Dropping the cross dressing atom bomb on someone you're dating.

So, I have never had any luck when it comes to telling women about my alter ego. In the 3 years I've gotten really serious about dressing I have seen like 10 different women. And every single one of them ran for the hills after I told them. If they don't run when they hear I dress like a woman sometimes then they definitely bolt when they hear I'm bi too. I've done all sorts of ways. I've told some straight up before we even met the first time, I've told some after a few dates. And some I waited months to tell. My personal opinion is to be upfront about it as soon as possible. Not right away but after a few dates I think is good. If I say it right away I don't stand a chance. If I wait to say it after we have developed feelings for each other then she runs and we both get hurt. So I feel it's best to say it somewhere in the middle. Not right away, but not wait too long. But it just sucks that not a single one has been accepting of it. She doesn't even have to be involved or anything. Just be accepting is all I ask. Once or twice a month Rachel gets released onto the world and it's so much fun I refuse to stop. I refuse to let a woman make me choose. I am who I am. Her making me choose between her and dressing is on the same level as her making me choose between guitar and her. Sorry babe, but i'm picking the other. Lol. Anyways now that the rant is complete, how did you girls tell you're S.O. or someone you were dating? Were your experiences like mine? Do you find there is very, and i stress very, few women who accept our lifestyle?

Where do you find these women? Find a different pool to fish in if you get my drift. I have a supporting wife and there are many others out in this forum with them too. It is not impossible to find them.

I'd have run, lol! That's the honest truth, as most here know. What seems like a whole lot of fun to you can look like a whole lot of baggage to a woman. I don't think humans actively seek a difficult life and crossdressing, to Joe Public, just seems so dang difficult and perplexing. Not to mention, it's quite the turn-off if you're a vanilla straight girl. We tend to prefer our men in men's clothing, and given this is how most men are, you can't blame these girls for walking (or running) away. Plenty more fish, as they say.

I would think dating girls who are open to alternate lifestyles is a good start. Those fetish sites, maybe?

@Celeste

The fact that you and others on this site have supporting wives/SO's is a great thing.. and you should cherish that fact. :)

However, the vast majority of relationships end after a revelation like this (or don't even get to start if you're honest from the first date). I've seen and heard many stories in the last 15 years (from the internet, but mostly from all the support group meetings in the Netherlands and Belgium).. and for each CD/TG/TS that is lucky to have a supportive wife or girlfriend, there are at least 20 stories that didn't end well. And I'm being cautious with that number.

Even over here in the Netherlands, shiny beacon of tolerance/enlightenment/openness (first country in the world legalising same-sex marriage).. a lot of women don't want to have a CD as a partner. Sure, they might support and even go shopping with a friend who is a CD, but to be actually in a relationship with one... that's A Bridge Too Far.

( which coincidentally is a movie about a bridge in the Netherlands.. :p )


@Rachel: sorry.. I have no real useful advice with regards to your question. I would tell them in the first few weeks. And if they go running.. which they often do.. then too bad.

Rachel one sunny day you will find the one. When you do you may not even know it. My wife did not know for years but, then again, we kind of re-discovered my passion together. You see I had buried my desire so deep in childhood that I never dressed again until I was with her. That being said I also found my salvation in her. My wife and I together found my alter ego. At first she was freaked out until she found this site, and then after reading the info here shared it with me. I know we kind of worked backwards here, but it worked. I wish you luck and one day you will find the one.

I think some introspection is in order. There is more to a cross dresser than cross dressing. While I suspect that few to no women are looking for cross dressers, some will see past it. Some will see it as baggage as Tink stated. If all this person sees is an ok guy who cross dresses, they are not vested in you and they can easily leave or give up. What else are they NOT seeing in you? THAT is what you need to address.

I think more women can accept the cross dressing, than can accept you being bi.

