It has happened. My wife and I had the talk...

Sorry I've not been around much for the past couple months. Life has been way busy with a new job and other big life changes - so how about another?


It started out as a regular day/night. We both had the day off, for the holiday, and decided to go out to eat and then to go see some fireworks. We came back and had a good rest of the evening until we went to bed. We got to talking again about some personal matters and she asked if I had anything else she should know about me. She's a smart girl. She's asked me these kinds of questions before and knew I was holding something back from her. (We've been married for about 4 years now, dated for 8 years prior to that). As it came to pass, she was not aware, *at all* about my dressing. Interesting.


I wish I could describe to you exactly how it went but I'll have to paraphrase because the last 5 hours just went by in a blink. I made the leap. I decided i would give in this time and tell her. I assumed she already had an idea, and I told her to take a stab (I didn't want to shock her terribly if I could manage it). She guessed (due to previous conversations) that it was that I was bi-curious. I confirmed with her she was right, but that it wasn't the complete picture. She still seemed completely lost, but had become serious. I knew I was treading on a sensitive area. She was afraid. I brought up to her the fact that she had made so many comments about myself looking feminine and how she would make suggestions for me to wear female underwear from time to time. (apparently, one time was just for laughs and the other time was something she originated herself from watching an episode of friends. :| )

She finally put the pieces together and said what I could not bring myself to say: "So you're a crossdresser?" me: ".... yes?" Wince. I was prepared for her to be disgusted with me.

We talked. and talked. and talked. She was extremely sensitive about the situation, but blown away at the same time. I couldn't begin to detail our conversation, but it was one that made me remember why i married this woman.

She is ok. We are fine. But she is not yet at terms with it, and isn't sure when she will be. I told her I love her and that I understand. I did tell her about this place and that there is a place here for her if she is interested in finding others in her situation and for general advice.


Just thought I'd let everyone know! It's good news, and i'm glad to be out with it. Thank you to everyone who has given me support thus far. I wouldn't be where i'm at today if it hadn't been for your advice.

Congrats sammie, i came out to the wife about 6 weeks ago so maybe i can help a little. Her feelings may wax and wane over the coming weeks. I talked to wife alot about gender and CD at first. I wanted to keep communicating. She finally said its almost all we talk about. So my advice is talk but keep other topics going too
Im sure the next few days will feel great for you, having unloaded this enormous secret. Watch her body language, it will be more telling than her words. She will want to be suppotive and speak accordingly, but the non verbal clues will be more telling.
Others told me (on this forum) when i came out to take it slow. My wife wanted to do all sorts of stuff to prove she was ok with CD. It was too much too soon. Her male image of me got "tainted" for a bit. So take it slow.
Please keep us updated. This is an important step and significant change in your relationship. My heart truly goes out to you and the wife. The reason i chose "Hope Springs" {eternal} was for the moment we tell our wives. Its hope for the future.

Congratulation Sammie
I hope everything works out for you. Even though there is no guarantee, it sounds like she is very understanding and willing to try. I told my wife last January and we've come a long way in just 6 month. The best advice I can give you is to take baby steps, give her time to adjust. Get ready for the emotional roller-coaster!!


I wish you the best

Sammie,
It's all like a hurdle race you clear once fence then the next one is coming !
As your marriage didn't come to crashing to an end, you've cleared the first fence, now let the dust settle and let it sink in ! You've probably got as many questions now as your wife because things have moved on ! Maybe you need to decide where you want your CDing to go ! Is it just CDing or do you want more ? It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you want to live full time, to many that's not true it's just a smoke screen ! You see all the girly stuff without the consequences !
When I came out I felt in limbo because I didn't know where the boundaries were, so that's probably next on your agenda !
Don't push too hard and be prepared to back off ! The road between tolerance and acceptance is a long one,hopefully at the end of it you may get full understanding !

Sammie,

You've taken a big step and I can only support what Jaclyn and Theresa have said. Do take it slowly; I would let her take the lead here. If you have followed similar threads here, you'll know that she has a lot to assimilate. At least you have been honest, and hopefully she will appreciate that you have trusted her with your intimate secret. Just remember that there is more to your relationship than your CD'ing, and those things should come first. In my case, I came out to my wife soon after we were married, but it has taken 40+ years for Claire to really be part of our life. I hope things will work out for you both.

That's great always good to hear a happy story, just take it slow I know you want to take the bull by the horns right now, but maybe don't push it and hopefully it will all fall into place. It must be a relief.

Hi Sammie, The ball is in her court now just don't overwhelm her .

Hi Sammie . . . so the 500 pound elephant is now out of the room. Just give her time to process what she has learned and take your cues from her demeanor. She sounds like a smart lady and I am guessing you can read her body language by now. When you feel the time is right approach the subject again then begin the long phase of communication. Now take a deep breath and allow yourself to process as well :)

Hugs

Isha

Hi Sammie,

You did the right thing telling her . I know how difficult that is but you are young and have so much life ahead of you. I truly hope she and you will be able to work through this and enjoy a long and happy life together .
Wishing you both the best in your future.

