Is 2014 the year you out yourself to your wife or SO?

Whether it is or is not, I am sure there are plenty of new lurkers and many members who want to use the new year as a reason to tell their loved one that they are a cross dresser. First and foremost, you can do it and if your relationship is on a solid foundation, can survive this revelation. The choice is yours but I wanted to comment on one horrible mistake not to make.... Outing by leakage.

I have read numerous threads over the last few years about cross dressers wanting to leave hints in hopes that a wife will collect such hints as if they were a detective on some TV drama and reach a calm, reasoned conclusion that, "Oh, my husband must be a cross dresser." NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Imagine what the TV detective would do without a dead body. He'd walk past clues left and right and would not connect the dots. Cross dressing is your dead body. Your wife or girlfriend likely does not even have "cross dresser" in her lexicon. Hints, clues, games, whatever are not going to cause her to ask you about it nor will they eliminate the surprise. She will be shocked. Don't kid yourself. In fact, those hints are more likely to cause her to have unfounded fears.

If you are ready to tell your spouse, you need to prepare yourself. Get your words thought out. Pick a low stress time when you have her full attention and tell her EVERYTHING. One time. Full disclosure. Failure to do so will cause a growing distrust. Lastly, set your expectations appropriately. Coming out does not mean she will embrace it. She may hate it. She may be scared. She may be curious. Whatever the response, it is a fair one. You don't get to cop an attitude. This is about you shocking her, nothing more. You get one chance to do this right. Make the most of it.

Best wishes to all,

and please, my intent is not about "should you" but "if you do"

I agree entirely. First, accurately assess your marital situation....get that right in whatever way you can before adding to your problems. Then remember that quite possibly the worst way to come out is by accidental discovery. The second worst is by leakage or supposedly subtle hints. And third is coming out ill prepared.

I would like to add a thought too. By prepared to fully describe where you feel you are at. If you leave her to research on her own and don't explain how you feel, then in her mind you will be everything she reads. Try typing "crossdresser" into Google and read the first page or two. This will be you including that she will think you are sharing your pictures with the world (you might be). So tell her up front and let her know how you feel so she has something to corral her thoughts with.

From my own experience I can say it would be much better to tell her and be up front about it that just letting her find out. In my case, it took some time, but thing worked out in the end. As has been suggested here it's what kind of foundation your marriage has, if it is solid or not. I can say that it took awhile to get back the trust that was lost and a lot communication. My wife still doesn't fully understand that my dressing is about sex. Just because I am dressed doesn't mean I am after sex. I have tried to get her involved in the forums but she doesn't have any interest in doing so.

The advice about having your facts and being ready to give them and provide information from outside sources is spot on. No matter how much she loves you at that point in time she may not be willing or ready to believe what you have to tell her. She may need to see that or hear from someone else what cross dressing is all about. It might be nice to have a copy of something like "My Husband Wears My Clothes" where the knowlege base comes from the spouse.

At any rate, if you do decide to come to that special person in your life this year I wish you all the luck in the world doing it. It takes courage, but in the end it will be worth it.

While I agree that honesty is the best policy, to each her own.... I was almost outed by leakage (love that term) and the SO almost launched the D word. I'm not ready to live in a little shack paying alimony and losing the house and kids... Once the kids move out, I may begin the discussion...

Renne......

One of the best things that came out of my telling my wife was when she asked how long ive been wanting to CD/tell someone and she was sad that I have had no one else to talk to about it. I also feel bad that she has no one to talk to about it as our cirlce of friends are all married with kids like us.

No. I'm only Jamie 1% of the time and my SO made it clear years ago that she can't accept this. She believes I quit doing this, so that's the way it has to be. I can't give up the other 99% of my life so deep it the closet I stay. Yes, honesty is the best policy, and the hiding & sneaking stinks but that's the way it needs to be. I already believe that the 1% side of me is getting harder to keep at bay as I grow older and that I'm probably on a collision course with disaster, but I'll keep my head it sand and hope it just fixes itself. Sorry to be a downer, just had to complain for a minute.

I totally agree with what Jennifer has said. I came out to my wife almost 2 years ago using Jennifer's letter on "how to tell your wife". I used it as a template on how to word the subject (had to amend it to a more Brit style, as we are two nations separated by a common language :heehee:) and having completed it to my satisfaction, I rehearsed so many times, it flowed easily when the big reveal came.

Not only do you need to feel sure that your relationship is strong enough to bear this revelation, but also, don't in anyway feel that you must do this because others have suggested you do.


Rebecca

Very sage advise & yes to your question . Like Rebecca said, I will use your template when the reveal happens.

I agree with the advice given above. It seems that the holiday season is a prime time to have "the talk."

