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For a few weeks now I've been so close to dressing and going down to Cato or the farmer's market. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Kind of thinking of going to a movie with my wife sometime dressed. Any advice on how to get over the hump between "I'd like to do this" and "I'm going to do this?
Gwendolyn
My first time getting out fully made up, etc., I stepped out the door and quickly locked it behind me and started walking. I calmed down quickly and faced all my fears, none of which came to fruition.
Most of us have experienced the same feelings. Many of us have started with a drive and then progressed to parking and walking into a store, sometimes initially retreating once reaching the door. The butterflies will always be there until you finally decide to do it and then actually make it happen.
For me, since I'm closeted, it was an opportunity to go out dressed while far from home, with a forum friend in a safe venue, that finally pushed me out the door in my heels. I guess I was nervous leading up to it, but I think once the day arrived and I was actually out in public dressed as a woman, my nervousness was replaced by amazement and wonder that I was actually doing it! I had a great time, and given similar circumstances, I'd jump at the chance ;)
I had a place that I wanted to go for my first time and I knew I would go but kept putting it off. Once got a friend to go with me it happened. Once I got there the fear went away and I figured would just do it and think about it later. I only went for like 45 minutes but I felt so much better after, That I did it! Now I want to go again. I think I will enjoy it more the second time as I won't be so nervous before hand and can go relaxed. Until you get the first one out of the way you can't get to your second adventure and then truly enjoy the freedom and acceptance of it all.
My first time out, was 2005, and it was so scary the firsdt few times. I only go out once or twice a year. Lately, i have chickened out , and am stuck! At my hieght ( six foot six barefoot), and six' nine" in my low heels, i just have lost my courage, and don't want to fa e staring, giggling, pointing, guys shouting stuff. None of that to face in the closet.
hi Gwen
try to find a group like Tri-Ess. they can help you get out and there is comfort in numbers
Kelley
Pick a destination with your wife, get dressed and head out the door. The "hump" is all in your head. You have to push yourself over it.
You could start by dressing in women's pants, blouse and flats, so you wouldn't be too obvious, perhaps.
Pick somewhere nice as you will never forget your first outing.
Was there anything you ever did that you had to do but were very nervous about? But you did it because you had to. Put yourself in that mindset and you will git er done.
Exactly.Quote:
Originally Posted by kimdl93
And once you're over the hump, you will look back on your fear and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. True, fear can be debilitating and difficult to overcome, and it can assist in curbing what otherwise may be an unwise course of action, but this is your life.
So. The question you gotta ask yourself is how important is this to you that you go out? If it's something you gotta do, then pick somewhere "safe" and non-threatening for your first few outings. You will quickly pick up on the reality of going out - most people are too wrapped up in their own lives and simply do not care.
But if going out ain't that big a deal to you, then why put yourself through the exercise? Don't sweat it, don't worry about it.
Life, though, is short. It's also precious. For all we know, we have only one shot at this. So why not give it your best and do your thing, right?
It's all good, and you can do it if you want it bad enough. :-)
Maybe if I went out dressed in vanilla land for a 100 years I'd enjoy it? But, probably not. I just don't see the point. I'm a CD. Not TS. Going shopping, out to dinner, or anything similar is STRESSFUL for me. While dressing at home is just the opposite!
I go out dressed to be with other dressers, period. That makes it fun and worthwhile. It's not just mind over matter for many of us. We r men in dresses going out among people that recognize us but don't understand why!
Go out if u need/want to. But, not all of us enjoy that!
General advice is to go slowly until you get comfortable. Start with short walking trips, shopping trips, trips to the gas station, or generally driving around. Feel free to limit social interaction until you get more and more comfortable.
You'll also start learning safe places to go.
it's like sex, after the first time, you just can't stop. or potato chips, whatever. I go to lots of places while dressed, no wig, sometimes makeup. most people don't really care, they are too busy with their own stuff. just pick the right places to go, don't go to hooters or strip clubs. i never go out with other cd's, i think that would draw un-due attention, plus i don't know any other cd's. if you go out dressed, you have to OWN IT, know what i mean. be confident and don't appear meek and people won't F**K with you. at least in my own experience.
all i can say is you will go out when you are ready.
thinking back when i first wanted to go out... i wanted to go out so bad!! i was dressed and ready to go out,
8 hours later i was still standing by my front door!! i kept putting my hand on the doorknob and then would let go.
i was soooooo scared!! i finally got past my front door and made it out. that was about 2 years ago. when i think
back to that time i ask myself what was i so afraid of. it does get much easier each trip out.
i wish you the very best and you will finally do it also! :)
In my job (as an engineer) we usually do a risk analysis.
