The right time to come out…? Maybe not…

The most surprising thing happened to me yesterday – and started the day before that… Those of you that know me here also know that I have been firmly in my closet… to date… My wife (call her Elle) has never been big on makeup but has always majored in nails. She used to have gorgeous acrylic and epoxy enhancements that were like talons :eek: - and very sexy. Even recently she has always looked after her own nails and is continually coating, recoating, stripping, polishing, oiling… it’s a real labour of love for her and I enjoy watching her do it and we talk about it.
So – she was doing her nails Friday evening and had out her selection of colours: deep reds – pinks – dark purples… and jokingly says to me “ When I’ve finished mine, we must choose a colour for you..” and laughs – as my heart nearly leaps out of my chest cavity into my wine. “Yes.. we must…” I mumble – wondering – does she mean that?

Saturday evening arrives – she’s continuing the process (serious stuff: base coat; 3 layers of colour; clear top coat) so fortified by an earlier glass of wine, I get out her box of varnish bottles and say: “So what colour do you recommend…” and the conversation goes….
Elle: “Are you serious…”
K: “Yes I’m serious – you said yesterday you’d help me choose a colour…”
Elle: “What – you’re seriously going to paint your nails…?”
K: “Yeah – why not. If you’ll help…” Pause.
Elle: “ Go on then…”
So I did! :yahoo: Chose a lovely deep red – sat and watched a movie with her, and painted my nails.
Of course, she thinks this is funny and a bit strange, but she humours me, and tells me I don’t do a bad job for a first coat. And I’m so happy inside… Let’s see how things are in the morning.
I take her the morning cup of tea and she sees my nails and laughs. Asks me if I’m keeping it on – I tell her, for a while, I have nowhere to go today. But I’m wondering if this conversation might be going further, or if I should push it further and then she says, in a friendly way…
Elle; “ I’ve never known any man that would paint his nails. The only man I’d think who’d paint his nails would be gay or a transvestite. <Pause> Do you enjoy having them lie that?”
K: “ Yeah – it’s different. It’s kind of sexy…”
Elle: (still friendly) “You’re a pervert, you are..”

And at that, I think the moment passed. It wasn’t the right time – I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be accepting of anything more for the moment. But maybe if I painted them again, next weekend… And at least today, I have been able to look at my fingers all day, typing, in the kitchen, around the house and see a coating of Rimmel’s deep red ‘Celebrity Bash’ looking back at me – my fingernails are crossdressed at least, and out to my wife!
Baby steps… :thinking: What do you think...?
Katey x

Katey, I think you are misreading this scenario. She is not thinking "I wonder if my hubby is a cross dresser?" Doing your nails was just a weird diversion and has no deeper meaning. You seem to want her to connect the dots and ask you if you are a cross dresser. It won't happen. Leaking this reality is a bad idea. If YOU are ready for the conversation then you need to do so entirely in man mode and with full disclosure. At that point she will connect the nail polishing dots but not before.

Good luck

for all of us, a thing to remember is that we are highly less clever at disguising and hiding and deceiving than we give ourselves credit for. Over time a partner picks up on many things and if you are like me, you show inclinations of your other self by watching certain things, looking at certain magazines etc. etc.

they more oft know than not... whether they like the reality of being told about the extent... well who knows. bottom line is she likely does..

Vanny

Katey... Timing is the key to life; whether it's sex, friendships, a job find, having children , golf, etc. You & I are in the same situation - wives with medical needs-- and thus stifled our feminine journeys. Kate, I believe that the time is drawing near for both of us to share our femininity with our spouses. Only you can assess the timing, but from my readings re: your many posts, it appears that Katey is about to take her bow. I will pray for your success... You deserve happiness & peace, Mel

Hi Vanny,
I use to push certain magazines to one side but now I'll thumb through them hoping it may get picked up on and as you say watching things I never use to.
Katey I'm surprised you got away with doing your nails, do you think your wife would have done them if you asked if she wanted to practice on someone or try out a new colour ?

Hi Katey,

Interesting story . . . cross dressing nails :)

This is a hard one to read. While I don't think your wife believes you are CD just because you wanted to paint your nails . . . it still must have put a moment of wonderment in her mind. I mean, unless you have a proclivity for doing things for fun at the spur of the moment . . . painting nails would seem a bit odd :heehee:

Did you miss a chance? Hard to tell. You might want to bring the subject up (CDing in general terms) in a week or two and judge her reaction to the conversation. In the meantime . . . enjoy those cross dressed nails. I did mine the other day with Rimmell Rags to Riches (Green) and loved them.

Hugs

Isha

Hi Katey,

I like the term cross dressing nails too, but I don't think that is a notion your wife is considering. Mine was happy with the lingerie and bed scenario but the whole CD thing is another story. She accepts, I was dressed when she got in from work today, but cuddles only happened after I changed back to boy mode early this evening.

Melissa allluded to your wanting to get out of the closet and as per her phrase, I also think that Katey is looking to take a bow. Whether this is a possibility remains to be seen, but you might just strike the wrong chord if you go for the painted nails again, but ultimately, only you can know that. On the other hand, she may be totally OK with your cross dressing nails. :heehee:

Rebecca

Katey we both know I am the WRONG person to give wifey advice to anyone...but I will congratulate you on your baby step.
You...you're good you...

