Do's and Dont's for those venturing out for the first time, from Ms Disaster herself

Having read a number of posts recently that alluded to wanting to venture out for the first time it seemed an idea to put some thoughts on a post, that could be added to by others, as a sort of reference and basic guide …I am not dedicating this post to telling people what they should or shouldn't do…that not my place… but what is the point of having some experiences if you can't pass them on to others ...wether its to laugh at my own expense or to help others avoid some of the pitfalls that an intrepid trans/CD, whatever you class yourself, may face when you are in the early stages of venturing out from where ever you class as safety.

I have been going about in public for maybe a couple of years now certainly long enough to learn some lessons, but new enough to this to still remember the thumping heart and the sense of panic… I’ve have had great successes, near death total disasters and pretty much most in between, but importantly when out as Jessica I love it, I feel free, I feel my true self and liberated….be warned it is a drug few try and don’t get completely addicted to..!!

The basic facts
I love to people watch and what I have noticed is that when out, unless you draw major attention to yourself at least 50% of people that pass you won’t even look at you…sorry..but they are just way too busy with their own lives….maybe 25% will catch a peripheral glimpse of you from an angle be it at the sides or back band again will subconsciously acknowledge you but little more…. And 25% ish will look at you , register what they see and react according to your appearance and confidence. Let me be clear when I say react…the vast vast majority of times they will register and ignore you, occasionally smile or acknowledge you in some way …a bad reaction is extremely rare even in cases where I have made a total goose of myself people have been fine, I’m thinking the time I slipped on a tile in a shopping centre, in heels, instead of going to ground I did a lord of the river dance impression trying to regain my balance whilst uttering a most un-lady like expletive at high volume…let me tell you a lot more than 50% of the people around me knew that Jessica was not a genetic woman , but nobody laughed (not to my face anyway) and even the poor lady I nearly took out was nothing more than a little startled but still managed to be pleasant!!!

The Do’s and the Don’ts
So you decided to go for it , what should you consider in preparation to venturing out…(Please people feel free to add to the list as you feel fit…)

Do’s
• Plan ….I am a big believer in making a plan of where you are going, how to get there, and what you intend to achieve when there…not everybody agrees with this but first times out can be nerve racking…if you have a plan , including an exit one should you not feel comfortable, then it will help the focus on what you are doing and certainly in my case helped calm the nerves.
• If you want to reduce your being noticed make the best effort you can with your makeup coverage…clean shave and use a foundation that covers the shadow. The lipstick technique is a winner for me …google it if you don’t know what I am refereeing to or PM me and I will explain.
• If it helps you don’t be afraid of calling at a make up counter when first visiting a shopping mall, I routinely do this …just ask them to give your makeup coverage a quick check over and if you are not happy with an element of your application ask if they can advise/tidy it up for you…quite often I will get some lashes or some other inexpensive item…sponge etc, but they will give you support for free and as long as you are polite and friendly they will be happy to help…MAC are very TG friendly, but to be honest they all are…with awesome make up your confidence will soar…after a trip to MAC I am ready to take on the world…!!
• Try and dress appropriately to the location, time of year and time of day…..a wedding dress or formal gown to a shopping mall and you will have every set of eyes on you….leggings or a pair of jeans/shorts/skirt and a basic pretty top and far less people will give you a second glance
• Do think about wigs, shoes etc etc…the more effort you have made with your presentation the fewer people will notice you and those that do will tend to respect the effort…if you are going to venture out of the house, try and invest in a quality wig, they are not that expensive these days and your investment will pay dividends in how you present….as for the shoes…keep your 6’ stilettos for the night time dance floor…flats or small heels are the safest and most comfortable option…ref my previous mentioned experience if you don’t believe me..!!
• Do Walk don’t run…I am such a hypocrite with this and I am working on it each and every time I go out…nerves often make us speed up and we power through the crowds…drawing attention as we go… breath, calm the nerves, and with shoulders back slowly but purposely proceed on your way…women tend to take their time(when not in a rush).
• Try and practise your deportment…again I am weak in this area, and feel that I mimic John Wayne more than Claudia Schiffer …practise your walk at home again it will help you blend in, and if your name is Jessica Jane try not to slouch!!!.
• Try not to make direct eye contact with people as you walk , smile look ahead and almost “through” people , direct eye contact can make others uncomfortable and
• Do be polite to people, they will reciprocate
• Relax and enjoy yourself.