Rachel, kudos to you for taking the step to lay all your cards on the table. I agree with Jennifer, take a look at your presentation of the facts and what else you are bringing to the table. Although my wife is supportive, the revelation occurred after we were married and were invested. As she puts it she is accepting because cross dressing is one part of the one she loves. If she could choose, though, she would prefer it was not part of me.

Being bi does not always mean being promiscuous. But I can see how anyone would not like to feel that they are merely one of many if they are supposed to be an SO (I have bi friends who are monogamous)

hmmm hi Rachel!! first off I love your profile picture you look absolutely amazing!
for me I have met only 1 that was so accepting and willing! She would want to go lingerie shopping and buy matching sets so we can cuddle in bed,
I told her after she became more accepting and understanding of who I was(after the honeymoon phase).
I can really relate also to choosing between the guitar or her(i've been in that situation way too many times)

I think what really helped was that I already had naturally feminine attributes so she was all for it but I also think that us being crazy in love with each other knowing that I am being myself with her and that's the person who she fell in love with. She told me that it's just another part of me she would love to get to know.
Also how you bring it up I think is a huuuuge huge huge huge deal breaker as well. For instance just for fun I would ask her if she has seen the "my boyfriend does my make up challenge," and vice versa and it just turned into a fun normal healthy activity.


Point being there are women in our lives that can be very accepting it just takes time and honesty, try not to hide it and be more open about it as opposed to keeping it as your "alter ego,".
I don't mean it in any demeaning way, But really I feel as if sometimes we make a big deal over nothing and then it just turns into a big deal and then it gets messy.

Any time a man or a woman tells the other that he or she must choose or lose, the relationship is doomed... unless you're into being dominated by a control freak. Any woman who tells a cross dresser to just turn it off really does not understand the potential issues. It's the same for the man who thinks he also can just turn it off.

Anyway, I rambled. There are women, who will tolerate cross dressing in a DADT relationship. The difficulty in finding such a gem is establishing a long term relationship where the man's other qualities are known before the revelation occurs. I am in total agreement with Tink. Most women want to discuss the color of the bedroom walls and not the color of the dress he wants to wear to dinner.

Good luck in trying to find that women.

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Originally Posted by bridget thronton

Being bi does not always mean being promiscuous. But I can see how anyone would not like to feel that they are merely one of many if they are supposed to be an SO (I have bi friends who are monogamous)

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Yea youre right. Ive only ever been with a few guys. And only in Rachel mode. Rob mode has absolutely no desire for a man. I would never date a man either. And even when Rachel is out, the guy has to be an incredible specimen for me to be attracted to him. Im EXTREMELY picky.

It is always said around here that you should tell whomever as soon as possible but I have never believed that to be true. You need to get to know a person first and see what kind of person they are. I knew long before I told my SO who she was and knew my CDing wasn't going to be a deal breaker or anything along those lines but the fear of such kept it under wraps for a very long time even though she suspected.

DADT? Compromises? Would she do the same for you? If the answer is no, keep looking. For every five that can't deal, one will. It may take awhile to find but it will be worth the wait.

Maybe I have it wrong but I don't consider being a cross dresser a "atom bomb' so to speak. I think woman are more turned off by you being bi than by your dressing. There are plenty of woman out there that will accept who you are ,just have to keep looking. good luck and happy hunting.

Maybe I should just leave the bi part out. Like I said I would never date a guy and have only messed around with a few in my life. Unless he is a god of a man, Im not going to be interested in him. And Rob has ZERO desire for a man. So I dont know, maybe ill just forget about that part. Plus if Im with someone its not like im going to cheat on them with anyone.

Rachel we're back to the old honesty question again, you want to come clean and say I'm not a bad guy but I like to CD ! If you tell them too soon they will think they're not going to be the only love of their life. If you leave telling them till later they'll think you've been leading them on and lying to them !
I also hate to say that this won't get any easier with age, in the late teens and early twenties a bit of CDing is fun and if handled right can be built into a relationship. A GG in her thirties is definitely looking for a stable long lasting relationship, but I won't say it's all doom and gloom there are GGs who will accept and enjoy a flexible relationship so don't give up yet, it can still happen !