In practice it's more complicated than this, but it basically comes down to what are the risks vs what are the benefits.
Risks
Being seen by neighbors
Being clocked by teenage girls
Running into someone you know
Being outed
Being mugged
Benefits
The excitement of being out.
Generally speaking the likelihood of a risk happening is very small, and can be managed.
What's the likelihood of someone you know being at a Dress Barn tat the same time as you and recognizing you.
If you're worried about it, manage the risk. Go to a Dress Barn 30 or 60 miles away.
On being clocked by teenage girls, is it going to hurt you (unless one of them is your daughter's best friend)? Just plan on owing it.
I suggest just going over in your mind what you're going to do and how you're going to do it several times until it's something you don't have to think about when you actually do it. Here are some thoughts:
Getting out of the house can be difficult and risky. If neighbors see you leave, there's a good chance they will figure out that it's you. Same for when you return. Me, I underdress and change in the car in a parking lot away from home. Same for when I return.
Assuming that you have a wig and wear makeup, people aren't likely to recognize you. Adding female glasses or sunglasses helps.
People are less apt to recognize you alone than if you are with your wife. Same for a familiar place (bar) or if you have a unique vehicle.
If people figure out that you are a crossdresser, it doesn't really matter as long as they are strangers. Don't let it bother you.
Hi Gwinnie,
The biggest hurdles we all face when going out for the first time is the "front door" and "our imagination". We see the world as a scary place where there are gangs of roving people with burning torches waiting for a "tranny sighting". Doesn't happen and indeed you will find that when out, it is the "biggest non-event". People either don't notice or if they do have the good graces to keep their opinions to themselves. Don't get me wrong it is not all "sunshine, lollipops and unicorns" and you will get some rude looks, giggles, guffaws and whatnot which does require a thick skin. As well you need to think safe venues (e.g., malls, family restaurants, TG support groups, daytime) vice biker bars, strip clubs and nighttime activities. Be safe and cautious and you will find it is not a scary Vanilla world when dressed "en femme".
As far as getting over the hump you might try some "In Vivo Desensitization" which is just desensitizing yourself to the "anxiety causing stressor". For example, you might start with some visualization such as picturing yourself opening the door and walking to your car, sitting in your car dressed, driving your car dressed to some location and driving back. Move to visualizations of being out and about, having good interactions and what not. You may also want to incorporate in your visualizations some bad encounters "laughs, pointing, rude comments" and how you would deal with them (ignore them is my recommendation). Once you have the visualizations down, move the physical . . . approach the door, open the door and step outside and stand there with the wind on your face (remember to breath and soak it all in). If you find that comfortable walk to your car and sit it in . . . well you get the picture. Progressive steps is the best way forward. You may find yourself driving to the mall twenty times, having an internal argument with yourself about getting out only to find yourself back home again . . . this is not a loss but your minds way of protecting itself. However on the twenty first trip to the mall you will (if ready) exit the car and walk through the doors . . . from there it is all down hill.
Take is slow sweetie . . . it will come.
Hugs
Isha
When I first started going out en femme I would go out of town and rent a hotel room and get dressed there and then head out. Early in my crossdressing career I found that movie theaters were a great place to go to.
The best way to go out is with other people that you trust. Spouse, friends, a TG group, etc. all give you something to focus on while you get used to the new reality of your life.
The fears you have are real, but later on you will realize that we tend to blow them way out of proportion. Eventually, you will confront many of them but not all at the same time.
I've even had to run the gauntlet of a couple of dozen teenage cheerleaders to get into a restaurant. At 6'2" plus a couple for heels I wasn't going to sneak by unnoticed! Guess what happened? That's right, nothing! I don't doubt that a couple of comments were passed, but that's no skin off of my nose.
