Telling somone in the "beginning"

For those of you who were "found out" by your W and you found yourself loosing them...

Do you think that if you had told them in the beginning it would have changed the outcome. As an ex, I do know that when I met my ex I was SO in Love with him that I would have been shocked, but was willing to do anything for him. I did many things that I never would have done for anyone. Yes, I now know there were signs. His mannerisms I know now were a tell all sign. I know if he had told me, I would have been shocked but I believe I loved him so much I was willing to do and give anything to be with him. I guess you can't go back.. but you can move forward. Your thoughts?

It mostly depends on the two people involved TW. :)

What changed such that you couldn't look back and re-assess how you felt about him, when you learned that he was C/D????? Are you sure that you aren't making an excuse for why to dump him, now?????

From personal experience, I told my GF before we even met in person, plenty of time for her to bale. Yet she loved it and took it for what it was. She was actually the one who initiated the times we would dress and go out. To be fair I don't know how she would have reacted to the TS part though but I suspect it would have been OK with her. She loved ME, not what I looked like or what I did (OK maybe the vet part helped get her interested) but she loved ME the person. I didn't push it and she was the one who wanted more. Maybe that is unusual but I let her decide if she wanted to pursue the relationship. There were other things that I let her decide and she stuck it out. So I think love is a big factor especially early on. Then after that though it still relies on how the TG pushes or forces the issue. In my case it was a part of me and she was comfortable with that.

Many things changed. I am not using cding as an excuse to leave. It was the over 20 yrs of lies and manipulation. I have been gone from him for a while. I just know that if he had told me it would have been something we could have worked through over the years. It was over 5 yrs of being ignored while he did his own thing I just think had I been prepared for this we could have worked through it early on. I also believe this would not have gotten to the level it did. I wish he had been honest with me. I wish he had been there for me when I needed him instead of this taking precedence over our relationship. An example was when I was sent to the ER because they believed I had a stroke, when I called him at the home he was doing cd'ing the response was "Do I HAVE to come back?" I would have wanted him to say I am on the way. He returned the next day. I guess I would have wanted to be more important then his cd'ing and fetishes.

The first person I ever told as an adult was a girlfriend I was seeing back in the early millenium. We started dating in late 98 and were in love with each other. For a haloween party in 99, the two of us had planned to go as "milleneum babies" and had our costumes ready, until the day of the event when my buddies came to me and said they were going as the "bud light girls" from the ladies night commercials back then (if you remember the guys dressed [and poorly at that, lol] for the free drinks). That was all I needed to change my mind as to what I wanted to go as, and she reluctantly allowed my wishes and gave up the one in a lifetime chance to go as the "babies". I had the time of my life in dress, tissue stuffed chest, hose, heels, and scruffy beard and cigar in mouth at an event with hundreds of people. She was happy i enjoyed myself but I can look back and say she allowed that night for me.

OK, back to my point, at the end of that night, not sure if it was guilt, alcohol, or just plain happiness, I admitted to her that I was a CD, and had loved womens clothes my entire life. She completely blew my mind and immediately started suggesting we go shopping for clothes, shoes, ect. We got very close very quickly and for the better part of our 6 year relationship, she continued to shower me with all sorts of female attire.

But then, somehow I brought out the worst in her, provided her with some sort of low self esteem I cant explain, and at the end, the last 6 months of our relationship I really felt her slip away and distance herself from me in a way that also scarred me for life. To this day, I dont know if I was being too selfish altogether? If I let the crossdressing get too much for her? If my consumption of a 6 pack a day got to her? Or all of the above combined to make her hate me. But she never gave me any ideas as to what the problem was, and never asked me to stop whatever it was.

That having happened 10 years ago and having experienced what I have since then, I do wish an opportunity would arise that I could appologise to her for any and all of the above, and to say I am sorry for not being honest with myself and everybody I knew all those years as well.

I cant say telling in the beginning would solve all the problems that can arise, but being honest upfront can save feelings down the road. I started dating another girl about 2 years ago, and I was totally honest with her from the get go. Unfortunately she had to endure the time in my life when I did start to be totally honest with myself about my sexuallity and I did hurt her when I admitted to her I started being with men during our relationship. It was a heartbreaking conversation for her, and I felt ashamed having to admit it to her, but now a year later, we are civil and friendly to each other. It was the easiest breakup I have ever been in.