Jonnie

I told my wife recently. Like you I thought she had an inkling. But she didn't. It went well for me and I hope it does for you too.
If anything we are closer than ever and I'm in a very happy place at the moment.

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Originally Posted by sammiecd

.....She was extremely sensitive about the situation, but blown away at the same time. I couldn't begin to detail our conversation, but it was one that made me remember why i married this woman.

She is ok. We are fine. But she is not yet at terms with it, and isn't sure when she will be. I told her I love her and that I understand. I did tell her about this place and that there is a place here for her if she is interested in finding others in her situation and for general advice.

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Sammie, While she is 'processing' this, & Goggling her little HEART out on cross dressing, be prepared to answer her inevitable NEXT question, "Are you Gay?".
Kisses, :kiss:
Simone

Glad the first step went well

Sammie (love the name btw, tee hee) I would echo what others have said. Be prepared for some ups and downs. One day may be deliriously wonderful and the next a disaster. And progress can and often is followed by regression. Be patient. Be the guy she loved enough to want to be with. Hope for the best. Thats the whole thing, really. Just love her, you know?
Hugs
Sammie

Congratulations! I went through something similar about 6 months ago and I know the feeling. I just didn't want to hide it from her anymore. She turned out to be OK with it. I think this kind of thing usually goes better for younger people (not to say that it doesn't blow up on someone younger). My advice is just to take it slowly. I've heard of people that come out to their SO and then start dressing constantly that drives them away. Think of it like easing into a swimming pool. :P For me, having someone that knows about my dressing was a big step towards self acceptance and helped me progress faster learning how to properly apply make up.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It was a long night. Sleep didn't come until the sun did, but we made our peace for the night.

She's not mad. But she's taking her time to think about it right now. I totally understand that and have no plans to push anything with her until she's comfortable.

Her emotions have definately been a bit all over the place. I think it was easier for her to be supportive last night because she was still in shock. Her default reaction is to love me. :)

Now she's had some time to ponder it, and it's a bit strange. She needs her space.


The thing is -- I've only dressed once in the past couple months. I used to dress a bit more than that, but it comes and goes. I just didn't want to hide that from her any longer, and honestly, I wanted to share in it with her to whatever degree she'd be comfortable. I tried to explain that to her last night but i'm not sure how it came across.

Now we wait. :)

Sammie,
I am glad it is going well for you.
The same old advice, take it slowly, don't ask her opinion of how she thinks you look, dress only when she is ready for you to dress and she should slowly come around. Remember this does not happen overnight.

I do wish you well for the future.

Likewise Sammie, I'm glad it's going well... sounds like you are taking the right approach with this and good signs that she is willing to continue talking.. :)

I'll keep my fingers crossed and a thought in my heart for what you may have to deal with... :hugs:

Katey x

That's awesome news Sammie ! I'm glad it went so well.Definetly probably one of the hardest things we will have to share with our wives.All the best for the coming weeks.

That is awesome how that went.

Sammie
Congratulations! I have been on this journey for 17 months now with my wife. My case turned out to be more TS than I really wanted to admit. Even though I have required more time to explore my femenine side than some here, my wife is still beside me. Try to let her have her own experience. We have no way of knowing what our SO needs until she tells us. I agree go slow and be loving!
Suzanne

I came out to my wife literally from the very beginning. And then gave her another year, with out living together for a year. And then I popped the question of, and prior to marriage I made it clear that that was a crossdresser, and I am, even though I've not dressed in an awfully long time, and truth be known do not own any women's "anything" nor have I've messed nor worn hers.

I'm not exactly where and how to proceed from here?

Am I a cross dresser, transgendered, or whatever label you subscribe to? Most definitely!

I'm envious of women, in that had I been born a GG? I wouldn't have to deal with all these preconceived cultural, societal, religious notions about what "IS" a man and being a "Man" ~ walking like a "Man" talking like a "Man" Acting like a "Man" and being all the more less so, if I for one instance deviate from the societal, cultural, religious connotation of such?

I'm not gay ~ which I don't mean in a defensive sort of way ~ as a means of validating my sexuality? I'm simply do not find men attractive on ANY level, mental, emotional, physical, psychologically , sexually ~ there's simply no connection there?

BUT I am drawn toward the feminine? I LOVE women and femininity and all of its trappings, and all that goes with it.

And I've always HAVE been since earliest memory as a child?

I've always wanted to not just hang out with the girls? I wanted to be one of the them?

I was always more interested in their concerns, questions, their doubts, their worries, their feelings, their thoughts, ................

Well good for you, Sammie. Whatever the eventual outcome, you must be feeling better about yourself.
Look after that girl you love.

