My "Told My Spouse" Story

I have been with my wife since high school and next week it will be 9 years married and 19 years together. Back in high school and college, we dabbled a bit with her dressing me up for playtime but it wasn't anything serious to her and was most likely just a phase. Once we got married, life got in the way and we never really explored the crossdressing side of me any further. Since I could sense my wife's desires had shifted away from seeing me dressed, I went into the closet and dressed when I could. For me, the urge to crossdress and bring the Erin out of myself never went away and for several years, I did whatever I could, whenever I could. Of course, being married with 2 kids now, that time was few and far between but it was always a part of me, no matter how hard I tried to keep it in the closet. During the past few years, I've progressed from just wearing panties and bras for sexual gratification to being fitted for a wig and having breast forms and my own clothes. So, while my wife was forgetting about me crossdressing, I was actually diving deeper into my crossdressing experience.

On Friday, I asked my wife if we could talk about our sex life. I'm not the most open person in the world so my wife was taken aback a little bit and I'm sure a little scared. I had no intentions of coming out with my crossdressing but rather just wanted to express where I thought we were at in that department and find some ways to spice things up. After all, it had been 9 years and 2 kids now, and I think every married couple experiences that lull in their sex life at some point or another. So, I was talking about my submissive desires and such and for me, talking about anything private like that is a major breakthrough and my wife was very receptive to the conversation, then it happened.

Maybe it was because my wife was so understanding of my desire to spice things up in the bedroom, or maybe it was because I was being so candid about our sex life which is completely unlike my normal behavior. I still don't know why, but as I was making a point about how it's difficult for me to be the "alpha male" in the bedroom, I said, "...and I'm the guy that likes to dress up in lingerie, bras, panties, and high heels." I don't think I'd ever seen my wife so surprised in the 19 years I've known her, but the strangest thing is, I wasn't thinking when I said it, it just out, yet I didn't feel the least bit nervous once it was out there. I expected to have that "Oh sh!&" moment like what have I done! Instead, I was calm and at that moment, all I could do was wait for a reaction.

The reaction was acceptance. My wife's surprised look was more because I just let it all out there and opened up a part of me that my wife knew was there but I never articulated to her. We talked about what I like to wear, why I like to wear it, and when I have been wearing it. I experienced all the normal questions about being gay, wanting to be a woman full time, etc. I answered all her questions honestly and more importantly I acknowledged that all of her questions were fair questions. I then told her I respected any decision she made, but I will continue to have a desire to be Erin now and again and it isn't something I can give up easily. My loving wife looked me right in the eye and told me, "I love you, I love all of you, and I will always love all of you." It was an amazing moment and after 19 years, you think you can't get closer to someone you've spent just about every day with for that long, yet I did. She also told me she had suspected I had been getting deeper into crossdressing, although she never brought it up. In a strange way, I was simply addressing the elephant in the room and now that she knows I know she thought I have been a CD this whole time and I know she knows I like to escape reality as Erin for a little while, the last 2 days have been like when we were dating in high school.

My wife did set a few ground rules, which I was in complete agreement with.
1. No dressing around the kids (no problem there, both my kids are under 6 and I don't have any desire for them to see Erin)

2. No hooking up with other people, including other CDs (no problem there either, I only want to share Erin with my wife)

3. If I desire to go out in public, my wife wants to know about it and talk about it (I agreed, won't be difficult because I haven't gone out much, although I have done it a handful of times. I wasn't going to push this yet though, over time she may be more receptive to it or not, but even if not, I'm ok)

4. Erin can't dominate my life or my sexual desires, in other words, my wife still wants to have some playtime with the man she married (again, no problem and perfectly reasonable, she agreed to make time to spend with Erin, I can agree to make time to spend with my wife as her husband)

So, there you have it. I still can't believe I opened up like that. For all of you thinking about it, it is a very difficult risk to take. I was fairly confident any reaction I got wouldn't lead to divorce, yet still very tough to articulate to my wife I like to wear panties and heels as much or probably more than she does. I feel so liberated and a huge weight is off my shoulders. I'm not sure where things go from here, and I will continue to post on here as things go. For now, my wife is looking forward to meeting Erin for the first time and I can assure you I will never be more nervous dressed up than I will be at that moment. Are there slumber parties in my future? Will my wife and I ever go shopping for her and me now? Only time will tell and I'm not going to rush anything. I will be content sharing Erin with my wife at her own pace and comfort levels and I can't wait to see where things go.

Wherever things go, I can say I have an incredible wife and I am a very lucky person to have her. Supporting Erin won't always be easy for her and I understand that, but for her willingness to accept and continue to love me, my love for her has grown deeper.

It sounds like things went very well. Openness is the best policy and I hope that you both keep communicating about your individual feelings. The acclimatizing process is barely begun and there will be more anxiety and questions to resolve.