If I get the jitters, I just think about something else. Generally I'm doing something I've done a million times before in drab, so I just go on auto-pilot, and let it happen. But then, I kind of like being scared.
I'm in the same boat as Gwinnie. I live in a rural community where everyone knows everyone. I'm also self-conscious about my height - 6'3" in bare feet. But I know the time is coming, and I think it will be under the care and supervision of a mentor, and in a venue that is TG-friendly. It's just taking that first step that makes me nervous...
http://youtu.be/pZ37wGsDTNEGwinnie....all the lovely girls here have given you good advice.......really, there is little else I can add.....but perhaps this video I made on just this subject my help you: Good Luck!
Gwinnie: When I was in your position, I contacted TRI_ESS and the local moderator, Rhonda, and I discussed it and he invited me to come to a local chapter meeting - either in drab or dressed. As the date approached, I had several more discussions with Rhonda and determined to go to the meeting as Donna. All was well driving to the hotel, but when I parked in the parking lot and faced walking up to the hotel in heels, I got pretty nervous. I finally did it and when I entered the lobby, the doorman greeted me with "Good Morning, Ma'am!" I thought I would lose it right then. In the lobby were 25-30 Mary Kay reps assembling there for a meeting and they were most gracious and courteous as I wove my way through the crowd to the elevator without saying a word! Up the elevator an down the hall to the Tri-Ess suite and then I was welcomed in open arms by the Tr-Ess girls. With that experience behind me, I am no longer nervous about going out. I've been out shopping, to restaurants and to movies as Donna on several occasions and now find it fun and exciting! Go Girl!
I checked to see if I had balls, put on a dress (okay I was not a very good dresser in those days - actually a really bad dresser), and hoped out the car at a remote family tea room (one of those places in the middle of nowhere that sells coffee & cakes, that I'd checked out earlier). After a nice experience there, it wasn't long before shopping malls & movies became a regular outing.
Hi Gwinnie, The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.
Excellent video and advice, Betty Jean. I really enjoyed it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Betty Jean Blose
My first outing was pretty much like DonnaT describes. I was really nervous until the second the front door closed behind me then my fears just..... disappeared. It all felt quite natural, normal. It was a dark evening but even so I don't pass at all. I spent about an hour walking the busy streets and went back home with considerable reluctance.
I've only been out once (I hope to fix that soon) but I'd say that going against the simple of mistake of dressing flashy rather than dressing to blend can make it more difficult to pass. I'd say wear something simple to get your confidence up and maybe try a movie on a day that isn't busy. That is what I plan on doing to ease my way into more public outings. Good Luck! Keep us posted. :)
I've been going out for about 5 years, now, and I've learned a couple of things. First, the fear of being "clocked" is blown way out of proportion. At any given time, about 80% of the people in a room such as a resturaunt will not even know you are there. Of the 20% the are aware that you are on the room, maybe 2% will realize that you're a guy in a skirt. Of those that realize you're a guy in a skirt, only 1% will care. Most people are to busy with their own lives to even notice us.
As has been mentioned before, confidence will carry the day. As some very wise GG on e told me, "Head up, shoulders back, and boobs out. Walk proud!"
I think people do notice. I know I notice and my wife notices. If anyone walks by in the mall or on the street who look s a bit different, we notice and comment to each other. The other day in the mall there was a guy in one of the booths selling cell phones. He had short black hair on the sides and long green hair on top combed over. We noticed. If a woman walks by with large partially exposed breasts, we notice. Same for a too tight dress or too high heels. We notice men if they look odd to us as well. I doubt we are different from everyone else, I suspect we are the same.
I'm not saying that it matters if people notice or read you as a CD, just that I believe thought that they don't is incorrect.
One day I had a full beard of thirty years and had never considered crossdressing. The next I was in a pastel pink double breasted coat, heels, stockings, forms, padded panties, wine colored knit jersey dress, false nails, false eyelashes, makeup, wig, and walking down the Main Street. In a straight nightclub dancing until two am.
One minute unknown, the next all in.
For me being OUT and being enfemme are one and the same. It is for me as natural to be OUT while dressed as it is to BE dressed.
Do as good a job as you possibly can with your presentation. Dress appropriately, go to another town thirty miles away, one that is a decent size like 100,000 people, and it will be less stressful.
But HAVE FUN!