Christen x

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Originally Posted by Christen

Well good for you, Sammie. Whatever the eventual outcome, you must be feeling better about yourself.
Christen x

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I do feel much better knowing that I'm not hiding anything from her anymore. And i really do hope to one day be able to really share that side of myself with her.

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Originally Posted by Christen

Look after that girl you love.

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Always :) She's just too good to me.

Sammie, first congratulations on having the talk. The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step and all that. Secondly, you and your wife have proved yet again that the " talk" can be had. Where it ends up, is only in your two hands. Good luck.

Hi sammie, it's great that you and your wife had the talk but keep talking! I just went through the letter and talk with my wife and was so sure we were going in the same direction and she quit talking to me about my dressing. Just tonight she came into my bed room (separate rooms for 1 1/2 years) and I had my bra and forms on with a tight sleep shirt and she couldn't look at me, she needed help with her tv and came to me. Keep talking even if its uncomfortable, the more you talk the better. JAMEY

Thank you Jennifer. I honestly didn't even seriously consider telling her until I read your post in your signature. It wasn't that I thought I couldn't trust my wife, it was more of a absolute mortification of how my wife would think of me.

But anyway, i just wanted you to know that your post really helped convince me to come out with it sooner rather than later, and I am very happy I did. It's been interesting so far. :D


Jamey,

Thank you for your insight. So far, my wife has never seen me dressed. We've talked a lot since the other night. She asked about the clothes that I've worn, and if I had a wig, and where my stuff was. She asked if I had my own makeup (I do, but it's not much). She laughed and was playfully mad with me and said "you're better at makeup than I am, aren't you??" That was part of the initial discussion and it provided a good comical relief. (the answer: not by a longshot, and I told her so).

She was very weirded out, though. that's for sure. and she admitted that she currently couldn't see herself wanting to be involved in anything like that (teaching me how to do makeup or things like that), but she didn't say never. I just think she wants time to reaffirm that I'm still who I've been to her. If nothing else, telling her has made us so much closer. She knows something about me so very personal and secret that I've never really shared with anyone (present company excluded, obviously).

It always reminds me of that scene in the park from good will hunting where robin williams is talking about love and he says

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And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable.

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.

That always made me feel guilty that I didn't have that with my wife. Now I do. :)

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Originally Posted by sammiecd

I just think she wants time to reaffirm that I'm still who I've been to her. If nothing else, telling her has made us so much closer. She knows something about me so very personal and secret that I've never really shared with anyone...

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Congratulations Sammie, you've taken the biggest step that any of us in your situation can, and it seems to be going well... congratulations to you BOTH!!! :hugs:

The, hopefully, honesty and openness going forward will be a BIG plus, I sure you'll both benefit from it, and I think you've hit the nail on the head with your point above... she needs to be sure that you're the same person she fell in love with and married, no matter to what extent you "dress."

Keep reassuring her that you love her, nothing has changed, apart from the fact that you may now love her even MORE because she's taking her time and processing the situation instead of just running screaming for the hills! :)

Give her all the time and space she needs, as others have repeatedly said, don't rush, take things slowly, and as long as you can keep the communication open and honest, and go at HER pace, you'll hopefully have a loving and committed relationship.

Congratulations to you both again!
Paula

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Originally Posted by sammiecd

she admitted that she currently couldn't see herself wanting to be involved in anything like that (teaching me how to do makeup or things like that), but she didn't say never.

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A lot of CDers seem to think that the end result of telling a spouse about their CDing is then getting a girlfriend to do makeup and manicures with. To them, that is what acceptance looks like.

But for most SOs, playing with makeup and manicures is something teens go through. We might play along for a couple of months, or a few times a year, but basically, very few adult women are going to want to have these girly girl sessions that CDers seem to imagine from seeing teen movies. Try to think of a movie about women your wife's age acting the way you picture GGs acting together.

Sometimes I think CDers need to have this fantasy of what acceptance looks like (manicures! help with my hair!) in order to get over the hard task of revealing their secret to their SO. So maybe the fantasy serves a purpose. But I hope that soon after the secret is revealed, the CDer can accept that his wife is not going to turn into a teenage girl and enjoy teaching him to put on makeup.

I appreciate your insight Jess. It is tough sometimes to parse out what my hopes for our relationship in the future will look like v.s. what actually will happen. I've not mentioned any specifics to her about what I would like to share with her regarding my cd. It's still quite early to tell what the end result will be, but I've already told her multiple times that I am not going to pressure her into anything. I told her because I did not want to keep it from her any longer, not because I expect her to have anything to do with it. She understands that it means a lot to me, though she doesn't understand it herself, and that I would like to share that part of myself with her, but I've made her aware that whatever her involvement will be, it will be completely on her terms.

I've tried to explain to her that the main reason I want to share in this with her is because I love her and find her opinions and discernment to be of great value.

I'm honestly not sure how things will turn out, but I know that in the end she'll love me, and that I'll love her. That's enough. Anything else would be icing on the cake. :)