This may not be the wisest course of action as the holidays are already stressful. Take someone who is already strung out on decorating, cooking, entertaining, buying and wrapping presents, visiting with relatives, etc. and hit them with this revelation and you might achieve a very undesired result. It might be better to wait until things are back to normal.

I think it may also be a good idea to steer a conversation that is related to dressing to test the waters too. If you can find out her feelings about such things, before hand it can help your approach when you come out with it. It sounds a bit sneaky but it could be vital in helping her understand in my opinion.

I told my wife after several months into our relationship. She is a seamstress and through an ad on Craigslist, was commissioned to make a few night gowns for another crossdresser. This was my ticket. I asked numerous questions about him. What she thought of his 'hobby'. How it made her feel. And finally, how she would feel dating someone who was a crossdresser. Now don't get me wrong, it was a very tough thing to bring up. He ex-husband turned out to be gay, so I was battling a fear of hers that I would turn out to be gay as well. Finally, I told her I about Christy. (She wasn't actually named at that time and we came up with that name together) Things amounted how one could expect. Lets just say the next few months/years have been filled with educating my wife about what CD really is an what it means to me. (I'm still trying to figure it out).

Hopefully, the girls here that wish to out themselves to their SOs can have some of the same luck I had. Good luck darlings!

2014.. Its a new year with new opportunities. I would say its the perfect time to be who you are. Now of course its different for everyone but I definitely think its worth considering if you havent already done it.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

Pick a low stress time when you have her full attention and tell her EVERYTHING. One time. Full disclosure. Failure to do so will cause a growing distrust.

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I have trouble with the insistence on "full disclosure." I think that's an unattainable ideal for many, including my husband. He told me what he knew, as he figured it out. For us, it has been a series of conversations, sometimes teary conversations. But he wouldn't have been able to tell me about wanting forms & wigs at the beginning, when he was only thinking about wanting to wear panties. He wouldn't have been able to tell me about wanting to experiment with men, a couple of years ago. He evolved over time.

Maybe some of you can tell exactly how far you want this to go, and you can disclose everything to your spouse at one go. But I think many people only have a vague idea of what they want. And what they want can change, as time goes on.

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Originally Posted by Christy Stevens

the next few months/years have been filled with educating my wife about what CD really is an what it means to me. (I'm still trying to figure it out).

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Exactly, Christy. It's not so much "educating" your spouse about something you already know all about, as it is learning together what you want out of life, and being open to new ideas as they emerge.

I completely agree with Jennifer. Her advice is solid, and in my experience, valid and correct. Fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears a person can face. Dropping hints is liable to spur this like crazy in your spouse, making her wonder all sorts of stuff about what's going on with you, except, ironically enough, cross dressing.

The reason she won't think about cross dressing, no matter what hints you drop, is that simply put, there are no cross dressers in the happy community of heterotown - the city of heteronormative life. Your wife assumes you both live there in heterotown, and when you do come out to her, she'll discover that, in fact, she lives someplace other than where she thought she did. Externally, her life may look totally the same. Internally, it will almost certainly be different. Hopefully she can finally come to terms with the fact that you both now live on one of the more distant, and normal looking, suburbs of transville - a suburb that borders on heterotown anyway, and is externally virtually indistinguishable from it.

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Originally Posted by JessM.

Maybe some of you can tell exactly how far you want this to go, and you can disclose everything to your spouse at one go. But I think many people only have a vague idea of what they want. And what they want can change, as time goes on.

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edit: OK, I agree whole-heartedly with Jess here too. I think by "full disclosure", you should tell the truth about what's been going on with you up to the time you come out, and not hide any of that. I don't think you should make too many forward looking promises, which is what Jess is saying. Why would I say that? Because I was sure I was just a CD, but look at me now. I know many trans women who desperately wanted to be just a CD. I know that isn't a happy thing for the dear sweet GG's of this forum to hear, but it is the truth.

Jess, what I think Jennifer means by full disclosure is that nothing is held back, or kept hidden. Then it becomes another lie, regardless of intent or omission, and it only weakens trust even more. I do get what you say too though. The discussions, and acceptance of it all cannot be done in one at bat. And also, as it is for many, myself included and by what you say your H as well, when we Cders do begin to venture out of our own hiding spot, we grow, and evolve some. There is a type of progression, some more than others. And progression doesn't necessarily mean that we actually are more feminine or need it more. It could also be just accepting ourselves more, feeling more comfortable with ourselves, and sometimes learning things that we like to do or ways we feel that we hadn't ever given ourselves a chance to prior. So for whatever it is that we do know and have figured out, we should tell our S/O's this. If asked a particular question that we do know the answer to, we should respond truthfully.

