Telling our SO

For 35years I have been dressing off and on have purged many times. I have a wonderful life with my wife and two grown kids now out of the house. I started to open up to my wife by having pedicure and manicures done every two weeks. Have gone from clear to color on my toes and nails all the time. I started shaving my legs and under arms, they are smooth all the time now boy that feels good. It was shortly after when I purchased panties and hoes and put them in my drawer that she asked me what was going on I told here I was a cross-dresser then came all the why questions and what was going on. I am not sure what she believes, but a few weeks ago I asked here for a time for me in the bedroom, bathroom, I did that because I have had no alone time for me, that did not go well the tears and questions why. I feel that we are damned if we tell and damned if we don't. You that have under standing So do not know how lucky you are. I an not ready to run off to dress out of the house just yet, I would rather not hide but there is very little understanding Frustrated.

From what I read it sounds as though you did more showing than telling at first. There had to be a much more subtle and discrete way to tell her than to just show up with color on your nails or buying foundation garments and expecting her to be okay with it all.

After thirty-five years of marriage the manner in which you came out to your wife appears to be rather startling. If she truly had no idea of your cross dressing would you not expect her to be somewhat shaken. You go from manicure and pedicure, which is probably no big deal in itself these days, but then you add nail polish. And, shave your legs and underarms. Wearing panties and hosiery. Then, bam! I'm a cross dresser. Not very tactful. Sure, she is entitled to ask a lot of questions.

It's not damn if you hide, damn if you don't. I can understand the frustration of not being able to explore your desires. I'm in a situation where I do have time to express Stephanie. Yes, I'm banging away on the key board totally en femme while my wife is a work. I really don't know how I will face the time when she is fully retired. I don't know if I would tell her I need to have alone time in the bedroom and bathroom to be Stephanie. That almost seems more secretive than being in a DADT marriage. It must raise all kinds of awkward questions to ask in your wife's mind.

I would slack off and attempt a calm discussion and to provide her with some reassurances. You've known you have been a cross dresser for thirty-five years. She has just been hit with it with both barrels.

Hi Chrissy,
None of us can get this right as you say we're damned either way but you seem to have got things back to front ! Your wife not knowing you cd is bad enough but to seeing your wardrobe appear, I'm surprised you're not Guy Fawkes sitting on top of your stuff in the garden going up in smoke !
I hope you can resolve and I wish you the best of luck.

Chrissy, I'd have to agree with Stephanie. When my wife accidently found out about me,she said she appreciated the fact that I stayed calm and was willing to talk about it,and listen to her point of view. Good luck to both of you.:)

I know that I am a big weirdo when it comes to marriage, but I think it is a bit odd & rude to tell your spouse "I want alone time." I have just never understood it. Aren't you just saying "I don't want to be around you?" Yeah I get it that my opinion is in the minority and that just about everyone says 'everybody is entitled to personal time.' I have just never wanted that in my life and I always perceive the request as a bit rude.

Chrissy, I'm with the majority here who think your coming out was a bit odd. The question I have is, what EXACTLY did you tell your wife about cross dressing? Did you tell her everything? How many times since have you two discussed it? If the answers are "not quite everything and we haven't" you have to go back to square one.

I'm with Nadine on the "alone time" notion. Did you explain that you a re embarrassed to be seen in front of her dressed or did you just ask her to leave you alone and ASSUMED she know the reason why?

Just too many gaps in the information provided but I can always counsel that discussion is the answer.

GG HERE
I do not see you told her anything.....did you get material....explain everything, maybe show her this site and get her some books ect?
No I read

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I started to open up to my wife by having pedicure and manicures done every two weeks. Have gone from clear to color on my toes and nails all the time. I started shaving my legs and under arms, they are smooth all the time now boy that feels good. It was shortly after when I purchased panties and hoes and put them in my drawer

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Ummmmm what is she supposed to understand from that?
The way I see it you just did what you wanted and did not even try to get her on the same page.

Your saying

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I feel that we are damned if we tell and damned if we don't. You that have under standing

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What understanding did you give her? 35 yrs and because you do not have the private time to dress you just start up.....what the heck is she supposed to think?

Go back to square one.....talk to her.... you had what 40 plus yrs of understanding this about yourself and you think you are just going to start doing all this and she is supposed to jump for joy?

Can't help but agree with everyone so far, Chrissy... You sure have a strange way of telling someone something... :eek:

There doesn't seem like a lot of talking going on and your actions seem intent on going ahead with little respect for her feelings or the impact on her past lifestyle.