I am absolutely the wrong person to make a judgment about the deeper meaning of "Nails 2014." I hardly know what's going on in my own head most of the time, much less trying to get into someone else's head based on a brief but articulate narrative. All I will say is that I hope that this tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel will be everything you desire and more. I've always appreciated your messages and think of you as a kindred spirit even though our lives and circumstances are very different. Cheers!

As usual Jen said it like it probably is --- new approach needed while in guy mode. However one glimmer of hope in that she said "gay or transvestite". Means to me that she likely, in some unknown manner, knows that there is a difference or not necesarily the same. Now, if you can figure out how she obtained that bit of info you can take it from there.
Just a thought
Julie

It's hard to know what your wife made of it Katey. Honestly, the first time I shaved my legs (my legs have always had weird random patchy hair - some parts perfectly smooth always, some parts with regular guy hair), I told her I wanted to make them uniform, and it was easy to make them uniformly hairly than hairy.

My wife was ultimately unaccepting, and told me later that she didn't read my gender issues into my action, she just hoped it was a phase that would pass. A spouse who was ultimately accepting might well decide "you know, that was fun at the time, so OK, let's see how this goes."

That she went to "transvestite" does suggest that this is crossing her mind - most people don't go there straight away. Since she also mentioned "gay", she may start to worry about the idea that you are gay way more than you being a cross dresser.

Timing is one of those things that I think really doesn't play into this. If she's ultimately unaccepting, even telling her on the day you buy her a new car isn't going to fix it. If she's accepting, then provided you don't tell her while the house is on fire (or other disaster), or she doesn't discover it accidently, then the timing won't matter much either.

I'm glad you got to do your nails though. It does feel awesome, doesn't it?

Consider it to be one more brush stroke on the canvas of your life. Follow that up with another, and another. Then one day when you and she are ready, and you make your disclosure, she will connect the dots and tell you she already knew. If you also paint with the compassionate, helpful, supportive husband brush, the image may look better than without them.

Best wishes
MsVal

Congrats on the first step Katey.


this is a huge step, you need do decide of your wife will be willing to accept this side of you.
of course you know this could go both ways, If you think she will accept, then hiding is never good,
it always seems to come out on the end. Not really sure that hinting about it is the best way either.


but you have to do what you feel is right n your relationship.
I will be hoping for the best for you.


:hugs::hugs:

Katey,
Just go with the flow, don't try to embellish the situation too much as this may turn your wife off.
Go about it normally as if you do it regularly and it may grow into something more acceptable.
Yes call it a baby step for now.
Be ready to step back though and do not show disappointment when you do.

Hey Katey,

Bev just said what I would say.

Christen X

Hey all, :)

As always - thank you for your thoughts and observations - pretty much all of them ring true to some part of me - and deep down I think I knew I was always on the thin side of hope that this was anything more than just a bit of 'weird fun' on a weekend from her perspective. But who knows - time will tell, but I'll not be throwing myself head first over any uncertain precipice just yet... too much at stake.

But it was a singularly happy and awesome day just to be going about my usual things with these 10 little, red beacons of coquettishness flashing at me whenever I had cause to do anything - even just typing here... Sadly they've all been acetoned now, and by gad isn't that stuff stubborn to get out of every nook and cranny? At least I have learned not to apply that and expect all traces to be gone very easily.

Sweet dreams all - it's been a memorable day at least.... :cheer:

Katey x

A fun day at least, Have a good night. :hugs:

I read this noting great irony, since in my own life "the talk" occurred today. I have been an active but totally closeted crossdresser for more than twenty years, and inactive but aware of my tendencies for many years before that. My wife was completely unaware. Following a recent period of soul searching, and what I consider wise counseling from friends on another site, I broke the news today. It was a total shock for her, and many tears were shed (mostly, I confess,by me). But in the end, I am reminded why I love this extraordinary woman. We are not yet out of the woods, but...we live in hope.

Glad you had a good day with your nails , since the Bruce Jenner nails photos hit the internet , caught a lot of flak about my nail length and suspicions of further gender issues. So will now let my SO approve of there length. She was right though they did get extremely long, a note to others if wifes nails really don t grow much , DON'T have yours a lot longer and shaped so girly.
@ Samantha , you have taken the first step , though it is a VERY bumpy road ahead. It also can bring you closer together in a lot of aspects also....Hugs:battingeyelashes:

Hi Katey, The only thing that I know for sure is the next time use a clearcoat first then the reds as a topcoat
and if your wife ask how you know about doing that , Just tell her that Orchid told you about that.

I'd paint them again as soon as timing was right...no rush to
need to remove the polish.

She'll either say "now, that's enough of that!"...or...you'll have fun
with it again.

She's seen that now, so it's not gonna be a shock of any kind.
That may tell you something...

