The rumor mill at work

With all that I have been going through, I have become more open about who I am and my plan to transition with people at work. While most if my coworkers know, most recently managment and hr, there is still a handful that I have not personally told. Those that do know are supportive and know someone else that is or has been in my shoes. While my job has been accepting, open, and supportive, I am still going about things carefully, how I present myself, and keeping things on a down low. I don't want to rub it my coworkers faces when it comes to dressing or talking about the subject. I don't want to ruin the support and acceptance I have. Unfortunatly I found out that a couple of coworkers have told another coworker that didn't know what was going. That now makes me wonder if those that I haven't told do know or what people are saying when I'm not around.

Hi Billie,

From what I have read here about others who have transitioned, they have normally kept this true side of themselves very quiet and personal until that had worked out a decent plan with their employer, HR and managers, thus giving them time to figure out how to facilitate and make the process as smooth as possible. When all was pretty much ready, they would then have a company wide announcement and maybe meetings with fellow workers. This point for many also coincided with when they would start to go full time dressed as a woman at work, and after they had completed FFS, or GRS, or permanent facial hair removal. That doesn't mean that one can't follow another schedule and plan that better serves themselves. Since you are so far out already with your co-workers, maybe you could move part of your living and working full time as a woman up a little earlier than planned, or while working with management and HR get the word out to those around you. That provides the full and true information to those that matter and helps mitigate the typical inter company rumor mill from having negative impacts on your transition.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

That's the way it is with any major change in our life. Get hired, get fired, or quit or divorce or buy a new car and the rumor mill starts. Whenever possible you want to be the one in control of your own "press releases," especially to those close to you and to your employer, but after that the "reporters" nearly always take over. In the long run, although the rumors may not be the version of the story you would have preferred, it becomes "old news" and the "reporters" take on the next story.

Hugs,
Persephone.

BillieJo - I think there will always be rumours in any organisation - some founded on fact, some not - your situation would always likely be an 'interesting' one for many folk but it sounds like you and the management are handling this in totally the right way. You can't tell everyone, and like you say, this isn't about shouting it from every rooftop so unfortunately someone will be last to find out... At which point it definitely becomes old news.. :)

You're doing the right thing the right way - so keep on doing it!

Katey x

To me it sounds like you have handled it all the right way. You know that any place that involves people there will always be gossip that is human nature. But who cares as long as you are you and don't let anyone change it good luck

No matter how open you are you cannot control what people say to each other. Just go about your business, let it go and be yourself.:)

The time to start telling people is when the physical changes become noticeable unless you are in a truly accepting company. With work be sure to give it your all. Be sure to add value for the stock holders every day. With clear value added by your presence, it won't matter how you present. When you make the jump to female garb, be sure to be job appropriate and upscale professional.

Billie,
People will talk behind your back whether they know or don't know.
I always say, whilst they are talking about me they are leaving some other poor soul alone. :)

It is something that comes with the package I think.

Perhaps the thing to do is have a conversation with the person who was told. Don't assume what this person knows or doesn't know. Don't let on that you know that the person has been told. Start from the basics like you did with all of the others. This way, if there is some misinformation that was passed along if won't put the person that said it in a bad light.

The important thing is to go about things in such a way that people continue to listen. If there is anything that fuels their prejudices, they stop listening.

I don't think you can be partially out at work. Those left out of the loop will imagine all sorts of things, and then spread them. Those who have been told the straight goods, will know and love you as a trans person. Those just making it up from what they've heard will always paint you as something creepy, and perverted.
I think it's an all or nobody situation. Good luck.

I think there is something there. We do have to find a way we are comfortable with to come out, but when they have some information, and some inuendo, and see another thing, then they talk. They will talk no matter what but it helps to at least have some control over the information at the beginning. You will never control it all.

But then again once most know what is stopping you from going full time? Go for it.

Just continue being friendly with coworkers as if everything is fine. What others think of you is none of your business :)

I'd have to agree with Kate. Just be true to yourself. People will always talk about those who aren't around them at the time. An if their talking about me their leaving someone else alone. Lol.

