I'm T, not G!

Most of my friends and family know I cross-dress for fun and am not ashamed of it. My ears are pierced, I dress well, and my personality is also slightly femme in daily life, so many people just assume I'm gay. Usually that's not a problem, and can be kinda fun, but it often leads to some big misunderstandings as my friendships develop. Being a ballroom dancer, interior designer, and now a cosmetology student pretty much cements any first-impressions. :battingeyelashes:

How and when should I gracefully let people know that I'm in the "T" category, and not the "G"? Or, should I just settle for "queer" and let them figure it out themselves? Most people don't understand the vocabulary currently used to describe TG people. Do any of you have plain words to describe yourself to straight or LGB people?

We all pick a spot on that gender spectrum of LGBTLMNOQWXYZ, and sometimes Y.......whatever that may be.

We is what we iz...whatever that may be.

My life advice: Make lemonade with the lemons you have. Personally I prefer limes. Sonic drive-in does a nice job with drinks, as I prefer their lime lime-aid with my Coney Island chili cheese dog.

Just be who you are and let the world scratch their heads LOL :0)

My reply is always the same no matter who I'm talking to! ''If you don't like the way I'm liven' you just leave this long haired country girl alone''!!

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Originally Posted by Ashley Smith

Most of my friends and family know I cross-dress for fun and am not ashamed of it. My ears are pierced, I dress well, and my personality is also slightly femme in daily life, so many people just assume I'm gay. Usually that's not a problem, and can be kinda fun, but it often leads to some big misunderstandings as my friendships develop. Being a ballroom dancer, interior designer, and now a cosmetology student pretty much cements any first-impressions. :battingeyelashes:

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There are at least 2 dimensions to sexuality. Gender identity, and gender preference. Beyond that is sexual identity and sexual preference.
You might want to dress like a girl, and even be buddies with the girls, but want to relate sexually as a man to a woman. This is common with many cross-dressers. Or you might want to relate sexually more as woman to woman, a "male lesbian". Complicate things further by bringing the dominance/submission at social and sexual levels.

Back in the 70's and early 80's we had the "hankie code". Different hankies or scarves had different meanings. Eventually, there were 30 different hankie types worn in up to four different places. On-line matching has made the process a bit easier, with some sites even doing "interviews" to determine these dimensions and degrees.

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How and when should I gracefully let people know that I'm in the "T" category, and not the "G"? Or, should I just settle for "queer" and let them figure it out themselves? Most people don't understand the vocabulary currently used to describe TG people. Do any of you have plain words to describe yourself to straight or LGB people?

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It's probably easiest to say you are transgendered (broadest term) and heterosexual or lesbian (het if you want to be "all man" in the bedroom.

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Originally Posted by Ashley Smith

How and when should I gracefully let people know that I'm in the "T" category, and not the "G"?

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Having a well-stacked blonde on each arm while in drab will probably do the trick! :lol:

Seriously, there is no need to explain anything. Your actions will clear up the situation with anyone close enough to you to matter. I used to worry about this a lot and it has been very liberating to no longer worry about being perceived as having a different orientation.

I would probably let them know when one of your male friends sez he has a brother who is gay and who thinks you look good in tight boy Levis.

I've sometimes thought we should come up with an explainatory business card size thingy or maybe a brochure that introduces people to what CD/TG/TS is all about. If we made it look official and had some sort of organizational logo on it then folks would give it more credit. Bet we could get Kathleen Sebilius, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, to do a letter that could go in it. Maybe get a grant from her department to produce it.

Forget I said the part about the grant. I'll go take care of that now.

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Originally Posted by NathalieX66

Sonic drive-in does a nice job with drinks, as I prefer their lime lime-aid with my Coney Island chili cheese dog.

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Ah! A girl after my own heartburn! *L*O*V*E* that Chili Cheese Coney! But love the All-American Dog even more! Love their low-cal limeaid too!

Hugs,
Persephone.