It's a bit of a shame that she doesn't want you meeting other CDers. I've met some amazing people and my spouse has the advantage of being able to talk to other GGs who are in her situation. You have the forum, but your wife is quite isolated as she can't really talk about this with anyone. Your wife might want to consider joining the forum herself as we have a number of active and helpful GG spouses here and there is a private section just for GGs.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eryn

It sounds like things went very well. Openness is the best policy and I hope that you both keep communicating about your individual feelings. The acclimatizing process is barely begun and there will be more anxiety and questions to resolve.

It's a bit of a shame that she doesn't want you meeting other CDers. I've met some amazing people and my spouse has the advantage of being able to talk to other GGs who are in her situation. You have the forum, but your wife is quite isolated as she can't really talk about this with anyone. Your wife might want to consider joining the forum herself as we have a number of active and helpful GG spouses here and there is a private section just for GGs.

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I know Eryn, I got the sense she wasn't completely dismissing the idea of meeting with other CDs or herself meeting with others supportive of their husbands crossdressing. I took it as something she didn't want to participate in right now and since she is just now coming to terms with me being a "out" to her, it is baby steps. I will go at her pace and if it takes her some time to want to go out together to a CD support group or forum, I can understand that.

With what you have done life should be less frustrating for you.
I think you have the right idea and of course don't let temptation get the better of you, play it slowly and advance only on your wifes suggestions.
Do that slowly as well as she will need time to adjust.

Congratulations that is a massive step. I only posted last week about how I had been thinking about telling my wife but I can not bring myself to do it. I'm sure you have a huge sense of relief now. I'm happy it all worked out for you.

Wow what a great story. You are so lucky to have someone like her.

Hi Erin,

What a wonderful story. I know your angst as I only came out to my wife of 24 years about a month ago. In a way it was one of the hardest things I had to do but when I did, it was a gigantic weight lifted from my shoulders. I really believe everyone will find her way to tell their SO at some point when they are ready but that is their choice and you made yours and it went well . . . I am very, very happy for you :).

From my own experience (which is limited to this past month) communication is now the key between you and your wife. My wife and I talk about everything related to Isha to ensure there is no miscommunication. In our first week, we didn't say much and I thought she was getting cold feet on the subject and got silent on the subject. When we did talk (the silence was deafening by this time) I found out she wasn't upset she was just giving me space and I was doing the same, we had a good laugh and agreed to talk an hour each day to ensure we don't mistake each other's silence again :). We don't talk all the time now as we have set our boundaries and the behavior is becoming normalized in our relationship. We do talk at least once a week and sometimes she prefers to hear from me and sometimes Isha.

While the above strategy worked for us, I recommend you find a communication strategy that works for you and your wife. She may not be someone who wants to talk about it all the time or you may not be . . . not sure on that. But you really need to keep the communication line open and share honestly with each other.

Good luck with your inaugural presentation to your wife, I am sure you will look beautiful. :battingeyelashes:

Hugs

Isha

You did handle that really well and you have a great wife with reasonable expectations. Of course over time your interests may broaden and hers as well. Have fun with it!

Hi Erin, You are so lucky to have such a wonderful wife just don't overwhelm her with your dressing remember the ball is in her court now.

Erin, you are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful wife. With that said beware of the pink fog! Keep the communication lines open. And most of all keep in mind that she needs her man most of the time. She will go through a lot of emotions over time so be ready to be there for her.
Good Luck
Ellen Jo

Erin,

That's a wonderful story of love and acceptance! I'm thrilled it went so well for you and hope that the two of you can enjoy exploring this together. My story is incredibly similar to your in terms of relationship duration, playing around with CD early in the relationship but not getting 'serious' until recently, and having a couple of young kids. We're never really alone out there. Good luck to you on that first meeting!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eryn

It's a bit of a shame that she doesn't want you meeting other CDers.

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When I read "No hooking up" I take it only in sexual terms and not about being forbidden to meet of be friends with other CDs. When my wife realized she had sort of reached her limits in what she could deal with she actually helped push me out the door to go meet others. But, I certainly had no plans to hook up. Might just be a difference in how some of us use the term.

-Bree

That is great news you have a hugh supporter now.

It's always nice to read of such a successful "coming out ". You have a great wife, as of course you certainly know. Now we know too. Give her a big kiss from "one of the Girls".

You have a great wife. I came out to my spouse about fifteen years ago. If I can give you any advice it would be to always respect her space. Now that you are out of the closet it is too easy to go totally overboard; resist the urge.

Great story. Just remember, while you wife loves all of you she married him not her. Be a great father for your children and enjoy them while you can, they are precious.