I very much doubt you being bi if you wouldnt date a guy and would slept with one only as a woman. Also, HOW you present your crossdressing has a huge impact on the outcome of the said bomb dropping. Why not just casually inform that you sometimes like to dress in womens clothing and watch the reaction with joyful curiousness?

That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol

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Originally Posted by ~Joanne~

It is always said around here that you should tell whomever as soon as possible but I have never believed that to be true. You need to get to know a person first and see what kind of person they are.

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follow up question. When you find out what kind of person they are...say they are unaccepting...what do you do? Keep it a secret and keep dating? Keep it a secret and break up? Finally tell and see how she reacts giving her the opportunity to make up her own mind. If any of the above how do you reconcile the time you took from them (and yourself) that you could have been looking for someone more your type?

The cross dressing did not make me run but if my husband would have told me he was Bi when we were dating? .......I would have been out of there faster than the road runner of cartoon fame. Too many un-curable diseases out there to trust someone who is bi. But I have trust issues anyway.

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Originally Posted by RachelRoxx

That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol

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Dunno, even about myself... Thats the problem with typecasting. I usually just precisely explain how I feel about stuff, works the best. Bi-curious, straight who made some explorations? Let the other one put a sticker on you :D

The bi part doesn't need to be in the disclosure unless you were presently actively seeing male companions. A few youthful experiences or experiments doesn't really qualify.

I disagree with the idea that you should disclose before it gets serious. Not every woman you date will need to know. Save the really personal revelations for those you are seriously interested in and who have enough of an interest in you to accept you as a whole person... Hint..this time comes when she starts confiding and inviting confidences.

And yes, it may hurt if that revelation is too much. But that's the risk we take. It's better than driving away someone before they really know you well enough to care.

This is why all of my online dating profiles these days are for Zoe, with a BIG NOTE in the first paragraph about what I am. I've met some great people, and it's nice to know up front that they were attracted to this side of me. Usually they realize that I'm the same person either way, and it's all good. :)

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Originally Posted by RachelRoxx

Yea youre right. Ive only ever been with a few guys. And only in Rachel mode. Rob mode has absolutely no desire for a man. I would never date a man either. And even when Rachel is out, the guy has to be an incredible specimen for me to be attracted to him. Im EXTREMELY picky.

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I don't really like labels, but that being said ...I'm not an expert here, but based on what you say, I don't think you're bi.

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Originally Posted by RachelRoxx

That is true I guess. But what would you consider me then? Lol

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You just "experimented in college."

The BiSexual part makes it sound seedy, like the cross dressing and the bi sexual stuff is all related as if you are putting on a skirt and hitting the local gay bar for anything you can get. I think its best to let her know about your dressing, but not link it to the having sex with men part. If it ever comes up then maybe tell her you fooled around with a guy a couple times but its not a threat to her or anything like that. Who knows maybe you too getting dolled up with another guy is something she would be into but don't weigh her down with too much all at once.

@RachelRoxx - your best bet for finding a compatible partner is to find a woman who is, herself, bisexual. A bisexual woman tends to be the most accepting of an SO who CDs in a relationship. And of course, being bi herself, she can't exactly hold your sexual orientation against you either.

It's really a tough break that you have two such stigmatized things about yourself, bisexuality, and CDing. It's totally unfair the way so many people feel about both of these, especially cisgender heterosexual women, but I guess those are the breaks. It's probably not much comfort to you, but it could be worse - you could be a transsexual.

Can you be open-minded about what she wants? Many open-minded women have kinks of their own. Many get turned on by someone dominant -- can you take charge in bed? Many women like a little pain during sex -- can you go there? Or alternatively, can you submit to a woman who likes being dominant in bed, and will expect you to value her pleasure over your own? If any of those seem possible to you, you might want to use a kinky dating site or start spending time in the fetish community.