Don’ts

• Don’t panic, if you stuff up on something , anything, whilst out..stay calm use logic to get out of the problem. An example of what not to do was on my first outing I nearly died when half way across the road ,in heels, I realised that I wasn’t going to make it before the taxi passed instead of stopping and letting him pass, I tried the running option that I would of done as a man…the result was I nearly died and somewhere in Adelaide is a traumatised taxi driver who thinks trans women like to play deadly games of “chicken” with oncoming traffic…!!
• Don’t take on more than you can handle, start small and grow in confidence before tackling mount Everest
• Don’t be put off if someone gives you grief and certainly don’t engage them…I had this recently, virtually my only negative experience as I was walking into a store a man and woman who were either drunk or on drugs..or both passed me and started shouting that I was a man…I ignored them totally and proceeded into the shop, they did not follow and although it was not pleasant it didn’t knock me of my stride (they were total drop kicks as humans) and it is actually my belief that if you are hassled and stay calm and carry on people will support you more if you need it and will certainly think less of the people doing the hassling.
• Don’t assume that everyone who is laughing or appears to be looking your way is having a go…many many times people are sharing an in joke as they walk along and don’t even realise they have looked at you in the process.
I used to think this all the time, don’t flatter yourself; the fact is they are more often than not in their own little world.

Phew well there we have it a break down of some of the points I consider when going out ….hopefully someone somewhere gets a benefit, and for those who are already out, maybe you can add your suggestions and advise…..

:)Very well done, Jessica. Loved the post, both the pointers and the humor. :)

Very well written - thanks

I was going to go "Zowie" for your post, but it deserves at least two "Zowies"! Sometimes there are real gems in amongst the background noise. Extraordinarily well done Jessica.

Wow what a great post, thanks so much for it, i am working my courge up to go out and take the plunge. Can't tell you how many times i have stood at the hotel door and just couldnt open it and step out. But your post has given me more hope that i will do it.

Laura

Hell-o Jessica, I'm ready to go out now! Thanks for the info, and reassurance.
Much Love,
Kristyn

Jessica's post should become the beginning of a "sticky thread" in the MtF CD section.

Hugs,
Persephone.

The one disagreement I have with Jessica is when she states to "not look people in the eye". Women look people in the eye when out and about. Men don't. That doesn't mean that women stare, but they look at people and more often than not will smile. So do look around at people and if your eyes meet up with another, just smile.

Jodi

Thank you, JessicaJane. Great advice and very helpful.

Wonderful advice and thanks for posting. I'm going to put it to use someday.

I'd agree with most of this except the part about shaving and putting on makeup. Don't feel ashamed to be a man in a dress. There are people who are turned on by honesty.

Jessica thanks for taking the time to put this together, your humour makes it so readable. It may not apply to me at the moment but I'm sure many will find it useful.
If I'm out shopping in drab I always have it in the back of my mind how would a GG do this, on the whole I think GGs avoid direct eye contact but then they are looking at me as a guy. I've also noticed that in a mixed couple the male is the one looking round and making the contact the female is looking straight ahead or window shopping. The point about running, a GG will still take very short steps and look stiffer in the leg whereas a man will want to be first across the finishing line, as you said when you nearly redecorated a taxi !!

One thing for sure when it comes to using the credit card the GG has all the right actions !!!

I agree that Jessica made some really good points. I'll be thinking about them when I first make it out that door. I'm sure I'll still be very, very nervous, but I can see how an ounce of preparedness and some common sense will go a long way towards, at least, relieving some of that stress. Thanks for the advice.

Hi Jessica,

Good thread by the way.

One thing I've noticed is being a little on the tall side @ 6' without heels, is I do get a lot of second looks as would most GG's of my height. As was told me by a friend who gets out a lot more that I do, just look at them and smile they will look away quickly. Just be confident and go about your business.

On a recent shopping trip with the wife we stopped at a busy indoor flea market (1000's of people) and I went to buy a ring that actually fit but was a little short on cash so used plastic, well the lady asked for ID I produced it and told her that I was just dressed comfortable today and don't look lilicensescense. Her response was great "you look great honey, I'm here to sell stuff and you're here to buy, thats all I care about". So after almost fainting NO BIG DEAL.

Hugs
Jolene

Nicely done!