I don't know if it's just me being overly sensitive, but it seems that I'm in some ways I'm being treated differently at work. For example; at my job there are three pods that cover a certain geographical location. Each employee is placed in certain pods based on the area they work out of, but we still can work with clients in other pods. So for me I have a couple clients in one other pod besides my primary. Well a couple days after telling my direct supervisor, she told the senior clinical manager in the other pod in which I have a couple clients. I was then called into the office for a meeting with my direct supervisor and pod clinical manager because they wanted to explain that I was being taken off those cases in the other pod. Their excuse was that the clients were always calling in sick, they had no control over cases in other pods, they want to keep me in just one pod, and help me improve my clinical skills. I was also written up a couple days after telling my direct supervisor for my attendance.

I have worked at my job for almost a year now and never had any issues at my job. But in the past month other things I've experienced are my hours being reduced, other employees being added to my cases load, and supervisors acting differently then they normally have; such as not talking to me, ignoring me, or not being as friendly. Is this normal and should be expected or am I just over reacting? Should I be concerned about my job with what I have describe? If I get let go could I clam it's discrimination? The law in California for job discrimination protects people who are TG, but I'm also an at will employee, meaning they can terminate me for any reason. My other major concern is that changes to hours being reduced by corporate will soon affect everyone at my office except management. Has anyone else had similar experiences? What was the outcome?

Let me put on my business suit & pumps for a sec...

The act of an employee suddenly making obvious, sometimes dramatic changes in appearance, behavior, etc is a red flag. This can mean that the employee is under unusual stress, life changes, drug use, or other thing that that means there is some instability happening in the employee's life.

It isn't just co-workers, its management.

If you decide that you want to suddenly start letting Her out at work, I suggest that one of the first people you clue in is your HR person. If they know what is going on in advance, they can help smooth the way with your boss & co-workers when rumors start to travel once you start to actually bring Her to work.

HR people are kind of a 'damage prevention' team in a good company. If there really is an intolerance in the company, you will know immediately. You can call Dewey, Chetum & Howe after you clean out your desk.

If you work for a place with a responsible HR dept, then they will realize that you have rights and protections, and will get themselves prepared to deal with the reports & questions.

*crosses legs*

*looks over glasses*

Make sense?

- MM

If you are going to transition at work it is important to have a good plan. I did not let anyone know or even suspect with the exception of HR, until the day I fully and legally transitioned.

I contacted HR anonymously last June. After discussions that were pleasant and supportive, and a promise to be completely behind me, I told them who I was and began the process. I kept it on a basis of this being a medical procedure, and the treatment being supervised by a team of medical, and legal professionals. We made plans and I prepared with no one else in the company knowing.

Once I had my FFS surgery planned and scheduled, and the court date for my legal name change, we had a meeting with HR, my manager and his two next level managers about the transition. This was in October.

In mid December I left work and began the surgery, time to heal, and had the name change completed. On Feb 4, 2014 we had a meeting with all employees in the region I work in and notified them of the change. The morning meeting I was not present but the employees were told the situation, supplied with a letter I wrote explaining this, and educated by HR on the company policies regarding a transition in the workplace. I was then introduced as Angela, and publicly responded to questions, and from that time I have worked as me.

When I left in December I was a man and upon return I was a woman, and the company notified all employees and customers that I have their full support.

It has been one month but so far there has been nothing but positive reactions from all I have had contact with.

Miss Moose said it very well. That is another good reason to start talking with HR to get everything lined up and hopefully have HR on your side. In the meantime document everything in a secure file or notebook with dates, times and who was there, and who said what. Hopefully, you will never need to refer to it. Yes, in California you are very protected. However, that doesn't mean that there are not legal means to circumvent those protections. Right now, do not be late or give them any other excuse to write something negative in your personal HR file. Also keep a low profile while doing the best that you can at work. Good luck.