You might be frustrated, but she's probably just completely in shock! Slow it down or stop for a while and talk to her... if your relationship is important to you, that is..

Katey x

thats kinda in your face chrissy, I just recently told after 30 years, it was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life so i know the difficulties,
theirs so much quality information at your disposal here, you better back track and read up unless you dont care. you may be on a salvage mission soon.
i wouldnt want to find out that way if my wife grew back all her hair and the next time we were intimate, SUPRISE !!!
no discussion, revelations or attempts to explain your history with it,
i feel you may be dammed for the way you attempted to introduce it,
i wish you both well and hope you have a favorable outcome....

Chrissy, even with acceptance from a spouse or SO there is always going to be questions. I know for myself it is not always easy for either one of us but I can say that being open and honest and always having an open line of communication makes the hard times more bearable and the good times fantastic. You both really have to find the middle that is acceptable for both of you and be respectful of any and all compromises and agreements you come up with together. Sometimes you might have to answer the same questions 100 times with the same honest answers 100 times before things take a step for the better. I can say it takes a lot of patience on both sides. Good luck!

I think the best thing would be to incorpedate your wife into your dressing.

Saying you want your time may give her the idea of you hiding more behind her back.

Give her time and space to adjust to what you dropped into her lap.

Theres no easy way around it.

Wishing you both luck.

Renee

We all come here for advice and many times just get criticism which I'm seeing a lot of as if there is a book on "How to come to your wife about I'm a crossdresser". We are all different and perhaps her question for advice should have been asked here first before she came out and I know there are many threads that have already dealth with coming out to your wife. I wish you luck as you know your wife better than anyone and hopefully you can smooth things over but I'm sure things will not be the same in your household now that you've let the cat out of the bag. We are all different and as much as I like to dress I don't want my wife to see me dressed as think both of us would be embarassed as she sees me as so masculine and I know that's the way she wants me. Other than that I'me very bisexual which she doesn't know either so for me another reason not to come out to her. Good luck and hopefully you and your wife can become lesbian lovers...

Sounds like she was blindsided. Have you talked to her prior to this. Just my opinion I can understand her reaction. 35 years of knowing you one way and now you show her this side of you. Wish there is something more positive I can say but my wife doesn't approve of my dressing and I am still hoping one day her feelings will change.

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Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit

I know that I am a big weirdo when it comes to marriage, but I think it is a bit odd & rude to tell your spouse "I want alone time."

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I think I need to disagree with you a bit.

I have certain things that I do for me.. I go play board games with friends every 2 weeks. I spend big hunks of weekend time doing road cycling. I get time for those things without an issue.

Another thing I do for me is do naughty things with inanimate silicone objects. I won't go into details here, but my Wife really isn't into that stuff. So, I get "Time For Me" to address those issues.

I don't really see this as all that different.

All I'm saying is that I think it is something that can be negotiated with your partner.

- MM

So I'm going to chime in here, from my perspective where my wife has known since before marriage. Now she doesn't accept my fem side and our marriage is very difficult to say the least at times. I understand Chrissy the need to say look hon I need to express this side of me and you not agree with it or go along but I just can't go without dressing anymore. I feel this way all the time and would love to be able to dress in front of my wife but I've learned over the years I have to respect her feelings on this. She's told me many times it makes her feel like less of a women and that she's competing with another women for my love. I get that and maybe there is truth in it but you must respect her feelings and how this effects her.
This is not easy to live with, oh how I envy those girls who have accepting spouses but I have to handle my own situation and not keep hoping mine will change
Good luck hon
Hugs Leigh

@lacyfem- I don't think a single one of us was criticizing for the sake of criticizing. When any of us come out, we have a responsibility to our SO to do it wisely and in a well thought out way. Not haphazardly or selfishly. We have a responsibility to all the CD/TG who haven't come out yet to their spouse or SO. When we see someone attempt to come out in a fashion that's counter productive, risky or self destructive, we have an obligation to speak out, hopefully correct that sisters efforts, maybe save a marriage, save a life... Whatever. But we shouldn't just idly sit by and let ppl be self destructive. How can the real world out there take us seriously, if we don't take responsibility when we see something transporting in a way like that? Should we really set an example of " do what thou wilt, how thou wilt?"

