"I'm cool with you . . . . "

“I’m cool with you.”

This has been stated to me, in one form or another, many, many times by many people.

Well, I’m cool with them, too, I suppose. But, unlike them, I do not feel any reason or compulsion to go around telling them that.

Even if I did, though, I would do so for entirely different reasons. I would do so for merited reasons, because they did something cool, or because they have earned their respective coolness in some cool way.

In my case, however, all I am is a simple tranny. I am a simple, goddamn tranny. Nothing more, nothing less.

As such, I have done absolutely nothing that should be viewed in a cool light other than be the broken, born-wrong person that I am. And that’s it. In other words, I haven’t earned crap yet.

But, however, I guess it should be at least some small consolation that I’m cool with some people, right? Better to be cool with folk than to not be cool, right?

Well, maybe. Maybe not. I suppose it's all a matter of perspective.

As it relates to perspective, the difficult question that I wrestle with is just exactly why are some people cool with me? I mean, am I cool with them because I have had the distinction of being born in the wrong body? Am I cool with them because I have lied to and deceived both them and myself pretty much my entire life about who and what I really am? Am I cool with them because I now have the opportunity to risk completely blowing up my entire life, family, and career while I do all I can to fix myself and become the real, authentic person that I so desperately need to be?

I mean, why are people cool with me? Seriously??! Is it so simple that they are cool with me just by virtue of the fact that I am a tranny? Or are they cool with me for some other reason entirely that I just don't understand?

It just doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s also seems very much silly, even.

“I’m cool with you.”

Yeah, I guess so.

And to those that would point out the obvious, believe me, I get, understand, and very much appreciate that such people who offer these sentiments are very-well intentioned, loving, innocent, good, sweet people. I get it. I really do.

In fact, historically, it was not so long ago that I used to greedily eat such words up. They meant a lot to me, even, and the more acknowledged the better. Back then, among other things, these words served to validate and legitimize me in some manner.

Regardless, whether right or wrong, in the here and now, as I have continued to grow and evolve, I am really beginning to hate hearing these things from folk now.

Because the thing is, the overwhelming chances are that those who state such things are cisgendered, and do not have even remotely the first clue or idea what it’s like to be me. Instead, they take folk such as themselves completely for granted on this basis, as if it is the most natural thing in the world. Which to them it is, I suppose. Not that I would know, but still.

As for me, though, all these things do now are serve to highlight even further that I am different from almost the entirety of the remaining population. To be sure, I presume that I must also be viewed and perceived by them as different, too, or the guilty parties would have no reason to tell me how cool they are with me, followed by the usual declaration that it is okay by them that I go ahead and transition.

Here’s the rub, though, and why it is really beginning to bother me – I do not want to be viewed as different. Not by others, and not by my self. All I want is to just be. Like everyone else, I want to be normal, too. And I want to be normal by being me. I want to be simply me, and that’s it. That’s all.

There is nothing more.

“I’m cool with you.”

Well, good for you. Be cool with me, if that makes you feel any better.

Just please stop, though, and don’t say it to me. Just don't do it. Please.

Sigh.

OK, I understand what you're saying. None of us want to believe that we are needy of the judgments of others. We can be offended by others presuming they have the right to declare to our faces whether they are good with us or not. As if we were something that can be permitted or not on the whim of another.

On the other hand, I remember your recent reaction to someone who wasn't so cool with you. A long-term friend who walked. So maybe you need that validation just a little more than you are letting on.

Things have been a little rough lately, Anne. The raw edges are showing just a little.

Maybe you need to take that as a simple affirmation and not over analyze it. Being viewed as different may not be what you or I want, but it's nearly inescapable. What preceded your coming out, even what you describe as years of deceit and denial, can't reasonably be viewed as something you inflicted on others. You were and remain the primary victim of all that internal discord.

So, if someone says they are cool with you...they are simply saying in the common vernacular that they accept you as you are, not as you were or pretended to be. Be cool with it.

Anne, I don't think the comment is descriptive of you as much as it describes their own internal processes. You no doubt are the only transwoman they know, so they're checking in with themselves to see how their brains are processing the information. And after some reflection, they unfortunately chose to let you know the results. I did the same the first time I saw a TG. I didn't tell her I was cool with her though (I didn't know her), but I needed to internally acknowledge a new category of people that I had not previously been familiar with. Observed, processed, noted.

After processing the knowledge that there are some people who are not in sync with their physical bodies, I never had to process it again, not with any other transwoman that I met.

FACT: There are no documented Humans that can read minds. Whether they are "regular" folks that always make sure they are wearing clothes from the "correct" department or folks that fall anywhere on the TG spectrum and choose to present themselves a bit differently from the norm.

Since it's not really possible to know someone's INTENT with a comment/compliment, I think life is much easier and simpler to just give folks the benefit of the doubt and not fret about the WHY.

Personally, I would bet that almost everyone you hear that from, is offering it as a compliment...

If someone were to compliment you on your hair or makeup, would you be mad and assume it's because they busted you?