I laughed, especially about the "Don't assume that everyone who is laughing . . . is having a go". I still get nervous (a little) when genetic women pass me and start giggling. I never turn around to see if they are looking at me.

what a post ! kinda like a bible of sorts thanks for all the tips, Ill make sure to read it more than once

Also remember that not everyone who looks at you is clocking you. In fact most people who look at you aren't clocking you. When men stare at you, they're checking out your figure. When women stare at you, they're checking out your clothes.

Even if someone does clock you, it probably won't result in being sir'ed, called a tranny, a dude in a dress, or any other forms of hostility. Some hostility you meet may be because you're read as a woman, and some guy may be making sexual passes at you. That's part of being a girl.

Remember that not everything that happens to us when we're out is because we're CDers or TG. Most things that happen to us are part of being a woman, and life in general. Someone who is rude to you is probably a rude jerk, not a transphobe. The guy who overcharges you is a shyster, not a transphobe.

I'm not sure what to make of the eye contact comment. I will ask my therapist that one and post back once I speak with her.

Oh, and yeah a genetic woman giggling has nothing to do with you. She's probably giggling at something else. A genetic man acting all loud and boisterous probably has nothing to do with you. He's just being loud and boisterous.

We tend to think that everything that happens to us has to do with us, and specifically to do with being CD or TG. Not true. It probably has nothing to do with us.

With that said, this thread has been clocked :battingeyelashes::heehee:

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Every thread like this, and every story of success I read here, helps me gain a bit of confidence.

I'm practicing my walk at home, Jessica Jane. Thanks for the amazing reminders and tips!

As someone who's just recently discovered an interest in crossdressing, I must say, this is quite a nice bit of reassurance that passing - or at the very least going out and not causing a scene - is easier than most probably fear it to be. The right makeup, wigs, and clothing can make anyone look good, but in the end it's going to be one's confidence that pulls the look together.

On that note, a little bit of a confidence booster I can think of - if you feel like you want the world to see but don't believe you're quite ready to go out into the world, a nice little "safety blanket" idea would be to drive about a few times, either alone or with a friend.

Well done Jessica this gives me a little more courage to step outside dressed.

Two comments.. Do make eye contact and smile. Don't go out late at night. You'll be more at ease in a crowded mall and safer by far in daylight.

I'll agree that a crowded mall in daylight is safer and someways a lot easier. People are so busy with what they are looking for, most won't give you a second look. I get more "confused" looks in less crowded areas, but overall no bad comments.
Worse comment, was after church we headed for a local diner, now mind you, that day I thought I looked great. As we come up to the door and older gent opens the door for me and says "after you sir". Oh well, I said thank you and walked in , pride a little punctured but what the hell you can't win them all.

Hi Jessica, That's a well thought out thread, It's like a page right out of the crossdressers handbook.

well put.. very good points indeed

Hi Jessica. Thank you for starting this thread and for your honesty. I literally LOL'd at the thought of you river dancing in heels, only because I have done the same thing myself (only I was home alone and embarrassed myself enough to purge, so kudos to you for not running away as I would have). Your avatar is beautiful and I can tell by your writing that you are beautiful on the inside as well. Love, Rachel

Hi Jessica

Great post, thanks for sharing with us

Gretchen

Jessica, this is an excellent post. I too have been out and about weekly for several years now. I agree with all of your advise here and love the humorous side as well. I think most of us who are out in public have made some of the same mistakes.

Some additional things I would add are to 1) No matter where you go, "be confident in who you are" If you are nervous and looking around to see who is looking at you, will draw attention to yourself, if you act like something is wrong, people pick up on that and try to figure out what it is. If you are confident and relaxed most people will pay you no attention at all. 2) I find that making eye contact with women is very important and is the norm amongst GG's, making eye contact and smiling are a natural communication between GG's and is almost expected, I get more compliments and better reactions from GG's when I make that simple connection.

one last thing I would expand on that you already talked about is, Don't, Don't Don't over dress for the situation. When overdressed you stand out and immediately draw attention to your self. Look at what other gg's are wearing and do your best to emulate that, you will blend in and never get a second look.

Thanks again Jessica for a wonderful and educational post.

Michelle

Fantastic Jessica , one of the best posts I've read lately , and how right you are about people in the street laughing , we're so insecure , we think they must be laughing at us !! ....and most times they're not .