I find people in general are very quick to make assumptions.Unless you are willing to take the time to explain AND they are willing to listen AND process it,you may as well just describe yourself as "a bit different than most". Many people that I talk with in the mainstream world focus on my appearance or "presentation" and never ask "what is it that makes you want to do this?". After UU church Sunday,I heard from three different ladies "you really have the best of both worlds"..obviously they never considered what goes on between my ears that makes me feel more comfortable around people in girl mode.There is no quick explanation so I just settle for being happy that they like me enough to tell me this!

Believe me, it's all the same to them. You could try and break it down to 'em and maybe get thru. Probably not though.

I say be true to yourself and let them wonder. It's none of their business anyway, is it?

People are always going to believe what they want to believe no matter what. Personally,I'd just go on with my life and let them think what they want to.

Ashley, i know its easier to say than do but "why does it matter what they think?" Be who you are and be comfortable with it.

Natalie - I love their lime aid as well but i prefer their Chicago dog :)

Ashley, I can relate. These assumptions are often the bane of our existence. We deal with them everyday....over and over again...in continuous repetition. It gets rather exhausting and frustrating, having to answer the same questions constantly. For ever one person that we educate there is a crowd of the under-informed standing behind them pointing fingers at us and laughing. We deal with it as best we can.

I often wonder whether you need to come out twice.
Others will work it out eventually.

Just tell them you prefer women. No need to label yourself either T or G.

I really consider myself as a t and a b and not a g. Btw I like girls more. Its just people especially dont understand I dress for fun and everything else

I prefer to let people wonder what I am.LOL
Most assume I'm gay I'm sure.

Yeah, I usually say: "Hi, I'm Kate. What's your name?":battingeyelashes::)

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Originally Posted by Ashley Smith

How and when should I gracefully let people know that I'm in the "T" category, and not the "G"? (...) Do any of you have plain words to describe yourself to straight or LGB people?

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It's easier to demonstrate than explain. Show your affection for women rather than spending time denying being interested in men. It's easy enough for me to work in, as I talk about my wife and marriage equality pretty openly. I simply identify proudly in the "L" category. You just need a way to get a similar point across that suits your situation and identity.

I always say "you don't have to be gay to dress like a women but, you can be" I am not gay either I still like women so I have to be a lesbian.

Tess

Actually, I think it's kind of an important question. I have friends lesbian and gay, even they don't really understand the torment that we face. I do my best to explain it to them... They have a thousand questions! Goodness... And because they are my friends I don't mind talking about CD'ing with them. I told my co-worker (lesbian buddy) about my date and she must have asked 50 questions!! Is that how GG's talk to each other? They have to know every little detail? She even asked me if our wait-staff was male or female and if one of us got jealous? What!?!?
Anyway, Ashley... My SA friend... I got a giggle out of this: "Being a ballroom dancer, interior designer, and now a cosmetology student pretty much cements any first-impressions." Uh, yeah. Silly.
But see, you are gorgeous... Nothing to worry about.

Question: Have you gone to school as Ashely? Maybe thinking about it? The reason I ask is because I am back in school and have been thinking of going as Jenny.

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Originally Posted by Sejd

Just be who you are and let the world scratch their heads LOL :0)

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I heartily agree with Sejd. :)

Carol

From a purely tactical perspective, it would be better if everyone only thought you were "different" on a need-to-know basis; dealing with family and coworkers can be a real minefield; I understand the desire to be out and open though, some people can cause big problems if they know. However, since they already you dress, you might as well drop references to your orientation ("I went out with this girl once...", "It is so hard to find a girlfriend..." etc., and when they are surprised set them straight (no pun intended) about your orientation. You don't have to be rude or obnoxious, just set them straight with facts about heterosexual transvestism.

Some of my family have wondered about me, not that I am feminine at all as a man, but why I have "never" had a girlfriend or shown interest in women; I have had a girlfriend etc., I just didn't want to discuss her (she is different and they would not approve of her) or talk about what kind of women I like, or why I can't find someone now (because I dress) with anyone unless they have a legitimate need to know about my private life.

Seems to me there are two elements here, sex and sexuality. The first covers the gender we gravitate toward and the second the gender we identify with. Am I missing something or could it be that simple?