Anne, if you would like to test the limits of your coolness with these folks then I suggest you tell them that you own "real leopard hair leopard print fur thongs and real giraffe hair giraffe print fur thongs."

(http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-Thong-Panties)

In addition to the valuable insight you will gain into your friends' tolerance, you will be doing the trans community a great educational service.

Please record the reactions for us.

Anne's premise is spot on. I will go a step further

We are dehumanized, marginalized and sexualized by society.
If society treated us with respect and equality, we wouldn't be here in our 40's 50's and 60's talking about the ups and downs of transition

I am way past being bitter and feeling sorry for myself over this.

We can overcome it in our day to day lives by rising above the bullcrap and transitioning WELL. Kathryn talks about this all the time.

Do they tell you about the gay friends or cousins they have to when they say those things? I found that to be very common with comments like you describe. "oh my cousins gay, so I know all about it and I'm fine with you". Just love it!

We may be cool, but we are on the outside looking in...and many folks that are "cool with us" are cool with us in a way that is pathetically shallow and superficial
its totally gratuitous and unnecessary to say it......that's what she is saying..

"oh fur, you have a job...I'm cool with that."... "oh fur, you got married, ...i'm cool with that"... "oh fur, you are 5'11", i'm cool with that"....saying these things makes no sense...
but simply because we are transsexual people feel a need to decide whether they are cool with that...and they tell us!!!!
this was Anne's point...she is exactly right.... this guy may be supportive that's great...we are better supported today than ever..thats not what the post was about.

I have been called courageous , I have been told by people they proud of me...that I must be so strong...the best ones' are "i'm glad your happy"...well guess what butthead, i'm glad you are happy too!!! but I don't feel the need to say it

however, every single guy I've ever met dropped his interest once he "found out"...and after two years I gave up sending my resume and having conversations with excited recruiters and headhunters who never called me back after their background check... that is your world... the fact that people still need to say "i'm cool with that" is the problem....and frankly I found Anne's take clever and insightful and only slightly negative

I think I may be EVEN COOLER. So many of my friends say 'Totally cool' with you. They started out just cool.
'I'm totally cool, I have a gay friend, so I understand'. I'm still trying to figure that one out!

when someone tells you this just smile and tell them you appreciate it, tell them you hope they appreciate how much better it will sound to the next person that they tell that "they're cool" when they can say they have a tranny friend! You really want to test the limits? Tell them that you don't consider someone a friend until you've really hugged it out and hold your arms open lol. Let them run the tranny gauntlet!

You have no control over what other people think, and frankly it isn't even your business, even when they make it so without understanding how what they are saying sounds.

You know the only social group that I can think of that never hears that? White straight guys. Remember that when you're bitching (and rightfully so) about how screwed up things are.

My BIL oftentimes gets mistaken for a waiter at social events he attends. He graduated top of his class from a top 10 university, editor of the law journal at a top 10 law school, incredibly gifted guy, a natural leader, very active in charities, he has a clerkship lined up in DC with one of the most powerfully politically connected judges in the country. I wouldn't be surprised if one day he is a CEO, or even a supreme court justice considering the arc he is traveling on right now. I remember him telling me about a party he had attended a while back at his law school and how he was told to bring more wine or whatever by some of the guests that were there. Very few people can see past his skin color at first glance, and he's hershey's special dark ya know?

Maybe it's having something and then losing it that makes it harder, I don't know.

I recognize and realize the phrase, "I'm cool with you..." can be offensive and superficial. It can be taken as an insult. Just as someone calling me a "young man" was extremely offensive and insulting to me. These kinds of things can hurt, especially when we sense the person saying it isn't being sincere and giving you a false compliment. However; my point is that we as a whole a group/population of society as transsexuals have made significant progress in acceptance in society compared to just a few short years ago.
Although these kind of superficial compliments can hurt. They also can be perceived for what they are. Someone who is very uncomfortable with us changing our sex gender and struggling to rap their heads around it all, is reaching out to us on some caring level and expressing the best way they can the fact that they are in deed attempting to accept us for who we are. I think this is progress! I'd much rather have someone say, "I'm cool with you...." than call me "young man," or some other form of obvious insult with intent to injure.

I think people are still adjusting to the presence of transexuals and have an internal need to verbalize their "adjustment." Anne doesn't need to hear it, but they need to say it. After all, Anne, you call yourself a "simple tranny," not a simple person or a simple woman, so you admit you're different. For many people, trannies are still remarkable.

I do think Anne overreacted a little, mostly because her sensitivity is showing a little more than usual (hard to believe, but true) as indicated by the expression of general weariness.

But there IS a (possible) offensive presumption here, no doubt. Anne messaged me to tell me she was cool with me, "despite it all." My response:

Quote:

---

Thank goodness! I feel so, so ... valid.

And thank you for overlooking, forgiving, waiving, and magnanimously tolerating my admittedly non-standard, handicap-like characteristics.

I'm grateful and will, of course, maintain a humble and subservient demeanor at all times, now that we've established your superiority.

---

So, yes.