I dont know if any of my story helps you in your time of trial, but there you have at least one other persons experience as far as when things were revealed and how it turned out.

Best of luck to you.

To echo what Kate said, it depends on the people, the relationship strength and the level and, more importantly, the quality of communication between them. If one has a bad relationship then this could easily be a deal breaker. If the CD gets greedy and selfish as you pointed out, then is it really a relationship that one wants to be in, if the offending party can not change once found out? Note that I infer that the offended party gives the other party a chance to be a better person and that does not mean giving up the CD part. There are a lot of questions, personalities and everything else thrown in to make it very specific for each case. One would hope that they could find a way or ways to make it work out for both of them.

If he said what you say he said when you were in that hospital room...well, that alone would have been enough for me to leave, all cding aside.
But as to the question, I could not have told my wife when we met, since I didnt really understand it myself. But if I had....I might well have lost her. Dont know. I hope not. No way to really know. Now, I may lose her anyway at some point...I hope not. Telling her then would have been so much better. Sigh.
We, most of us, do the best we can.

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Originally Posted by thewife/soon2bex

It was the over 20 yrs of lies and manipulation .. I just know that if he had told me it would have been something we could have worked through over the years. It was over 5 yrs of being ignored while he did his own thing ... I guess I would have wanted to be more important then his cd'ing and fetishes.

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You know it sounds less like the problem is that your Ex was a crossdresser, and more that he was a self-absorbed a-hole ... the two things do not necessarily go hand in hand. From what you're saying, it sounds to me that you just weren't important to him ... so if he was super into sports, or cars, or guns or something more typical like that, would he not have ignored you for those things instead of the dressing?

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Originally Posted by mfakley

You know it sounds less like the problem is that your Ex was a crossdresser, and more that he was a self-absorbed a-hole ... the two things do not necessarily go hand in hand. From what you're saying, it sounds to me that you just weren't important to him ... so if he was super into sports, or cars, or guns or something more typical like that, would he not have ignored you for those things instead of the dressing?

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Yes he did and I do not in anyway blame the crossdressing. He was into more then I ever knew. Some of which I wish he would have shared. Some of the things he was doing I have been able to try and really enjoyed. Oh well.. I am now making sure that if I get into a relationship the lines of communication is open and honest. For him, I know his needs, desires and wants were more important then me. I realize now that this had nothing to do with me. It's just been on my mind for the past couple of days.

We have been apart for a while now. I have had many obsticles thrown at me in the past 2 years including fighting late stage ovarian cancer. Yes, I fought it and kicked butt. I know that there is no cure and will have future surgeries and additional chemo and at some point radiation but I am moving forward much happier about who I am.

But, this has been on my mind since I found everything and knew no where else to post . I knew those here might understand.

Having told my wife before we were engaged, I guess I'm disqualified from answering. It's pretty hard, I imagine, for those who were revealed later to a bad result to speculate on what might have been. Certainly, coming out and being accepted before embarking on a LTR is easier than trying to open up after years together.

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Originally Posted by thewife/soon2bex

We have been apart for a while now. I have had many obsticles thrown at me in the past 2 years including fighting late stage ovarian cancer. Yes, I fought it and kicked butt. I know that there is no cure and will have future surgeries and additional chemo and at some point radiation but I am moving forward much happier about who I am.

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Ugh ... Me too (but not ovarian -- obviously -- and not late stage, thank God). So sorry to hear about that, especially in conjunction with such an awful relationship doing what all awful relationships eventually do. Apart from the awfulness of the treatments and surgeries, having your mortality shoved in your face every single waking moment is so unbelievably hard to deal with.

It's cliche, but you know ... keep fighting, and never lose perspective on what you're fighting for ... which is to live another day, and if you're alive today, you have succeeded so celebrate as best you can. Also in my case, I had to lay down a rule: do not talk to me about the cancer unless you're being paid to do so (believe me, I was aware of all aspects of the situation and all I wanted to do was forget about it for 10 minutes, which was impossible). Be glad your ex is your ex and not your still present problem. In my experience, even being alone is better than shackled to someone of that nature.