I'd like to think that if we see someone behaving recklessly, in a manner that is sure to wreck their home, that we'd at least offer constructive criticism. It's bad enough just being TG/CD that our homes stand a high chance of being wrecked anyhow. But if we can lessen the likelihood, we should.

This is new stuff for your wife. You trickled out a few hints, enough to finally prompt her questions. Now she has a lot to digest. I would advise a step back...not pressure for alone time..try to think of the situation from her perspective and imagine her feelings. Right now that far more important to the success of your relationship than alone time.

Do you have a Plan B, if she says NO to everything? I think you should consider all the possibilities. IT is now your turn or is it?

I think the point has been made that Chrissy's disclosure could have been done with more tact. It's beginning to sound like everyone wants to say "Me Too" when we should be assisting.

What kinds of suggestions can we offer at this point?
This is a brainstorming session. No idea is bad, all ideas are welcome.

Best wishes
MsVal

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Originally Posted by MsVal

What kinds of suggestions can we offer at this point?
This is a brainstorming session. No idea is bad, all ideas are welcome.

Best wishes
MsVal

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First do not make promises you cannot keep
Second Get, books material, this forum whatever if she wants to read more
Third Explain WHY you did not tell her for 30 yrs/ ashamed, thought it would go away...whatever it is.
Fourth answer her questions honestly even if she asks a million times.
Fifth tell her you love her explain is a part of you :hugs::hugs:
Sixth Stop just doing what you want cause now you do not have the chance to thats just selfish....talk to her see if she is comfortable with....if she is not comfortable with any of it then explain again it is a part of you and you need the time to do it dadt
Talk , answer questions and like I said before you had 30 plus yrs to wrap your brain around this give her time.

Chrissy, by this point you might have the impression that some of us think that you went about this in the wrong way. I think that too, but all that is water under the bridge. What you need to consider now is how to move forward.

The only viable approach that I see is to improve communication. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and then listen to how she feels. Acknowledge that your initial approach may not have been the best and tell her that you are sorry that it caused her distress.

Work together to address the issues that your CDing has created for your relationship. You won't reach a resolution in one conversation or even 10, but if each time you can feel a bit more comfortable with each other and the situation you will be on the right path.

OK, I asked and you respond and most of you don't like the way I came out to my wife all right. Just how is it suppose to be done? Are you out to your wife? How did you do it.
Me coming out to my wife did not happen in a week or a month, but over a year or more and I am OK with you not liking the way it went about it. I don't want to hide forever in our house.
Now many of you dislike me asking to have"" my own time"" to dress in the house. So how do you dress when your wife is home retired 7 days a week, there is no time for me. I am not going to do a show for my wife even though I have all the parts. I suppose I could go and buy a place for me where I could dress in private. Then I would have to lie about where I am and what I am doing. That does not go well with being married. I have my own needs I will always be a cross-dresser who would like to have private time to express myself with out showing off .

Chrissy, I am out to my wife of 20+ years only 3 years ago. How I did it is in my signature. The bottom line is that did it all at one time, told my whole story, let her ask questions, answered them honestly and promised continued honesty and openness. Leakage is not a good communication method.

Chrissy, it is obvious that this is something that is bothering you. What would your wife do if you said "Dear, there is something that is bothering me that I'd like to talk to you about"? Chances are she would be concerned and willing to listen. Together, you might be able to work out a reasonable way to accommodate all of your needs.

I am out to my wife and the sentence I suggested above is pretty much the way that I broached the subject with her. We continue to communicate far better than we did before and we each have much more insight into the other's feelings.

counseling. I came out before I was married 10 years ago and it only now has become an issue. Our counselor convinced her to do support groups for significant others. Both helped

Chrissy I don't think anyone is objecting to you having your own time, But and its a big but you have to give your wife time to adjust.

You need to sit down and talk with her about the questions she will have.
Why did it take you so long to tell me ? will be just one of many.

Remember you have had a lifetime to adjust. How long has your wife had a few days or a week ? Things do not happen overnight. When the dust has settled, you can then think about asking for time to be Chrissy.

I suggest you read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner it still has good advice even though she knows.

I think your biggest mistake is asking "time for me".

You should have tried just sharing, it does not sound like you are ostracising her.

Chrissy, I can't speak for anyone but me. But I saw where you did a whole lot of doing, not much talking, and what talking you did, was essentially a "demand" for private time.

