What they say isnt always what they mean.

I have a long long time friend that is an exceptional person he is totally cool on many occasions he has expressed his acceptance of other peoples life styles. I was speaking with him on the phone this morning and after a few jokes on being about a crossdresser I half hearted told him I was, he let me off the hook by saying " yeah right" I pressed it and told him I truly was and that I had been most of my life.

He hung up, I tried to call him back he wouldn't answer he sent me a text telling me he was busy with work and he would talk to me later. I apologized in a text and received no response. I should have kept my big mouth shut. I cant believe I have jeopardized this friendship such a mistake on my part.

Bummer. Maybe he just can't handle it. Maybe , after a time, he will accept it, but also maybe never. This is the one thing most just abhor, and won't accept , in a friend, or family member, or church member.

Sounds like he isn't the friend you thought he was. I remember a fiend who was still in the Marines at the time (this was decades ago) who came to me for a loan until payday, just enough so his wife could buy some groceries and he could make the rent payment. I explained that I needed the loan paid back asap as I had my own bills to pay. I never heard from him again, never got my money back. I went by his off base housing a few times but no one would answer the door even though on a couple of occasions it was pretty obvious either he or his wife (or both) were home. Some times friendships are so fragile that eventually it becomes apparent that there never was any real friendship involved, just a friendship based on convenience.

Danni - Don't beat yourself up for speaking up. If it turns out that your friend really does have a problem with crossdressers, then your friendship wasn't jeopardized by what you said but by who you are. And it's your friend, not you, who is jeopardizing the friendship by his feelings. You have to ask yourself, if you found out that your friend had strong negative feelings for trans people, could you really continue to consider him a best friend? However this turns out, don't let it destroy your confidence in yourself.

Wendy

A true friend will most likely come around

One of the things I've noticed after six decades on this planet is some people become so accustom to you that they feel you are a like thinker. Somehow, although the subject may never come up, they spout off bias beliefs and worse. In my family we have the classical vanilla whites, blacks of varying shades, Native Americans, Mexicans, African-Mexicans, the mentally challenged, and, one undeclared cross dresser. You wouldn't believe the shit I hear from long time associates/friends who mouth off against one or all of the above.

I congratulate you for putting your friend's narrow minded opinions to the test. Of course, he probably now thinks you're gay and want to bed him.

I'm sorry to hear that about your friend. You've put your friendship to the test, and if he can't accept you it shows he's really not your friend. A real friend will accept you as you are and if that means a cross-dresser than that's part of who you are. Just be true to yourself, your true friends will accept you as you are.

It's kinda weird how people don't like cross-dressers yet its okay to go on motorcycles, chase down a married man with a wife and kid in an SUV, paralyze yourself, and then accuse him (the SUV driver with wife and kid) of attempted murder. This is our crazy world :(

Really, you didn't do anything wrong except drop it on him. His reaction may be a measure of confusion and denial. If he doesn't respond in a while, give him more time.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but I think there may be another reason he hung up.

MAYBE he was embarrassed by his comments about crossdressers and didn't know what to say.

Thinking a week or 2 space might help your friend after the bomb drop. I wouldn't advise turning up in a skirt at the next meeting either.

Sorry this happened, Danni but as the other wise ones on this site have said 'if he's a true friend, he'll come around.' Hope that happens and that despite his feeling awkward he'll use it as an opportunity to really get to know who you are, not who he'd previously decided you were.

Hang in there, you have nothing to be sorry for. Telling the truth is never wrong as long as it's not meant to hurt.

There's an old saying that I think might be appropriate here:
"If you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it".
Joni

Maybe he is too, and got the shock of his life with your reaction to him dropping hints.

Hi Danni. Firstly, you did nothing wrong as you felt this was a friend you could confide in and you took a chance.

I agree with a lot of the other gals, if he is a true friend, he will come around. He might just need time to process as that is a big thing to drop on someone. However, if he does not then he was never a true friend to begin with. I know there is little solace in that statement. I too have lost a very dear friend over my choice to live my life as I need to and it hurt deeply. I gave him space and he never came around. It was hard but I have moved on and who knows someday he may come around (I still hold out for hope).

Hugs and sorry to hear about this (extra hug because you sound like you need it)

Isha

When the going gets tough__________. Hope he can handle it and comes around.

See? We immerse ourselves in places like this site, which while it portrays us and our lifestyle in a positive manner, gives a false sense of just how accepted crossdressers really are in our society. Most people view it as totally out of the realm of "normal", and just can't wrap their minds around it. It's fine for other people, folks they don't know or associate with. It's fine on the streets of San Francisco. But it isn't fine in our own circles, and is shunned by society as a whole.

I hope it all comes out okay for you. But this should be a lesson for everyone. It's not something to blurt out to just anyone. It's really not hard to see why most of us are closeted even from those who are closest to us.

A true friend is someone who knows everything about you, and still likes you.

It is hard to know what to do sometimes. Accepting the concept of crossdressing in the abstract is a lot easier than accepting a friend, SO or spouse who actually does it. Best of luck, Danni

A ture friend will always be a friend and always be there for you!!

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Originally Posted by Dannigurlfriend

I should have kept my big mouth shut. I cant believe I have jeopardized this friendship such a mistake on my part.

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I can't agree with you. The mistake was on his part not yours - you were honest and true to yourself. How would you have felt if you had gone along with jokes about crossdressers when you crossdress and have friends on this forum that do? You would have been doing a disservice to yourself and the CD community to go along with the jokes. I commend you for being truthful. If he doesn't accept something which is a big part of your life, then it's probably better that you part ways. But if he does come around, be understanding - we are all human and can't always react to unexpected revelations in the appropriate manner. Sometimes we need time to digest the information and learn how to interact with the person from that new perspective.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Joni T

There's an old saying that I think might be appropriate here:
"If you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it".
Joni

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There's another old saying:

"Those who matter, don't mind
Those who mind, don't matter"

Danni,
there is no judging how people will react.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Joni T

There's an old saying that I think might be appropriate here:
"If you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it".