My wife is one who will be ok talking about it, but has a limit as to how long a conversation will be. And that limit can either be just a few minutes or in some cases much longer, depending on the exact nature of the talk and how she is feeling about it. With knowing that, sure, don't hit her with hours and hours of convos every day spilling everything, at least not in my case, she could not handle that much at a time.

Jess, Gendermut got it right.: "...nothing is held back, or kept hidden. Then it becomes another lie, regardless of intent or omission, and it only weakens trust even more. "

As a concrete example, one can not come out by saying all they want to do is wear panties when in fact they know they want to wear dresses as well. Providing bits and pieces can only result in the SO walking on eggshells waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JessM.

Maybe some of you can tell exactly how far you want this to go, and you can disclose everything to your spouse at one go. But I think many people only have a vague idea of what they want. And what they want can change, as time goes on.

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That is true Jess. None of us can predict the future. If one is to disclose, they can only talk about the here and now and maybe the path taken to get there. But to try and say what will be is really rolling the dice. I wouldn't want to hear of someone not disclose because they thought they were ready, but didn't because they weren't sure how far they would go.

Yes, I agree with PaulaQ and gendermutt that it's good to report truthfully everything that you know for sure, and to answer her questions as truthfully as you can. And to pay attention to whether she's feeling overwhelmed, and try to go at her pace (or close to it).

I have had the best luck with telling my SO up front in the relationship.

Holy Crow, in your case the SO is accepting and a seamstress.... That's kind of like winning the lottery twice. LOL

2014 will be the year I find a boyfriend who knows about my CD up front and admires it :) that's the goal, anyway!

I can only reiterate what has been said.
Lay your cards on the table and do not embellish any advantages you perceive in dressing.
For the other party, remember there are no perceived advantages.

I am hoping that this is the yesar of my reveal/tell. As Ive posted before, our daughter is getting married in august and my wife has several medical problems. I actually told her before we got married (28 yrs ago), but stopped dressing until a few years ago. I hope she will be in a much less stressfull place before the end of 2014, and that I will not slip up. If I do, I'm doing the best I can to prepare for being outed. I truly appreciate the advice and encouragement I've gotten from the forum.

Very good advice for those who "want/are prepared" to come out to your SO. The other thing I can add is that when you are ready, you will know it. For me it came to a point where I could not function in my daily interaction with my wife (call it guilt, shame, confusion . . . whatever) I had to tell her as she thought I was having an affair (BTW I wasn't). My point here is if you get to that point in your relationship where hiding is causing you pain or possibly damaging your relationship due to an inability to communicate, then it is probably time to have the talk. As Jennifer stated, it may go good or it may go bad but if your relationship is already heading the precipice because of hiding the true you . . . you don't have much too loose. However, if you are happy, things are good and no issues . . . then it might not be the time to spill the beans.

All to say, choose wisely as once Pandora's Box is opened, it can't be closed . . . interesting side note about Pandora's Box, not only did it release all that evil in the world but contained within was the Spirit of Hope . . . Elpis. :)

Hugs

Isha

Jennifer, I think it's really all good advice and very balanced. A part of me would love to share with my wife, to be done with the secrecy, but the bigger part is saying: Hey, you choose not to tell at the outset of the relationship (that was complex enough on its own...) and now you own that responsibility. I'd fully support Jamie's perspective of how much time you need as your femme self might well be a criteria - and it's not likely to be the same for everyone. I've just worked out I might be at about 4-5% currently, and that's not enough for me to risk major relationship upheaval right now. I'm genuinely admiring of those who share absolutely everything with their SO - for some of us, it's just not possible...
But's it's all good advice... and definitely avoid leakage... :bonk:
Katey x

I hope it can be the year to tell but I am not planning to. I have made it this long and think I am OK. I admire those that can tell their wives/SO and get full acceptance but that is a risk that I am not planning on taking at this time. I don't want to be a single dad and so far I have found the balance on dressing enough to keep the girl side of me satisfied. Would it be nice to wear a pair of tights or pantyhose around the house? Absolutely but I am not ready at this time to accept what MIGHT happen if she found out

My wife already knows but she does not know how my desires have grown over the years. I am going to try and involve her more in 2014, and if she does not want to participate more than I will respect that. I am cautiously optimistic that this will be positive. One the TV shows we watch together is Project Runway, and we always share our thoughts on the different outfits. It is actually a lot of fun.

Karen

I may come out to my sister this year since I am divorced with no S/O at the moment.
She is open minded however the rest of the family may be to shocked to handle..lol
I hope it would be our secret till the kids are grown.
Wish me luck and any ideas what the first outfit I should wear in front of her.

Carol, I highly recommend that you avoid the shock and awe when you disclose this to anyone. A face to face conversation in your natural male state is the ticket.