go with you.That is IF you want to save the marriage.
Myself I would start documenting the abuse in a journal times, dates and what happens.
If your kids want to help you and be witnesses thats up to them.
The advice I want to give to you is from my heart and my experience so take it for what its worth quite the alcohol please!!
That is the one thing that will cause all of your credibility in any argument to go out the window.Clear thinking and being sober is your friend.
My first wife was this way and when I maned up and told her to leave she laughed so I showed her the front door.
Last I spoke to her she said you were a real man the night you threw me out and it was the best thing for both of us.

Maybe what she is seeing in you is a weak man and to her not the man she married.
I think maybe looking at it from her side might help you understand where she is coming from.
Look at yourself and change what she sees.

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

The advice I want to give to you is from my heart and my experience so take it for what its worth quite the alcohol please!!

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Gosh, I missed this!

I don't know how much you drink, Bobble, but IF you do have alcohol issues, this explains a lot. I know, I've been there. I also felt that alcohol made me braver, but the truth was that it hugely blurred my judgment, on top of aggravating the depression. Alcohol is a depressant and I felt like a victim too.

It's not necessarily just "not drinking" that helps, it is resolving the issues that cause the drinking in the first place in addition to working on the resentments. Doing this will help you to get your voice and your spirit back in this relationship, so that you can deal with your marital issues on equal footing with your wife.

- Edited to add -
Also, if alcohol is an issue, often the spouses take on roles where they feel they need to control the drinking spouse and become the gatekeeper, so to speak. This is it's own codependence, and when the drinking spouse stops drinking, the non-drinking spouse needs to also get help in order to place the focus back on herself. This will allow the formerly-drinking spouse to take responsibility for himself, and then everyone can get healthier. Drinking is a family issue, even if only one person drinks.

It's a rather complex dynamics, but there is help out there if you want it.

:hugs:

You mention that your kids are sympathetic and understanding....can you not involve them with dealing with your wife/their Mother!

Bobble, you wrote that your wife bought you tights and then abused you for wearing them. You are an adult trapped in an abusive relationship. If what you are writing is accurate, you are describing manic depression at best on her part, meaning that she needs professional help. Throw her an ultimatum; get help or you walk, but before you do, talk to a lawyer and prepare yourself. No one, and I mean no one, needs to put up with that. I know, believe me.

I don't agree with Niki's advice. Don't involve the children. That will force them to take sides and one of you will end up getting ganged up on.

WOW I must ask this question. Who earns the living in your household? "she won't allow me to have any money" Here's a thought my wife got harder and harder to get along with and after a while I was ready to give it all up and file for divorce. But then she went to the emergency room one night (Her idea) She told me to go home, I did. Then I got a call from the hospital and she was fighting with the nurses and attendants. To make a long story short she was diagnosed with advanced dementia/Alzheimers. That was 2 1/2 years ago she now lives in assisted living. And I am now alone and I have gotten used to it and IT AIN'T ALL BAD The doctors said they're personality changes sometimes dramaticly. It something to think about. As I am pretty darn happy now. Sometime they don't think they have anything wrong with them. She has gotten much worse now but its something one must live with as it isn't your fault.:(

Lord,Bobbie,don't do anything rash!I'm no expert,but I had a wife like that for 20 years.Toward the end it was unbearable.She used to call me that same name and worse,in front of my kids!I didn't dress then(I didn't DARE),and she found fault with everything I said and did.When she finally divorced me,the depression reached rock bottom.It took about a year for things to start looking up,and now some years later,I'm happier than I've ever been,especially as Barbara.I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting her out of my life was my salvation,and it may be an option for you,if it's getting you down that bad.It takes a while,but it does get much better.Hang in there!XOBarbara

You post really screams to seek professional help. Please get it! I would not take advise from an internet forum with people whom are not intimate with your situation.

PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide is a registered charity. It is the national charity campaigning for prevention of young suicide. It operates a helpline providing short-term support and advice for anyone concerned about themselves or a young person they know. PAPYRUS also offers training such as the international ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) program and bespoke packages. http://www.papyrus-uk.org/
Samaritans is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom[4] http://www.samaritans.org/
Campaign Against Living Miserably is a registered charity based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35. http://www.thecalmzone.net/

Worried someone is having thoughts of Suicide - Call PAPYRUS HOPEline
0870 1704000

Health NHS direct (mental health/suicide)
0845 46 47 (local rate)
Website: http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/ > NHS Direct Mental Health FAQ

Violence and Crime
0845 30 30 900 (local rate)

some are not for your age group but they can point you to local resources that are.

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Originally Posted by bobble143

if i left id have to sleep on the streets, i lye awake in bed at night and wonder which would be the best way to end my miserable existence.....as my wife tells me i am just `a worthless piece of ****

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Hello Boobie
As everyone here states...Seek professional help now. Now let me tell you of my situation. My wife and I have experienced difficulties because of my dressing to a point where we're separated. At first it was a scary,lonely,fearful feeling of leaving my wife of 21 years. We talked alot about it,I thank God that we never sweared at each other since we met even if we were really ticked off at each other. If so, it would have made leave sooner. Sometimes you need to make that harsh decision so that it may bring peace to mind. Sometimes we need that time alone both husband and wife to sort things out. Remember the saying " distance makes the heart fonder" and sometimes thats what it takes especially if a couple has been together for a very long time without time to themselves. I hope that youll recieve "peace of mind" and your turmoils disappear.

both of you must get counseling NOW not next week.
both of you have problems some different some the same. but get help!

nothing else said here will help you.

you are alive and needed suicide is not a answer, it is not even a possible deal. it is a loser way out.

live is so precious that nobody has the right to end it. get help let the Dr know of these thoughts and get well.


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