I really think it depends on the people involved. I told a woman I was madly in love with early in our relationship and she left me over it. I told my wife early in our relationship and we have made it 13 years now. I admit there was a time when Carly started to cause problems with my wife and I. The problem was the whole pink fog issue, which I also think is what hurt my first relationship. I was throwing too much at them both way too fast. Luckily my wife and I talked about it, made guidelines to follow and worked through it. Now Carly is just part of the family :)

TheWife, your ex sounds like a selfish type, to be honest, so I'm glad you're coming out the other side of all this in better emotional shape than before. And congrats for kicking cancers butt!! :)

And my H told me early on in the relationship and honestly, I'm not entirely sure it's helped. There's no great big initial lie tearing us apart, but there's a million half truths and little lies here and there and yes, I've found myself playing second fiddle to his need to dress. None of which is uncommon as just read the many stories here about men with supportive partners who decide they need to push and push and push the behavior until even the wives who know end up feeling lied to anyway. It's almost as though all this hiding in their early years has meant lying is second nature?

Of course, this isn't how they all are and there are some lovely men here who've told wives both later on or at the start and their marriages are fine. But that's because these men are honest and emotionally together. But plenty, including what sounds like your ex, are not and they seem to have a genuine inability to be honest with both us and themselves about who they are. The only real answer to this is for crossdressers to avoid relationships with other people until they've figured these important things out. That's the only fair answer to this problem. Otherwise, doesn't matter when you find out, the path can still end up the same if the man doesn't know who he is or what he wants. x

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Originally Posted by thewife/soon2bex

Do you think that if you had told them in the beginning it would have changed the outcome. ?

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Sadly, I doubt there would have been any different outcome unless you broke it off with him right then and there. Some people are just selfish butt holes. It was the hardest thing for me to grasp. You think that others share human feelings like empathy and have an ability to gain insight into one's self but some humans just lack the ability. It has nothing to do with you. You also can't be the only one trying to work things out in a relationship. Don't feel sad. Patti Griffith said it well in a song called "Goodbye" "You can't make somebody see, with the simple words you say. All the beauty from within, sometimes they just look away"

You keep your chin up and keep kicking cancer's butt!!!!

It's going to be different for everybody, but it can be the deciding factor. Either way. In some cases a it can be something that they don't just want to deal with, whereas if they learn it somewhat later, when they have invested some emotional capital in the relationship.....?

In my case I told her before dating, and I'm pretty certain it helped, if I was prepared to exhibit that level of honesty, I was a good bet for honesty later.

Its a toss up. I had a gf that I thought would have done anything too. She did do anything she wanted and used it as an excuse to screw around behind my back. Now I vow that with any future relationship, the girl will know up front as we become friends and before it even gets serious. I find it is not fair to her or myself to spring it on her after too long. Let her go into it knowing who I truly am, and let there be no suprises.

I was not "found out." Fortunately, I told my wife but after decades of hiding. I asked my wife this question shortly after I came out to her, "Would you have stayed with me and married me if you knew." "Probably," was the response. It is really hard to be objective about this, of course, as so much time has gone by. We were certainly in love. Of that, I am certain. I think the chief issue is telling then as opposed to telling now is that 30 years ago or so, there was no internet. No resource for any woman to go to. Today, there is this site, for example. There is simply more access to better information such that a woman could make a more informed decision.

Now, I'll add and your own comments support this, is that cross dressing does not break up marriages. It can be the proverbial straw that breaks the back but relationships can easily overcome cross dressing.

I told my wife about a year into our relationship and just before engagement. She told me if I had told her on the first date, there most likely would not have been a 2nd. Kind of along the lines of too much information too soon.

I am a firm believer (now) of telling right in the very beginning. I too, as many here did, not tell in the beginning. Even though I was not active with CDing, I always had the desires, had the feelings. I did not disclose this side of me. It has been the hardest struggle my wife has gone through. What I do is hard for her at times, extremely hard even. But not harder than a re adjustment of who she married, and since there was a very big secret that was kept, is there anything else that she wonders about. And, even she wonders that because I have kept this thing in such a state of denial and repression, am I going to discover things about myself that I never knew.

Now, the hard part for us CD's is that when we find someone we are interested in, and then it begins to work out. we of course naturally are afraid it will all end. And, lets face it, for many, it would. Now, that actually is a good thing. Because we should be with someone who is able to feel comfortable with CDing. Someone who can more easily accept it.

I asked my wife the ? would she have continued on with the relationship if I had told early on. Her answer, "I don't know" I pressed it just a little further, and basically she told me that while it was not an auto ender, it would have been likely she would not have gone down the road to marriage. Then again, once a comfort zone from early on had been established, that may have changed things. And I believe, that if somehow the relationship did continue on. today both she and I would be in a far better place with CDing.