Jess, that's what I suggested - the kink community seems the best option for crossdressers who want to be open from the start, which I encourage if it's a relatively big part of their life. If, like Jennifer mentioned, it's just one small aspect of the person then time and patience with less accepting girls might also work. I think most here would know the right time to tell, if they make that decision and stick with it. Telling is still more desirable than not no matter the situation.

As for the bi issue, this never bothered me for some reason. I had a LTR with a bisexual guy before meeting H, and I never felt he was itching to run off with a man. I felt jealous he had so many more options than me if we split up, LOL! But I know from him, and from having a best friend who is bi and has since settled down very happily with a husband and kids, that it doesn't mean some rampant sex feast at every corner. Bisexual people CAN choose to be monogamous with the person they love, boy or girl.

I suspect the rest of us are just jealous at our more limited dating pool :)

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

follow up question. When you find out what kind of person they are...say they are unaccepting...what do you do? Keep it a secret and keep dating? Keep it a secret and break up? Finally tell and see how she reacts giving her the opportunity to make up her own mind. If any of the above how do you reconcile the time you took from them (and yourself) that you could have been looking for someone more your type?

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I would probably say, keep it a secret and break up, but that is Me. You usually get a really good feel for what kind of person someone is within 2-4 weeks of dating. I just think telling someone on the first date is a huge mistake especially if your a CD and do not plan on going past that (transitioning).

Take the CDing out of the picture for a moment and wouldn't it be wise to do the same if she/he aren't the person you thought they were or presented themselves as? It would be better to waste the 30 days rather than get married and be unhappy your whole life or get divorced and waste that much more of both of your time.

Personally, I am lucky enough to have an AMAZING SO, even without the CDing aspects, who doesn't try to be the master in our relationship, lay down laws, or any of that other nonsense. We are in this together and as such we do everything together including getting through things and the bad times.

I just think that we do a lot of compromising around here and to be with someone that doesn't accept you for you is starting to sound like relationships are a one way street you're traveling the wrong way. Why "settle"?

I believe the OP has the right idea, but is coming forward too soon in the relationship. I certainly believe it should be out on the table before the relationship gets serious , if possible because it comes down to the type of person you are, and most certainly BEFORE you walk the asile.

Of coarse this is just MY opinion ;)

What my experience has felt to be is that the single biggest difficulty in my finding someone is my age (53); secondly that I am not really interested in dating men; thirdly that I have a relatively low sex drive; and fourth that I am trans.

Most people on dating sites don't really read profiles; they might skim them, sometimes, but even on the sites that are less "hook-up" and more "relationship" only a minority of people react more than superficially to something written in the profiles. So it is that I have had some women contact me not having noticed that I wrote about being trans. Some just immediately stop the conversation (usually without even a line of goodbye, or a response if I follow up later), but the more common reaction is an "Okay, I can deal with that", possibly with a "But I won't do oral on you". The disqualifier at that point typically turns out to be that they want sex more often than my body would be up to it.

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Originally Posted by marshalynn

I think more women can accept the cross dressing, than can accept you being bi.

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Bi woman most often accept bi guys...

So first you tell her that you crossdress and, if she is still hanging in there, you then let her know that you are bi? What kind of women are you dating? On top of that, you're carrying some attitude about a woman "making you choose". I'm a happily married guy so I know that there are all kinds of women out there, who like all kinds of things, but I can't imagine that very many women are going to hang around given your approach. Someone suggested trying bi-girls, at a minimum I think you should go that route - I also think you need to realize that all women want to be your top priority, whatever peccadillos you, or I, or they, may bring to the table. Without that, you can pretty much forget it.

This may sound like a romantic idea but a woman who really loves you (gets to know you and understand you) may have an easier time adjusting to those ideas so take some time to really get to know each other. Maybe don't bring up both topics at once but rather one at a time. I admire your courage to bring it up so early in a relationship.