Communication is a HUGE part of coming out to an SO. And simply letting her see that you are changing your hygiene habits with your nails, or that you are changing the nature of your undergarments doesn't really communicate the bigger picture. You say she is retired, therefore we can presume you are as well, if not far behind her. For all we know, she may have seen your peculiar behavior as either a mid-life crisis or a retirement crisis, but not a coming out. That's where communication comes in.

The caveat to that is, there has to be balance. You have to let your spouse feel that it's not so much a demand or a disruption in her or her life.

As for how I came out to my SO; I sat down and told her. I didn't show her. I explained things, answered questions in a non confrontational manner. And that was just me telling her I liked to wear lingerie. Back in January, after a year together I told her about wanting to go out dressed. Because that desire had evolved in me for various reasons I won't get into here. But again, we sat down and talked. Asked and answered questions, and did everything I could to help her be comfortable with it. I did not make promises I couldn't keep, I agreed to the need for certain ground rules, and gave her the promise of baby steps with her ( I was careful to make sure she knew that I'd be moving forward while she was baby stepping. So I try to limit her exposure strictly to what she is comfortable with) as well as time and space to process it all. The rewards have been... Rewarding. She's bought me lingerie, makeup, perfume, gave me a purse and sweater. Not every situation will be like that. But a measured response is better by far.

But for further advice in your conversations with her; there is a sticky in this forum area that specifically deals with coming out to an SO or spouse. A very good place to start, or in your case, reapproach.

Hi Chrissy,

I am not going to beat a dead horse here about how you came out to your wife (that has already been done). However ham fisted your outing may have appeared, in reality there is no perfect way to tell your wife "Honey, I like to dress like a girl". We all make decisions based on good intentions and sometimes they don't work out, no harm no foul . . . time to move forward. So rather than harp on the subtleties of how you came out I believe you are looking for advice on what to do now. So lets focus on the way ahead. :)

For better or worse the cat is out of the bag and as many have said, "you now need to talk to your SO". She is confused and would be regardless of "how you came out". If she is ready, sit her down, and discuss why you feel this need and answer her questions. Talk about what you can and she can live with and without. Don't make promises you can't keep (that will always go bad) and always be truthful about things as they progress. Going back to hiding a new revelation about CDing is not the way forward.


Will it work out for you? Will she accept you? There are no guarantees. However conversation is the first step you need to take. Good luck sweetie.

Hugs

Isha

Among all the things you and your wife have in common, Chrissy, you now have a shared confusion regarding crossdressing. For you the confusion exists around your need to find some time, place, and acceptance for your crossdressing. Your wife's confusion exists around the more emotional, psychological, and relational aspects of crossdressing. I won't get into defining those, there are several excellent books available and articles on this forum.

You two have a common need to resolve the shared confusion. This can be a good starting point for discussions. Be humble. Explain that you are having trouble coming to grips with crossdressing and in your confusion you disclosed it in a tactless fashion. Tell her that you acknowledge that it hurt her deeply and you want begin to make it right. Let her know that you expect her to be confused, perhaps angry, and to have other strong feelings that you may not be able to comprehend without her help. Ask her to guide you to understand her feelings as you explain yours. Provide some material or web links. Admit that it is a lot to take in all at once and you don't expect her to grasp overnight what you've had decades to understand.

This talk should not be an attempt for acceptance. I believe that the best you can expect is to set a date when you two will discuss this again.

Regarding my disclosure: I sat down next to my wife and reminded her of how we have always been truthful with each other. I never want to keep secrets from her. She needs to know that I am struggling with a strong desire to wear feminine clothing. I said that I don't fully understand it myself and I don't expect her to understand.

It did not go well. After a couple of really tense days during which she did some independent research, she came to me and acknowledged that it is something I will have forever and she cannot change me. She remains quite saddened by it all; it affects her feelings of self worth. I feel lousy for being the source of her unhappiness.

Due to a great deal of pressure at her work, we agreed to resume talking about this in the spring, after the work pressure is relieved.

Best wishes
MsVal

I don't understand why you got blasted so hard by most of the responses here. People, blindsiding is when you're confronted with something that you had absolutely NO idea was coming. Far from blindsiding your wife, I think the clues you dropped from manicures to color add to shaving to underwear in your drawer add up to an obvious trail of crumbs that were all leading to some sort of gender identity issue. Whether it was planned or not, you were putting subtle hints out that already had her wondering/questioning your motives. How you choose to go forward and how she responds are anyone's guess, but blindsided? No way.