Had I told my wife of my past cross dressing - I wasn't CDing at the time we met, I was sure I was "cured" - she would never have dated me, much less married me. I talked to her about this before we parted - and she confirmed what I'd always known. There was simply no way she could tolerate a gender variant significant other.

If I'd been actively CDing, I think I would have told her, but I'll never know for sure. I do know I was deeply ashamed of my past CDing, and of my feelings about my gender. I sure didn't want them to be true. I never wanted any of this. :|

@thewife - I'm so sad reading about your relationship with your spouse. I can't believe the selfishness he exhibited and the awful ways he neglected you. I think that's just unconscionable.

Knowing what I know today - I should have told my wife in the beginning. Yeah, we'd have both missed out on 19 really good years, and one really terrible one. Our children would have different parents. I'd have done what I should have done 24 years ago, and transitioned back then, hard though that would've been. Spending most of my life fighting who I really am wasn't very fair to anyone.

Love is reciprocal, I am saddened that it was not returned in your case.

Hello soon2Bex
I have had both situations, sorta. My first wife and I met in high school. At that time I had no idea really what it was, wasn't. Where it would progress. So I did what a lot of young confused crossdressers do. I bottled it up. Until it exploded. All would be good and then I would show up out of the blue to pick her up at work all made up. Heels, dress and all. Of course. She would freak. I would bottle it up. Again. Then the cycle would start again. It's really no wonder why she never understood or accepted. I didn't allow it.

Now the second wife. I literally told her within 5 minutes of meeting her. We where friends in HS and lost touch for 25 years. Connected on FB and decided to meet. I had been out the night before and still had a good amount of eyeliner on. Fingers and toes painted my favorite red.

Let me say at this point. I had made up my kind that any new friend would have to be told. Old friends as need be.

So. I went to her house. She invited me in. We sat down and started talking. Conversation came around to it somehow and I told her. She didn't care. Still doesn't. We go out for girls nights and husband wife nights at our whim.

Why did I tell her early on? I wanted to give her a chance to throw me out. I wanted her to know there is this otherside of me and if she didn't like it, wasn't for her, threw a spanner in her life knowing me then she should feel free to exit. No harm no foul and we both get on with out life's.

So. Like I said. I had both. One didn't work at all. The other has worked out fine. Had the women been reversed. I believe the results would be the same. I gave the first wife no chance and the second every chance.

Hope all that made sense and is spelled right since I am writing on my phone and it gets a little garbled sometimes.

BTW. I agree with several others. Your soon too be ex sounds like a tool.

Kick cancers ass! You go girl!!!

Don't judge one CD by what another CD has done most of us would have been at your side, far as telling in the beginning I for one thought it would or I could stop once we were married, as we all know now that doesn't happen. When I was married she wanted me to go out and to buy her some lingerie and makeup, yet when I did she would get mad. Then one day after watching Tootsie I went out and brought two bra's and panties set. One set in her size and one in mine. Apparently she was fine with a man dressing as a woman as long as the man wasn't married to her. That started our decline along with some other things in our marriage.

Sorry to hear your not together. I told my wife before we married over 43 years ago. She tried but could never warm up to my dressing. She has tolerated it over the years as I have gone into and come out of the closet over the years. She worries that I will leave her to dress more and I would never do that. I love her too much to put myself above US. So she worries and somehow we move forward. I wish I could ease her anxiety. All I can do is be as sedate as possible and not throw it in her face.

Stephanie, I think it is likely that many wives are going to have a sense similar to yours. My wife describes those feelings to me often when we discuss the topic of CD. Yes, what I do is not something she enjoys thinking about, and she often tries to ignore it. She does not want to see it, so I too never put it out there for her to see. One of the things she does struggle with is the thoughts that there will be a day when I choose dressing and my feminine side over her. She fears that one day my feminine side will become more of me than my masculine side. and I will be more of a woman than a man, for which she does not feel she can have a marriage where that is the case.

I think many of us have to remember this and keep ourselves in check when it comes to our wives.

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Originally Posted by gendermutt

I think many of us have to remember this and keep ourselves in check when it comes to our wives.

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You are really powerless over your gender. If you are TS, at some point there is nothing you can do to stop it.