I told my wife i was bi first. a year or so later i told her i was a cd. now she does my makeup a lot and gives me advice on clothing. Im very lucky

Whether a woman gets to know you does not change what turns her on, or turns her off. For the vast majority of women, femininity in a guy is a sexual turn off. And there's nothing you can do about that. I don't blame women that aren't attracted to us for being unfair, or unreasonable. It's simply what they feel when they think of us in a dress. You can find the most accepting woman on the face of the earth, but if she's turned off by you being a crossdresser, there will never be any romantic relationship between you and her. That said, I'm in a similar boat, and am doing the same thing. But I sort of test the waters, ask how my date feels about sexual alternative lifestyles. So far, I've come across no women who would consider a crossdresser as a mate. The last time I did any serious research finding information about who might date us was back in the nineties, but I don't believe anything has changed. Those statistics were about 1.5% of women who would consider a crossdresser as a partner. However, while in therapy, discussing it with the therapist, it turns out that of the women who initially believed they could tolerate it, about half eventually decided they could not. So that leaves us with about 0.75% of all the women out there as potential mates. That is the reality. There are a lot of people here, those with accepting wives, who will tell you otherwise, that if someone gets to know you first and becomes emotionally invested in the relationship, she may 'come around'. But again, no matter how much she may love you, what is a turn off usually always remains a turn off, and it eventually rips the relationship apart. The best advice that I have been given, was to make friends with gay women, and go to the female gay bars when they go out, as a friend. There you will find a few women who are basically straight but are curious, perhaps with some attraction to the physical femininity, which we can hopefully steer towards our own gender crossing. We hope. So that's my only advice. As I'm not out, there is little hope of me doing that, so I remain online, ever hopeful. I've met a lot of women who like me, but none who would find any joy at dating a guy who wants to be as pretty as they are. For those who will say that there are plenty of women out there that will date, even marry us, well then, start a straight girl crossdresser dating business. You'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams, as there are millions of crossdressers out here, and many of us will be quite happy to pay to meet a woman who would love us just as we are. They just aren't out there.

Lexi, It can't be painted with a broad brush. Those that dress in secret are in a different boat than those that are out in the mainstream world,owning up to it."Top secret" behavior is always suspect and paints things a certain way.

Haven't read yet. Have to say, calling it an atom bomb sets you up for failure. Dressing is a blessing. It enables us to have a greater connection and understanding of what women go through to get ready and maintain their appearance. That should make you a better person in a relationship.

Thank you all for your advice. I knew this melting pot of ladies would guide me. I've definitely realized some things and will take a different approach. The bi thing, I do find myself attracted to some men when I'm Rachel. But it's rare and me acting on it is ever more rare. I don't blame women for not accepting it. I completely understand. I'll try a different approach next time. I'll also try looking in different places as well. Thank you all!

The way I started Dating the last few times with my girl friends has been online, and I've always been upfront with my crossdressing and its been something that i've mentioned though the last time it was something I believed was in my past and I told my date it wasn't something I was doing any more.

5 years later and now shes my wife its kinda kicking in hard, the transvestism, and though i've tried to discuss it its led her to tears with her thinking i'm gonna run away from her with my handbag and heals with a boyfriend (LOL)

I've told her she should trust me, and i've told her, I love her and I have no interest in blokes. and well have to see if this pans out or I am willingly happy to drop the crossdressing if I have to, not Crossdressing for 10 years or so has left my crossdressing options kinda low, I enjoyed taking it the whole way fully dressing in a femme persona, hair nails etc. I think i'ma long way from achieving this again, financially and relationship wise.

Honesty is the best policy but even then it wont be easy, best of luck.