A few things I do , to enjoy the moment as much as possible

Visit another town or state and check into a Hotel , once you're in your room , no phone calls , no chance of unexpected visitors / friends dropping by , you will relax so much more , and get ready in peace and confidence
Gain some knowledge beforehand of the area around the hotel , a Park near the CBD is ideal for nervous CD's , take a book in your handbag , or smartphone . even if you just pretend to use them . Find a park bench , and enjoy !! , nobody will notice you !.. as time passes by your confidence grows , you may even smile at that Lady walking her dog ,its a wonderful feeling
I probably shouldn't promote gambling , but some cities in Australia have "Pokie " venues , small Clubs or Hotel lounge Bars that have gaming machines , I always use these places , because people are focused on winning money , not staring at you . My confidence always grows after 10-15 minutes in these places . I go to the Bar and order a Gin and Tonic ..nobody cares , infact quite often , better than that , they will be nice to you !!.
Shopping in department stores , is nowhere near as scary as you might think , everybody is minding their own business , and often in the CBD they are in a hurry , you can browse the stores wonderful hosiery section at leisure.
Again be smart , I go during the middle of the week , and avoid lunchtime and 5-6 pm
Use public transport , again thanks to modern technology , everybody is too busy doing stuff to notice you . Avoid knockoff times for schools .. when it comes to making fun of you , these little brats are probably your only worry in general

It has been my experience that women generally do not make eye contact with men other than men they are with. When you do make eye contact with another woman you smile -- not a big, full-on, all-teeth-showing smile, but a small smile of acknowledgement. It is the equivalent of men nodding at each other (they still do that, don't they?). Failing to smile at another woman would be odd.

As a woman you are looked at all of the time. Men check out your body, women check out your clothes, shoes, and makeup. The minute you walk out that front door you are "on stage" in a way you pretty much never experience as a guy. If you project an air of confidence, again with a smile if you make eye contact, you will be fine. Hide behind a potted palm (I tried that once) and you lose.

Be safe! Do go to places GG's go, shopping malls and the like, not for walks in dark areas at night. You are safer in a open shopping mall than in a dark street.

At first, go to places where you have freedom oif movement, where you can walk away from a situation if you feel uncomfortable. You are kinda tied down to one spot if you are in a theater or a sit-down restaurant so if someone gives you a look you aren't comfortable with you can become very anxious about it. Anxiety is not only a terrible feeling in a situation you should rather be enjoying, but it can also make your behavior seem odd.

If possible, go to the restroom on your way out, not your way in. That way, if someone is clocking you there is less they can do about it.

Just a few thoughts.

Hugs,
Persephone .

I agree with the other and with Jessica..... not much to add.

This is definitely a great start to the CD Handbook.

Only thing I could add is that watch for stares from 3 year olds. They're really tuned into facial recognition and it's best to look right back at them and just smile.

Definitely have a plan for most of the eventualities. I even carry a 'bail out' bag in the trunk. Just in case, I have to call a tow truck for something or another....

Thanks again.....

Renne.....

Thank you JessicaJane. Not only is much of this new to me - some of it explains things I have observed, but did not understand ...

Very well thought out and written Jessica. Nicely done!
I would add that for a first timer going out, if they haven't worked on their voice, to silence their phone because you don't want to blow your cover by having to answer your phone in a manly voice. It's one of my biggest fears when in the changing rooms that I get a call and have to answer it sounding like a guy.

Excellent do's and dont's Jessica. I definitely follow those.

Walking is the difficult part. Despite my best efforts, my shoulders tend to slouch forward. I usually find myself correcting it while I walk.

great stuff here...I can be a disaster in public too LOL...spilling drinks...falling down...its not pretty LOL...human...but not pretty.

Jessica,
Thanks for the info, I learn something new every day and your post was no exception.

Thank you so much, I will definitely keep these in mind when I go to the local Tri-Ess meeting in July. It will be the first place I go to publicly, hopefully there will be many more to come. Very scared and anxious, I definitely need to practice on my heels and using my make-up.

Lacie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adriana Moretti

great stuff here...I can be a disaster in public too LOL...spilling drinks...falling down...its not pretty LOL...human...but not pretty.

---

omg...she's not kidding either! she's a walking accident, waiting to happen lol
and very entertaining too, i might add lol
i really thought you broke your ankle...
but i still love you!! :)

Great post Jessica, brought back a lot of happy memories along with a few scary ones too.

Main "trick" is to dress your age and as your average woman in your area, and DON'T go to places a single woman wouldn't go on safety grounds, so no traipses around a deserted car park at two in the morning, you are asking for trouble!

Well done. Penny xx