Could you please update us, over the course of some time , as to how your journey with your wife is progressing ? Many of us would learn from your progress , your wife's responses and your joint cd evolution . Thanks for sharing !!!

Congratulations

I went through this 10 years ago (after being with my wife for the previous 10 years) and it can be one of the hardest things to do

But like anything else in life you have to look at the risk vs. the reward before making any decission in going forward with something

Eryn
Congrtatulations! I too came out unexpectedly when my wife and i were discussing our sexuality. She just asked me if I w aged to be a woman and I said sometimes without thinking. There it was the elephant in the room! She has been very supportive but not without some struggles. Keep talking about what you need as well as what she needs. Be honest and willing and it will work out. Good luck and I applaud your courage.
Hugs
Suzanne

Congratulations to you Erin. I am happy you have such a wonderful relationship with your spouse. As I have not yet officially outed myself to my wife (a lot of stressful events going on at the moment), I have no advice to you. I keep reading the posts from the other girls here and trying to find what I can use in my own life.

M

congrats on the way both you and your wife have handled this ,my wife knew before we married so did not face this problem but I have found that there are times when she wants the Male me around so I don't try to push the limits we have set .We are fortuante that our Children have grown up and moved out to start there own familys but during the years when they where growing up "Kristin" was very much in the closet it is not's easy with young children in the house to get dressed.

Congratulations. This is something I have played out in my head but just cannot bring myself to tell her. I suppose it just accidentally coming out would be the best way just like jumping into a cold pool versus slowly stepping in.

Erin,

Great story and thank you for sharing. I fully "came out" to my wife several years ago and I made a few mistakes pushing the envelope. So take your time and let her get acclimated at her own pace. My wife went from not wanting to see me in a wig to doing my make up and nails. She's wonderful and I love her so much!

Cheers,

Eva D.

Super happy for you!

What a great story, thank you for sharing! It sounds like two people who love and respect each other can have a thriving marriage despite crossdressing--or maybe even because of it! Good luck to you both.

Thank you for all the kind words. I certainly understand where everyone is coming from. The past couple of days have been outstanding and my wife and I are closer than ever. Because I feel so good about things, I can definitely see where it is easy to push the envelope but I remind myself every 10 minutes that I need to step back and let things sink in a little with my wife. I will continue to show patience and understanding and things will progress at their own pace, so there is not a single reason to rush forward now. Believe me, as I was going to sleep the other night, I was already circling dates on the calendar in my head where it would be great to send the kids to the grandparents lol. But, it's ok if my first night as Erin with my wife takes a few weeks to materialize. My wife has been awesome with this and the least I can do is give her a little space and allow her the time she needs to process what I told her on Friday night. Based on all the feedback, a little patience now has the potential to have a big payoff down the line.

WOW! You did EVERYTHING right! Your wife seemed to know about your dressing, but didn't want you to be threatened by her knowing. Now that it's out in the open, you both have the chance to share a very important part of you, and on terms she can be comfortable with.

It sounds like she also liked the idea of knowing about your submissive desires as well as your feminine side. It also sounds like she wants to support you, giving you some coaching on your presentation if you should decide to go out in public. You've been together for 19 years and she still loves you. At the same time, she may have some desires of her own, and you may have just played into some of her special fantasies - which I suspect she will be sharing with you very soon. A marriage is so much healthier when you can be honest with each other, ESPECIALLY about your sexuality.

That went amazingly well. But as others have cautioned, this is a journey, not a destination. Move slowly and respectfully down the path with your wife. But it is usually more fun to play with a partner than alone.

Best wishes to you both.

Thank you for all the well wishes. This weekend the kids are going to spend the night at G and G house on Saturday night. I'm not at all expecting this to be my first Erin night, since it has only been 1 week since I told her. However, I do have a little bit of me that is hopeful my wife will want to have a girls night in. This is the hardest part, going at the pace that is most comfortable to my wife, but I'm doing great so far and letting her move to next steps on her terms.

Congrats on coming clean. Your relationship with your wife will certainly broaden now, and that's a good thing.

Thanks for sharing, Erin. This is a story I needed to read today.

I am working up to this conversation with my wife as well.

Good for you girl!!!! I am happy to hear that another one of us will be able to have a more comfortable and less frustrated life!

Congratulations on your wonderful talk with your wife. It's so nice to hear stories like this and your wife sounds very understanding. I can relate to your story because I know how difficult it is to bring up these things to your wife and then try to articulate your feelings. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and she has known about my CDing for that long. We have had a few "girls' nights in" and have even gone out a few times but the latter hasn't happened for a few years. I know exactly how you feel about circling dates in your mind because we have kids too and things must be planned days/weeks in advance to have them spend the night elsewhere on order to enjoy a girls' night out or in. Good luck this weekend and I hope your wife gets to see Erin and I hope there are many more times after that.