However, these days there seems a tendency or need to group, sub-group, sub-sub-group, etc everything. Not that long ago it was G or L or straight. Now we have the additional categories of B and T. As Nathalie showed, we could get the entire alphabet involved in making little boxes to fit into. Me, much more room in the closet than a box, unless its a whopping great big one ;)

Hugs, Robin

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Originally Posted by Ashley Smith

Do any of you have plain words to describe yourself to straight or LGB people?

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Not really. I find that if they can understand then they usually already do, or do not care either way and need no explanation. If they do not understand they likely never will anyway so why bother.

Funny, I had the reverse of this situation. I identify as a bisexual crossdresser. I joined our LGBT employee affinity group back in 2003. What I didn't know until some years later is that most assumed I was a straight ally as I have a history of working with various groups. We never had a situation where we were asked to define our identities, so it just didn't occur to me to make a declaration.

This came to a head a while back when we had invited Joan Darrah to come and do a public talk about Gays In The Military shortly before DADT when down. Her partner, Lynn Kennedy was with her and at one point in the conversation, Lynn said something to me that assumed I was an ally. At that point I realized that I needed to fix that.

However, when asked or if I volunteer, I list my identity as bisexual. I don't go into the crossdresser part as that would likely be a much longer conversation that I don't think many are ready for. Besides, I live in a small town and often see people that I know from work. I still need to be here for a while, so I keep a relatively low profile...

I feel no connection towards G when it comes to the LGBT spectrum.
I'm pretty boringly average T.
I prefer to dress as female....don;t know why, I just is.

Two things:
1. Do you really need to say anything? I mean their opinion of you is their business, not yours.
2. Wen you get your cosmetology license, can I come to SA for a makeover? :). (Seriously. It would be so much fun)

Shelby

:hugs:

Thanks for the kindly advice, everyone. Ordinarily, I don't worry about what other people think and just live my truth. It's mainly when acquaintances become close friends, or when I am out dancing en femme with some man who just bought me a drink, for example, or when one of my gay friends wants to set me up with another guy that I sometimes need to make things more clear.

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Originally Posted by DonnaT

Just tell them you prefer women. No need to label yourself either T or G.

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These words have proven useful in many situations. I do consider myself T, however. And BTW, I do go to school as Ashley: that name is on my birth certificate. I'm a lucky girl!

I had a really hard time passing as male growing up. Everybody assumed that because I was effeminate, that I must be gay.
Even as a teenager, when kids would ask "are you gay?", I would say "yes, I'm a lesbian" - but made it sound like a joke.
Often, humor is a great way to tell the truth, while appearing to be deceptive.

When I did start getting sexually intimate with women, I really enjoyed pleasing them, but couldn't tolerate when they tried to touch me "down there".
I would tell them I was "ticklish" (I was). I was afraid that if I enjoyed sex with a woman, I would have to remain a man.
Even before I came out, nearly ALL of these women observed that when I was pleasing them, it was like they were being seduced by a woman.
I'm surprised my smile and wink didn't give it away completely.

When I finally went public after my first marriage ended, I accepted dates whenever I was asked, and was soon getting fixed up with bisexual women.
Ironically, one 2 year relationship ended because she WAS BISEXUAL and needed a MAN! She brought home several lesbian lovers who confirmed that I really was a Lesbian - even in how I liked to be pleased.

In my case, I was very small. I often referred to it as "my itsy bitsy teeny weeny shriveled up and wrinkled peenee" - (sung to melody of itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini). When a lesbian friend referred to "that thing down there" (thinking I was larger), I'd grin and say "you mean my little bump?".

The only time anyone should care is when they want to "fix you up" with someone. You need to let them know you want a bisexual or lesbian woman, not a gay man or gay

The one thing I have noticed, is that I like more aggressive and assertive women. Nearly every one of my lovers pretty much told me that they were going to seduce me, and that I should just enjoy it. I had a few "one night stands" (their original intent), the shortest of which lasted 6 months.

Every one here knows that I'm bisexual... Yet, oddly, I hit the same issues you do, Ashley Smith.

Usually, when I get even the slightest suspicion that a person is confusing gender identity with sexuality, I get right up in their face and very bluntly explain the difference. And strangely, it has worked thus far, but I'm working on trying not to be so up in their faces and blunt, just in case.