:happy:

Just to add to the chorus, it is doubtful that your wife will be thinking "my husband is a crossdresser at this point." Before I came out to my wife, we had this thing we called "winter toes." It started when she had some silver nail polish and I remarked how neat it was. She asked if I wanted some, and... well what do you think happened, I said yes, of course! She painted both of my big toes. And I would leave them like that for weeks. It was our big secret, and we did it for a couple of winters before I came out. However, her big thing was no super girly colors (no red or pink, just metallic or black, etc.). When I finally came out, it was a big surprise to her. Sure, she pieced together various clues after the fact, but she claims that none of my "signals" (including my love of tights, wearing a wig "as a lark", etc.) were understood as they were intended before that. I think our SOs only see what they want to see.

Kate, I read your post with my fingers crossed, while biting my cheek hoping for the best for you. I was saddened by the fact it did not turn out the way you'd have liked. I was invigorated to see that you were in good spirits about it. But I am still hoping that you will find a way to a good result.

I will reiterate that we do tend to telegraph who we really are. The weekend before I came out to my GF, her mother had commented that I always seemed so in touch with my female side while we were out shopping at the mall. My GF and I exchanged looks, because she knew of my love for lingerie, just not my desire to dress. But we can be obvious without even realizing it. Oddly, what made her mom say that, was that she had simply asked my opinion on some shoes, and I freely gave my opinions.

Don't let your judgement be impaired by the pink fog. As much as you would like to come out to her, are you sure she will be accepting? The fact that she called you a pervert, even though in jest, seems to me a red flag. But you know her, and I do not.

not sure I have much else to add but regarding the comment about "pervert"

perhaps this is the same thing that is thrown out by others to areas they do not comprehend so well...like kinky or
fetish or whatever....

i have a sneaking suspicion that..

Vanny

I agree with what was said earlier, see if you can quietly get a feel for her understanding of cross dresser and transvestite. Maybe watch an eddie izzard video, and casually ask her if she thinks he is gay. Don't infer you think he is because he is dressed up, just ask. Watch her mannerisms, listen to every word and pause in her response, and watch her face. Your answer may lay in there.

Well I don't know what you wife took away from it all, but as far as a start to coming out, well it's better than nothing, good luck, but keep your eyes open, the Gay or Transvestite remark could be hard to over come.
You might try a black or dark blue polish next time, and tell her you are going Goth?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Katey888

Sadly they've all been acetoned now, and by gad isn't that stuff stubborn to get out of every nook and cranny? At least I have learned not to apply that and expect all traces to be gone very easily.

---

You can bring up this issue, as a point of conversation, next time your wife is doing her nails. See if she gives you pointers?

However, the tangled web could result in your desiring to bring up the dressing issues, before you are ready, so be careful.

Hi Katey

I really hope that things will work out for you in the long run. An understanding GG is what we all want in the Christmas stocking. Wouldn't it be funny if after years of hesitancy you came out only to find that she's actually okay with it!

I always enjoy your insightful posts sprinkled with a bit of wit.

If you're not ready for disclosure then you need to slow yourself down and back off. Your own account of the story is full of indications that you're out on thin ice. Nothing in her responses to you suggest even a hint of acceptance or openness to crossdressing. That's not to say that it can't happen, only that it's not an open door. Proceed with caution at your own peril.

hi katey,

i have to agree with teri g.

but if and when you do it i suggest that you have a letter handy,
your talent for composing words and capturing feelings on paper will be at the ready for backup,
during my reveal i hit all the themes that wanted her to know and some i learned here, love only you, never been with anyone, since childhood ....ect.... ect,

what she heard was "im a transvestite", her only question was "where did you get the clothes"
she left the house to absorb it, when she returned she e-mailed me and asked all the questions which i stated to her during the reveal.
i wrote a letter to answer her questions with the last line stating some have a DADT arrangement, that what she chose, not perfect,
but she has become my wife again in a months time, i did want to tell sooner and thought better to wait after the holidays,
after you open the box it can not be put away.
were together 30 yrs just,
wanted to give some advise,
didnt mean to go on so.....

Not to derail the thread; but letters and email scare me so. I've had several TG friends who've essentially been blackmailed and blackballed by a supposedly "loving" spouse or SO after their reveal. You have to have massive faith and trust in your spouse and what their actions will be if you consider a letter or e-mail.

I agree there. U have to be careful who u tell sometimes

I'm overwhelmed by everyone's consideration of this - I want you all to know how much I appreciate what you are saying, each from your own perspectives and experience - thank you again.

Things have settled back to normal now - as I think we all expected they would... I don't have any pressing need right now to push this further - I think I'll leave this all a few weekends before even just asking her what she thought of my day with nails. My guess is it will be only a minor thing for her - not of any real significance. We'll see...

I take all your advice to heart - thank you - Katey x

I think Jamie is correct when she says," our wives see only what they want to". And the pink fog can and does effect our judgement, so be careful what you wish for. It's a process, even with a spouse who knows. Trust, love, acceptance....

Let us know her reaction, if u like :)

Given a choice, I'd rather have revealed when the tidal pull of the pink fog wasn't a factor. I'd have rather ed told her when that desperate need for acceptance wasn't there. But then, I might not have been driven to tell her.