You are very brave for attempting this. Even the most sophisticated and self proclaimed "open minded" individuals have unconscious judgements towards others who are different. Several years ago I had a friend who was an electrician who would vent at me because one of his coworkers was transitioning in the work place and no one wanted to deal with it. He would say things like:

"And now he expects us all to start calling him Tricia....what a joke."

"He is obviously messed up in the head."

I wish you the best on your journey and commend you on your bravery!

Where I work in Virginia the rumor mill went crazy when a mtf transition became public knowledge in our company. Part of the rumor included the person was a child of one of the upper staff in our company. I don't know about that, but what I do know is I kept looking for this person and I am enjoying watching the changes. I want to say how great it is, but keep my mouth shut. I only mention this as perhaps a company on the west coast has someone transitioning and some of the other employees are very jealous!
Genny B

I am planning my coming out at work. I Google'd for "coming out as transgender at work" and found lots useful information. Specifically, this guide at Susan's Place has been very informative and useful. It recommends the same two-step procedure as some have mentioned here: come out to "key personnel" first (HR, superiors in chain of command), then to everybody.

I hate to say it... no it is not normal. Go talk to a lawyer now and document everything in detail. When subtle and not so subtle things like that happen it is because someone in management (probably your most immediate manager) is concerned. The trumped up 'write up' is an excuse to use later on so they can claim you didn't perform. If you really were absent, that could be a problem, but not if you demonstrate it was a one time thing and now you are always early. I don't know the law where you are, if it is legal, I would talk to your manager and others about it and secretly record the conversations. People will often let the truth slip out and then try to cover it up later. Even if you don't need a lawyer, it is worth being prepared. Don't tell anyone what you are doing, you don't want them to get their defenses up, but start preparing for the worst.

All larger companies have HR departments well versed in TG transitions, etc. They will assure you that everything is just fine. In the few years that I've been our and about I've seen and heard enough horror stories that my only advice is to fly as low under the radar as possible and get ready for a rocky road ahead. Face facts, companies want employees who work well, don't rock the boat, present well to customers, and are reliable. Hormones and the transition process don't always contribute to those qualities.

Hi BillieJo,

While I am not transitioning I am out to quite a few folks at work as TG/CD although I only present "en boy" at work (military). My Commanding Officer knows as do other close work colleagues and friends. I am not running around handing out "Hi I am TG" cards but I will answer people's questions should they ask as I am not embarrassed or ashamed of being who I am. While some know others don't and I am quite confident the rumor mill has spun up as I do notice an odd stare from some of my Alpha Male work colleagues. However, sometimes I thing we can get a bit paranoid about others and invent what may seem to be odd reactions when they are just normal. I think you are handling it well and if you are comfortable with who you are then I would just ignore the odd reactions and continue down your path.

Hugs

Isha

You know I'm writting things down, but I think it's my head playing games, with so many quiencidences. As a behaviorist I work with lots of families, the community, and people at schools. So I know I'm bound to run into people that will have issues. The thing I need to consider is that I work in a office full of women, most have or are in the process of getting an MFT, are LCSW's, and/or are BCBA's (board certified behavior analysist). The two clients I mentioned in my other post are from the same family. I never had an issue with this family in the 6 months I've been working with them until a month ago, especially after getting my ears pierced. I did talk to my direct supervisor again today about some issues and I was reassured everything is okay. I do have a meeting with my clinical manager and the program supervisor for the clients sometime this week.

People will always talk behind your back. You'll never know the truth of what they say unless you comfort the people talking together. It's OK for them to talk as long as there is no harm done.

Officially had a meeting with office director and Hr today and it went well. They wanted to know where I was at in my process and about timeline in I plan on coming to work as BillieJo. They are behind me 100% and I guess hr and the area director are familiar with the whole process because another was transitioned before. After the meeting I was left having mixed emotions about everything and going forward with everything.

That is great to hear!

Billie Jo - that's still going the right way and you're working the system the right way too. If you keep doing it that way, HR and your management will appreciate that because it will make things easier for them and you'll keep them morally onside (they have to be legally onside anyway).

Continued Good Luck!

Katey x