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lol...I love that. I never heard that on before...oh so very true!

But I agree with the other girls...if they are a true friend they will come around. But I don't think you should have to apologize to him for revealing this side of you - However I understand why you felt you did. Hope it all works out for you.

I agree with Marla. I get upset when people on this site say "Its ok just-- be yourself-- friends and family will still love you" I think that if you are not OUT to everyone then these statements should not be made.

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

See? We immerse ourselves in places like this site, which while it portrays us and our lifestyle in a positive manner, gives a false sense of just how accepted crossdressers really are in our society. Most people view it as totally out of the realm of "normal", and just can't wrap their minds around it. It's fine for other people, folks they don't know or associate with. It's fine on the streets of San Francisco. But it isn't fine in our own circles, and is shunned by society as a whole.

I hope it all comes out okay for you. But this should be a lesson for everyone. It's not something to blurt out to just anyone. It's really not hard to see why most of us are closeted even from those who are closest to us.

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Men often have fragile egos. Men who are secure in their masculinity and sexuality won't have any problems with GLBT. Men who are not secure tend to shy away.

Don't be too harsh on your friend just yet! My eldest son found it hard at first when his younger brother came out as gay many years ago.

For some, its a euphemistic slap in the face but after a while, logic can break through and they see that nothing has changed, bar the fact that they know one more little thing about you. It may be that he doesn't come round to accepting, but then quite sincerely, what will you have really lost? Hurtful yes, but life goes on.

Rebecca

Danni, this may have been summed up by Marla better than I ever could. Yes, we are immersed here in a mutual support group where our sex and sexuality is accepted. However, as much as the world has changed through the decades, our lifestyle is still far from being accepted in the main.

Amongst other things, the unknown of acceptance by others (that really matter of course) is what keeps so many of us in the closet living a dual existence. Not to say the closet can't be quite comfy, but getting out is so much better.

Really hope things work out for you. It really sucks to lose a friend, particularly a long time and trusted one.

Hugs, Robin

It's easy to be in favor of something when it happens "out there" and seems like only a theoretical possibility. But when it happens in your own back yard the game can change drastically. Maybe it goes on more often than we expect.

My guess is he wishes you'd never told him!

If he feels like the rest of us living in 'normal' land (ha, yeah right) then he's uncomfortable with what having a CD as a friend means about him. He's probably having all the same thoughts us wives have - are you gay (this will really be freaking him out), are you transexual, are you going to hike about town with him in a dress.

These thoughts will be scaring him no end, and given he's not your SO, only a friend, he may never feel the need to have these questions answered. He might just close the door and walk away from what is to him a very awkward situation.

I really do think this information shouldn't be shared unless you're ready to lose people, as our side of the fence isn't much easier than yours. We really have to weigh up what losses/issues we face when embracing what is deemed out of the norm. We too can lose jobs and friends and family just by association and while this isn't fair or right, it's reality. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, and while many here might feel better unburdened, friends and family don't always appreciate the shift onto them. Believe me, once we know, the weight of this information can feel so heavy we want to discard it altogether, even if that means giving up a friendship or marriage.

Good luck x

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Originally Posted by Dannigurlfriend

He hung up, I tried to call him back he wouldn't answer he sent me a text telling me he was busy with work and he would talk to me later. I apologized in a text and received no response.

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It is possible that he really was busy with work. Give him time to process what you told him.

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Originally Posted by TheMissus

My guess is he wishes you'd never told him!
Believe me, once we know, the weight of this information can feel so heavy we want to discard it altogether, even if that means giving up a friendship or marriage.

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I must be odd....all I felt was honoured that he trusted me enough to tell me this 'terrible secret' he'd never confided in anyone. It made me realize how courageous he was because. This is a very conservative (read....narrow minded) city and if his co-workers found out he wouldn't stand a chance. It would be like The Scarlet Letter in this town.

Let's hope your friend understands how difficult this was for you to confide in him and how much courage it took, Danni.
hugs

Maslow's Mum, I don't think you're odd - I'd say you're lucky. I have educated myself over the years to be open minded but the town I grew up in definitely didn't encourage this and I have my own upbringing to fight against. I think many people do. How much easier it would be to be a SO to a CD and not feel weird about it all. I'm trying but I think for me it will always be difficult.

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Originally Posted by Dannigurlfriend

he is totally cool on many occasions he has expressed his acceptance of other peoples life styles. .

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I'm sorry to hear that he pulled the "I'll call you later" routine. To me it's a simple case of Yeah, everything's cool as long as it's not in backyard type of thinking. If he is a true friend, then he'll come around...don't beat yourself up about it.

Sounds like some people can't handle change. With the news he figures things are going to be different.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

See? We immerse ourselves in places like this site, which while it portrays us and our lifestyle in a positive manner, gives a false sense of just how accepted crossdressers really are in our society. Most people view it as totally out of the realm of "normal", and just can't wrap their minds around it. It's fine for other people, folks they don't know or associate with. It's fine on the streets of San Francisco. But it isn't fine in our own circles, and is shunned by society as a whole.

I hope it all comes out okay for you. But this should be a lesson for everyone. It's not something to blurt out to just anyone. It's really not hard to see why most of us are closeted even from those who are closest to us.

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Amen to that, sooooooo true.