Still, WHY is THIS particular formulation offensive? If someone listened attentively, thought for a second, then said "I can accept that" - would that be better? Something about "cool" implies edginess or marginality. But still, doesn't the interpretation depend on the intent and relationship? How about "I'm cool" issued with an attitude that conveys that the information is utterly irrelevant?

So Anne, why was it offensive in this case?

...maybe you've never been cool before and find it difficult to accept. They are saying they like you because you are different from what they know about the group....

Sorry for butting in, but what I think Anne was getting at is the fact that she is not in need of the approval of anyone to be who she is. In essence, "...oh.. you're cool with me? Well thank goodness! I was SOOO losing sleep over that VERY question! Now that you've cleared it up, I can get on with my life!". Think of it this way: Would anyone think it's appropriate for someone to say to a friend who's obese, "...Hey... I'm cool with that..". The real truth is that it probably makes the FRIEND feel better about themselves. "Hey! Aren't I great for embracing my transsexual friend? I'm so.... hip!". How would it sound this way?: "..you know, I've got this friend Anne..? And she's a transsexual, but she's really nice & I'm totally cool with it..!". Just like the old racist nugget "...I've got lots of black friends, and they're all really really nice.." as if to imply that being black and nice is somehow out of the ordinary, and Anne is nice despite the fact that she's TS. I relate 100% to Anne's frustration of being the subject of someone's judgement of whether or not THEY are cool with ME. I dream of the day that a conversation about me among my friends goes something like, "Oh Jillian? She's really cool - can't wait for you to meet her!!". I would DEFINITELY be cool with THAT.

Sometimes people who are different tend to catch hell. What they are saying is that your gender expression isn't an issue to them. Kind of an empathy thing.

When they say they are cool with you, take it as, "This doesn't effect how I feel about you".

And earning something - A lot of GM would not have the nerve to express themselves as they like and we do so that is good for something.

"im cool with you"

the subtle violence of a well meaning lost soul groping in the dark. I can dispense with their judgement. How did I invite the measure of their ill conceived standard that would render me "cool" for what?

It is kind of like my reaction to someone when I tell them thank you and they respond with..."no problem"

I know what they mean but it is rude.

It is not rude at all. It is just another way of saying "Don't mention it", I.e. the thank you was not needed. At least that is what it means wherever I have been. How is it rude? Maybe I missed something.

It just sounds rude and uncaring. As if it really was a "problem" or even could have possibly been one. The polite response would be "you're welcome". It is like blowing it off.

I'm from the south remember? A "thank you" is Always needed. A lot of us here are like that. Maybe I am just weird too.

Isn't there basically two elements to that little phrase? One is of acceptance, the other is indicative of some ignorance. How in the world can we blame someone for not understanding trans? It takes most of us a while to wrap our heads around it too.

Maybe an argument can be made that it is impossible to accept something that someone is ignorant of? I don't think so, acceptance does not imply understanding necessarily. But it is a FRIENDLY gesture, and that is worth something to me

I think that is key here. Unless you are TS you will never really understand it at all. You may accept it, or have no problem with it or even be cool with it but will never understand it. Can't blame someone for that.

Someone doesn't understand what I am...I'm cool with that. Sometimes I don't either.

It may be overly-simplistic but I see such a phrase in the same light as those who go out of their way of telling others they have gay friends and are "cool with it". Not judging whether it is right or wrong in any case, it seems that the Muggles feel good by going out of their way pointing out the diversity of their friends and acquaintances. Ooooh look, I have a gay friend, I'm soooooo Bohemian.

But there's probably a deeper seeded need here on their part to validate being tangentially part of something that is likely utterly different from they way they are. Such validation often includes a need to share.

Or it may be very simple and innocent, that some Muggles out there really do understand the social land mines we navigate and truly want you to know that they are in fact a safe haven for you.

Who knows unless you ask?

I like SJ's closing question a lot. (And asking the question belies condescension.).

WHY don't we ask in circumstances like this? SJ's question made me realize how seldom I do. Not only that, but I don't even perceive the slight much of the time, which mystifies my wife. I think it's because I unthinkingly accept the underlying judgement or, in the cases where I do perceive it, I would have to step outside of my safety zone to challenge it (a question qualifies). The latter bit of moral cowardice is also easy to gloss over as a posture of humility and non-confrontation.

Lea, you make a good point of why not ask. Maybe we could look at it in two ways. If it bothers one enough to comment to others about it, i.e. they are having problems ignoring it, then maybe they should ask what the person means when they say something like that. By all means ask in a nice way. The other way of looking at it, you hint at in your ending sentences is why don't people ask more. You mention your safety zone, and moral cowardice. How about, it doesn't bother me enough to make an issue out of it, or to make it a bigger issue than it really is. When one concentrates on the big issues that they can do something about and ignore, or at least try to ignore those issues that are mostly out of their control, they simplify their lives, clear the clutter from the desk (mind) and can have a more positive and I would say happier outlook on life, even in times when we have a hard time not blowing up. Anyway, all comments are food for thought.