I guess I got lucky when I told my then girlfriend about my dressing. She took it in stride, at the time. Then I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks and I figured she was gone, freaked out. Well, she was and needed someone to talk to about it. She went to her mother to discuss my revelation! I didn't call her but waited. She came back after the 2 weeks and said basically, it's not what's on the outside that's important to me, it's what's on the inside. That was 33 years ago and she has been an up and down supporter of my dressing all the way. Now the kids are out of the house and Allison is really coming to the front of my life she is encouraging me to do it. Life is short she says, if you don't you'll regret it. My only advice is to make sure your SO knows before you marry, it would be torture to hide such an important part of yourself….forever! You can look for more girlfriends without fallout, a divorce over it would be a terrible thing to go through.

Thanks for that wonderful post that line..."it's not what's on the outside that's important to me, it's what's on the inside." ....really resonated with me.

Yeah thats the absolute truth, some women are just not wired to accept it, Women in general in my experience if they can't handle it its something you cant change in them, and will end up miserably for you and them.

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Originally Posted by allisonagain

I guess I got lucky when I told my then girlfriend about my dressing. She took it in stride, at the time. Then I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks and I figured she was gone, freaked out. Well, she was and needed someone to talk to about it. She went to her mother to discuss my revelation! I didn't call her but waited. She came back after the 2 weeks and said basically, it's not what's on the outside that's important to me, it's what's on the inside. That was 33 years ago and she has been an up and down supporter of my dressing all the way. Now the kids are out of the house and Allison is really coming to the front of my life she is encouraging me to do it. Life is short she says, if you don't you'll regret it. My only advice is to make sure your SO knows before you marry, it would be torture to hide such an important part of yourself….forever! You can look for more girlfriends without fallout, a divorce over it would be a terrible thing to go through.

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Im big hairy burly guy, and I dont think anyone would ever suspect me, of all people to have my interests of crossdressing, I perfected it over years, and though over 6'2" and 280lbs I present my self well femme, well I used too, but thats another story. what im trying to say I guess is if your not honest, with a partner and tell them after you are already hooked in to a marriage or a long term relationship, ou have set a trap, and no-one likes to be put in a trap, it starts resentment, doesn't it.

Put your self in their shoes(not literally) your wife comes home shes shaves her head bounds her chest and when at home whats to be called richard, fart, eat beans, smoke a pipe, and have skid marks in her tidy whiteys, and promote body hair and have a tatoo on her shoulder I love bob. I dont know if I could handle it.

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Originally Posted by Rogina B

Lexi, It can't be painted with a broad brush.

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Yeah, actually it can. As what I said above, we don't get to decide what turns us on or turns us off. If we did, I'd choose to be turned on by fat, ugly, smelly women with bad dispositions. I'd be having so much sex that I'd have to quit my job. But the women don't get to choose what turns them off either, so no matter how much she likes the rest of me, 'girly' me doesn't stand a chance of becoming her boyfriend; friend, yes. Boyfriend, not going to happen, and I'm in enough women's friend zones already (like, almost all of them). Often, any femininity in a guy is simply a turn off. And once the sexual interest is gone, so is any chance for a romantic relationship.

If you interacted with the mainstream world while presenting as a woman,then there is a greater chance of meeting a woman that may be "turned on" by the thoughts of being with you. However,if your feminine presentation is held secret to the world,many woman may view that you "aren't comfortable with it"[perversion factor] and so prefer to keep the male you as a friend.After all,it is only a "he" telling about how you like to be a "she"...Different from presenting as a "she" that is sometimes a "he".

My SO gradually found out through hints I dropped. She's okay with it, but not "in" to it. But she's still definitely supportive! We were young, and I thought it was so weird at the time. I'd probably be more forward with it earlier on if it were happening today.

I can relate to the frustration. I just got told, "You are a really great person...BUT" once again.
This has been something of a constant theme, but I won't give up on it. I refuse to yield to the notion that the person for me doesn't exist.

I wonder if it is the way you are breaking the news to them.
You have to sell yourself a bit and build up a mystique.